eliot88

so, i was doing fine- in fact i was doing great. i got to the place of feeling at peace with the break up (we broke up about 4 months ago)... it was a little unnerving when she called to talk and told me that she missed me (i knew that that wasn't going anywhere) but i dealt. now, for some unknown reason i have been sent, warpspeed, back to my initial feelings after the breakup. these feelings have come up before in short bouts but i can usually stave them off with memories of our fights or the thought that we might be okay in the future- but this time i can't seem to quiet my head. i think i might be feeling like it's been so long since we've really known each other that we're never going to be together again (i've moved several hours away to boot)... i've mourned this relationship once- but maybe not fully- and i sure as hell don't want to do it again. anyone else have similar experiences? or advice?

the opinions on this are totally varied, eh? i still (as absurd as it may be) have hope for getting back together- i just feel like seeing each other now would ultimately be very bad for the two of us... i'm still pissed and hurt and all of that other awful stuff that comes along with being broken hearted. another difficulty is that i would have to drive an hour and half just to take her out- and that just seems ridiculous. i still don't know what to do and i think that what tinkerbell said about letting her know sooner than later is right on- so i feel some pressure to make the decision. i'm thinking that some sort of combo of all of this advice makes most sense... maybe let her know sooner than later that i won't be able to come but like hubman01 said i don't want to bullcrap her- maybe i won't come up with an excuse at all- i'll just say that i can't make it. that's the good part of being an ex... you don't have any obligation to explain your plans. daywalker don't be so quick to assume that i won't take your advice! i appreciate where it is coming from and i think it makes a lot of sense. so, does it really make sense to cancel? and what does one do from there- i'm moving out of state very soon which is a great excuse to take lots of space but has anyone tried setting up an approx. date to re-check-in with your ex? god, i feel like i'm stumbling around in the dark here. thanks for all the help.

so, i told my ex id take her out for her birthday- in fact i reconfirmed with her this last week. now i'm thinking that it is not that good of an idea. what's the best way to cancel this without seeming like a complete jerk? i don't want to tell her that it is because i feel too vulnerable to see her (as that would in intself be a huge vulnerability) and i don't want to seem downright rude. what should i do? (we barely talk on the phone, we communicate via email semi regularly and we haven't seen each other in about a month)

first of all- yes, that is rape- and even though you didn't say a thing to him it is not your fault. however, it isn't as easy as 'tell an adult' and he'll go to prison. the fact of the matter is that a rape trial is no small thing to go through and sometimes women don't want to put themselves through it. if after taking care of your immediate needs you decide that you want to report there are lots of folks who can help you do that. girl, you should not have to feel like you have to bear the weight of keeping this guy from hurting other young women- what you need to do now is take care of yourself. what are you doing to take care of yourself? talking to friends can be really helpful- there are local crisis centers in your area that can hold everything you say confidentially (they won't tell anyone anything... you don't even have to tell them your name) and you can just talk to them about how you're feeling. sometimes writing, working out, yelling, singing... can help. if you feel like it keep in touch and let me know what you're doing to help yourself feel better. it takes a strong woman to get through this and the fact that you're posting here asking for advice shows admirable strenth, my dear.

thanks so much for your response! i'm not sure about the no contact thing... i feel very confused about it. we rarely see each other and don't talk on the phone- i told her that i only wanted to have contact with her via email... which has worked out decently. she says that she is most scared that if we got back together too soon we'd still have so much hurt, we'd continue fighting and we wouldn't have anything left. i feel that way about getting together as friends... but i am also hopeful. these conflicting emotions are difficult to reconcile. so we keep our contact to a minimum... i guess i am curious as to how you know that it is time to try having regular contact again. i think that if i told her that i didn't want to have contact that that would seem really weak actually. i imagine that our contact will naturally fade out over time... and in time i can get in touch with her again or vice versa. i don't want to make any big proclamation about it.

so, my partner (we're both women... so if you have an issue with that you might want to stop reading now) broke up with me about 3 months ago. we had been fighting incessantly for months and we were both exhausted from it. i told her that i wasn't even sure we were friends anymore etc. eventually in the middle of a heated fight she told me it was over. since then we've been in contact, mostly via email- and it has been so confusing and deeply painful for me. i really want her back but i'm also so glad that we have this time apart. she says that she would be so happy if we could be together someday and treat each other with kindness (which we clearly can't do now)- but her main 'line' is that she doesn't want to focus on the future at all. i have asked her if she is open to the possibility of us being together and she just simply says that she doesn't want to focus on an outcome and having hope for that is an outcome. i completely respect and and i think i understand this line of thinking (although if anyone has any thoughts on it i'd love to hear)- i just don't know how to navigate any of this. i believe that one of the main reasons that she and i spent so much of our time together fighting was because we lived and worked together in a tiny office... we never got space from each other in the relationship. we were trying to hold out until i started grad school in the fall (several hours away)- but we couldn't make it... (it's all or nothing i guess) i feel that this break up could have an element of preemptive strike to it- i think she is scared that i'm going to be more interested in school and new people than her. so, i'm happy to have time apart even though it hurts like hell... i just wish we knew that we were going to get back together at the end of this time... what do i do for now? how do i show her that i love her without being overbearing? how do i deal with the fact that we seem to slip into old fighting patterns when we see each other? what is the best way to interact with an ex who is clearly shut down with you some of the time? lots of questions i know- but i have searched for a long time for a forum like this... i know that so many of you have wise words (i've been reading lots of old posts) and i hope that you might share some with me.