Heathcliff

WOW! How many more signs do you need that he's into you? Well, I never think it's a good idea to date somebody at work. There's my 2cents. Do what you want.

I think if you could just be honest with everyone and tell them what you are feeling or thinking, you'll be able to find out which one really is sympathetic to your plight. Honesty will always yield a stronger relationship. You cannot be afraid of telling them the truth. If you hide the true source of your feelings, your relationship with either of them will be built on dishonesty.

May, It sounds to me like you have never truly given up on what you had. You torture yourself with it. When you can finally let it all go, then you can move onto being where you want to be. You fill yourself with pain and let nothing else replace it. There's no room for joy. I know the experience will leave scars, but do you really want those painful memories to define who you are? Embrace them, but don't let them control you. You're not broken, you're quite normal and very sensitive. You feel things more deeply than others and that's ok. It's also possible that you like feeling unique because you have these feelings of depression and sadness. You have a desire to differentiate yourself from the usual crowd of ignorant bliss. But, I could be wrong. How much are you willing to risk to be happy? Do you want absolute certainty that you'll never be betrayed again? It's not possible and it never will be. You do the best you can with what you've got. It doesn't mean that you have to settle for what's in front of you. It won't always be a terrible struggle, but you fight for what you truly love. I'm probably sounding pretty hokey right about now. Especially if i say that you need to love yourself. You are who you are and embrace every imperfection as a part of who you are. I could go on and on, but I don't want to waste your time if you think what I'm saying sounds impossible or irrational. We all could use some help along the way; someone to help us pick ourselves up, dust the dirt off and keep fighting for what we want out of life. Words of encouragement can do a lot for our esteem. May, I do hope you find what you really want.

Sorry about not getting back to you sooner ~storm~. Well, in regards to the authority figure remark, it is as if she's got some sort of power over me. It's not an equitable relationship. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, I have an update. My wife finally decided to seek counseling when I told her that I was going to leave her. I think she's serious about making things better for the two of us. It felt good to know she wants to make an effort.

I definitely feel like a coward when it comes to expressing myself to my wife. It's been a bad habit during out entire relationship. I kind of have to disagree with you ~storm~. How we got to this point is relevant to discovering and overcoming these bad habits. It's true that it sounds as if i may not love her. Maybe I am just going through the motions. My wife has never liked me to 'rock the boat'. I guess she's never had any issues with me and my behavior. At least, not until now. I feel like there are many things I cannot change. It doesn't mean that it's not possible. Feeling hopeless seems normal at this point. I'm not quite prepared to give up on things yet. I was in love with my wife at some point. Then again, my self-esteem was pretty low. She was my first long-term relationship and I can't say I knew much else. As far as I know, this is normal. I'm not looking for something better with someone else. I'm looking for something better with my wife. I just don't know how selfish I'm allowed to be. I don't feel much of a connection with my wife and I'm trying to work on it. I am still very afraid of being completely honest with her. I do find a way to get past my fear and tell her, but it's not without it's consequences. I know it hurts her to hear what I say, but she's willing to move on without me since she thinks it's already hopeless. She maybe right or wrong, but I'm not going to give up without exhausting every option of getting some help. The baby on the way certainly makes me want to try harder. I've never felt as if I had a partner. It's always felt as if I was working to satisfy an authority figure.

I was totally sympathetic to her. I went ahead and put my grief on the back-burner so I could tend to her. She said she wanted a dog, so we got her a dog to help. I just don't know how you can excuse her behavior so easily. I understand why she was upset and she's agreed that she reacted poorly. She now realizes how she pressured me and is very sorry for it all. My problem now is that I'm no longer the loving husband that I once was. I was let down when I needed some support. And it's not the first time.

OK.. so you want to know the circumstances under which I feel I was manipulated. When she became pregnant the first time, I was very excited and willing to go forth having a baby. Unfortunately, it ended with a miscarriage and we both struggled with the loss. Instead of my wife being understanding about my suffering, she began pushing me to have sex to have another baby. I was much too upset to begin trying again, yet she continued to push me and resorted to crying, yelling, calling me names, threatening me... you get the gist of it? I felt so guilty keeping her from getting what she really wanted that I overlooked what was happening and gave in.

I'll tell you this much. I would not be leaving her to be happy with someone else. If I am so lucky to find someone again, then so be it. But I don't think it's fair to either of us to be in a marriage that is as unhappy as ours is. Right now my only concern is our child and making sure we are prepared to do what is right for our family. I will forever be connected to my wife through our child. I can be very compromising. But I think I've compromised my happiness for too long and I'm hoping that I can find that happiness again with my wife.

My wife is pregnant. I allowed her to manipulate me into having sex so she could get pregnant. It's pushed me to seek some counseling finally. Prior to her getting pregnant, we were having a hard time communicating effecitvely. Essentially, I was unable to come to her with any kind of problem because she would blow up and threaten to leave me or throw me out. So, I just kept my unhappiness to myself. This sort of went on for the entire length of our relationship... let's see... 10 years? Well, this kind of pushed me into a state of emotional divorce and I did not care too much to be open and honest with her anymore. Needless to say, I was still able to find some things attractive about her that allowed me to be caring and affectionate. I've always felt good tending to her needs. When I finally got the courage up to begin confronting her about my unhappiness, she went through her standard threat of getting a divorce. I had, on several occasions, mentioned that I do not feel like I love her anymore. This kind of made her realize that maybe she better start changing her behavior. She's been doing quite well these past couple months. But I am still afraid to confront her about everything. I am still not at a point where I feel that I love her. Now here's the catch. About a year ago, I began talking to the wife of one of my friends casually online using IM. I always found her quite attractive and apparently she found me quite appealing as well. To make a long story short, we both fell for each other, but we both agreed that we can't take our relationship anywhere given our situation. She does not want to cut off communication with me since she's found in me someone she can confide everything. I know that I have to stop talking to her because it's not right that I can confide in her more than I can my own wife. But when I do share things with my wife, I get blasted. I still have my good friend Tsar that I can talk to about everything. There isn't anything I wouldn't tell him and his years of experience and advice offer me some guidance. Now that I've finally started seeing a counselor (only 2 sessions so far), I haven't been able to let go of my feelings of resentment for my wife. I'm afraid of what will happen with us. I don't trust her to follow through and see that my needs are met. I want to feel safe. The baby on the way has compelled me to find a way to work things out. My wife refuses to see a counselor, although I hope her feelings on that may change when she sees how much I'm struggling on my own. I sort of resent the fact that she doesn't see it now. When I went to my first session, she started to ask if she could go with me, but I asked her if it was alright if I just go by myself since I was the one who finally made the effort to help myself and not her. I think it's best that I go by myself for now so I can spend time with the counselor alone. Right now I feel like I'm broken and there's no way to fix things. I feel like all that we can do is adapt to the changes and hopefully find a way to work things out. I guess I'm not really looking for advice here. I'm more interested in sharing things. But I am certainly welcome to hear opinions or questions.