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chakka

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  1. chakka
    Hi. I think all couples go through things like this. I have also been with my b/f for about 2 years, just like you guys, and it can be scary. Maybe your g/f is a little scared by the depth of your relationship, or she's afraid of depending on you too much. I may just be projecting though, because these are feelings tha I sometimes have. The fact that you both broke down and cried at the idea of a break probably shows that you love each other after all, that you do want to be together, and are just going through a weird phase. Many friends of mine went through this, funnily enough, at the 2 year mark. We have taken to calling it "the 2 year crisis". By the way, I never tried it, but I've heard that the "break" thing can be dangerous, because it's not clear cut. You don't konw if you're allowed to see other people or not. You don't know if you should move on or not. It's probably better to either be together or really break up. After breaking up she might regret it for fear of losing you, and you'll get back together again. But the "break" thing can leave either of you feeling like you can fool around and the other will just be waiting for you, or vice versa... leave you sulking and waiting for the other while the other fools around. But don't take my word for it, because i DON'T have the experience to back it up. I've just heard that from other people, and it seemed to make sense. As for how to give her space: talk to her and try to find out what is scaring her. Does she think you want take the relationship further (moving in or marriage) and is she afraid? Then assure her you'll wait for her. Does she maybe feel like she has no life outside of you or you have no life outside of her? Maybe limit the amount of time you spend together and each of you make an effort to expand your life, like taking up some new hobbies or reconnecting with old friends... These are just some random thoughts, mostly from my own experience. I'm sure you're issue are somewhat different, but you get the idea... I hope this helped at least a little. And take solace in the fact that many couples I know came through this successfully. Keep us posted and good luck.
  2. chakka

    Slut?

    chakka replied to kesea's topic in Sex and Romance

    Hi. I just wanted to reinforce what Mermayd and Swingfox said. You musn't internalize what that guy said to you, or anyone else. You are lucky to be rid of someone like that. I also want to add for other people reading this (not you kesea) - even if you do sleep around, have one night stands, etc., that is not necessarily a bad thing. It depends on whether or not it's working for you. If you do it out of low self esteem, if you think it will get you love, if you are acting out some kind of trauma like mermayd suggested, then you will just feel worse and worse by being "slutty". It's still not the end of the world, but I imagine a person who does this will eventually view it as some bad choices from which they learned alot. However, if you are "slutty" just because you love sex, because you feel powerful and in control and can separate sex from emotions, because you are open to any experience, then I don't see anything wrong with it, as long as you are happy. It may be a phase and it may be forever, I'm just saying - "slutty" can be a great thing for some people - think Samantha from "Sex & the City" - and it is a shame we give it such a negative connotation. Note how we especially make it negative when we discuss women! Sure, many women prefer long term relationships, and yes many women are promiscious only because of their own emotional problems, but not all women are the same. So all you "slutty" people out there, men and women, if it's working for you and you feel great - rock on! As for you kesea, you are SOOOOO not a slut by any standard. And your "number" really isn't that high, unless you live in Amish country. Seriously, don't worry about it. As Mermayd says, you don't need to tell your future b/f, certainly not at the start of the relationship. But personally, I tend to prefer eventually sharing things, just to make sure the two people really accept each other. That's just me though, and I am NOOOO expert on this. And you don't have to get into specifics if you don't want to, as nobody wants an image in their head of their beloved in bed with someone else. But any guy who doesn't want to be with you because you have a bit of a history is an idiot. So good luck, don't worry, and don't feel obligated to share with your b/f if you don't want to.
  3. chakka

    very hurt

    chakka replied to weng's topic in Breaking Up Advice

    I agree with the previous posts... I think you're doing great considering the situation. A lot of people can learn from your maturity and strength. You sound like a great person, and I'm sure you will find happiness. And when you do, you will appreciate it all the more because of this tough time you went through. Good luck
  4. chakka
    LEAVE, LEAVE NOW. This man is violent! What the hell are you still ding there? And tell other people what he does IMMEDIATELY, to protect yourself. You are in danger. Yes, he needs help. But by staying with him you are showing him it is OK to treat you this way. He needs help, but whether he enrolls in anger management classes or not, YOU need to GET OUT. You may need help yourself too, because this is a traumatic situation to deal with. Talk to counseler confidentially, just so you have someone on your side to help you through this. I can't BELIEVE you're even thinking about who is right and who is wrong in these arguments. Who cares? This man is violent and abusive. The only way you could ever work it out is if you leave, wait for him to get loooooots of therapy, wait for him to realize what he is doing wrong, get some help for yourself so that you can learn to set limits and avoid repeating this situation... But I seriously doubt it. You say you're not even sure you love him anymore. And after 2 years, wouldn't you need YEARS for him to get better and prove that he's better? How could you ever feel safe with him again? Sounds like you're better off starting fresh. WHAT IS KEEPING YOU THERE? This is not your fault at all, but you definitely need to look into why you are willing to accept this behavior... In any case, this relationship must stop now, in order to give you the future you deserve, and hopefully him too (if he gets help and learns to change his ways). Don't marry him. Don't have kids with him. Don't stick around long enough for him to beat the crap out of you and/or kill you eventually. Please let us know how it goes and if you have more to say...
  5. chakka
    SammerJo, I read your post and when you describe this arrangement of being "friends" who still sleep together when he's there, I just want to scream: "NO NO NO! BAAAAAAD IDEA..." You see, of COURSE he doesn't say there will definitely not be anything more between you in the future. He wants to keep his options open, and you're letting him get away with murder here. You will never get more of a commitment from him unless you demand it. My advice is, cross you legs and keep them crossed, until you get an exclusive boyfrient-girlfriend relationship with him. If he can't give you that, you shouldn't be sleeping with him, because clearly this will keep you from moving on. If he can't give you the kind of relationship you know you want, it means he is not ready, or doens't love you as a gf. Whatever his reasons, whatever his hardships, this is NOT OK. And it's YOUR responsibility to put a stop to it. You were on the right track when you said you wanted something more. You know where you went wrong? When you thought that the fact he doesn't DEFINITELY say its over means that this situation can continue. This situation is convenient for him. He will never stop it if you don't. And it sounds like it isn't working that well for you. Don't worry, you will get the realtionship you want. If it isn't from him, then it wasn't meant to be. God luck, I'm sure it will work out for you in the end.
  6. chakka
    Doc, I agree with mermayd and cindy, but I don't quite agree with your friends suggestions of being less nice. It is all about striking a delicate balance, but it's not as hard as it seems. First of all, just be yourself. Do NOT be mean or "bad boy" if it isn't really you. You wanna know why? Because some girls, like me, want a NICE guy. If you are a nice guy, these are the girls you want to attract. Nothing wrong with that, no reason to be "bad". Please understand, there is a difference between being too nice and being too available. I propose that you CAN be less available, and less "whimpy" in the relationship, WITHOUT being any less nice. There is NOTHING wrong with being nice. The only thing I would consider too nice is if you are so nice to the other person, that you forget what YOU want and how YOU feel. So if you have an argument and you feel bad about it, but you don't feel the you were wrong, here's an idea: Instead of saying "I apologize, I was an idiot...", you can say something like: "Look, I care about you, I don't want us to fight." If it is an important issue, you can try to both calm down and talk about it later, calmly, without fighting. And if it is a really unimportant issue, such as "who's better - britney or christina", then just agree to disagree and forget the whole thing. You can stop fighting without having to blindly apologize for everything when you didn't do anything wrong. But definitely keep being nice. As for availability - nobody wants to be called on the phone every second, especially at the start of a relationship. It gets old fast. So if ever you feel like your girl is losing interest or tired of your calls, don't be mean, just call less. Or when she calls you, assuming you feel like you're too available, you can be super nice and just say "Oh I'm so glad you called, I love hearing from you, but I'm really busy right now. Can we talk later?" And if you want to cut down on seeing her for a little while, to make her miss you a little, do it nicely. DON'T stand her up, or promise to call and then not call. Just say that you love spending time with her, but you're really busy, and it would be great if you could talk or meet up in a few days. You see, you need to have a life, like mermayd and cindy said. And the girl you're dating should see that you have a life, that you are busy and have interests. And finally, I just want to say that if you have had girlfriends before, you can't be doing anything THAT wrong, can you? So keep being nice if that is your nature. Some women, like myself, and like your past girlfriends, want a nice guy and would never date a "bad boy" type. It's just important to have a life outside of the relationship like cindy says, and not be too clingy and desparate like mermayd says.
  7. chakka
    Hi. OK, let me start by saying that in my opinion, anyone with any sense should avoid situations like this. It is not healthy to be close friends with ex-lovers. There will always be sexual tension and mixed feelings there. I have never stayed close friends with an ex, and I don't think I would ever tolerate my bf beeing close friends with an ex. I don't mean you can't be friendly, I'm just saying there is a limit to the closeness you can have. The situation you brought up mermayd is EXACTLY the kind of tricky situation that can occur if ex-lovers stay really close friends. You ask what it means when the girls tells her relationship problems to the guy. I think there is no clear cut answer - you would have to know the people in question to venture a good guess - but here are the possibilities I can think of: a. The girl is still somewhat interested in the guy, and is using these relationship issues to try to build some intimacy and trigger jealousy. b. The girl is not still interested in him, but she wants to keep HIM a bit interested in HER, just for her ego. So, again, she discusses the new relationship with the guy for the reasons I stated above. c. Perhaps the girl completely thinks of this guy as a close friend and nothing more, and just wants his opinion. I SERIOUSLY doubt this is possible, but to be fair and objective, I guess can't just dismiss this possibility. I'm sure there are more possibilities somewhere in the middle. And hey, don't we all get jealous of exes or want to make them jealous, even if we know we are no longer interested in them? Everybody wants to be the first to move on, don't they? It's irrational, but it's human nature. Now, it's possible that these ulterior motives are subconsious. In other words, the girl is not necessarily aware that she wants the guy to be interested in her or jealous... even if on some level that is her motivation. Another problem with this sort of situation is that this girl can never know how the guy will INTERPRET what she says. Will he think she wants to rekindle things? Will it keep him from moving on? Will he get secretly jealous and obsessed? Anyway, that's what came to my mind on this issue. And by the way, I even think that ANY guy and girl have limits to how close friends they can be without some sexual tension, even with no history between them. Of course I'm sure every case is different, but I do think it's very common for one side to eventually get interested in the other, thus changing the friendship for ever. Even more so if the guy and girl in question have already slept together! I'm not saying don't ever be friends with the opposite sex. I'm just saying, be aware of these problems, and take into account that the other person might view the friendship differently than you do, even if they don't admit it.
  8. chakka
    Definitely tell your parents. But not when you're angry - then they might think you're just saying it to hurt them. Tell them when you are calm. Tell them you realize you need help, and that maybe they can get a professional therapist for you. Also, as for pros and cons: here's a big con: *************************************** Death is a final solution to temporary problems, whatever those problems are. *************************************** However bad you feel, it won't always be like this. And here is another thought: You have ETERNITY to be dead, and just a short while to live. Even if death turns out to be great (some kind of heavenly afterlife ), there is no reason to rush it. You will be there forever eventually. Instead, take advantage of the short time you have here. So tell your parents calmly, and do let us know how it goes so we know you're OK.
  9. chakka
    Get youself a vibrator... That should help!
  10. chakka
    ya, that sounds like it makes sense. And maybe the fact that you have an education in this field will help you deal with your issues alot better than the average person. In any case. I'd be happy if you let us know how it goes...
  11. chakka
    Wow, now that you have described your feelings about his being married, I can see this is very complicated for you. So complicated, in fact, that maybe sending such a letter is not a solution in and of itself. Remember what mermayd said? For this to bring you closure, you need to write the letter just to write it, not to obsess about what he will think when he reads it or whether or not he replies. (Believe me, I know what it feels like to obsess about something. It is really hard to just stop.) I'm not saying DO or DON'T write the letter... I honestly don't know. But I do think you have lots of additional work to do. Don't beat yourself up about still thinking about this. On the contrary, applaud your self awareness for realizing that this is a problem and that you can and should solve it. I would suggest, if it's possible, that you go see a therapist or counseler. I don't know how you feel about therapists, but it seems to me, there doesn't have to be anything wrong with you for you to benifit from one. Seeing a professional can be a great way to vent your feelings about this complicated situation, and to get some objective advice from someone who has experience. It may help you work through these feelings. It's just a suggestion, and I am certainly NOT saying there is anything wrong with you. I just identify with you so much about the whole obsessing thing, and there is no reason for you to suffer like this. And by the way, just because this man is happy with someone else, it doesn't mean YOU were the problem. Think about it, you are happily married too! Why would his marriage make it your fault? By the same token, your marriage could be seen as proof that it was NOT your fault. It seems to me that either: a. This guy is not so happily married and he and his wife have a bad relationship or b. They have a great relationship because he has grown and changed since you two were together and/or c. You two were PARTICULARLY unsuited to each other, and tended to bring out the worst in each other rather than the best. (My guess would be a combination of b and c...) But please don't even worry about what exactly is going on with that guy. All that matters is you and your husband now. I hope you get some more specific advice that will help you, either here, from friends, or from a professional therapist. Good luck
  12. chakka
    Yes, swingfox is right that friendship may be too difficult for you... then again, it may be a slow and non-scary way to slowly get back to a relationship with her. It's always a risk, so do whatever you feel is best. I have to say though, three weeks is a very short time. Maybe the woman who broke your heart this way was really doing you a favor. Maybe you are not suited to each other after all. Maybe, this was a whirlwind romance and you both got caught up in passion, but then reality kicked in for her and she realized you two aren't right for each other for the long term. I'm not saying that's definitely the case. Time will tell, and if you are right for each other, you will find your way back together again. All I'm saying is if it doesn't work out, I think that just means that she is not the one for you, and she just happened to see it before you did. So lots of luck for you, and, if it doesn't work out with her, just cherish it as a beautiful experience in your life. Some people never experience such romance. If it doesn't happen with her, it will happen with someone else. P.S. Not that I'm saying you did anything wrong, but next time, you might want to take it slower. If things rekindle with her, or if you start a new relationship, it may be better not to burn it out to quickly. Like maybe see each other only once or twice a week at the start, and build up to the I-love-you's more slowly. I'm no expert, so if my advice does not seem right for you, ignore it. These are really just some ideas, in case any of them help you, and I hope they do.
  13. chakka
    Hi. I don't have any experience like yours, so maybe mermayd's advice will be more helpful. However, it seems to me that it shouldn't matter that he's married. Maybe you should be extra careful when wording the letter, to make sure it doesn't seem like you still have feelings for him. You wouldn't want his wife to get the wrong impression. Then again, you should be careful anyway. You don't want him to get the wrong impression himself either, married or not. From what I gathered from your story, the point of the letter is to apologize and put the things you're ashamed of behind you. So, the fact that he's married shouldn't matter. You could even mention it in the letter, say that you're glad he has moved on and you wish him luck (assuming that's how you feel, I don't want to put words in your mouth). As for feeling ashamed and not being able to put things behind you - welcome to the club! I think we all have things in our past that haunt us. It is most certainly NOT pathetic. And finding some way to deal with it that makes you feel better is a good idea. I hope this helps you a little. Good luck. (And mermayd if you see this, what do you think about the fact that he's married?)
  14. chakka
    Mermayd is absolutley right. This guy is horrible. He sounds like someone who will hurt you and rape you if you give him the chance. Why on earth would you want this?? Why on earth would you want to sleep with someone who has a gf anyway? and why on earth do you actually like him? I would examine these questions. It's not at all your fault, but perhaps this attratcion is an indication of some kind of low self esteem on your part. I don't know, I'm just guessing. But I am sure that anyone who behaves like you say this guy did is dangerous. Run run run from him! And mermayd's advice about talking to his gf also sounds like it could be good. I don't know the people in question, of course, but the more out in the open you are about this guy's behavior, the more help you will get if he ever tries to hurt you. Remember - get away from anyone who treats you badly. And ask yourself why on earth you like someone who treats you like this.
  15. chakka
    Hi. Interesting posts guys! I just wanted to clear a few things up regarding the logic of these arguments. In the case of the officers and the boy, mermayd's argument seems to imply that the officer is a murderer because the boy certainly did not deserve to die. You present it as though either the officer is to blame and he is a murderer, or the boy is to blame and he deserved to die. You forget the possibility of an accident where no one is completely to blame for the horrible results. Maybe you think the officer is a murderer - that's your opinion. But, even if someone thinks the officer is NOT a murderer, that doesn't mean the BOY is to blame. I don't see this officer as a murderer, because his INTENT was not to commit murder, but to defend his fellow officer from deadly danger. He could still be held responsible for his negligence - both officers could - but it is not as bad as murder. That's just my opinion though... As for the rape case, again mermayd - I see that you are against blaming the victim and so am I. I think what might clear this up for you is to look at it this way: The rapist is clearly to blame because he INTENDED to rape a woman. It's not as though the woman jumped into the street and a car ACCIDENTALLY ran her over, in which case it is at least partly her own fault. And it's not as though this rapist may have had some question as to what this woman wanted. What, did he think she was looking for a date? Did he not notice her say no? The rapist knew exactly what he was doing, and he is completely at fault. The issue of blame is entirely separate from the issue of prudence - how prudent was it for this woman to be in this dangerous place? Not very. But nobody deserves to get raped for that. She did something dangerous to herself, she did not do anything MORALLY wrong that would make us blame her for anything. And by the way, sometimes people get stranded somewhere and have no choice but to walk home through a dangerous area... Maybe that's what happened to her. (Maybe not, I don't know.) So, there is no conflict here. It is smarter not to be in dangerous places. But nobody derserves to get raped - not the woman who gets raped in an alley, not the one who gets raped in her own home by an intruder, not the one who gets raped by her date for the evening, etc. And nobody rapes a woman by accident, no matter where she is or how she's dressed. No means no. These people know exactly what they are doing. They get off on the force and the violence of it, and they deserve to be punished severely.
  16. chakka
    Hi. I have a new job that I really like. The problem is, I'm soooo insecure about everything I do. I'm always worried that I am not doing a good enough job, or that I do the wrong thing in certain situations. I'm constantly second guessing myself, and I beat myself up over every mistake. I just don't know how to stop obsessing over these things. I guess it's because I'm finally working in the field I WANT to work in. All my jobs before were just for money, but this is the start of a career (I hope). That must be why I'm so afraid and lacking in confidence. I try to show confidence at work toward others, but it's all fake. By myself I worry and obsess, and I've even cried at home once or twice because of little things at work. I know in my head that all I can do is my best. I also know that I'm smart and talented, and that I can't please EVERYBODY. Once in awhile I'm bound to do the wrong thing in someone's opninion. I can't be perfect. But how do I transfer this knowledge in my brain over to the pit of my stomach, where there is a constant knot of worry? Any tips anybody? Anybody else ever feel this way? How do you get over it? Thanks for your time.
  17. chakka
    Hi. I can't be that much help to you as I don't have any magic answers. I can tell you that you're not alone. I know how you feel, and I think I would react like you given the same situation. But I'm sure in time you will both feel more secure in your relationship, and you will both be willing to compromise a little, until you feel good. It's natural for you to feel like you do. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just try hard not to get swept up in emotions, yell and fight. Try instead to be as calm as you can when you talk to your gf about these things. I hope some other people out there who have some more practical tips on this, for you and for everyone. I just so identified with how you feel that I wanted to share with you, so you won't think you're crazy jealous. You just have certain needs and expectations that your gf does not quite meet in this area. I'm sure if you love each other you will work it out. And I know it's hard, but always try to stay as calm and rational as you can, and not get dragged into hurtful arguments. (Not that I'm any example, but I try... ) Good luck... I hope to hear more replies to this as well.
  18. chakka
    That is an AMAZING story. No wonder you feel so weird! Who ever thinks they will have to deal with something like this? Listen, the first thought I had hearing this was "this guy is an idiot and a liar". But then, I understand that he must have a lot of great qualities for you to love him. I realize that. Even so, in my opinion, trust stands alone, it is separate from any other quality. For me, if a bf has a few bad habits or annoying qualities, I have to balance them against other things. If he's great in every way except that he's a slob, for example, it makes sense to compromise. After all, nobody's perfect. But, even if you have a nearly perfect bf, if his one imperfection is that he can't be trusted, what good is all the rest of it??? You will never be happy with someone you can't trust. So, you were soooooo right to insist on finding out what's going on, and figuring it out BEFORE making a commitment. Personally, I know I would never get over this. I would see this guy as a liar who can't be trusted. We aren't talking about some one-time lie he told and later regretted. We are talking long term deception, trips abroad with the ex, property, mrriage proposals??!!!!! Plus, you describe it like he got roped into all of this. There are 2 possibilites: a. He is a liar. He didn't get roped into anything, that's just the spin he's putting on it now. That means he is just a horrible liar, who will get away with any terrible thing you let him. b. He has terrible judgement. He did get roped into it, in which case he is the most spineless ridiculous person I have ever heard of. Who wants to be with someone like that? What will he get roped into next? Or when you're married? Betting your house on a poker game because a friend told him to? Sleeping with some pushy woman? This guy sounds like horrible match, no matter how many toher good qualities he has. To me, your reaction seems very mild considering all this. But that's just how I am. To you, I may seem way to harsh and unforgiving, so do whatever you want. By the way, this "break" you are taking right now, is it clear to him that it doesn't give him permission to go out with other girls? It better be! Otherwise you'll be right back where you started! Anyway, good luck. Do whatever you feel is right, and I hope it all works out well for you either way. (Please don't be offended by anything I said about him. I know you love this guy, and I don't even know him... I'm just trying to think about what seems best for YOU, and really only YOU know that.)
  19. chakka
    Baby bear, I did not mean to offend you so. My opinions are just my opinions. I certainly didn't mean to hurt you, or to imply that you are not a person just because you are only 17. You are absolutely right that there is no specific age when you become an adult. The fact the the law puts specific importance on specifc ages is just because the law has to draw a line somewhere... But it was a bad example for me to give. I stand by my opinion, but of course, you must do what YOU think is right, and obviously you don't agree with me. I am sure nobody here hates you and nobody here thinks you're opinion doesn't count. I think we were all just trying to help, and we all hope everything works out for you. So, my apologies for upsetting you. Don't be so worried about what we say here. Take what you can from it, and ignore the rest. And really, good luck with everything.
  20. chakka
    one more little thing... I just wanted to stress that for me, the fact that you are only 17 is a big thing. If you were 27 and he were in his 40's, I wouldn't have said ANY of the things I said. It's not the age gap itself. It's the fact that one of you is an adult, and one of you is not.
  21. chakka
    Hey babybear, hey mermayd. First of all, I gotta say I agree with pretty much everything mermayd said. She is not being ageist. She is not saying people of a certain age are better than people of another age. She is just saying if you're over 30, your gf should at least be able to order a drink! Or legally sleep with you for that matter. Also, it is COMPLETELY inappropriate to have a private relationship with your ex, even assuming nothing sexual happened. Especially considering this ex did not have anyone new and was probably pining away for him. It is not healthy for her to depend on him like that. And it is not a brother-sister relationship if you had sex with the person. Obviously it's not the worst thing in the world. At least he was honest with you, and tried to get you and her together so there would be no mystery, but it was still stupid. And his ex is stupid to put up with it. Look bear, I'm sure this man is very nice. But I also think something is very lacking in him and his self esteem that he can't handle a woman his own age and needs to date someone who is like his little sister or daughter. He tells you what people do to take advantage of other people, just like a daddy would tell a little girl. And if he did take advantage of you in some way, I'm sure he would skip that in his little "lesson". Though I don't think he is necessrily doing anything wrong to you on purpose. It sounds like he really does care about you. But he is "raising" you, like a daughter or a little pet. The fact that you can say no to him - newsflash, that is a GIVEN. If anyone, bf or stranger, did not take no for an answer from you, they would go to jail. So this certainly is no proof that he is a perfect bf, only that he meets the basic requirement of not being - say - a rapist. I think in this relationship, he is in more control than you. Maybe that's how you like it. Maybe your Mom feel very comfortable with you having this other parental figure, it takes some of the pressure off of her. Now someone else can take care of you. And when you're 30 something, you might become more strong willed, and it might be a problem. Then again, by that time he will be a senior citizen, and he might feel so lucky to have you that he will deal with the changes in your power balance. I hope so for your sake, if you stay with him. Or, maybe you will stay a little girl forever and have daddy/lover take care of you. Look, I totally agree with mermayd. But, it's your life. Many girls crave this kind of lover/father thing. Sometimes they get tired of it, and if that happens to you, just be sure you are not soooo dependent on him by then that you can't leave. Sometimes the man gets tired of it, either going back to older women, or getting a new teenager when his teenager gets too old and willful. I'm not implying this will happen to you! I definitley hope not. And hey, I'm sure sometimes these things do work out, so don't take my word for it. I'm sure you will do what feels right for YOU, not for me or mermayd. And good luck.
  22. chakka
    Take heart. When you are depressed about something, you need to remind yourself that you won't always feel like this. Sometimes depression can be so deep, that you don't remember ever feeling differently, and some people start to doubt if they will ever feel good again. Don't doubt it. Take pleasure in the little things in life here and there that make you feel good, even just a tiny bit good. Use these things as a reminder that you CAN feel good. You will get over this. And everyone out there who is depressed, hang in there. You will get over it in time, just make an effort to take pleasure in whatever you can. You are not alone. Good luck all.
  23. chakka
    Savage, I disagree with some of the above replies. I don't think it is your job to fix this girl. And I don't think there was anything wrong with how you lost patience with her. She is very self centered to think that YOU are unreliable just because you occasionally get sick of her messing with you. You need to examine why you have accepted this treatment, and why you were so affected by her email. You shouldn't give her this power over you. You will never be able to find a good relationship if you keep falling back into this pattern with her. If there were no romantic baggage with you guys, I would say - fine, offer help, if she accepts great, if not - her loss. But she is not just some down-on-her-luck friend you are trying to help out. She has a romantic hold on you, and this will keep YOU from being happy. Her problems are not yours. She is definitely being manipulative. Why shouldn't she send you an email and keep you interested? It doesn't COST her anything. But does she actually DO anything to get together with you in an exclusive romantic relationship? No. If she wanted to be with you enough, she would be. My guess is she likes this relationship just the way it is. She has problems, but she also has control over you, so you are in no position to help her. FORGET her. If she contacts you, remind yourself that she doesn't really want to be with you. And personally, I'm not sure what on earth you see in her. I'm not saying don't forgive her. You can still forgive her in your heart if you want. Just chalk it up to her problems, and let it go. But whether you forgive her or not, I can't see any reason to stay in contact with her. You deserve real love, areal relationship. Good Luck
  24. chakka
    Baby bear, thanks for sharing. Excellent post. You are right that the level of porn watching can be more problematic than the actual fact that the guy is watching that stuff. You are also quite right to express your feelings about it to your bf. I'm glad for you that you have such good cummunication in your relationship. As for the way he lied about watching porn when you weren't there, I understand that it bothered you, but I bet he was just embarrassed. He probably felt like mommy caught him doing something nasty... It really is harmless. It isn't the same as lying about something important. Also, I understand why you wished he would stop the porn on his own, and not put you in a position to demand it. But guys aren't good at hints. We just have to tell them straight out. Because you're a girl who does occaionally enjoy porn, and who doesn't seem to have any moral objection to it, you are in a much better position to reach a resolution with your bf than some other women. Here's my particular attitude: Personally, I don't mind the porn thing. I too don't watch is nealy as much as my bf, so for me, it's perfect if he watches it sometimes without me. I don't ask about it. I think it's his private business, unless we happen to both be in the mood to watch together. There is room for privacy in people's sex life even if they are in a relationship. That's where masturbation and vibrators fit in. You can do those things alone or together. And in my opinion, porn goes in the same category. But guys out there, don't use me as your excuse. Many women, unlike me, DO have a problem with it. They see it as going to an outside source for something you should be getting inside the relationship. I really can't explain why some women see it like me, and others don't. But guys out there, make sure you know how your partner REALLY feels about it, otherwise one of you will always be unhappy.
  25. chakka
    Well, maybe they are and maybe they aren't. But what can you do about it? I would say, just stay out of it. but you say it affects you. May I ask how?
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