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secret_agent_man

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Everything posted by secret_agent_man

  1. secret_agent_man
    Yea, I don't know how close of a friend he is, but if it were my situation he'd probably have dentures by now for claiming to be my friend. If it was just someone who you didn't know I'd be mad at your wife a bit, but this guy is insane for crossing that line into a so-called friends marriage. S.A.M.
  2. secret_agent_man
    Agreed, netman. He's frustrated, and it's not unusual, but he said some kind words at the same time: He knows she has the potential for her to overcome this. That means he believes deeply in her, which is an amazing thing to be able to do... S.A.M.
  3. secret_agent_man
    Hi! Trust (including honesty), and communication are the building blocks of any relationship. You can't have one without the other. Make sure you keep the communication lines open. That is so important to helping your trust of each other. You need to discuss the current situation without bringing up the past, unless you can't get over the past. Getting over the past is vital, nothing hurts more than not being forgiven when you know you made a mistake that you regret. Try to "start over", and build your trust from the ground up. You need to understand, you're not going to trust him if you know you're lying or holding things back... you'll feel that if you're doing it, he is too. The same thing has to go for him. He needs to want this and be completely open. If he's not, like I said, he's always going to feel that you aren't either. It's a vicious cycle, and you both need to decide to stop it from getting worse. Not that anyones cheating, but they always say he who is insanely suspicious about their partner cheating/lying without reason is probably because he knows he himself is cheating/lying, and getting away with it. Hope this helps! S.A.M.
  4. secret_agent_man
    You're not alone, a ton of people feel the jitters like that. Just next time, try, instead of running away or getting scared, just talk about it. Tell him you don't know, and you're not used to relationships, but you are interested. He doesn't have to be "the one for you", usually you need to experience other relationships first, so don't worry about getting close to someone. Sometimes getting heartbroken isn't so bad anyway, because it prepares you for the rest of your life. Everything doesn't always work out. Don't be afraid of falling in love, if it happens, it happens. It's hard to control anyway... Just remember, it can't hurt to try or at least give it a chance... let someone in, and you may find out it's very rewarding... S.A.M.
  5. secret_agent_man
    My view, is that the fact that he said he's "waiting for you to turn into a diamond" is a good thing. It means he sees potential in your relationship, and he's not just fed up with the situation. I'd be glad he said that. As you said, he gave you no reason not to trust him, but you still can't. There's not much he can do. I can understand why he's resorted to blaming you, but remember he still cares. You're going to have to do some hard work now... You need to force yourself to loosen your grip, but he needs to help by understanding what you're doing, and not complaining for a while. Talk to him and tell him that you KNOW you have to do it for the good of your relationship but you need his support, and he has to be able to forgive you for the past. He will probably be very relieved to hear this, and welcome the change. If you know you should trust him, you need to force yourself to, or nothing will change. Make the decision for yourself, but make the change for both of you. S.A.M.
  6. secret_agent_man
    First off, welcome to eNotalone! (and welcome to the club, we've all been there) It does make sense in it's own way. She is telling you that she doesn't want to commit, for fear of losing/missing out on something. She's just not at the point in her life where she wants or needs a strong relationship. When she says "see other guys", she just means that she wants to hang out without feeling locked down. Don't assume she doesn't care about you, after 10 months it's hard not to care. You can try to convince her to come back, but you can't force her. Don't chase her too much, or you'll see her shut you right out. The only chance of it working out is for you to respect her wishes... She wants to do her own thing, you don't want to take that from her. While she's taking this time, take yours as well. Go out with your friends, sitting at home will drive you crazzzzy. It may be that you learned a lot from this relationship and can apply it in the future... Hang in there, we're here... 8) S.A.M.
  7. secret_agent_man
    My suggestion is to force yourself to NOT pick up. She'll never understand any bit of how you feel if you keep picking up and lying to her. Don't pretend with her, and don't play games. It's not worth it. If you only pick up once a week, or once every three days, she won't keep calling every day. I would really suggest that you take care of yourself in this situation, I can tell you need some time on your own to cope... Let us know if you need anything else! Good Luck! S.A.M.
  8. secret_agent_man
    Well, in my eyes, marriage is taken too lightly these days, and personally I don't know that I could do that to my own child. It would be a very rough situation, but it's happened before. I guess my point is, when you marry, all feelings aside, you make a choice to love the other person. Each needs to make this choice, and that is what makes marriage work. Everything is not always perfect, but that's why you said, "for better or for worse". I find it harder to believe that she would change her feelings about you, especially with the child involved. Just like any lust, she feels "flustered" around him. It's a natural reaction, she cared about him, and he's still in her life. I don't see a way around that. The only thing you may want to do, is bring some risk and exitement back into her life from your direction. You don't have to be dangerous, but be spontanious. Her ex is single, so he has less responsibility. That can be very appealing. Just show her you can be unexpected and romantic... you know how to do it... you already won her over once... You need to go see a marriage counsellor, because like your title states, you want to keep your family together if possible. Remember there are three people involved here. Good luck, Let us know S.A.M.
  9. secret_agent_man
    Yea, she's right. Getting the wrong number is a bit more than even a smack in the face... Take pride in knowing if she wants to call, she will. 8) S.A.M.
  10. secret_agent_man
    ARGHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMAO! S.A.M.
  11. secret_agent_man
    Welcome, this site is for anyone with a problem, don't worry about age as much. Yea, you can try convincing him, just watch out for your parents, they know what's good for you. At this point in your life, it just sounds like he's going to get you into trouble, and you'll probably regret that later, but that's just my opinion, I got in trouble back in school myself, so it's hard to complain. S.A.M.
  12. secret_agent_man
    I think you answered it all by yourself. Just make sure that she really isn't expecting anything else, or it might come back to bite you. S.A.M.
  13. secret_agent_man
    Remember, you're only meant to be if both of you want the same thing. You seem like you've been close enough, and for long enough, to just talk about it. Tell her what you feel, and she'll tell you what she feels. It's a hard situation when she's flirting and you're getting mixed signals, but you can't let her get away without trying, right? Maybe it is meant to be, you don't know 'till you try! S.A.M.
  14. secret_agent_man
    Hey, it's ok to vent, we all do. Sorry about our disagreement, but we're all here to help eachother, and we've all been hurting and sad... For starters, you seem to have good self esteem, you rate yourself an 11... Good for you, I wish I had that much confidence! 8) Second, you seem to have heard it all before so I don't know what we're going to tell you differently. If you're unhappy for nine months, you really DO need to try something else... I don't think I can be any harder on you than you're being to yourself, but it's ok to just let go. Things were not meant to be, and you'll either have to accept that, or be miserable with him... Hope you figure it out, it's hard to do... S.A.M.
  15. secret_agent_man
    My only response is... I thought about that same thing. But in talking to others, I decided that I shouldn't. You wouldn't want her to get paranoid about you "trying to figure her out through her friends". That's the best way I can put it. You don't want to invade her space, and my gut feeling is that it would. Good luck... S.A.M.
  16. secret_agent_man
    I agree, your honesty is better than most could do. It shows you care... Hey, you did what you needed to do, that's only fair... especially to her. You wouldn't want to be with her if she was thinking about an ex, right? Well you just spared her the trouble. You didn't know what you wanted! Situations can be confusing, and sometimes a step back shows you what is meant to be, even if it's hard for you to accept. She might not "run" back, but she might ease back in to it. If not, then she's probably not right for you. It's better to find that out now. You made a decision to take time for yourself. Take that time and use it the way you planned. If you just said "oh, nevermind", things wouldn't change at all, and you'd be in the same spot you were in before it all started. S.A.M.
  17. secret_agent_man
    I know it can, if both people involved learned from the "stupid mistakes" in the past. If they can be gotten over for everyone involved, then it might work, it just really hurts when the supposedly forgotten past gets brought back up in arguments. If you're both mature enough not to do that, then sure... S.A.M.
  18. secret_agent_man
    Gemstoner, that was hilarious!!! (not in a bad way, I'm just a guy, and if I tried that she'd end up looking like a disaster area, I have no idea what you were even saying... ) That was great! S.A.M.
  19. secret_agent_man
    That's great! Anyway, on to the topic at hand. You definitely have to go for it. If you've laready got an "in" with her parents, that's a point for your team! The only thing that I'd hesitate on is letting her mom be the messenger. You need to take action youreself, so it doesn't seem like "mom's settin' me up". I don't know how you can get her number (obviously you can look it up in the book if it's listed and you know her last name...) or make yourself run in to her, but if nothing else, her mom knows where she saw you, so maybe she'll come back again to see if you're interested! Hang around! Don't miss out, if after 2 years there's still a potential! As far as what to do on the date, tell her (as a way of asking her out) that you "really want to get to know her better". That way, you're not exactly committing yourself, but it leaves it open for the future, in case it works out.... Either way, it's easy to tell you're still interested, so there's gotta be somthing to that! S.A.M.
  20. secret_agent_man
    Yea, I guess I'd tell her to stop with the emails, you just can't take it. It seems to be the only thing holding you in this situation, and it's looking like a dead end right now, at least from my point of view... I'm glad you can sort of see that too, through all the emotions you're feeling. S.A.M. (Much easier to read. Sorry to be rude, but the CAPS just bug me. Thanx! )
  21. secret_agent_man
    It's almost impossible to tell. She might not have any better idea than you do... As people suggested to me, you can try to "win" her back with nice gestures, but you and I know that if she came back because she felt sorry for you being so in love, it would end up back where it is right now in a matter of months, if not weeks. I know as well as you do, her being happy is what we want, but it's a hard pill to swallow, if that means it's not with you. From the sounds of it, you think she should still feel strongly about the relationship, so I think you need to let her decide whether she wants that or not. She already knows you, and I'm sure she still cares for you, but you don't need to prove anything else. If she wants what she already had, she'll figure it out on her own. That's what I'm doing right now, so it's the best advice I can give you... S.A.M.
  22. secret_agent_man
    If she's not talking to you, all you can do is either move on or wait around. There's just no other real options. You've gotta decide. Just know; it you move on, try to get over her, and things will work out for the best sometime in the future, but if you wait around, nothing is guaranteed, as you have seen. It's hard to give up hope, though, and I know you're just trying to get by... day by day... but realize that nothing may ever come of it. At this point, prepare for the worst as to not be devastated later. S.A.M. PS, try not to use all CAPS, it makes it harder to follow
  23. secret_agent_man
    Hey man, like I said, I'm in the same situation... I can tell you wanted to give her 'simon' partially because you know she'd go "awwww, oh my god, how sweet". I know this because I'm trying to do (or trying not to do) the same things, bring up the past a little, and remind her of the stuff she thought was so cute before... It's really hard to stop those urges! I REALLY CAN RELATE!!!!!!!!! S.A.M.
  24. secret_agent_man
    To elaborate on heb's post, the tradition was to actually break the bones in their feet and wrap them underneath, as to fit into the smallest shoe or slipper possible.... *Ouch*, I can only imagine what that would be like. But it's definitely nothing new! Man I hope my girl doesn't like small feet, I've got hobbit feet (LOTR fans know what I'm talking about, big and hairy) S.A.M.
  25. secret_agent_man
    Ouch. I understand your concern. He went farther then I would, but yet he didn't cheat... I don't really know how to take that. It's most likely exactly what he says, but again it's strange that he would be this close with her after their relationship. Maybe he is trying to help himself get over her. He may be trying to just talk about what went wrong so he can learn for the future... I don't know. I guess my concern is that it seems you've gone overboard. Having to monitor all of his activities is just not healthy for the relationship, either way you cut the deck. If it's his fault, then you just can't trust him, if it's yours, you can't make him live like this. I think you have a great big choice to make. Either set some ground rules, and tell him you will learn to trust him, or let him be. If you tell him that he can't talk to his ex, you wouldn't be the first one, but you'll have to trust that he won't. Babysitting him is no way to live in a relationship, for him or you. Just take some time to really think through this one before you make a decision. Don't jump into it, but realize that this mix of behavior will probably end it sooner or later anyway. Good luck, let me know what happens?!?! S.A.M.
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