secret_agent_man

It really is tough to read her, but my guess is that she doesn't want it to turn into a rebound. She seems to care, and want you for comfort, but it also seems like she wants more. Don't just act on that when she's drunk, it could turn the whole thing sour. Take time. I know it's been a year for you, and I'll bet that's not even a factor now. I think she's more confused than you because of her last relationship ending recently. Be a good friend, and when she's ready, then it's time to make your move. As to when she's ready... I don't think anyone can tell you. You'll have to figure it out by really getting to know her better. She may seem like she wants to "do more", as you say with a wink, and she's probably just getting urges. That's normal, but I think she really does understand that jumping into it too soon my risk the relationship, too. That's the best I can do from what I pieced together, Good Luck! S.A.M.

I guess a lot of guys like it, but I would never want that with my girl, I guess I'm just weird... oh, yea!! go watch the movie "The Sex Monster", you'll understand why I wouldn't even if I wanted to... (it's actually a rather funny movie) But, I think you answered your own question. It makes you uncomfortable, so just remember, it's your choice. Don't feel at all pressured to do it for him! 8) S.A.M.

I agree. Sometimes all it takes is a little attention for people like her to feel better. I really like the card idea! The funny thing is, you should just show her what you posted for the whole world to read! You just professed to the entire eNotalone community of 7500+ people that: Wow. I wish someone would say that about me... You're a great friend for saying such kind words, make sure you give that kindness directly to her! S.A.M. (I'm serious, show her this!!!!!)

Do not apologize for the long post, it is necessary to fully understand. It sounds like you are a pretty typical boyfriend to me (I mean that in a good way ). You've made minor mistakes, but that's part of life and relationships. It's necessary to grow with eachother. Her insecurities won't let those things pass, and that is VERY unhealthy as you have seen. Just know that (unless there's something major you're not telling me) this is NOT your fault. I don't even know what I would do in this case, but it sounds like a case of therapy to me. Insecurity in relationships can be caused by depression or a whole other slew of problems. In my unprofessional opinion, it sounds like she's depressed. Try a marriage councellor, psychologist or psychiatrist. It sounds like it's way beyond your control, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. We all need help from others some times! That's my best suggestion, and if she refuses, you may have to force her to make that decision no one wants to make... Sorry I don't have an easy way, but I'm sure you weren't expecting that anyway... Good luck, I hope you two can work through this... keep us up to date! S.A.M.

I wasn't trying to take away from the abuse, I was just trying to get you to focus on that, because the other things mentioned were indeed just typical parenting (at leat the way you described them). I really do wish you the best, good luck... S.A.M.

Well, that's what I'm talking about!!! Now you're helping yourself. You see, you just said, all you want is a little attention. He doesn't need to focus on you the whole night, but he should notice you! That seems more realistic (to me). Tell him that! There's nothing that should stop him from that!!! Hope this all helps!! S.A.M.

That's my view, definitely, BUT I have no first hand experience with this, so I don't know about all the details. Sorry, Good luck. S.A.M.

I think Taurean and Winkie have the right approach, and that's sort of what I was implying. Don't base your life on it, let your mind make it's own decisions, but you can still look at it and learn from it! S.A.M.

Muldova, cool! 8) I'm sure you'll do fine, man. S.A.M.

I'm by no means a female , but I do know that messing around is a whole different experience for women, especially at first. It is a lot more emotionally based than for most guys, no matter if it is sex or just fooling around. They usually have to feel much more comfortable with a relationship first, and it's probably better off that way. Tread lightly and don't be pushy... sometimes it's fun anyway if she plays hard to get! S.A.M.

td, I guess that's most of the problem. You need to not approach people that way. It's more of a mentality issue, you look at it like it's all you have to offer, so it's all you offer. I'm sure there are plenty of other more realistic things you have to offer to others. Focus on those... Good luck! S.A.M.

No, you can't live like this. No one should. A few things to look at first. Recently, have either of you done anything to cause the other to lose trust more? Have you really discussed this deeply, and told her you can't live like this? If so, did it help things any? Try to follow up on these to give us a better understanding... As far as my first question, I mean that mostly for you. Has she done anyhthing that makes her doubt herself more, and in turn, doubt you more? I hope you can sort this out, it sounds like you really care. S.A.M.

I'm not sure how he meant that, but I can assure you it's somewhat normal. It's an instinct thing, I guess. I don't really know, I've never felt that way, but I've heard of it before... Don't worry just yet... S.A.M.

Personally, I say just go for it!!! If she wants it, and you're willing, do it! As far as taste, they already explained, there's no way for us to tell... but don't expect fish, that's an evil fairy tale... S.A.M.

Crookster, we meet again. I agree, it is purely for entertainment. Read any one (any sign) and you could apply it to yourself in some way. They are always uplifting, so there's nothing wrong with them, just don't get caught up in life decisions over astrology. Too many things just aren't worth the risk... S.A.M.

I myself have been in bands for 6-7 years, so I feel part of your pain. When you are at the show, there's a lot going on for him, and it's easy to feel left out. My girl felt the same way. It's tough to understand and balance. You need to give him space there, he needs to be friendly and not closed off to just you, for the band's sake. I know that sounds lame, but read on, I know what I'm talking about. Him flirting with girls is not acceptable. It wouldn't be acceptable by me, either. You are not wrong there. You need to let him know this, though. By just being nice and outgoing to others, he is keeping the public relations up. You need to do that in the music biz. It's just a part of it. Make sure that what seems like flirting, really is flirting. I'm not doubting you, just make sure. It may be harmless. Either way, have a talk with him, and tell him where you draw the lines. It's his decision whether to cross those lines or not, and then you will know what is more important to him. It's hard for him, too. Trust me. Just keep talking about it, he may see it a whole different way than you do. I know I did... S.A.M.

May I please first say you are a loving husband for caring so much about your wife. The trust will come later, but you have already chosen to forgive her which is the first step. Just remember, for better or for worse. So as not to repeat myself, I would suggest you read the following thread posted just yesterday (I believe). It is different circumstances, but the same result... Just step back and look at it from all points of view, and it will help you understand a bit more: link removed Good luck S.A.M.

To rephrase something someone else kindly wrote in another thread, If it's worse being dead, you can't come back... You need to get help, like I posted in the other thread. Your father is probably the cause of a lot of your stress, and I can't blame you. Most people feel like you at some point in their lives, you are not alone by any means. Don't feel like nobody knows what you're feeling. You can get through this, trust me, I know you can. Just take it one step at a time, and keep talking to people, you'll find out you're more important in this world than you think. S.A.M.

I understand your situation, and you need to understand that you need to get your home life repaired before you look elsewhere. Go to your guidance councellor and tell them what is going on. You HAVE to do something. I wish I could do it for you, but I don't know you, so you're going to have to make a move yourself. We'll be here for you for support when you need it, it's what we do. Your councellor will know what to do. That's what they're there for. If they aren't around being that it's summer at the moment... call a psychologist or your doctor or someone right away.. If the guy seems like he would respect you, go for it. You might need that emotional support right now. SwingFox, do you have any suggestions on who she should talk to?? Good luck, be tough and use us to fall back on! S.A.M.

All except the physical part (or her "hitting you" as you said) seems like typical parenting. You are at the age where you dont have to take care of your girlfriend. She has her own parents for that purpose. Parents do things like send you to activities because it's good for you. That in itself is no reason to want to leave home. You've got plenty of time to be an adult later. As far as the physical part, if it is abuse, (I'm not one that thinks a smack on the butt when I was a kid did me any harm at all) then you need to talk to someone. It doesn't necissarily mean you need to live somewhere else, just maybe work on the situation... Hope it all works out for you!! S.A.M.

Go get tons of help, support groups, close friends, psychiatrists, psychologists, whatever! As important as it is to help yourself, some things can't be done alone! Thats not a bad thing. That's why these people exist, and that's why we all have our place here. We owe it to eachother as a race of human beings! Lots of people can help, and now that you've come to terms with your problems, seek them out! Good luck, and stay positive, you can do this! S.A.M.

My guess? He probably doesn't want to seem needy. I get that way too. He doesn't want you to think he needs you to do something small. Trust me, that's a good thing in the long run. He didn't want to inconvenience you, which is respectable. Just try to get together for something that you want to do together, not just returning something... I'd just try again, but don't take it as a sign of not being interested until you know that. S.A.M.

I say, just go with it. It all has to start as a friendly thing anyway. Don't expect much just yet. How will she know if she wants a romantic relationship unless she feels it on her own terms. Take her out to a romantic place, definitely, but she's gotta fall for you. Definitely drop the hints that romance is what you're after, but don't push it unless she seems into it. Get to know her and see if you hit it off.... Good luck!

Hi LMA, Growing past jealousy is very hard. If he doesn't give you a reason not to trust him, then it is very unfair. I'm glad you already realize that it is a bad thing for your relationship. That is the first step. You need to do a lot of what has been mentioned already, put yourself in his shoes. If you have been and indeed are faithfully devoted to him, then you would never "run off" with someone else would you? Trust, if you can, that he feels the same way. You have to loosen your grip. There's no other way than forcing yourself to. It will become easier and easier the more you force it. It does take time, but talk it over and make a serious effort. Tell him that he can't let you walk all over him. It's not healthy for either of you in this situation. The really important part is taking a pro-active approach. Things won't change unless you change them. Good luck, we're here if you need us! S.A.M.

Wow, Lifeweb, that sort of covers all of it... Nice post. S.A.M.