smiles314

Wasssup everyone!? Cutting to the chase... I feel like im stuck in this bad pattern with my ex bf. Its like he still has feeligns for me, doesnt quite know what he wants...is massively confusing. And i'm sick of always being the 1 asking him what he is thinking, and trying to make sense of everything. Well right now we are away from each other. Its been 2 months, and we have spoke a few times- no bad convos. But we live 4 hrs away from each other, so we are living 2 different lives.. In about 6 wks i will be in the same college as him again, and i have absolutely no idea what will happen. But for about a year already we have been broken up.. I feel like i'm in this big game. What seems to be happening is that when i become less emotional towards him, less attached, and not around so much to talk to him casually...He comes at me a lot more. Being more attentive, trying to talk to me and wondering mroe about what's going on. When i become too emotional, or to questioning and what is going on with us he backs off and sometimes becomes a bit jerkish. The thing is that this has been going on all year round. And i want him in my life, i'm not sure if i want him back or anything... But i want to be able to keep the upperhand in all of this. Recently the same thing happened...He initiated a convo with me..I wasnt myself, and distant. He eventually just left..And the next day i felt this need to apologize for myself..In turn he was a bit unemotional, not excited and cut the convo very short to go about his own business. Since we are both not near each other, i feel like we are definitely losing connections in a way..He is caring a little less about my day to day activties..BUt back at school, I have no idea what will hapen. He keeps saying he'll call and he misses me...he just doesnt call. Maybe its being at home and being preoccupied for summer- i never called him i wont. How do i keep the upperhand in this situation? Is there a way i can attract his attention and hold it? A way to make him see that he has to get serious? I'd would just call it quits with him but for what its worth- there is somethings till there between us, and he always pops back into my life the minute i start to forget about him.. Kind of unsure about where to go from here.. THAnks for the help

ASk him next time to do something...Break the ice by hanging out in person... I think that maybe will help. Sometimes the phone is just not so good for that sort of thing.

Hey From past experience, if it has been on and off for a little bit it will probably keep on goin like that till either you make and big change or ur ex does. I'd leave the break up be...and be separate from a while. I know it sucks, but with time you will be able to realize what you really want and what is good for you. Just give yourself time apart. See if you really love him, or if you just nee dhim at the moment. Care for yourself, and have fun...But revaluate evvrything.. He needs to grow too.

Hey. I feel for you. I think it is a defintie good move to move out of your house. There comes a point in ones life when they need to separate from the place the grew up, and make a home for their own. It's healthy to do it at 25 now, although everyone goes at their own pace. But you definitely do need to experience independcy and its completely important for the growing process. You do sound to have some sort of aniexty, but I recommend you consulting your doctor about your symptons. THe doctor will be able to help you and give you answers. He may have ways of making you feel better.

WELL ,,,, if she had been flirting with you maybe she wanted your number because she thinks you won't remember to call her. OR i duno, maybe she wants to take control, or doesnt have a phone?? AT least she didn't give you the wrong number, that woulda sucked.

JUST make sure she knows because some girls get really emotional, and even if they say they won't sometimes they end up getting hurt anyway. So don't be a jerk to her at all.. Be kind a make sure she is totaly comfortable with the idea, and u should be okay.

I guess, coming from a girl, its good to start with the fingering. I think oral sex right now would be too much for the first time. So i say if you work with the fingers and play with her clit and figure out what works it will be good.. And every girl is different, so you may wanna ask her in a some kinda way what feels good for her,,, and let her guide you.

Hey, Well I would stay his friend, but just his friend. Not totaly abandon him but just kind of help him out for a distance. You just don't wanna get trapped into anything bad.. Chances are he will keep at it for awhile till he figures out for himself its bad. So i'd probably get out before i got more attached- but its just me.

Thats sick!!!! glad he is now ur ex.

THANK U SOOOO MUCH FOR WRITING ALL THAT> it actually does clear a lot up.

hey, i was wondering what kind of drugs your friend is hooked on?

Hey guys... If you are a man with already little patience usually, and sometimes have a short fuse...IF you are talking to say an ex gf, or just any girl who is extra sensitive and emotional woudl that annoy you. For instance, i had a talked to my ex online because i wanted to explain to him why i was being bitch and/or weird to him the nite b4 when he tried to speak to me.He had broken his nose and he wanted to tell me what happeend, and tell me he was in the hospital the past weekend..Well he just said i didnt think anything of it, i wasnt mad ..And he was just giving me one word answers and not seeming as interested to talkt o me...So stupid me pressed the issue, adn said you can tell me the truth..And i thought he was giving me the cold shoulder..He just said no but i have smoething to do...which was fix his computer and then shower.. All i had wanted to do was explain y i was being rude to him (cause it hought i coulda been mroe sympathic though he doesnt really deserve it), and he was just giving me short answers like he didnt wanna tlakt o me.. Then he said, someone came over his house and he had to go but said i'll talk to you soon.. See when he acts out of the ordinary i jsut wonder if hes pissed or if hes uninterested in me.. I guess i need someoen to tell me whether i am being way too sensitive.. Was he just anoyed bc i was pushing at him and he didnt really feel like talking? Just last night he was exccited to speak to me but i wasn't myself...And now today he was jsut shrot and brief and not that excited....Big deal or nothing at all? Do i take this as him losing interest in me? i was just doing good with him.. He has been wanting to speak to me a lot,a nd been initiating the convos. and now i feel like i messed up..Wat do i do to erase wat i did and be at an advantage again...Im stupid for even explaining myself, now its a lot worse off for me. When ur dealing with your ex, u just want to be sure you never make a wrong dumb move. i know i'd still stay and talking to him online if my friend came over or if i was fixing the comp.. Ig uess everybody is different. P.S. -we are only 20 yrs. old.

ummm im not the one who smokes.

Guys,,, Hey , he just imed me online.... He said he was about to go to sleep but saw i came on and wanted tos ay hi. He told me he broke his nose last week..and was in the hospital this weekend.. Maybe thats y he didnt call? Anyway, we spoke for about 40 mins.. And i wasnt being my sweet self at all, kind of cold and a litle uncaring...because i jsut dont knno how the heck to act towards him. So he just left to go to bed, bc he probably wasnt understanding why i wasnt being myself... I think im just gunna distance myself from him, i guess thats the best thing for now since i dunt want to get hurt anymore...and i just dont kno wat else to do. I wont interfere with his life or habits.. i'll just worry bout myself.. Thanks guys

Thanks again guys. And its totally cool that you responded back to my last reply. I welcome your help...you offer me a lot, and please dont refrain from posting again. Addressing the questions and views that were brought up: I dont believe that my ex bf started smoking more out of depression or guilt of breaking up. He was smoking when we together, i just think the habit increased after the split up. He hasnt had any new friends. When he shut me out, it was so strange. It was like one minute we were okay...and the next he was just turning into someone else. And this was mostly when he was back at home with his home friends, in that environment. It was like he wanted to just forget me and not deal with me, and just live it up with his friends from home. And what they did almost all the time was, smoke. Ever since he turned so cold, and when i talked to him on the phone it was like he was a whole other eprson.... he has just never been the same. And for sure you may think i am dumb, but when we saw each otehr there was still a lot between us and i saw it in him..i saw that same person somewhere inside.. Yea, i woulda just said forget this..but he just kept on giving me hope..But it was hard- he'd say things like he misses me, wants me...and the next min he just blows up and says forget it its not gona work...And then he wnted me but not in a full relationship-he wanted a non commitment so he didnt have to put that much work into it- and when i didnt go along with that, he got angry and said i dunt want you anyway. Now you think, well y didnt she just give up? Well i'd block him online for a month, and the minute i unblocked him he'd im me right away and try to explain. And we start talking again, and han gout- and just never had a bad time when we were togethre..it was the aftermath of it all.. Him not wanting more commitment and me wanting wat we had. I just never understood any of it, because he was the 1 who had watned to commitment more then anything before, and then all of a sudden he changed like that. Up at school, he smokes with the same people he has been friends with so thats nothing new. He jsut goes back and forth with me..Its like when he is home, he is a different person. He speaks to me online for awhile, but then doesnt call me like he says he is gona. Since pot is a large part of his everyday life i thought maybe he just cared mroe about that..But it could go deeper. All in all, i just dont understand what changed in him.. How he could feel so great and happy when hes around me, and not want me more seriously. I just dont get any of it. Maybe u guys think im stupid, and think that he is just using me. But we broke up a yr ago..And since that year he has been giving me all these ideas. He hasnt been in any other relationship- and last we spoke he wanted to see me nad wanted me to visit, but i didnt say ok..And he said these things.. Well maybe they were just htings and he'll never want me the way he used to.. just when he tells me he has a dream about me and it made him see wat he missed...and its like he should be with me- well that just confuses the hell outta me and makes me mad!!! And soemtimes, i think he believes he doesnt desserve and he wont be good enough for me, so he doesnt even try- once he said sometimes he felt like that...I duno if its true..It just seems like hes either confused, using me, or doesnt want to put in the effort. But i do believe he cares about me a whole lot, and still has some feelings inside. Sorry, lost track of myself. Thanks again.

She definitely does want to go to the movies with you, so ask her!! It seems very obvious, unless she is just playing games. As far as the moeny thing goes...Well its nice for the guy to offer to pay, especially if its the first date or second. It just shows that he respects her, and is just chivalrous. No theres no written rules, but i think sometimes it shows the woman if the guy is considerate and stuff. As the relationship moves further on, i for one offer to pay my half, and i'll swtich it up if my guy gets the bill quite often. I dont think the guy should always pay, but just nice to offer.

Hey guys, Well just wanted to say thanks a lot for all your feedback. Everyone was really great, and really helpful. Much appreciated. The reason i asked the site, was because i know a lot of people have experiences first hand with this subject.. And things i found online were helpful, but nothing really was what i was looking for. This person I am worried about is my ex bf. He broke off a pretty awesome relationship we had, for no real true reason. Ever since, we still talk but he just asks a lot different. Not just personality, but i do see some physical differences..and lack of motivation and sometimes lonely or sadness. He has closed me out of his life a lot, and he is just hot and cold. But he does have a job, and goes to school... But i see that he centers a large part of his life around smoking. And it does get in the way of things as far as i can see. I feel that nothing i say can convince him.. He smokes with alll his buddies, and if he stopped i think he may lose a lot of his friends since they are all connected by this. He stays in and smokes all the time, and never goes out..Only goes out to smoke with other people. He used to be different. And he used to want to be with me all the time. Now it seems he just wants to be smoking with his friends, and by himself- doesnt want anyone to get involved. I think maybe there are some emotional problems behind, but again he hasnt been opened in awhile. He does forget a lot, and will always say o i planned on calling you but i smoked and got sidetracked. Im not one to change people. But i see something that i havent really seen in anybody before. Is it possible that when hes alone with me he is more tru to himself, and more vulnerable? He was very emotional when we were together, but just stopped for no reason other then somethign just clicked- or too much stress, or he has a short fuse..Just all those excuses. he can never explain why he shut up me out so quickly. But the reason i care so much is that he still has a piece of my heart, and i still see that he cares- in his eyes i still see that spark. He also says he regreted breaking up, but didnt do anything about it-- I just dont know if the pot had anything to do about it, and i want to help but i just think he'd shut me out more if i did.. BUt thanks a lot guys!!!!

Hey.. Im trying to figure out how much marijuana you would need to smoke to be considered a frequent user, and or big addicted.. Could someone who has been smoking for about 2 yrs, give or take a few months..be a frequent user if they smoke on an avg of about 4 times a wk, and usual more and more than once a day? Could someone be addicted if they only have been smoke for around 2 yrs? Anybody familiar with this topic...i'd appreciate your help. Im doing some research for someone. Of course he doesnt think theres anything to worry about, but hes only 20 and has been using since 18 or a little earlier, and i have been noticing some things. Please help if you can. THanks. and i kno pot is not addictive!!!

OK wow clyde.. you sound like u r in the completely same situation i was in last year, its crazy. Seriously, if you wanna talk to me you can PM me...Im a female but my ex did the same thing to me. We met in college, both 19. We pretty much started this wonderful relationship during x-mas.. HE was madly in love, and was all for it as much as i was. And we split during summer to go home, and he wanted to stay together as much as i did- we never fought either. And a month into summer or so, just a week after he invited me up to see him. He breaks up with me out of no where!! mJust says something clicked and couldnt handle the long distance relationship-and he didnt have any other real reason. Well he told me he wanted to still be friends with me, and all that. BUt at school the next yr we eventually got talking again within a month and saw each other. And there was still alot between us...He felt something for me still but just didnt want to get bak into a relationship bc he couldnt handle it and was stressed. Well thorughout the whole year i felt like his yo-yo, and 2 weeks b4 this summer he said that he regretted breakign up with me, but didnt want to do anything bc summer was coming up. Well he still plays those games now during the summer, like i miss u a lot and i wish u were here--but hasnt called.. Sorry man, Im not trying to get carried away here. Im just trying to sympathize with you, that it does suck when someone does that out of nowhere esp, when you believe that your relationship was awesome. MY advice is that these jobs, and just being in separate home environments is probably alot for her to handle right now. And i have come to realize that people really have problems keeping their home life and their relationships neck and neck. TO much distance can suck. And shes probably just feeling this pressure. Its one thing to be away from someone for a few wks, and have such anticipation to see them..But i think after a month or so, sometimes people just get used to not seeing that person . I duno- its hard to explain and i dont feel like this. And i know it's wrong either way. But i dont think you should wait around for her. I dont mean forget her, but have a fun summer. I regret what i did last yr- being so depressed and ruining my vacation. So you chill, be with your buddies.. And i bet back at skool she will see you and those feelings will still be between you. They have to still be there. You ended the relationship with nothing wrong, so there def. will still be sparks btwn you too. Just keep the faith, and dont think she will lose her heart for you. Shes probably just stressed and confused. And please PM me if you wanna talk or anything. I think i can help a lot with this siutation. GL

Heard something tonight... "The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back." Aint that the truth!!! When you try to let go of something or someone, and make a change...its so hard to stay strong in your decision, cause the past is always haunting you. I guess you just have to be headstrong... I hope everyone finds their peace of mind, and figures out the best direction to take in their life. It can be done. We just need to be fighters... -ME

Ok. Well although im only 20, ive been in the same position as ur ex gf. So i hopefully can give some good advice. Its obvious to me that this woman loves you whole lot. She woulda bailed on you right away, instead of tried to work through all the problems in the first place. IT really messes with a girl's mind when the guy they are with pulls the girl back and forth, like a rollercoaster ride, wanting them, not wanting them...And maybe the guy is going through all of these thoughts in his head and is just confused, but when he takes the girl along for that ride with them --in the end it really does a number on that girl. Its a horrible feeling to fall in love with someone, and to want to ease all their problems and be a supportive figure to them. But when that person has personal problems that nobody can really help, and he needs to deal with them for himself, it sucks for that woman. She wanted to help you, but she couldnt. And instead of just telling her in the very beginning that you need space, you just confused her. And i know how she feels. She kept getting her hopes up and then getting crushed again and again. I bet she feels like a yoyo. Well i know when i was that girl, my faith and trust for my ex bf completely diminished. I lost so much in him...after awhile i didnt believe a word he said. he still continues telling me how much he misses me, but bc i was put in ur ex gf's position i just dont believe him in the least. I feel like i was used in a way. And id ont want to be with someone who was so unsure about being with me. Its normal for her now to develop this insecurity. Not necessarily one with all guys...BUt just an insecurity when it came to u. If shes anything like myself, she probably is very uneasy at the thought of being wiht you again. Since you were on and off with her, she probably would be worried that u'd do it again that quickly regardless of wat u say to her. Having sex with ur ex, with no strings attached isnt a good idea. She probably liked it and said she was ok with it, but there are always emotions given ur history together. And it plays with the girls heart. I felt used after awhile- bc me and my ex had sex after our breakup a lot and he cared about me- didnt want a relationship but in the end in felt wrong and cold. Although she is with other guys, im sure she thinks about you for the most part. I realize that you are more mature and serious. And by seeing a counselor you showed ur sincerity. But by no contact for 3 mos. you can see whether you really love each other, or it was more of a needy relationship. That is wats probably going through her mind. She probably wants to see what will happen in 3 months. If you will still feel as strongly for her or forget her. If you forget her, it will just show her that you just needed her in a selfish way in her mind. If you are still in love , they she can see that your words are real and true. Sometimes the thoughts of losing someone so close to you is just scary, but by doing this you can see exactly how you feel about her. She may always care about you, and may move on...but i doubt it. She def. does want the best for you, and never has stopped loving you after all the things she has been through with you- she was still there! So i suggest, no contact for 3 mos. Respect what she wants, and take the time out to really figure out what you want, and how u can prove that you are a good man to her at the end of the 3 mos. It may seem like a long time, but not if u keep busy. BUt please....take the time out and really figure out what you want, if its defintiely her.. Because she will be destroyed if u flake out on her again. You gotta do anything in the world to show this girl you want her...but at the end of the 3 mos. I hope this helps... Let me kno.

Hey 8minuteslate... So r u basically just looking to make peace with this girl, and not want to get romantically involved with her in anyway, just become friends and clear and bad air between you to? Am i correct in understanding that? I wouldnt push this girl. Id still definitely write her the letter. But i wouldnt do much mroe than that. Its up to her, if she wants to do something more. Id again mention in the letter that you would like to speak to her as friends to explain how sorry u feel but will wait for her to contactt u because u dont want to do anything she doesnt feel comfortable with. Just totaly and completely put her needs first in this letter, dont write it so u just have a clean conscience. My first real relationship ended pretty badly too. And my bf had turned into the biggest jerk. THe main problem was that he didnt just say gbye and let it go. He kept comnig back, changing his mind over and over again. Eventually he drove me crazy, and ***ed up my head so bad. Now my trust and faith in his is pretty much done. U dont want to do any mroe damage here. So just make sure that you are doing something you wont go back on.. And if u are honest and sincere then let her see that you care about her feelings. GL

i think that a letter and a picture would be really nice for her to read. I've been in ur ex's place recently. She isnt going to be quick to trust u or have faith in you, and may even not believe what ur letter is going to say. BUt if you show her your sincerity, and carry out ur promise to deliver a photo...i think she would like it. And it would be really nice to see that you are still appreciated by ur ex, and he still does care about you. But dont go back on your word again, and mess around with her again because that can really screw up a girl pretty badly. Be kind, take it slow and dont push. If she apprecaites ur letter, she will come around.. Maybe say something in their that you would like to talk to her, but will wait for her to contact u if she is interested.

well, me and my ex are very honest with each other. And even though we've been officially broken up for a yr. We have still be together on and off, in some weird relationship for the past 7 mos or so. I know for sure that the break up had nothing to do with him having feelings for his ex gf again. He is always truthful with me. And he made it clear that he doesnt want anything to do with her like that, and thinks nothing more of her except that shes a slut. And after our break up a few mos later we started talking again, and he said that he still missed and had a lot of feelings for me. And did regret breaking up with me in the end, but couldnt take it. So i know that he wanted this relationship btwn us more than me, and he even cried bc he realized how he was taking our love for granted at one point while we were together... Cheech- could he still be so affected by this ex gf a yr later? i kno he doesnt want to be iwth her again.. But they do live in the same town, have some mutual friends i think---THanks for ur advice.

Well, im sorry to hear you feel like that. But i was there too. may i ask why you 2 broke up? Do you guys talk at all anymore? Maybe you should see if she would be up to hanging out just as friends, to catch up and see how u 2 r doing. NOt like pour ur heart out to her, but to be friendly. I do not think its a good idea to be with someone else so soon after you 2 broke up, esp if you have so much still burning inside from this girl. Its obvious. You need to heal and get over her ex before you can move on with another relationship.. ITs not fair to you and not fair to your partner. You need some peace of mind. Is it possible she still thinks about you? Did she want teh break up? I know how it feels to be lonely..but its important that you go out as much as possible.. Even if its for a run. Do anything to escape. You need to empty your mind. Keep as busy as possible. Dont listen to music and do nothing..It will make you feel a lot worse. It is important to allow yourself some grieving time , and dont be afraid to cry it will help. BUt if you feel like you cant stop crying, i suggest working out, or just getting out. It really helps ease your mind. I know its the last thing you want to do. I know im not much help but im just trying to throw out suggestions... Feel better!