smiles314

no need to cut me open i died of a broken heart ashen gray and cold my mirror turned to stone So typical my heart

Hey all.. I know its been awhile since I've posted up here but things are pretty hetic with me. I'm now back at college for my 3rd year here.. I just wanted to give a quick update about my situation for all of those who remember situation and heart ache over the summer.. For anybody interested just see my old posts. They explain it all. Well now going on the 3rd yr of having some weird relationship with my ex bf. I finally saw him after not seeing him the whole summer. When we saw each other, those same old feelings and same old looks came back once again.. SOmetimes it's exhausted how those feelings just never seem to leave. In the beginning, it seemed like my ex was very interested in trying to build something back and getting comfortable with me again. He took me out to dinner and we caught up which was nice, and he cooked me dinner. We still fooled around and have that physical connection there. It has been almost 3 months and we see each other about once a week, sometimes more sometimes less. Now I always have a great time when we are together. BUt lately, he has been involved in his school work, he isn't doing that well in school and he supposedly needs time to study which he rarely ends up doing. He also is busy working about 8 hrs 4 times a week. And he always ends up hanging with his buddies out their house and basically drinking and smoking pot. I'm not asking him to not be a 20 yr old college guy. BUt lately, I feel that he has been lazy with me and is just not interested in giving me anymore. I guess I can't blame him, not every guy in college wants that full time relationship. He has given some lame excuses, like he isn't comfortable with me yet, or he doesnt know how much longer he'll be in school, because he thinks he may get kicked out which really isn't feasible. I definitely feel like I want more.. Not necessarily a full time boyfriend, but I'm missing that romance and that sweetness of it all. Yes, i have told him this. And he says he just doesnt want anything serious right now, but there is always a possibility of something happening int he future. We are going on a school break in about 3 weeks for a month, and he says he doesnt want to start anything because of that. One excuse after the next. Since this has been going on for 2 years almost..I kind of think that he just doesn't want me as his girlfriend at all. He ims usually everyday, and we talk for awhile.. But something unusal happened the other day. We had hung out and fooled around, and that went fine. But he hasn't been around in a few days or online that much. Maybe I'm crazy but sometimes I think that means he is ignoring me. Although he hasn't been doing that lately. He has been pretty good talking to me a lot. I guess I just wanted to explain that i was so frustrated with him. How he always like to be iwth me, but just doesn't want what I want. I guess I know my own answer and I just have to stop this once and for all. I just wish he'd want to try to pursue this. I guess he just doesn't want to put in that effort for me.. Oh well. Hope evryone else is good.

OMG for her sake PLEASEEEE don't just go WHAM..... You seriously have NOOOOO idea how much it hurts.... EVEn if she does want it....to just rip into her....You gotta be slow and gentle..AND yes communicate, ask her. If you are wrong you may traumatize the poor girl. Maybe bring it up while you are just hanging so this way when you are fooling around, you can go right into things..

Hey... i was wondering why a guy would choose to hang out with his good friends over a girl who he likes, enjoys his company with and loves the feeling he gets when he is around her. WHy does the guy rather see this girl evry so often and hang out with his guys all the time- they share his time equally? What is the guy thinking?? its so weird to me...

Hey- u mentioned that he was too insecure to show his feelings..and to lose.. Could u maybe expand on that? Often he keeps what he is thinking inside and never says it- thought maybe he didnt wanna be vulnerable. But could u explain more about this insecurity u believe he has?

Hope this makes some sense.. Trying to type but all i see are tears in front of my face. OK im back at college.. Came back yestrday.. And my ex bf, who i spoke to a lot over the summer- HE imed me and wanted to see me last nite. We talked for a long while online, and finallyl he came here to pick me up.. Well we went bak to his dorm room . It was very late. SO we spoke for a little, and layed next to each other- but just talekd. We hadnt seen each other in over 3 mos. But within minutes things just were back to normal- I felt completely safe and comfortable with him..And those feelings were there for the both of us. WEll basically we just hugged each other really tight, and kissed.. And well i was gettinga little physical-- and when i looked up, my ex said i duno- part of me wants this, part of me doesnt want to ruin whats happenign between us. ANd he knew that i didnt wanna rush into anything again.. Anyway we went to sleep like that, real sweet. ANd it looked like he was so sincere and really really cared. Well last yr we were invovled...but he was sorta wanting me whenevr it was good for him- and i felt used. I said that i dont want to do the same thing that happened last yr. ANd he said its nto gona happen again.. WEll i woke up in the morning and we kept looking at each other. Well we started kissing, things got passionate.. and we let our selfs go- had sex. And when it was done (he was really quick) . Thigns felt awkward. THose feelings from last yr came back and felt like he was using me again.. I was so confused. He asked wat should we do now, and he looked at me and asked if i wanted to go home- I said yes, bc i thought he was hinting for me to leave. So he drove me home, we didnt hug- IT was just reallll awkward..And he dropped me off and gave me a quick kiss. When i got here i just broke down and cried. Then i imed him on the computer. And said we may have ruined it- and he said i dont think so. And he was just sayign he didnt want me to leave but he thought i felt uncomfortable. He was saying that he wats that feelings back, how he felt when he was around me all the time. And he agrees that it was a good night. BUt ya kno-- he makes a comment about wat i say and then he just goes and talks abotu something random. And that really bothers me. So this was like an hr later.. And he asked what iw as doing today, and i said i didnt kno- and he didnt kno either. So i asked if he wanted to do somehting, and he said we'll see im not sure wat im doing... So he was goona tlak to me after a shower... Well he was just around his apartment like 40 mins later.. so i asked him if he knew wat he was gona do- And he said he was gona go Smoke some pot with his good friend (MAJOR pot head). And i told him that i was homesick, and nobody was in my apartment and i felt so lonely and wanted to cry, he just said awww. And mentioned, i dont help that? ANd then when i said well u dont wana hang out now.. And he said i gotta see my bouddy- And basically he just becomes something else. And he said i dont kno wat im doing later.. We'll see- and i just said forget its like im forcing u... And he didnt really say anythign, and just said that his friend came and he was leaving- so i said ill see u arond. And that was it.. I dont get how someone becomes sooo different when they are with there group of guy friends. ANd how he chooses to go smoke a joint with his friends, and not stop by to say hi.. I feel like in the end he only wants to do whats best for him, and what will make him happy and doesnt care about me. HE would never ever think to stop by and surprise me. HE just wants to smoke.. And he said pot doesnt take priority over me- but hes smoking.. SO wta the hell??? And he didnt say that he wanted to see me later for sure because he just wants to see wat his guy friends are doing.. HE says he wants me back, but this is bullshit. HE is soo selfish.. I kno we hang out last nite and earlier this morning. BUt if the girl ur trying to build a relationship bak up with is lonely, and wants to see u again-- wouldnt u make some effort??? IM sooo hurt and upset. I Dont kno what to do.. He talks to me a lot but i feel like his friends come first.. I kno he really cares.. But i feel like he just goes with the flow and never tries to do something extra.. He never wants to say wats on his mind.. I dont kno what to do here. I wanna be with him..BUt im in so much pain right now.. I feel rejected and lost. Its just not right... Help...

Ok guys, here is my quickie question... So my ex bf keeps talkign to me a lot, and says that he misses me, thinks about me all the time, and wants to be with me (but hasnt made it clear how serious). Basically its hard for me to believe him since i have these insecurity issues now from him (since he was the dumper). My quick question is that, lately everytime i am online when he is, he ims me within a few mins. And hes been iming me like once a day at least. So this pattern was starting to form, he would just keep saying hi to me and it was making me feel like he really means what he says and he does miss me a lot- cause i would just constantly get ims from him. Well last night, I came online and i saw my ex was there. So i left for a minute, and when i came back to my surprise he hadnt imed me. Then i was thinking that since he was iming me 24/7, maybe he was busy or didnt feel like talking... But when i imed him to see wat was up.. he said that he wanted to "switch things up" and wanted to see if id im him without him having to im me. Yeah i know this sounds dumb, the whole AIM thing.... but thats where we do a lot of our talking lately. Then i had asked him if he really doubted i'd im him, and he said he wasnt sure. Soo does this mean he is insecure, and just does a really good job of hiding it? Or was he just feeding me a line, and really just didnt care whether we spoke? its weird to me ya kno...... Because i feel like im the one with all the insecurities, its weird to think that he could feel the same -wondering what i think of him after everything thats went on... And the next time we are online together, u think he will continue to keep iming me the way he used to?

They say u need 3 months for ur body to adjust. If the cramps are unbearable report it to ur doctor.. Otherwsie it should be normal and just keep taking them the same time evryday.

i kno guys tend to think about sex a lot an its natural that they generally want to have sex with someone they care about.. But if an ex bf confesses that he misses u, and wants to be with u again -not sure exactly how committed he means but he's pretty serious about it.. And then suggest that u 2 should get drunk together because it would be fun and u never did it before... Does that really show that he is just after sex? Or is it normal for guys to say something like that bc it is fun to get drunk... I mean does that remark really show anything about his intentions? He has been talking to me a lot, and our conversations are long and never about sex and stuff. Maybe jokes, and a little flirting but nothing straight out. I have confronted him and said i dont want to be used for sex, and my trust is low and asked him if thats all he is after. He says hes not after that. BUt it seems like he def does want to have sex with me.. Is it just part of his emotions? or is it the only thing on his mind?i kno he is physically attracted to me, and we enjoy being physical together- but he also seems to really miss me being around, and says that he realizes something never died between us. I can believe him usually, but when he makes remarks like lets get drunk together- my mind kinda wonders the real intention.

HEy guys..Ok cutting to the chase. I feel very confused. Im 20. ANd my ex and i have been going back and forth for a yr, and went out for 7 mos. b4 that. WE go to college together so will be seeing each other in a few wks. We have been apart for the summer, for over 3 months. Now recently he has been saying to me that he has been seriously thinking and realizes that something has never died btwn and he wants me, but doesnt kno in what way exactly since we havent been together in a while. He tried to explain to me the reasons he was so unsure about his feelings towards me, and tried to explain the reason for the break up. But im just so confused bc i dont know what i want, or what i should do and whats best for me. It seems like he is good and ready for a gf now, and is lonely and thereforeeeee thats why he is ready to be with me again.. I dont doubt his love for me, and that he cares very deeply but i do feel as if he thinks he is in control of the situation. My heart still has a lot of feelings for him..And i love spending time with him. But i was hurt badly by him before so maybe i should just forget it, and try to be distant friends. I feel this bond with him though, this connection that hasnt died so im just very confused. I dont know what to do here. Or what would make him actually wake up, and really show me hwo much he cares- since he says a lot of stuff but not enough action. I feel like i deserve better but i feel like i havent felt this way about anybody in a very long time. Do i make sense here? I havent spoke with him for just a few days and i miss him already. But since we havent seen each other in a few months, maybe its just a temporary feeling of missing him. And once he sees me that will be enough for him or me? I dont kno. I guess getting bak with an ex is just so confusing. I know what people say, but i dont know if its even worth it. A lot of hesitations here, but my heart just overcomes me sometimes.

sounds like a possible fear of commitment on his part. How old are you guys? Maybe he doesnt want to lose you but doesnt know exactly what he wants, so is holding on in case he was realizing it was you all along? THese are just ideas. Im going through a semi-similiar time with my ex. We were together for about 7 mos. He broke up for kno good reason.. Then a few mos. later we started to talk once again...Then he wanted me bak, didnt, couldnt decide... Went through a whole lot of hell for about a yr as u can imagine. Now we havent seen each other in 3 months during this summer, and he has spoke to me and said that he regrets evrything, and knows that he wants me.. So im just as confused. I hope it helps knowing that someone is oging through the same stuff. I feel like its also an immaturity issue to.. But i realized that if we drop these guys, and dont let them put us on hold they will make a decision a little more quickly.. Wat do u think? I just dont know if i have enough faith in what me and my ex had, and know that he will want me in the end. Do u feel that strongly?

honestly, it all depends on the guy.

dont worry!!

I learned this the hard way.. Dont press ur bf if he doesnt give you an answer right away...esp when the question is on elike that. You dont wanna give the wrong impression and freak him out. He is getting irritated it seems and its probably best to just leave it alone for the nite.. i kno it sucks, but guys just dont like to be pushed when they are not in the mood.. U asked him a tough ques and im sure he doesnt know what ansewr will make u happy..and thats why he hasnt answered.. its scary to guys, and they dont think about that so deeply sometimes... when he is ready, let him tell u on his own.. Its not so important as to why he loves u...kno that he does ..and u will figure out the why part as time progresses-- dont force just let it come up naturally

hey ! its cool. My bf used to do that to me a lot. Id be soo oversensitive about what happened.. And he'd be spending a 16th of that energy thinking about what just went on.. I find guys to get very moody sometimes and just want to not go into things in detail..just kinda say thigns are cool and not worry anymore into it.. Where we have to make sure its ok.. I do it all the time, and its usually bad. And bad for me bc i drive myself crazy. Dont worry though. DOnt think about it. U 2 are fine, trust me. IF hes on, just ignore that and take it us him being in a bad mood. He probably just wants to stay away for the rest of the night bc he doesnt want anything to get worse. Just relax and dont sweat it. Its fine.

Quick ques... My ex bf and i have been talking online the last few days a lot- and convos go really well. He has been iming me whenever i come online within the first few minutes. Last night he imed me, but was kind of being a bit of a jerk and annoying so he left to go to sleep. But it was no big deal, we werent fighting or mad at each other or anything. So early tongiht, I signed online saw he was on, but had to run upstairs to do something. I came back a few minutes later.. And there was a message from him and the im read just like this.. "sorry... cant talk, my ride is here." By the time i was back, he wasnt online anymore. It was just weird to me because i hadnt imed anything to him, no hi or anything. So it was out of nowhere in a way. I thought maybe he imed me by accident? But then i realized that he would have had to click on my screen name and i dont think he would have done that accidentally... So was he just trying to be nice, and say in a rushed way that he wishes he could talk but had to run? It may seem like a dumb question to you guys, but i wanna make sure im not misreading anything since dealing with an ex is tricky.

oK.. well he def didnt have any company,, and he wasnt high- he cant smoke at home. Usually, i have habit of taking things to personally.. And its stupid i know but when speak onlne..things get easily misinterpretated. See with my ex, sometimes he jsut doesnt feel like dealing with anything, and has a short fuse and wants to just leave..So i take it as this insult and think its because of me..and if i dont jsut say gbye to him, and say just one mor ething, or ask a question he gets annoyed adn jsut says he is going. Now, we have been broken up for a year.. Fooling around on and of for another year.. he basically has been soo damn indecsive and wishy washy about what he wanted with me.. So my head is all messed up, thereforeeeee im scared that whatevr i do, big or small will mess something up because of our history- adn basically his short fuse. Recently though we have spoken a lot, and have had real good convos. He said taht he has figured a lot out and reaalized that soemthing never died between us- and he wants me..and he had some persoanlly things that stopped him from wanting a gf..but now things are better. I can tell he really cares, adn he even said i was one of his closest friends. Just yestrday we spoke twice in one day. Things just have been good-- but almost better then good bc he has been so eager to speak to me.. Always talking to me . we go to the same skool , and we will be back there at the end of the month. THroughout the last 3 months of summer we havent seen eahc other bc we are about 4 hrs away, but he has invited me a few times. BAsically i jsut need to know whether i ruined anything that was developing btwn me and my ex? id unt want to have annoyed him or anything- and he jsut wanted to sleep, he said we r cool.. BUt again my mind is soo messed up from evrything, i just get worried that i was too annoying. Online sucks when you are trying to tell how a person feels... Am i ultimately jsut to take this as something very small ? and soemthing that he probably wont remember toomorrow? Just not in a talkative mood, nothing personal? Didnt lose my edge? what should i do to further gain his interest?

Hey... Wat is up with guys and their mood swings? Ok i was online just now minding my own business. When my ex bf ims me...And he has been iming like every time he sees me online within mintues. Our conversations have been sweet, and long, and funny.. But tonight he ims me..And he was being different.. Not his usual self.. Keep in mind this is just online. But he is always funny and talks a lot, and we have good conversations. Well he had work this morning, and last nite i kept him up a litle later talking. And he had taken a nap all afternoon. He came online because he couldnt fall asleep, and he has work tomorrow at 7 am..which is in 6 hrs. So he said he wanted to talk to me but just wasnt with it. He was taking a longer time to im me back...And wasnt saying much. And then he started joking around with me, but being dumb saying that this wasn't him and i didnt know he was joking so i started to get pissed..Then i said i was gona go cause i was mad..And he said sorry im gona go watch a movie ..And i said- well dont u care that im mad and he said yea but i gota try to sleep...and he said he was just joking around..And it was soo stupid- I jsut told him that from my end it looked like he was being a jerk and i thought i did something. I d ont care if he jokes, but i cant tell online..And since he wasnt his usual self it was so weird to me. He was kind of being an ass. ..And then i told him i missed him and that was why i cared..And he said he missed me too..But was gonna go...And it was just so abrupt. I even tried to make the air okay, and talk about something stupid and he jsut was shrot with it and said he wanted to watcha movive and sleep.. So whats up with that?? LAtely we've been having such great convos. And hes been sweet, and really wanting me back.. And i was trying to play it cool and not wanting to lose my edge. In a guys head, was this really a big deal?? I kno its stupid, but he was just not normal tongiht. And i wanted to kno wat was up with that and if i lost any of the interest i had gained from him... Do you think he was annoyed by me or is and thats why he just left ? Or was he just in one of those moods...? Is it normal for a 20 yr old guy to get like that? It seemed like he jsut didnt wanna deal with any more conversation. He said he was gona go because he was being a jerk, like instead of jsut not being a jerk he was goin go lay down and jsut didnt wanna stay-it was 1am...Am i to take this personally guys? Did i ruin any of his interest in me? Or do u think its all very stupid and he will just forget it---doesnt htink its a big deal at all and will proabbly jsut talk to me normally tom? I jsut wanna make sure i didnt do any damage and push him away. P.s.- im dumb!!!

Well i think that is just stupid and selfish for him to say he wants sexual experiences so its fair.. That sounds like B.s to me. I wouldnt stand for it if i were you. If he wanted to experience stuff he should have done it while u were on a break.. If he is so serious about you, he shouldnt care about that anymore. He seems to be too immature at the moment. He needs to take evrything a lot mroe seriously. And if he wont quit, they i suggest you forget him for awhile. you guys are still young, and have many yrs to get through. After some times passes, u 2 may be able to meet again, and be better then before. Or maybe u'll realize that tehres more out there. But dont let him do that to you- if anything its disrespectful and you are worth mroe than that.

Layering and angling will defintiely lift the weight.. But i really suggest u just ask ur haircutter the same question.. They are experienced and can give u ideas. Keeping it shorter espeically around the face should make it more bouncy.

Ok... Well i spoke to my ex Friday...And wow what i weird conversation. We were talking about things having to do with college... We will both be going back to school and seeing each other again since the start of summer- in about 3 wks. We live 4 hrs apart, so havent seen each other in awhile. ANyway, he and i broke up about a yr ago after a 6 mos relaitonship...And he wanted the break up- never was clear why. And ever since then we still had hung out occasionaly and fooled around, and he was very confused- and very indecisive going back and forth about what he wanted. He had said that in the beginning of the summer, he regretted breaking up badly.. But nothing could happen since we were leaving each other again ( a large part of why we break up initially). Well we kept in touch throughout the 3 months, and sometimes spoke for awhile.. On friday- he basically said that he never ruled out us getting back together..and he asked if he should have? And he said that somethings just never die..and he has only felt that with me. And he was dealing with a lot of personal things this past yr. And basically he didnt know in what way he wanted me to be involved in his life, and he broke things off because he was trying to protect me in a shitty way. Because if we stayed together, he knew that things were going to be bad btwn us.---His Words. He apologized for everything being so weird. And he has figured a lot of stuff out..And knows that he wants me. I asked him in what way, since he had all these conditions previously. And he said its a little early to go into it since we still have a few weeks till we even see each other again.. But generally speaking, he is pretty lonely and has been single for awhile- he said. So I assume he wants a gf. He invited me up to see him again. But i'm just going to wait. And he also said that im not annoying him, and that i am one of his closest friends. And he misses me. So im left feeling highly confused. Can anybody explain to me whats going on with him here? Please.... I dont know why, but i kinda feel mad about what he said and even more confused .?? I feel like he thinks hes in control of everything... I kno He was genuine. But maybe its because the whole convo was online?? He ims me all the time now right away-within minutes usually thats all it takes. In fact he just imed me now.. Guys advice please???

im sorry!!!! i suggest that u justt go on with ur life.. Play the game.... ignore him and just act like u dont care..and he will come at you, and start to miss what is nto around anymore.. It worked for me big time.. And iw ouldnt have sex with him again, it just hurt me when i did it. And he should work for something like that.

i may be a few yrs younger than yr (20)..But whenever i cut ties with my ex, or at least tries to... our roles are reversed and he is the one who keeps coming at me and is dying to speak to me, and is dying to know how i feel about him.. Usually, he is always saying stuff like i miss you, etc. I dont think he knows whetehr he wants to just be friends or more either...But it seems that as soon as you do the opposite, and push away and move on..They get a panic attack.. Maybe they dont believe that we will leave and get over them.. And while they take the time to figure what they want and be cowards, they want us to hang around? Its frustrating as hell, and its just not fair. So what is the best thing to do? Who knows... will they ever change, and make things right? Im sorry i cant help you but you can PM me just to vent/talk... i dont mind esp. since im going through it too in a way. And these are all just guesses, I could be totally wrong here.

Ok. so after a lot of thinking, and reading I came to a conclusion that I believe my ex bf is a commitment phobe.. I dont know to what degree but he has shown many warning signs, and it seems to make sense now. He is an active phobic- the 1 who pushes and pulls, and becomes all intimate and then is cold. HIs mixed signals, along with the breakup that was out of nowhere..after an awesome 6 mos. relationship I think assures me that it really is a phobia. But of course i cant be completely sure. Brief history, he is 20 as am I. He never seemed to be afraid of commitment before from what he had told me of his past relationships. But i believe that several events have changed him.. His parents have been divorced for almost 10 yrs or so-- i think that had an effect in some way because his dad wasnt always around all the time as he was growing up. His brother and gf had a baby when they were about his age, and have been living together for a good 6 yrs now. So basically my ex and his mother are the only two at home. His first gf in high school was his longest relationship- she always spoke about marriage and that drove him nuts. Finally, in the relationship before ours he was cheated on- and hurt pretty bad as the result-that relationship was also 6 mos. I'd like to know what people think. And what i should do.. we may have been broken up officially for over a yr. But been together on and off this yr. I kno he still cares about me a lot, as i do for him. We still have the same talks, and the same real connection. Its hard for me to give up. He just never fails to always come back into my life. I could be avoiding him, or be distant to him and he always manages to pop back in wanting to kno that i still think about him and stuff, wanting to see me..And i cant complain- i still care a lot. Suggestions, advice, exchange of stories? All is welcomed. Thanks~~~

Ex-bf told me that he knows he was "spotty" with me this yr...What does spotty me?? He was very on and off about what he wanted, and his moods..And wanting to see me really bad one day and not the next.. IS that what he means by "spotty"? He has been making all these sidecomments about whether i want to see him, and care about him, and think about him (in a roundabout way) ..does that mean he is changing? He lately has been pressing convos about our feelings, and if and when we see each other when we go back to college. BUt he never comes right and says exactly what he wants and stuff..He just makes these remarks to see what i will say..Its annoying, but i'm not going to be the one to put all the effort into this anymore.. I think he should be man enough to explain how he feels.. Its almost like he is scared to say anything bc he doesnt kno what i think anymore.. He told me that he does think i care about him but i dont wanna show it.. I basically told him that i don't kno myself. HE has his moments where he spills everything, but hasnt be that open in awhile...and just says he has to be in the "mood" to. Well we havent been offically together for a yr. We were going out for 6 mos. Both 20-same college...different hometowns..And for the past yr, we have been on and off but not in any real relationship...HE couldn't handle a gf so it ended..BUt later on he said he regretted evrything..Then he says that distance is what he wanted (past tense).. HE invited me to see him twice this summer but i just brushed it off...We go bak to skool at the end of the month so i have no idea what will hapen when i see him. whats going on?