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bellamcb

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Everything posted by bellamcb

  1. bellamcb
    Without knowing why you guys broke up it's hard to offer advice. I do see why you'd be so confused though. Is it possible to contact him just asking what his purpose was? What is he trying to tell you? That sort of thing. Sometimes people are able to express themselves better with gifts etc., but for me at least, it's the words that count the most- the spoken words. You need some clarity on what he is doing/meaning. Again- I don't know why you broke up so it's hard to know. I wish you the best though.
  2. bellamcb
    "She will be mine one day." Okay- settle down. Sounds like she is totally into you. That isn't a way to talk about anyone. "He seems to think I am just not thinking straight because I went 9 years with no sex. It's getting on my nerves. I get tired of his wisecracking." It makes some sense. Again, I think she's into you but your friends were irritated because you couldn't stop talking/asking about her.....that should tell you to relax a little. Enjoy this time. "I feel like I have to see her again. I have talked to her on AIM a few times, but that isn't the same as being around her. I have been having dreams about her too. Everyone keeps telling me to wait and see what happens, and I know she is worth waiting for, it's just frusterating. I want to call her at her sister's house." Yes- you want to see her but she's getting out of a bad relationship. She doesn't need to be smothered and she will be better off if you let her take some time. Let it happen naturally. Don't pester her. Just my thoughts.
  3. bellamcb
    This is such an issue between me and my friends! I for one, always offer to pay. Well I used to because I'm married now but only since November. I agree with others who point out that women often make as much as men and times have changed. I'm guessing that whatever jokes were made regarding you paying your share didn't go over well. They made things uncomfortable....which is why he was reluctant to walk you to the train (was it a train?). Look, ladies- being treated like a lady doesn't mean we are supported. In fact, I'm not sure we know what it means and I'm certain most men don't know what it means. Some women don't like doors opened for them, some do. Some women like men to stand up when a woman stands up, some women find that insulting. We want equal rights and equal pay. We should share the burden of dating. Now- to qualify these statements: I like to be treated like a lady too- but that means I like to be regarded as feminine. I want him to cater to me when I'm sad, and to hold my chair out, hold the door open, kill spiders and just generally take the "man" role when I need him to. Also, I have been lucky in that I make a lot of money and have since I was 25 or so. So, that could taint things for me. But, my husband makes far less than I do.....and I'm totally fine with that. I really have been lucky and have a graduate degree etc., which not everyone has the luxury of pursuing. And finally- for me paying for dinner, with friends or anyone always has come down to who could pay what. I am not a fan of "dutch" so I've always done, "I'll get this" knowing that he (she/friends) will get it next time. I think ultimately if we talked to the date he would say something about the jokes made regarding her paying for her meal. He could be a complete idiot....he could really have cared about the $4......which is so lame....but he could also have just been fishing to see what she thought about pitching in, in which case her response didn't sit so well.
  4. bellamcb
    Absolultey agree. This has to stop. You need to tell your husband of your feelings of alienation from him. Focus these energies on your marriage. This pseudo relationship is a mistake.
  5. bellamcb
    I still disagree with that line of thinkig. If he doesn't tell her she doesn't know. The comments keep coming back to how she can't trust him right now, which is factually incorrect. She can and she does. If he tells her, all the things said will be true. If he doesn't, she'll go on as she did. Either way- it's his decision.
  6. bellamcb

    Pregnant?

    bellamcb replied to Nessa's topic in Pregnancy

    Well, I'm right there with you because mine was the 16th. Different situations though- I'm hoping to be pregnant. Give it a couple of days and if nothing happens, go get a test. I suspect you're okay.
  7. bellamcb
    She doesn't have to make that decision if he doesn't tell her. The trust and respect will be lost only if he tells her. At this point- she CAN trust him, which is my point. He made a mistake. I'm not in any way advocating what he did or minimizing the pain it would cause her but does she have a right to know? I'm not sure if she wants to know but he's going to make that decision for her if he tells her. She has no say in the matter. Believing what he said, that there is no way that she will find out, I do think it's fair to keep her in the dark. It is fair to not completely ruin her for the next however many months and to cause her to question every future relationship for years to come. He destroyed the trust and respect between them only in HIS eyes and in OUR eyes. She has no idea. She is walking around all happy and excited to be moving in with him. Regarding stds, I am assuming he used protection (he may have said this) and although nothing is 100 percent, I think if he used a condom he can be reasonably sure he's okay. But he is making the decision for her about whether she needs to make the decision. There is a big difference. She is not living a lie. HE is. She is fine. The values and promises are not completely eroded. He made a mistake. We all make mistakes and no we shouldn't be judged by them and yes I'm sure most of us wish nobody knew about them. I'm sure there are some out there that have "secret" mistakes that they would never tell anyone about. He didn't do anything illegal, he most likely didn't do anything to harm her health and he clearly loves her. Assuming he's legitimately going to change his ways, then I really believe she's better off not knowing. In fact, he's better off if he tells her but I'm thinking about her. If she never ever finds out and they stay together, or break up in the course of normal relationship life, then so be it. At least she wasn't totally destroyed and hurt in the process.
  8. bellamcb
    I wear glasses every so often- to things like movies and to drive (I'm near sighted). Never heard anything but compliments from men. Never! In fact, I consider getting the lasic surgery but my husband loves the glasses. If I had to wear them all the time....would get the surgery. But like I said, to answer your question, I think they've been a real turn on to men.
  9. bellamcb

    Pregnant?

    bellamcb replied to Nessa's topic in Pregnancy

    When was your last period? Typically women don't get pregnancy symptoms so early- meaning the appetite and stuff. Sore breasts are a decent indicator but they also come with pms. Don't forget too that stress can delay your period. If your period is actually late- just go buy a test and get it over with.
  10. bellamcb
    What was he like when you met? When you were first married? Was this always a problem? If the answer is yes, then it doesn't sound like he is going to change. However, you could still try to remember what he was like and what attracted you to him to the point of marrying him. If the answer is no, then can you think of anything significant that has changed that would cause this silence? Is he this way with the kids, too? Obviously nobody wants to be in a relationship where you don't feel heard or feel any connection. This is unhealthy and not good for anyone. The kids pick up on this stuff and obviously you don't want them growing up thinking this is normal. Kids typically learn what is "normal" from their parents, whether they take it on and mimic it or they do the opposite- it does impact them.
  11. bellamcb
    You don't need to tell her. I'm sorry to disagree with everyone else (well mostly everyone) but it is going to kill her (assuming she's as in love as you describe). If you can 100 percent KNOW that you will never, ever do it again, don't tell her. You made a big, giant stupid mistake. She shouldn't suffer. Once she finds out, she will question every single time you are away- what are you doing, where are you going, why are you late? If you feel tempted to do it again then tell her but I hope before you allow her to move in, you really can know in your heart that you won't. If not, then tell her. She does not deserve to hear this stuff....knowing this about you will not enlighten her to who you really are. Everyone: think about your biggest, dumbest mistake for a minute: does that define you? do you want to be judged by this forever by the people that know and love you? do you regret it and know that you will never do it again? it was a mistake!! He screwed up. If he's truly sorry, this is the end of it. She doesn't need to suffer.
  12. bellamcb
    At 16, I'm finding it hard to believe you're an authority on what women are attracted to. What does your girlfriend say? Hmmm? This article really is meant to soothe the egos of those that can't get women and want to blame it on the nice guys (or anyone else apparently), that can. It's just hilarious and so transparent.
  13. bellamcb
    So assanine! An idiot wrote this. An angry, jealous, petty idiot who is trying to make excuses for being an a**hole.
  14. bellamcb
    I don't know why you have to tell her. If you are never gong to do it again and you are sure she's never going to find out, the only thing you're going to accomlish is relieving your guilt while simultaneously crushing her. Make it up to her by being 100 percent faithful and loving.
  15. bellamcb
    You obviously had some part in creating the baby so take responsibility for it. I am supportive of you and your problems but if she is pregnant, then your needs take a back seat.....as they should.
  16. bellamcb
    Yes- take the test asap and don't sleep with anyone until YOU, and YOU ALONE, are ready to have another baby. Sweetie- you need to focus on the first one. You made the decision to have sex, create a baby (by not using protection), have it and now you've done it again. I think at your age you should assume that any guy you sleep with isn't ready to be a father figure. Most men in their twenties aren't ready. You made your decisions- try to live with them. Good luck to you.
  17. bellamcb
    Go to school! There are great student loan programs that enable you to handle your debt. I graduated with $20k in debt and it wasn't a big deal because the degree gave me so many more opportunities.
  18. bellamcb
    She is pulling your chain. A half hour of intercourse is great, particularly at the beginning of a relationship. But every time? No way? And longer? Uh-uh. She's full of it. I happen to talk this over with girlfriends all the time and honestly, 15 mins of foreplay and 15 of sex is just great with us. Even less. Nothing wrong with a quickie!
  19. bellamcb
    You know, another thought is this: If that HAD happened, wouldn't she have said something earlier? Like right away? If you shoved her etc., then she would have been inclined to not let her son go away with you then. Instead she had a week to think of some reason not to like you and make your son see it through her eyes. Perhaps she saw how much he cares and realized it might be serious, threatening her relationship with him.
  20. bellamcb
    God. What an unusual thing to have happen. It sounds like the mother is nuts and I don't think going through her to straighten this out is going to get you anywhere. I think you should try to talk to your boyfriend and tell him what really happened and perhaps even ask if his mom has ever made something up before because this is so ridiculous. For her to do this, I'm doubting it's the first time. Meaning, it is so crazy there must be other events or experiences he's had that would suggest to him that she is capable of this. If not, then I am at a loss. It's completely insane and to suggest that the problem is so severe that you blocked it is assanine. What's the message there? you've gone 25 years being a productive, health, normal and successful member of society but hidden behind it all is this aggressive freak who hits old ladies? If he doesn't believe you then honestly, he's not worth the time because his mom will ALWAYS be a problem and that would stink. You don't want her being the grandmother to your kids someday much less in your life forever and ever. Good luck!
  21. bellamcb
    It seems like he wants to get caught though I don't know why he would want that. The phone bill? I really think he knew you'd look at it and recognize the number. It's not a big leap at all- think about it- you did review it and you did recognize it. Subconsciously or otherwise, I believe he knew you'd pick up on it. His reaction to your remarks??? It's so clear something is going on there and if there wasn't, he would have calmly reassured you. He wouldn't have gotten angry much less asked you to leave. He made it a bigger deal than you were making it. That is really odd. So, why would someone want to get found out? Maybe he's not ready to move past Ms. 16-year. If that's the case, he's not only forcing the relationship (in a passive aggressive way) to end, but he's also validating that it still exists. You sound so normal and healthy and great- you deserve better!
  22. bellamcb
    Your last post sounds a little defensive and I hope that isn't what you're feeling. I think you are used to what's going on and for us, it's all new and frankly, a bit shocking. You are putting up with too much. I could see maybe tolerating one example of one of those things one time. Not any more.
  23. bellamcb
    Yes. Good luck! Please be as brutally honest as you can with her though. Make sure you allow her to see that this is a very serious situation that needs to change.
  24. bellamcb
    Hi there. First, congratulations for having the strength to end an unhappy marriage after so many years. I personally don't have experience in this but my mother divorced my dad after 25 years and your post reminded me of some of the same things she used to say. She ended it but it took her years to get over it. She used to say that it takes half the life of the relationship to get over the breakup (she read it somewhere). That seemed true for the first couple of years- she couldn't stop talking about him: how much she hated him , what is he doing now, etc.. Turns out it was only those years. She is great now and so happy she divorced. She dated and went through one mini-relationship just like you described. She was needy and alone. However, now she dates once in awhile and otherwise just enjoys a very happy, lively life. I think if she could speak to you she would recommend getting on with your OWN life. Forget men for awhile. Join (or start) a book club or whatever makes sense in your area. I don't know where you live but my mom joined a hiking club she loves. She also became active in local community events. She has more friends now than she ever has and seems happier than I've ever seen her. I imagine how hard this is for you and I hope you can just "survive" this period in your life so you can get to the best part that focuses only on you. Just hang in there. take care!
  25. bellamcb
    I agree whole heartedly with michele. This guy doesn't seem like he's good enough for you.
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