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bellamcb

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Everything posted by bellamcb

  1. bellamcb
    How about an activity? Bowling (sounds dumb but can be fun), pool, mini golf, kareoke, ???? I'm sure there are many more ideas others can come up with.
  2. bellamcb
    You can't predict when she will or won't call you because it depends on so many factors: her mood, her relationship (are the getting along or aren't they at the moment?), her sense of self, her security with her friends.....all kinds of things. Honestly, I would just end it. You are better off!
  3. bellamcb
    Well then, you would certainly know better than I would! Good luck!!
  4. bellamcb
    Well, I can't. If she's avoiding you now then that is a big sign.
  5. bellamcb
    She needs constant validation because it makes her feel more secure. What's better than one man who wants you? Two men that want you. You sound like you're over it and don't need to deal with her at all. So don't. Just focus on you and your relationship. You sound like a great guy and you don't need to be distracted by this immature stuff (she will grow out of it....just may take several years).
  6. bellamcb
    It sounds like she just wants attention and as I said before, I would stay away from that. She could very easily just be bored. Or, as many do, just trying to get you to react because you're so comfortable with the breakup. That doesn't mean, at all, that she is interested in getting back together. Many people (particularly in certain age groups and I don't know how old you are) tend to keep those they've broken up with close because they need the constant validation. Her actions could have absolutely nothing to do with how she feels for you. If you're in your teens or early twenties, I would guess that is in fact the case.
  7. bellamcb
    Caldus wrote: And to think you aren't even legal yet anyway... What is the legal age for sex in America? In Australia it's 16! 18 _________________ It's not 18 in America. It's 18 if you're going to sleep with someone else that is 18 or older. 16 year olds have legal sex all the time (not that I'm condoning it). In any case, putting the blame on someone else and asking for advice on how to secure that story is not something I'm guessing most people will support.
  8. bellamcb
    She's using any excuse she can to make contact with you. And, by getting angry and starting a fight, she's trying to get you to react and say something. I would stay far, far away from her. She sounds beneath you.
  9. bellamcb
    Agree. It sounds like you're feeling a loss and also sounds like you're feeling lonely. It's always difficult to readjust to being alone and because you're alone tonight, you miss your ex. Try doing things to get your mind off anyone for now. You'll get through it.
  10. bellamcb
    This is a nightmare come true for anyone. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I agree with previous posts that you need to figure out if you can ever forgive him. My suspicion is you need some time and frankly, he needs to be kicked out of your life and be forced to have time without you. Unfortunately that's what makes most people realize what they have- they have to lose it first. The fact that he allowed her into your home, into your bed, must be so painful for you. I'm not sure how someone is to get beyond that but I'm certain it's been done before. But like others have said, he needs to own up to his actions and come clean. He needs to acknowledge what happened and ask for forgiveness. And most importantly, he needs to tell you in no uncertain terms that he is committed to the marriage and that he will do whatever it takes to make things right. I know this is hard. My husband cheated on me before we got married (years before) and it blew my mind. It took a long time for him to regain my trust. It's just mortifying- the whole experience. The shock and the shame and even the embarrassment which who knows why we get because we didn't do anything wrong. Remember though: you need to look after you. You are what matters here. Try not to worry about anything else besides what makes you feel better right now (aside from something hideous and harmful to someone else). Saving your marriage, while a major priority, should be secondary to saving yourself and making sure that you are okay. This may not seem possible but it's true. You need to empower yourself and do whatever you can to make sure your life is secure, healthy and happy. Keep us posted. SO SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS!
  11. bellamcb
    There was a TIME mag cover devoted to the subject of monogamy and whether or not mankind was meant to be monogomous. I think it was in 1995 or 1996. It was controverisal in it's time and I'm surprised there hasn't been more on the subject. I would be very interested in any new research. Regarding my change of sex drive, I can think of a few things. For example, he gained some weight. Not a lot and no it doesn't change my feelings for him but he is so attractive that it does impact how I look at him. I also feel like we got almost immediately stuck in a routine which I suppose is normal but honestly, boring. We have recently reinstituted "date-night" to avoid this problem. But you may be right. Perhaps men and women are wired differently. For women, our bodies are literally built to reproduce. Yes, we can have orgasms and enjoy sex, but if you think about the female body- uterus, ovaries, p tubes, breasts, etc., our bodies were created to have babies. This is NOT to say that women are ONLY meant to reproduce. It is just a physical reality of our anatomy. However, this doesn't mean that it's okay to be in a sex-less relationship and to feel the pressure you're under. I truly believe you have a valid issue and that you should bring it up with your wife with the same level of severity that you brought it up here. It's your marriage and you love her. And you have a six year old. You need to act now and do whatever it takes to save the marriage because we both know that an affair isn't going to solve the problem. You love her and you'll always be longing to get from her what you're not getting now, but which you know you can get because you've had it in the past. Good luck to you!
  12. bellamcb
    I agree with Love Her Like Crazy except that beyond the medication, a therapist, particularly at your age, can be really helpful. The combination is better than one alone. When I was at Cal for my undergrad, we read a considerable amount of research (i was a double major that included psych) that showed how the meds help in some aspects (chemical imbalance), while therapy helps in other areas (relationships, working through life long issues). Many claim that the goal of medication is to get the patient to a position where he/she can actually benefit from therapy. Very best of luck to you.
  13. bellamcb
    I have to say I think you're on to something re: monogomy not working. It's really tough to maintain an attraction to someone for years on end. I've only been married for 8 months and honestly, my sex drive has gone straight down hill. My husband is on his second marriage and now says the word "marriage" kills a woman's sex drive. I've thought through so many times what has changed. For me, some is physical and some is mental. But, I would never ever not have sex for longer than a week or two. One thing my girlfriends and I talk about is how for men, it seems like they have have sex to feel good whereas women have sex when they feel good. It may sound crazy but it makes sense to us. Another thing we've talked about is that the longer you go without sex with your spouse, the harder it is to do it. The opposite also holds true- when you're having regular sex you're more inclined to do it, i.e., more interested in doing it. In any case, 2 to 3 times a year for such a young woman seems very strange and unhealthy. Is there any possibility you guys could go to counseling with the goal of her going on her own? Something is going on there. I don't even think it's necessarily you or her attraction to you. I would guess that it's something going on with her and her alone. You should not feel "selfish" or anything else. "Anguish" would be more appropriate. I hope you don't have to resort to an affair and that you can pursue other options. You clearly love her very much. Assuming she loves you in the same way, I think you can persuade her to seek some help. It really isn't normal and I hate using judgement calls like "Normal." A healthy marriage includes sex. Since you're obviously at the end of your rope, you should try to be very candid with her about your needs and what you need her to do to try to solve the problem; make sure she knows you want to exhaust all options before you do something you both might regret. I hope everything works out for you. You sound terrific and loving.
  14. bellamcb
    It's great that you're thinking this way and know that you need to make changes. That's the most important step. The gym is a great place to meet friends and a summer class is a good idea too. Try reading at cafes and stuff or even just shopping. I'm sure you can meet people if you try. From experience, I know that having a spouse whose only interest is the relationship can be extremely irritating and smothering so do your best to get out there. good luck!
  15. bellamcb
    Re: the 'Friends' reference, Rachel ultimately forgave Ross.... And what if Rachel never found out? Would their relationship have been forever tainted because he had an obligation to tell her? Enough TV references...it's just such an easy example! You know, if you tell him, your guilt may be gone but he'll feel terrible. It could take such a long time before you patch things up (if you're even able to) and who wants to waste this time when you are apparently getting along and moving along? I disagree with the opinions that it was skanky or that he deserves to know. It wasn't the greatest move, evidenced by your guilt two years later, but it's life. It happens. Just don't do it again.
  16. bellamcb
    10. People who smoke.
  17. bellamcb
    Not really.....To me it's along the lines of "Gee, I frequent prostitutes." I'm not a fan of the behavior and it would bother me to the point of no return. You deserve so much better!!!
  18. bellamcb
    Doesn't it bother you that he placed an ad for something so sleazy? I'm not criticizing you at all. I just feel like that would gross me out whether he was my boyfriend or not.
  19. bellamcb
    Maybe he is trying to make you really, really want it before he does it. Like a seduction technique. If so, sounds like it's working!
  20. bellamcb
    I think one thing to think about when you're deciding whether or not to reply to her messages and whatnot is that she knows exactly what she is doing. She knows which buttons to push and she knows how to make you feel badly. She knows how to make you give her more attention. She knows all of that. People that tend towards obsessive behavior (towards others- not obsessive behavior in general) are most often aware of what they are doing and how it is affecting others. When the find someone who reacts and gives them the attention they are looking for, they lock on. The only way to make her stop, and eventually make her stop hurting, is to end all contact. I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do. Only you can answer that. Good luck. Oh- and no, not all women blame others etc., etc., Give me a break.
  21. bellamcb
    There were no serious damages or deaths in the quakes. Sorry- I think you need to consider alternative reasons about why he's not calling.
  22. bellamcb
    My now-husband cheated on me back when we had been together for about a year. I was devastated (and shocked because like everyone else, I NEVER would have expected it). I agree with Shorty though. Relationships can survive this. The real challenge comes in with the trust. I still, 5 years and a marriage later, periodically get suspicious. I'm not a jealous or suspicious person by nature and it bugs me that I can be like that. But it's the way it is. He is very good looking and I know women come on to him, sometimes even in front of me, but I have learned to trust him ( as long as I know where he is! ) I think that if he is truly remorseful it is possible that it was a mistake and it won't happen again. You seem to be doing all the right things: taking it slow, letting him and you deal with your feelings separately. For me, it took months before I was able to try again but I'm glad I did. We're now working on a family. Good luck.
  23. bellamcb
    She asked for advice and you guys are busily arguing over what constitutes abuse. Yes, the OP asked whether or not it's abuse, but that's not really the issue. If it is bothering you so much, do what you can to get out, or kick him out. It sounds like you might be sleeping together still (since you said, "IF" i don't) so you should consider whether or not he has mixed signals and thinks the relationship still has a chance. If he does, and it doesn't, make it CLEAR and maybe he'll stop pestering you.
  24. bellamcb
    What position are you in when you insert? I find it works easiest when I'm sitting on the toilet (not to gross anyone else out!). You have to relax your muscles and do it slowly. Also, try putting one in when you are having a "heavy" period.
  25. bellamcb
    Let it go. Your boyfriend should be the last person that calls you names like that. He needs to grow up.
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