alpal

I guess I do feel like a bit of a fool but I also know that I can be my own worst enemy too. If anything I just think I gave in a bit too soon. I have had this sort of thing happen to me quite a few times in the past and before now I adopted a no mercy attitude towards it and moved on. I guess this time I feel differently and think it is a relationship worth saving. I told him that I recented him for acting like everything was back to normal and his reaction was that he didn't want to forget about what had happened because he doesn't want it to happen again but didn't want to be miserable forever either. I also asked him if he trusted himself not to do it again and he said yes.. and this I believe. He was pretty distraught in the beginning and went to see a councellor. It is much harder for me as it is a huge leap of faith to begin to trust him again. But forgiveness is not something you do for someone else, it's something that you do for yourself isn't it? I think it is a huge risk I am taking but I guess I want to see if I can forgive and if I can't then I worry that I will hold all this bitterness inside forever and never be able to trust anyone. I guess time will tell but I also have to allow myself to be happy too. If the feelings never come back then I guess it has resolved itself. thanks for the posts its good to see another perspective.

I recently got back together with my b/f after our break up. we have been together for a year. (Our break up) : I had trouble trusting him and after a few weeks of mental torture because I knew something was wrong I eventually found out that he cheated on me on an overseas work trip. They kept in touch and I ashamedly read their emails to each other. It's crazy but I read these emails over and over dissecting every word to make sense of it all. Nobody ever suspected he would do something like this and I had many sleepless nights worrying about it all. When I first confronted him outright and he lied barefaced to me. Although much of this is now in the past and he was extremely cut up about losing me. We are now back together and at first it was great, like rediscovering each other but now he has relaxed right back into it and I sort of resent his casualness?? I don't think I have let go completely and sometimes have trouble with negative thoughts. It has really damaged my self esteem and made me doubt myself. I can't decide whether my negativity is because I have low self esteem right now or because I just don't trust his feelings for me anymore. I am doing the classic "what did she have that I can't give you?" scenario.. My parents said that most guys would have run a mile instead of face the music and try and work it out and that I should give him a chance. I really do love him but my heart has got lost somewhere and I hoping that the special feelings will come back. I don't understand why I keep torturing myself with thouhgts about this other woman all the time. We have talked about it and both realise its gonna take time to get back to happiness again. I think if it was anyone else I would have told them to take a ride but I do love him very much and know that he does care for me. My problem is getting rid of the thoughts that remind me of it all the time. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this and survived it? Could you offer me some practical advice on forgiveness? It's not like we are having a dreadful time it just feels like something is amiss. faithless....

Thanks for your posts, I am finding it easier as each day goes by. I still haven't made a decision to take him back but I guess if he is truly sorry for what he did he will wait as long as it takes. I do think I can forgive him but what I need to decide is whether or not this is what I want in the long term, things would have to be very different and I just need to accept that even if I try I might not regain those special feelings. Time will tell, Thanks heaps for the encouragement, Al

My boyfriend and i were together for just under a year in what I thought was a fantastic relationship but recently I found out that he cheated on me on an overseas work trip. The sad thing is I tried to find out by asking him direct questions but he lied to my face. I couldn't get rid of the gut feelings, they just wouldn't go away. My family and friends told me I was being ridiculous and nobody believed he would do that to me. The torture I put myself through sent me nuts and I started looking in his diary and personal belongings for clues. Eventually I hacked into his email and found exactly what I knew to be true and had to read about the whole romantic affair. I'm heartbroken but have amazed myself at how well I have handled the whole thing, it was a sense of relief that i wasn't going crazy after all. The trouble is HE is a complete mess, a broken man and I have never seen anyone so remorseful. He is pleading with me to give it another go and that he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him etc etc... Is it really possible that you don't realise what you have until it's gone? I am torn in two, how can you hate someone and love them at the same time? I just don't know what to do, he says he wants to change and has even been to see a counsellor. (it hasn't even been 2 weeks) I am staying away until things are crystal clear for me but is it possible for someone to change after a huge proverbial wake up call? Guys help me out, I'm not heartless but it's a huge risk for me to trust him again... Your thoughts and experiences much appreciated... Sleepless...

Here goes... I found a condom in my boyfriends pack after he returned from an overseas work trip.. (we don't use them) After torturing myself about it for a week I finally decided that I couldn't just couldn't forget about it and I confronted him.. He took it badly and was pissed off that I was going through his stuff but I came accross it when I decided to do his laundry. I asked him outright if he had ever slept with anyone since we had been together and he denied it. Do you think you can tell if someone is lying to you? He didn't have a good excuse for it being there only that he has heaps of crap and lives out of his bags and motels etc (due to his job) This is true and I don't think he's the type to mess around but I still have this nagging doubt... My mother thinks I am ruining a good relationship because i'm comparing him to all the other bad guys I've dated in the past. But is it possible that you could really love your partner of think that you could see a future with her but if a casual fling with someone you are never likely to see again presented itself would you turn it down? I know men view sex very differently to women. We have been together for nine months and its a great relationship with only a few pitfalls that are just the normal part of getting to know someone. my question is ....if you are still deciding on your girlfriend and your commitment to her ...is it ok in the early stages to be unfaithful or to put it another way play the field?? I'm very old fashioned like this and I don't share the love. I still have big trust issues of my own to deal with but fear that by showing my true feelings like this is actually going to have the reverse effect and he may be innocent now but next time he could think buggar it... she thinks i'm doing it anyway..? I felt like I'm in a catch 22 situation. I'm desperately trying to break the cycle and change my suspicious mind but its real hard when you've been let down so many times in the past. Help me out guys...I'm not recognising my own behaviour and have never been a jealous or possessive person in the past. Am i paranoid, he tells me I need to chill or should i be listening to my nagging doubts? tips on healthy relationships much appreciated!

I'm finding my long distance relationship hard. I'm totally in love with my boyfriend and would love to see him more often but it just isn't possible because of his work commitments. Every time i take him to the airport I get sad and wonder how much longer I can do this and ask myself if I really can handle a LDR. Does anyone have any advise because I really want to make it work...

Oh my love, I can see myself in everything you have said. My b/f travels overseas frequently and although I don't think he's the type to sleep around, I still doubt him and have the same wild imagination that gets a hold of me sometimes. It's totally crap because all you are doing is torturing yourself, there is absolutly no way that you can be with him all of the time so try to distract your thoughts and think of positive ones and the nice things that your partner has done to you. My lack of trust stems from a string of bad experiences in which i fully trusted my partners and they let me down. My partner now is possibly the nicest guy i've ever been out with and I fear because of my lack of faith and trust i'm ruining an otherwise great relationship.It's not his fault all the others were bad guys. The key problem lies with you and your insecurities. If you can work on them instead of torturing yourself with dark imaginings then you can and build a better trust of yourself and increase your self-esteem. It's bloody hard when you love someone so much that you fear you might lose them one day. but i think most guys would agree if he's been with you for six years there's a pretty good chance he loves you or he would have left you by now. Go easy on yourself babe..

There are few rare occasions where it might work.. but generally I reckon it's best left alone. I have one ex boyfriend with whom I'm still friends but he lives 12,000 miles away and we email maybe twice a year birthday's and xmas. The friendship usually gets unbalanced when either of you have a new partner. Honestly I think they are ex for a reason..

My heart goes out to you... I know just how you are feeling and I'm also in a long distance relationship only I get to see him a bit more often than you.. I think maybe you are jealous because the situation is out of your hands... but only jealous of the time he is spending with her and you think that it should be you.. I have similar feelings but they are usually when I am feeling down or a little insecure. I think he is behaving a little weird not answering your calls though.... maybe you need to turn the tables and have him wonder what your up to. I found that I was always around for my guy's phone calls and one week I deliberately didn't answer his calls and he got insecure then. It's silly to play games but maybe you should just be bold and ask him outright if there is anything to worry about. But be strong and never forget he is just as lucky to have you.. Take care Ax

I think I can see all sides, but I do tend to agree that there is no use for a condom to be there?? Isn't it almost admitting if the opportunity came up that you would be unfaithful... I have decided to see if I can forget about this and give him the benefit of the doubt. I know he will be angry that I don't trust him but its a fine line between trust and doubt. I also feel like if the relationship is a strong one then we should be able to talk about our insecurities without the fear that rocking the boat a little will send him packing.. There is no question that this is plaguing my thoughts and it might be obvious to him that something is wrong anyway.. thanks for the posts though, it goes a little way to sorting this out for and decided what to do about it.

I've been seeing my guy for around 9mths now. To begin with he lived in the same town as I but he works as a contractor and doesn't really have a home base. Recently he went overseas on a work trip and I hadn't seen him for about a month. The long distance relationship is pretty hard but i'm very independent and the time we get together is great. There are no major problems and sex is consistantly good. The problem is I met him shortly after a destructive relationship in which I was badly hurt and I guess in an ideal world I would have liked more time to myself to be in a better frame of mind for a new relationship. But I gave myself the benefit of the doubt and he seemed worth a shot. because of my insecurities and the nature of his work, I worry about him being unfaithful. It's not something that i'm proud of but I went through his rucksac on his return from his last trip and came accross a condom. We don't use them and I know that the bag was empty before he left so it's not been kicking around in there for ages. As much as I hate myself and I'm totally ashamed for snooping. I was overcome by a familiar bad feeling that something was wrong and went looking for clues. I got my fingers burnt and I'm in a real dilema now...do I fess up and admit to going through his stuff and confront him about this? or hope for the best that I'm worrying about nothing. Either way I think it's going to drive me nuts. Would be interested to know a guy's perspective as well as my fellow female friends....