tylercdurden2004

Is this the same guy?

I read the first part only. Dump her. You cannot trust her and she is not making a serious effort here.

Good thing you asked because just last night I was going over some stuff regarding my relationship with my ex. I was in a LDR for 3 years and because we spent time apart email was a big form of communication, so needless to say I have things in writing(emails from her). We dated and one year later broke up because she wasnt sure how she felt about another guy (a "friend"). 4 months later she emailed me wondering if we would ever get back together. During the 4 months we were in LC mode but still telling each other we loved each other. When she contacted me it was essentially "I am not doing as good as I say I am, I want to get back together at some point." I asked some questions during our "getting back together phase" and ignored some red flags as I can see now. We ended up getting back together and living together for 6 months before having to go our sperate ways again. Eventually she came to live with me and 2 months later we broke up. Why? At the time I realized over the two months that she hadnt changed. And that I was having to be the "pillar of strength" way too much in the relationship. She was doing nothing to better herself. Of course as most breakups go there was a degree of venting between us. Believe me I question myself a lot after the breakup, still do to some degree. Am I crazy? Was what I was feeling based on reality? Well over the last 5 months I have been reading things, on here and else where and as much as it hurts I know I made the right decision. I tried every approach with her etc etc etc. Now to last night. I decided to read over emails of hers I have saved. Emails sent over the course of 1-2 years the last sent 1 1/2 years ago. These are emails I havent read in years basically. I was so flabergasted by what I read. Red flag here, red flag there. Everything I was feeling and how I had acted really made sense. Basically I ended it for a few reasons: -She seemed to enjoy the attention of other men a little too much (of course I didnt want to be an ahole so I made excuses for her). In fact in our 3 years together she had 3 male "friends" share her bed with her. -She was doing nothing with her life. She seemed to be in a constant state of confusion. Never took initiative and at the age of 24 has never accomplished anything. Really nothing. -I seemed to be the one making all the real effort. Being strong and dealing with her constant insecurities. Anyways as I read through the emails last night I saw some amazing things. In one email she writes to me "I know I have a problem with needing attention from men." In yet another one she says "I hate that I am lazy and cant seem to accomplish anything." And lastly throughout the emails she keeps saying "thanks for talking with me, I feel so much better after I talk to you." So as much as 2 years ago she was aware of all these behaviours yet did nothing to change them. And thats fine its her life. What it comes down to is I should have walked away and kept walking. I took her back understanding that she would make the effort to change so that the same thing didnt happen again. But as you can see she is "lazy" so what was I thinking. Most people dont really change their behaviours unless they get seriously burnt, some people can change easier and some never do. Breaks ups happen for a reason and the behaviours that resulted in the break up will reoccur if the if the "incentive" of being with you is less than the "incentive" of being single. Never ever take someone back if they couldnt find something better(common break up reason). Love is not relative its absolute and you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be with YOU not because you are their best option at the time.

Yeah the clitty clit. You know. Also know as the lo' mang in da boat.

And to add. Make sure they are not trying to get back together because they are lonely, need a back up plan etc. If you start to get back together you need to be open but ask very very tough questions and pay attention to how they act. It failed once for a reason and you need to make sure this isnt going to go the same way. To be honest its rare. Its even rarer that two people get back together and stay together. Always keep in mind there are millions of girls and guys out there.

Yup. I love to try new things and I get bored easily with routine. I do however find I am able to chill out a lot have some excellent friends to keep me grounded. At the end of the day my friends will always be there.

To be fair if he REALLY wants to get back together then there is no problem NCing him. He might think you are avoiding him which you are but think about it if it was meant to be it will happen. The loss of you will over power his ego being bruised by contating you. Work on yourself.

So true. Cant beat a good party.

Sounds like to me you have got yourself into a routine, the both of you. I think its "normal" in that it happens to many couples however its not "normal" in that it is not the way it has to be or should be. Why not set some time aside for you too to be romantic. A getaway? A weekend where you just have each other? I think by what you have said that you are wanting some more romance and there is nothing wrong with that. You have a very valid point especially if he works, comes home, eats dinner, watches TV, and then goes to bed while maybe having sex with you. Romance is hard for guys to keep up because it often comes with expectations. Sit down and have talk with him or alternativley and preferably show him the way by indicating how much romance means to you and how it affects you postively.

Saying "I love you" means diddly if she doesnt show you she loves you.

I am a bit confused. I am a guy afterall but in reality if you are having a good time cuddling and knoodling why is it a problem to have sex? I mean I am assuming the aforementioned ativities get you excited so why is it you dont want to make love to him all the time? I can understand if its an innappropriate time of place then cuddling has to suffice. Are you maybe saying that you are concerned he only wants sex, that maybe he is not romantic enough in other areas of your relationship life?

Depends if you meet the girls and they are flirting with you. In this case it would seem that it is more than platonic at least on their part. As for telling your GF I dont think she really needs to hear about girls hitting on you.

Hey Stephen, Good to hear you are healing well. These are the days you have to remember and to always remember that bad days will happen and they are a part of life. Did you plug your phone back in?

Sadly some do.

Dude awesome. That is a post everyone should read.

Its irrelevant what she has. Its what you have that matters. She may have someone to talk to she may have someone to hold. But quite frankly I find this reason or measure of a relationship BS. To me what defines a relationship is how much someone grows with you. She may very well have a complete jerk on her hands. You dont know. She may resort to her old antics. You dont know. SHe may think she has something better only to find out in one years time that she doesnt. Eventually you will be all right you just have to trust that and try to not worry about whether she is better off. Patterns in life are sooooo important. You know this girls patterns. You know her behaviour is bad so what makes you think you would be better off with her, what makes you think he is better off with her? What makes you think she is better off? Theres a reason you didnt trust her. Find that reason and you will have your answer.

Is this how so many guys get lost!

Do you seriously think she has moved on? Just from your description of her patterns it sounds more likely that even if she ends up marrying this new beau that she will end up in the 50% that get divorced. remember to that 50%-50% applies to divorce rates not to happiness rates which means that some people married are in unhappy marriages. This is why its so important to take your time and go slow so that you know you are making the right decision. I know its hard its so hard to be single and have all teh what ifs. But I can say its much better than being with someone and having what ifs. Nothing anyone can tell you will make that pain go away but know this it will happen when it does not when you want it to. Your ex was clearly no good and most likely will be the same with her new beau. Its very difficult for most people to change and make changes. Often it takes a serious situation to start change. For others its much easier. Be glad its not you and he now has to deal with it. Try to enjoy your time as much as possible as its not infinite.

For me the key to happiness is continual learning. I have always loved learning ever since I can remember, heck I used to read encyclopedias before falling asleep. I find this helps me find peace of mind in sour situations mainly because I take the focus off what is happening to me and turn it in to how and what can I learn form it. It allows me to find a postive since learning is almost always a positive in fact for me it is always a positive. Its that silver lining.

What are the lemons you are talking about? For myself I have had an "eventful" last year and a half. Some loses, and a few near loses more than I would say most people get in such a short time. I am certain many people have similar experiences and some people have much worse. For some reason it has never really got me down. Could it be that you need something to stimulate growth in your life?

Its not that there is good in bad things. But that by there very definition you cant have one without the other. The words good and bad are subjective and what one person considers bad another considers good or any variation along the spectrum. Things arent always either good od bad. As for war. It is a necessity sometime. Groups have gained freedom through it other groups have eliminated threats to them by goign to war. Are these examples good or bad?

If you are fighting regularily then yes you need to figure out if its something that can be resolved in another manner. If it can then you need to decide if you are both willing to work at it. As far as crying goes there really isnt a lot of info you have given us as to what is being fought about and what you are discussing so its difficult to determine if its him being nasty or you being too sensitive. His responses could indicate him being nasty but at the same time it could be his frustation because when something is being discussed you take it too personally and shut down at the same time crying. There is a lot in the world to cry about however there is also alot in which some people will cry over which doesnt warrant it. For your own benefit it would be good to figure out why you cry. As others have seen yes it *generally* makes guys uncomfortable when GF cry. Guys *tend* to be more blunt and this can really come accross as being insensitive when its not at all. Yes crying can be seen and often is a form of manipulation, the victim role is a source of power for some people. It is for some reason OK to cry its one emotion that is *socially acceptable* while anger is not but little true dialogue exists as to the dyanmics invovled with emotions. Case in point, I have seen posters in some womens rooms that say: The Man Who Truly Loves You Will Never Make You Cry. I have always been amused and disturbed by this. Taken literally, what teh heck are guys supposed to do? Never argue, always agree, make sure their behaviours are what the girl wants, all to ensure the girl NEVER cries because of them. Fine if we are talking about serious issues such as cheating, abuse etc. But this idea(of the poster) is not OK for the majority of situations. Just like extreme displays of anger are unacceptable so are extreme displays of sadness, depending of the situations of course. The dynamic could be his exteme display of an emotion that is seen as more male (anger) and your display of an emotion that is seen as more female (crying). its creating an emotionally charged situation.

Oh man I wish I was in your shoes! My ex did the opposite and came back here! But luckily I am on my way out of town.

Yes Vancouver is much more hip and not so in the 1800's.

A cool Idea which I always thought I would get for a girl is a Claddagh Ring. Claddagh is now a section of Galway city in Ireland but used to be its own fishing village, I lived there for a while and always thought the idea behind it is really cool and represents what an engagement is all about. They are slick looking too. link removed