The Morrigan

1) find out if he has a gf - if you don't want to seem horribly obvious, when you get a chance to talk to him, casually bring up "so you take your girl to see (insert name of current movie)? Think it was any good?" Any interested male is going to make a point of saying they don't have a gf if he's looking at you in an interested manner, and doesn't have one. 2) if he doesn't have a gf - see how he reacts if you flirt a little with him, or if you get to talking - suggest you go somewhere for coffee to continue the convo, ie "hey, instead of standing here talking, got time to grab a quick drink and we can sit down a bit?" Depending on the guy, if you wait til he comes up with it - you could have a LONG wait. And there's no harm in asking him for a casual drink, it's something he can take as friendly if he wishes. 3) the age gap really depends on how he sees you, and to an extent, the groups and "worlds" you're moving in. It seems to be a bigger issue when one is out in the working world in his or her own place, and another is still in school and living with parents, than after it's between two people with relatively adult responsibilities. If you're in university, for example, it's a smaller issue than if you're still in reg school mentally for most guys. For some age isn't an issue at all, for others, they may not be comfy. Find out if he has a gf first though, and take it from there, no sense worrying about your age if he's taken!

Yeah, for a relationship, it would be things like, being sure you're less attractive to your bf, taking less care of yourself and getting snappy and/or emotionally clingy or pushing him away because of your feelings - and thus MAKING yourself exactly what you feared. Emotions are powerful things - fear or dread of something happening can make us act in ways that anticipates the disaster and actually precipitates it, instead of avoiding it. Try and take a step BACK from the situation and take a calm and logical look - and see what can have other explanations before letting your fears own you.

Definitely talk to him, if you've already told him you love him, I'd just tell him that, and that you really want things to go well between you, and at the pace things are moving, it's a little fast to keep your feet under you, and don't want to panic and do something stupid that would ruin the relationship, so let's slow down the pace just a bit to avoid that. He'll probably still need some assurance if he's the insecure type - but at least it's a bit clearer it's not him you're running away from, you just need to adjust to all the feelings coming at you in such a hurry. If that makes sense!

Hey... I'm going to toss you a link - not because the entire thing is relevent, but the dealing with conflict to come out to a resolution without ending up arguing and having to make ultimatums might help you a bit. After all, most people, human nature, if there's "sides" to an argument, they just get MORE stubbornly insistent to digging in their heels and sticking to their position rather than admit maybe they should consider yours. link removed There's a lot of general advice as far as conflict resolution that might help there. Take care, and hope things work out for you!

All women are different. SHE is your best guide. Ask her if she's able to bring herself to orgasm when she masturbates. Have her show you what she does, either show you, or guide your hands in the motions that feel "right" to her. If she uses a toy, or lube, ask her if she'd let you use the same on her. Nobody can give you "certain" advice, like a guide, just because what works for one woman may do nothing for another. Some things are mentally arousing as well - the more she's anticipating it, the more her body is going to be ready to be aroused. Talk to her, ask her what kind of things make her look forward to the time you spend - is she the type that likes you to tell her what you'd like to do when you get home - and she has to wait til dinner's over, or does she like the romance more?

If your stamina is down, you can always talk to her about spicing things up a bit with some light roleplaying, toys, read some erotica to her or her to you, whatever might add a dash of "something new" and less focus on just intercourse. Use the time you're not actually having sex to build the anticpation for it, arouse her mind and imagination and the rest will seem newer and more exciting!

avman is correct - though as far as the house, if you owned it prior to your marriage, it should still be solely yours, and the same for any inheritences or things of that nature. Things bought while you guys were married will be split 50-50 in most states as community or marital property. Just make sure anything you had as a major asset before you got married, dig out the paperwork that demonstrates it clearly so it doesn't become an issue. I'd probably take the "obvious" things, like last 3 months of bank account statements, pay stubs, anything along that line you can think of - if you take too much, no biggie! and any questions that pop in your head during the day, write 'em down - if I don't I know I forget, even when I'm sure I won't!

Can he change? If he sincerely wants to and goes into counseling with an open mind, then yes, he can. How much he really wants to change will probably be the telling factor in his success. As to regrets though - never regret an effort honestly made when the outcome isn't what you hoped for - at least you won't have to look back and regret not trying, and wonder if it could've made the difference. Either way - you win something, at the least, confidence in yourself for giving it your best.

avman is right - trying to come accross like you're pushing the issue will push him away. Now that you're thinking a bit more clearly, think about anything that he said that attracted him to you in the very beginning of your relationship. How did you act towards him initially? What were the personality things he found made you stand out as someone he wanted to date? Remind yourself that except for learning from the trouble you had - you're still that person. Let him see you THAT way, instead of the way he's seen you recently. Showing someone you've learned, grown, and changed, but still have those qualities, is much more effective than any words you can use. Don't try to aim for him feeling badly - guilty bad feelings associated with you will make him less comfortable about being around you, and you want desire, not pity. If you feel you have to talk to him about yout feelings, make very sure it's not going to come accross as pleading with him, or putting him in a position he feels he's having to choose anything at all. Ever do something you're not certain you should've? Then you know how being pressed to admit it makes you even MORE determined to prove you were right, instead of really think and consider. This isn't a "perfectly appropriate" link since it's about divorce stopping, but it should give you a deeper explanation of why trying to talk can have the opposite effect you're hoping for. link removed Read through it, and see if it helps you understand why he may have acted in some of the ways he has, and see what you can gain from that. Good Luck!

Could be partly your head controlling your body if you're scared, but how long has it been? If you're on meds that could be a problem, find out, since the first trimester is the worst in general as far as any harm coming from things like that, and you'll know for certain then.

Ever have to choose between two REALLY yummy desserts, like Chocolate Sin, and Heavenly Cheesecake, and when you're SURE you've chosen the one you want - the other one on your buddy's plate takes on a new "oh man, wish I'd picked THAT one!" appeal? That's part of it - now that she sees you on someone else's menu and feels she's made her choice - all of a sudden the choice on HER plate doesn't look as good anymore. People tend to be acquisitive beings - just because we want one thing, sure doesn't mean we REALLY want to give up something else to get it! She might not have been sure she wanted you anymore - but oh boy she knows she doesn't like it when she sees someone else has you either! Pride, jealousy, possessiveness, self esteem; they all take a part in it. Just because she was dating someone else doesn't mean she was ready for the reality of YOU moving on - while it was something you had to deal with as part of the breakup, she's only now seeing that it's something SHE has to deal with. And of course, her pride would LOVE to hear that this new gf doesn't compare to her, etc., whether she really wants you for herself, or can even figure out what she wants. At it's most basic - you're obviously being found attractive by someone new - and have taken on that whole "hot commodity that I tossed aside" gleam. She's seeing you in a different light than when she had you - and probably a much more attractive one. And probably wants to think that if she chose, you'd give her reason to think if she changed her mind, you find her just as attractive, and would dispense with the new girl in favor of her. She's having a rather unpleasant awakening from thinking the grass was greener. I don't think she's intentionally dragging your emotions out as much as her own, rubbing salt in the sting of her new thoughts concerning you. If you're happy with your new gf, do your best to concentrate on that, and not let her drag you through her belated emotional turmoil - you've been through this once already, and you really don't need to get put through it again.

I don't know if it'll help or not - but take a look through here link removed on what people had to say on improving self-esteem... And on another front - think about if you have esteem in other situations, and what makes it hard to feel secure with him - and see what you can do about working on it. If there's been other situations you've been in where you lacked confidence, how did you tackle those? If all else fails - consider talking to a counselor or therapist who can keep giving you an outside view on your feelings before they run away with you and get you in trouble! Best of luck!

Ok - you say you love him, but you guys have sex, not make love, even though that's what you'd prefer? What are you seeing as the difference between the two, would have to be my first question. And has he told you he loves you, or you him, or you just know you do at the point, but haven't talked about it? I know, seems I have more questions than answers - but it would make the picture a little clearer to give you a good answer!

Come clean with your gf before she starts wondering about WHY you lied to her and thinks you might be less trustworthy. There's just no sense worrying and wondering about something she'll probably find out eventually, and it's MUCH better she hear it from you. If it hasn't come up yet, it'll probably clear the way for your friend and her to be better friends as well. And when you really need to worry about your gf and another guy is when there's a guy she's around a lot - and she AVOIDS mentioning him. If she's telling you - think about it, would you tell your gf all about another girl you worked with if you had a thing for her? Doubtful! She's being open about who with and where she spends her time - so make sure you treat that as the gift it is, you not having to wonder because she doesn't hesitate to tell you things, and don't let yourself get derailed by incipient jealousy!

A few possibilities here. If your friend was going to talk to him (and I'm figuring this is NOT something she's going to wait on long), I'd see what she has to say after she does. Right now you've only got 3 possible scenarios really. 1) He misunderstood something she said. 2) He is lying. 3) She is lying. There's no way to say if the options narrow to 2&3 without her talking to him first. If both of them hold their position after they talk, you have a problem - because it's her word against his. Then is when you'd have to sit down and think about if either of them would have any motive for doing so, if you'd consider their word trustworthy, etc, and take it from there. First though, let her talk to him and ask him what's going on, and see what they have to say after that. It would be a shame to start accusing one or other of them of lying if it turns out to be the first option! Take care.

Honey - regardless of whether she has any interest for this other guy (and it sounds to me like he's in your boots from a month or so ago!) she's the same person she was. If you feel like things seem familiar - they do! And honestly, do you really want to go down the same road you already went down once? You seem like a sane enough guy - so I doubt it! She seems to have an issue herself - she wants to be liked as more than a coworker - and yet, can't handle or doesn't quite want to be LIKED. And you guys are getting conflicting signals because of her conflict. She wants to be liked as a person, and yet, she's not completely comfortable with personal attention once she attracts it. So... smile, wave, be nice - and stay at arm's length and then some. Don't make the mistake of making HER issues into YOUR issues. Since she seems to have no idea herself of what she wants or what her comfort zone is - see the bright striped "danger" tape around her and act accordingly. What she sees as "friendly and cool" one day she may see as "too much" the next, and that's not something you need to deal with. From what you've said, I can almost see a trail of very confused guys in her wake - take yourself out of her path and settle for "casually friendly" where a smile or wave returned is fine - but initiate nothing. Especially at work, this isn't a minefield you want to try to navigate!

I'd also like to bet if you asked her to take the lead and show you by example what she finds a turn on kissing - she'd find THAT a turn on. Something a lot of young guys don't want to do so as to sound inexpienced - but generally, it comes accross as really wanting to explore things the way SHE likes it, and I have little doubt you'd be an excellent study!

He does have a small point - regular weed use DOES effect sperm count and motility (how fast it moves), and makes men a LITTLE less fertile. However, that doesn't mean infertile at all, especially in a young, otherwise healthy guy. They're talking about pretty prolonged and constant use to have any really noticeable effect on sperm. So as a method of birth control, especially in two young people who are at peak fertility - it's DEFINITELY not at all reliable to count on it having much effect. So be careful, and if this incident turns out ok - make SURE you discuss birth control with him, especially if his sensations are reduced, pulling out isn't going to be of much help!

Well, one thing to try is to go to legal aid - it's usually a section of the local social services office. They provide low cost (sliding scale) and no cost consultations and advice and legal counsel, and references to lawyers who work on scale. As far as this making her an unfit mother - I doubt they'll consider her unfit JUST for this, unfortunately for you. However, that by NO means means all is lost - you don't generally have to prove the mother unfit in most states anymore for the father to gain primary physical custody, only that you are the better choice for your daughter to live with. Be prepared to have taken into FULL consideration the time you'd be with her, daycare and school options, and care over summer vacation options, as opposed to her current situation. Basically it'll come down to them deciding which place they figure is better for her benefit, and they'll take everything possible into consideration - so see about hitting up legal aid and finding out exactly what you'll need to have lined up to go through with filing for custody, and take it from there.

I have a question for you - have you ever been able to sit down and tell him, or write down and show him, the communication problems you felt were problems, and how they made you feel, without being accusing or blaming either of you? Without an overwhelming amount of emotion that would completely obliterate the points you want him to see so badly? If you haven't - I'd say it's time for some simple honesty if he's expressing he doesn't want to be broken up or is having second thoughts about it. Since talking seems to bring out a lot of the emotional upset and conflict inside you - try writing down how you felt when different things occurred, without casting blame, like "when you'd call me days in a row, and then I wouldn't hear from you for a while, logically, I know you might have had things come up and not have wanted a 30 second "hi, wanted to tell you I was thinking of you but don't have time to talk!" convo, but I felt like I wasn't as important to you, and the feelings were what was making me act insecure." And then say clearly what would've made you feel better, and make it clear you'd have liked to be able to discuss it with him before things got to this point, ask him if what you've said strikes any chords in him, and ask him how the situation felt from HIS point of view. That should start the ball rolling on that communication thing that's so important. You might find once you've been able to really express what's bothered you, the weight of the emotion from it, the desperation to make him SEE what you were feeling, might ease a little too, and get you in a better position to discuss things calmly, which seems to have been a problem. Make it clear too that the "no contact" you initiated was to prevent things sliding farther and farther downhill until you guys could talk and come to a working agreement, not trying to alienate him, but get some thinking space, and basically ask him for his thoughts. Keep in mind, something like "You made me feel like CRAP!!!!" is GUARANTEED to get a defensive response that will pretty much get you nowhere except into another battle - whereas saying the same thing as "I know it's not always reasonable, but when I didn't hear from you for days, it really hurt my confidence in how you felt about me" is MUCH more likely to make him think about things from YOUR side, and you need him to. Hope this helps a bit! Best of luck!

It sounds like you're handling it as best you can - if her talking was as bland as her messages, it would just leave you more angry and hurt, the last thing you need - or get you into an argument or conversation about the relationship or her feelings, the OTHER last thing you need. It's not giving her her own medicine, it's giving her what she wanted - space. If she wants that to change, she can do a little soul searching first and let you know she's not just contacting you to make herself feel better by "being nice," which I'd imagine is the LAST thing you want from her right now. If she really misses you, and wants to hear from you - she can be a little more forthcoming about it before you take the risk of talking to her. You deserve to protect yourself here, and it sounds like you've got a good handle on that.

I know what you mean. You don't want to hurt your ex, and you'd like to stay friendly with him - but there comes a point you have to be a bit firm with him. Tell him plainly you'd like to maintain a friendly relationship with him, BUT he needs to respect the fact you're in another relationship in order to do that. If he can't stay respectful of that, he's not being very considerate of you at all, since this could cause MAJOR problems in most relationships, and it's a very good thing your bf trusts you as much as he does. So talk to him and be very firm as to your boundaries, and if he can't respect them, be prepared to tell him not to contact you unless he can. What he's doing isn't fair to you, and isn't fair to your bf, and really, isn't healthy for your ex either. So don't let him make you feel badly about setting reasonable lines for any contact, ok?

I agree with bdub - odds are the root of it isn't sex per se. Having been in this position, the more emphasis gets placed on sex, the worse it gets. And the guilt at not wanting to/not being in the mood because of a bunch of little things that erode away at the feelings that make you want to have sex add a nice dose of guilt to the mix - also not helpful to a nice sex life. Example, in my case, it was mostly the little things that did the most - and made an overall picture that what I wanted was secondary to what HE wanted. I'd get griped at for being on the computer - yet he'd play computer games for hours on his. I'd get flak if I changed the channel on the tv to something I wanted to watch even if he'd left the room for 1/2 hour - yet I'd go to the bathroom when I was watching something and come back to the channel I'd been watching having been changed. And I'd end up picking up behind both him and the kids - it was like a damn trail where everyone had been, empty pepsi bottles, wrappers in the kitchen, you name it. Candlelight and romance wasn't what I wanted, what I wanted and tried to explain would be more romantic was days here and there to cater to MY needs, to get a little energy back, and a little more esteem, so I'd feel more inclined to feel romantic. Believe me, when little things are getting on your nerves, the last thing you want at times is to feel like your butt hitting the mattress is time for a session of having to say "I'm really not feeling interested in sex" and having to try to explain it at that moment when it all sounds like petty reasons! Especially since it's gone down since you moved in, try and step back and look at any patterns you've fallen into, things you might take for granted she doesn't mind that could be seen as what she wants mattering less, or parts of your day where she might feel she's not getting the same consideration, or is taking the bulk of the responsibility, for something. Sometimes the MOST romantic gestures can be "hey, I know you usually do laundry on Saturday, why not just let me bring you breakfast in bed, read that novel you haven't had time for, and I'll take care of it? Come down when you're ready, take a break for yourself!" I know, doesn't fit with the candlelight and romance - but there's a world of care implied in noticing there's something you do routinely, that might be appreciated for someone else to do sometimes, knowing it's not taken for granted after all!

You could always send her here! But seriously, it sounds like the best HE'S willing to offer is a "long distance friends with benefits" which is plain silly. He's said he doesn't want a relationship, just basically a friendship where they could have a fling if and when they meet. This does NOT translate into her being his "one and only," and I sincerely DOUBT it will. Now, if she was maintaining contact because she was fine with that state of affairs, it would be one thing, but it seems she's hoping it'll lead to more. It's hard to get any kind of closure hanging on to someone when they're giving you what they wish to, but not what you need. Closure, real closure, comes from decisions and resolutions reached within oneself, not from someone else. It's going to take til she realizes she's responsible for her own closure, coming to terms with their basic mismatch of what they both want, and seeing she deserves better, for her to let go of the contact I suspect. Good luck getting her to see that somehow - but it's something she won't see until she's open to it and ready to start moving on.

If you absolutely MUST contact him, I'd keep it to the most calm/formal possible for now, and use email if that's possible. You won't be looking for tone of voice, facial expressions, background sounds, etc from an email - and it should give you the space and detachment to spell out what you need to without the tension of worrying about where a conversation might head to. Something like: "Dear Bill, Sorry to have to contact you, but I needed to forward some information to you about the car. (Insert information about the car). And when you have the chance, please see about getting the necessary paperwork from the phone company to transfer the bill into your name, or at least find out what will be involved with that. Please let me know your concerns and what you'd like to do about these things as soon as you can so we can avoid any problems and confusion! Thanks, appreciate it! Donna" You can't be tempted so easily into saying things you'd REALLY wish you hadn't later, and it's at a bit more of an emotional distance than talking directly. Just don't be tempted to carry on more corresponding than you really HAVE to - so sit down and think about if it's something you can sit on for a while - or something you really need an answer to, or need to get info to him right then. Best of luck to you!