Aurian

I have had only one relationship. I married him. He abused me. You can look around for the threads if you're interested (Journal and Long-distance). What I have learned: - If what someone says and what someone does, does not match up, don't believe their words. Believe your gut. - I do not cause someone to be angry. They can be angry, okay. But how they act when angry is not my problem. If they call me names or turn violent, then I do not have to respect their feelings because obviously they do not respect me. - I have learned not to be so forgiving. I was really forgiving and easy-going and I was taken advantage of. I learned that you can forgive a million small things, but instead of looking at each one individually and letting it go, I should consider where those things are adding up. Take a big brick (a big problem) or a bag of sand (lots of little problems). One grain of sand isn't much, but a whole bag really outweighs the brick! - If someone is blaming life a bit too much for their problems, run away. You will be the next target of blame for things going wrong because you're more convinent than "fate." - Look for patterns. Didn't like his parents because they were too clingy. Didn't like my parents because they were too clingy. Didn't like his ex's parents because they were too clingy. Um... no, HE was the problem. Didn't play well with others and all that. - Stand up for yourself. Decide what your boundaries are and do not let the other cross it repeatedly. One warning should be sufficient for the bigger boundaries. How have I been diminished? I have a lot of physical problems that can be traced to him and the abusive relationship. I had to rebuild my esteem from rock bottom. Some would say it is a good thing, but I have a lot less trust and faith in people than I used to have. I think that is a bit sad because I sometimes miss the impulsive, open, and sharing part of myself that died somewhere back there.

She might be feeling sorry, but that is no guarantee that she would change. You two have already broken up twice, so what would change if you tried again?

Hmm... toughie. My advice to you would differ depending on whether she wanted a relationship or a friend in this new guy. Maybe its best to think that he is just a friend, and drop hints that you might like something more? *pats your back* Sorry you're having a rough night. Emotions are hard sometimes!

Is that the only problem? Were things good otherwise? Then I would ask her if you could get into touch and try discuss things. It sounds like you may have been joking about sex or something and she took it seriously and felt pressured and like she was disappointing you. It can get quite stressful to feel pressured and not feel "good enough" for the other. Sounds like miscommunication here... she didn't know you were kidding and you didn't know she was feeling pressured. Try have a talk with her and try tell her that what you're saying here. That you would wait for her and didn't mean to make her uncomfortable. That you'd like to try again, and you promise to watch how you approach the subject. Worth a shot, no?

Well, you said its friends with benefits, eh? You're not dating or exclusive. Perhaps she wants to find a relationship. Are you feeling pissed because you think you want something more, or is it because you don't want to lose what you have now?

I am not really sure what you are asking for help with? Why did he ignore you? Should you try it again? Well, it really is hard to run into an ex, especially when the feelings are still a bit raw. (Heck, I had a little breakdown awhile back just seeing my ex's email address in some email chain!) Hang in there!

When in doubt, remember KISS. Keep it simple stupid. It would be more embarrassing to be with someone trying to do the robot on the dance floor or something than someone rocking to the beat

I have the same problem with male customer service people. I can never tell if its being friendly because its their job or an interest in me.

So if he doesn't make big hints, then I assume he's just friendly and not interested?

Wow, ha ha. After all those deleted posts, I'm a bit scared to post myself! A bit of criticism... I'd drop the bit about kids. Its okay to like them, but its a little creepy to say it in the personals - almost like you're looking for the kids, not the woman! I also wonder why you threw in the bit about liking tattoos and piercings if you have no strong preference for with or without. It almost sounds like you think its something to be a bit ashamed of. "Hey, if you have tattoos, its okay, I'll take you anyways!" (Heck, same with the kids) You can also punch up your little personal too and give it a bit more personality and energy. I am not hearing much of the person behind it... Apparently, online personals have a lot more guys than girls looking, so you gotta make yourself stand out a bit!

Okay, I think I'll try a weight lifting class to go with a cardiovascular class. I do like the feeling of more flexibility and such from the exercise classes, but they didn't really do the main goal (lose weight - zip, or meet guys - all girls). I might give the Atkins thing a shot for a short period to kinda jump-start things and give me a motivational boost. Signing up for weight lifting course for January! Trying to decide on a good secondary course though... Half-thinking a figure-skating one, that might be more fun than doing jumping jacks

I tried green tea pills and apple cider vinigar but saw no results. And let me tell you, trying to chug vinegar wasn't much fun! (brrrr!)

I asked my doctor about weight loss before. I got a pile of tests to see if I have any unlying conditions (no), and the only advice I got was to do more exercise. Thing is, I have not found a form of regular exercise I enjoy, so I feel like I am going through boredom/pain for no gain! It would be so motivating to see it DOING something! Instead, I am feeling frustrated and irritable. Just seems like if I saw some results, I would feel happier about the extra exercising (yawn) and the goodies I have cut and am missing. I am very tall and large-framed yes. I should also mention that half of my family tips the scales at 300 pounds plus, and I do NOT want to go there!

Diabetes run in both sides of my family, which is why I am worried about being a bit overweight. I think I do enough exercise - I walk at least an hour a day, take the stairs instead of the elevator at work, and do an aerobics course as well. Might be worth trying out that Special K diet for lunch or "mini-meals" while I am at work. Weightlifting might do the trick... I was thinking about doing that when the spring classes "open" in January. Would be good to burn more calories when I am doing "lazy" stuff like reading, gaming, doing art or sitting on my butt at work all day!

Yes, I know diets are not very good and it is better to eat healthy, but I would like to try a short-term diet to lose some weight. I already eat pretty healthy, and my weight stays the same all the time. I don't eat fast-food, don't eat cookies or ice cream or anything like that. My vices are Pepsi and the occasional chocolate. I have already tried switching to diet stuff for a month, but no weight loss and that diet stuff tastes cruddy anyways. I am very frustrated at this stable weight because I have given up so many treats and goodies in the effort to lose some weight. I used to love fast food, chips and cookies often (probably why I am up here However, it has been 6 months now and I am getting frustrated and just getting tempted very much to just go binge on all the stuff I am missing! Even taking up high-intensity exercise classes for 3 months didn't do anything to the scale either. So, I'd love to just drop 20 pounds quickly and then stay "stuck" at a better weight. I think if I lost a bit of weight, it would make me feel a bit better about staying put too. So... suggestions? I am a carb fiend - I crave bread, pasta and such, and have already switched to smaller portions and whole grains. My other problem is feeling hungry a lot.

People are always capable of change, but they have to want to do so. Trying to change someone never works if they want to remain as they are. Can you honestly say that your guy is interested in changing? It sounds like he is happy with the status quo in his life, and thereforeee wouldn't be changing anytime soon. It would be different if he sounded like he appreciates your values - security, a place to live, planning for the future - but he does not seem to. He prefers his own way of living - day-to-day, taking risks, and seeing to his ease. definitely a red flag if its easier for him to see you, yet he makes no move to do so much, be it vacations or living together!

I make a decent income, and I usually spend $50 per person I am close to. I can find thoughtful gifts (or make them!) for that cost and have both quality and quantity under that tree! I don't think spending more than that really promises a better gift. The thought counts more than the price tag!

They probably don't expect anything, but a sign of appreciation will probably really make their day!

I dont know if I would call it an addition, its more like being confortable with the devil you know and being scared to change things up. For the longest time I was miserable in my own relationship, yet I tried for a long time to fix things because "giving up" and leaving the relationship was such a scary idea. Being alone again, having my ideas for the future shattered and starting all over again with looking for someone in my life? But now that things are over, I am a lot happier. I am not so scared anymore at the idea of looking for a new relationship. I now know I have more defined boundaries in what I am willing to accept from my mate and I will leave any future relationship a lot sooner if my newfound boundaries get crossed more than once or twice! (Cross it once, shame on you. Cross it twice, shame on me. Cross it three times, out you go!) I felt very lonely in the beginning after I left him, but I am feeling a lot happier and better about myself these days. Hang in there!

Some people like being closer than others do. Even in a relationship, some people like a degree of independance and being separate and doing their own thing regularly. Other people like staying close to their others and touching base every day. Just a matter of how you're wired and you two are incompatible in this way. Personally I like attention and affection on a daily basis - I would feel slighted if I did not touch base in some way. Don't go too far though, being controlling isn't good either - leave the other the option of going out once in awhile! My ex had temper tantrums if I visited my parents when he wasn't around anyways!

They could just be teasing you because they like seeing an embarrassed reaction outta you. Just roll your eyes at them or whatever.

Totally agree. I have nothing to hide, but I would be pissed if someone decides to open my letters or hack my email account for no reason. If the snooper is being completely paranoid, that is also something that can break a relationship. Been there, done that, got the divorce.

It sounds like you two aren't really compatible. If I recall right, you two have been on-again and off-again for quite some time. I'm afraid breaking up is never easy. Just a few tips though... do it in person, not over the phone or email. It is harder for you in the short run, but easier in the long run because you know you have broken up in a better way and maybe made things easier for her as well with a more respectful breaking up. Don't blame the other person on and on. If she asks why, then say that you're not compatible and the relationship isn't really making you feel good. Don't try blame her or make it her fault. Once done, you should try avoid contact with her for awhile, especially given your history. You know that a relationship with her doesn't work, so try not to let yourself be tempted to try yet again. You can try be friends with her, but not right away. That's all I got. Good luck!

True, there are other sources of wealth, but I guess my point was that a few decades ago, women were generally not self-supporting (the other sources of wealth you pointed out, Batya, were given to the woman, not earned). We did not have equality or the opportunity to be so. Although we are not as equal as men as far as salary goes just yet, we are a farther along than what it used to be. I guess I think in the past, men were expected to be generous in order to show their dates that they had enough money to support a housewife staying at home and raising children. If a woman was asked to pay regularly, it would be an indication that he wouldn't be able to support her. Now, women have their own source of income, so I think the issue of who pays has changed greatly. Some are traditionalists. Others insist on going Dutch. Finally, there are the shades of grey in between. If a guy offered to pay, then I would be appreciative because it would be like a gift or a sign of generosity. However, I would not automatically expect him to pay. I don't think it is right for myself to do all the paying, nor to expect the guy to do all the paying. Somewhere loosely even feels right to me. Similarly, I have no problem with having someone hold the door open for me or help me carry stuff. It is called respect or courtesy. I wouldn't let a door slam in a guy's face either, and if he let me in the car first, I would unlock his door for him.

I am not looking for a sugar daddy, but I would ask a guy about his job as small talk. Why? Because that is what he does for much of his waking hours, and a big chunk of his life. What does he do all day? What parts does he like or dislike? Why did he choose that profession? I ask these things because I am curious about him and because I think talking about it shows me more about him as an individual. I would, in turn, have no problems talking about my own job. However, if someone comes out and asks me point-blank about my salary, then I would assume that he is more interested in being supported than knowing about myself. I don't care about his salary - just that he can support himself.