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caro33

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Everything posted by caro33

  1. caro33
    How old are you emit?
  2. caro33
    I think I read about that - is that a science-y movie?
  3. caro33
    A good attitude Ellie, and with that attitude I can't see how you can ever fail. Oh and I'm NOT brown-nosing!
  4. caro33
    I'm pretty sure evil people don't feel guilt and try and change for the better. Try not to be hard on yourself. The past is done. If the alone time can be used constructively for self-reflection and working toward being in a better headspace, then maybe you are just on your path right now. Things will improve, you'll start to put things in their right place. If the alone time is just reinforcing your sense of detachment or isolation from the world, then why don't you try seeing even more of your classmates, or get outside, start to participate more wherever you can. You just don't sound evil to me. You've made mistakes, but they're done. You can't take them back. No point punishing yourself. Just do whatever you can to move forward and believe good things about who you are now and who you can still become.
  5. caro33
    I think Batya has put this well, and thank you both for being so generous with my previous statements! K8tie, I have spent much of my life looking at the people who were 'nice' and thinking they were insincere schmoozers. I have felt alone and misunderstood. It took me ages to realise that I was not invisible, that rather than me projecting some bland or atttractive facade that others inexplicably avoided, I was actually a little black cloud, scowling in the corner. They knew I was there, they just didn't know what to do about me. I was actually edited out of video footage of a party I was at many years ago! Some people are atrocious brownnosers and I don't like it at all. But many others are just trying to get by, you know? They are dealing with their own internal crap and they're just trying to connect. Those are valuable social skills and I have started to realise that as I have aged. I fear I still have not overcome my own ego enough to stop scowling and just be nice for the sake of it all the time, but I am much improved .
  6. caro33
    I tend to agree with melrich. I don't believe in evil people, but hey, we all have different brain wiring to some degree, different chemistry and different coping mechanisms. You may well have the characteristics of a psychopath or sociopath. If thoughts are harming you or others and you want to change, I would think face-to-face discussions with a professional are what would be most useful.
  7. caro33
    Erin it's completely normal to feel like that, don't be hard on yourself. No one here will be hard on you for feeling hurt and a bit misplaced right now! But he doesn't sound like he's really worthy of you, and you can walk away right now knowing you gave it your all and you gave him many chances to prove himself. Has he ever been married or in a serious long term relationship before? I will hit you with a sexist generalism but I believe that once men get into their late 30s/early 40s, if they have not been able to commit to anyone before then it is highly unlikely they will be able to commit in the future. Your guy's behaviour sounds reminiscent of men my friends have dated who have turned out to be confirmed bachelors.
  8. caro33
    What makes me happy is having love, having friends, and soon to be (assuming all goes okay) my new family of my own. I (generally) believe I deserve these and I have tended to attract them...well, eventually . I do think that focussing on the achievement of goals and positive self-talk can help facilitate the good things, but there's nothing mystical about it. It's just about creating a more positive environment around you that people want to participate in. In a marketing sense it's about making opportunities . Certainly going out into the world saying you hate it, or dislike people, or the opposite sex etc is not likely to draw the people to you who are constructive or who can guide you to greater things. Like sticks with like.
  9. caro33
    I tend to agree with DN. This may hurt, and I'm sorry, but it's worth chalking up to experience and moving on. He really doesn't sound like he's in the right headspace to be with you.
  10. caro33
    I don't like that she is not being honest with you. To give her the benefit of the doubt, I assume she is maybe embarrased that she was disloyal to parents, and she's pretending it didn't happen. But even so, this tells you her priorities. As far as I can tell from this, it means that she puts her pride and loyalty to her parents over you. In my world, I might have been embarrassed, but I would have said to my fiance that that's how I felt, that maybe I overreacted etc. I would find a way to be honest with him and be clear that the first priority was finding a way through the issue rather than putting my head in the sand. The past DOES matter when it's still so recent, and when there has been no apology and no recognition of wrongdoing. At the very least this past has relevance to you because it is evidence of both your future in-laws and your future wife's means of coping with situations. It's not impossible but it's not going to be fun. If you are asking yourself this question seriously then you must take a break and re-evaluate the wedding plans. I don't think you can truly test them. People aren't so predictable or consistent, as you have found out. They might not even know themselves how they feel, let alone be able to reflect that to you. My advice is actually as it was before - I think that the parents are beside the point here, the issue is your connection with your fiancee. I strongly suggest you take a break together to deal with this and resolve some issues. One some level you can see this as business - you need to understand your contractual requirements here and you need to broker a deal that does not leave you worse off. Marriage is about sharing your lives together, your finances and hopes and dreams. It's about negotiating though the everyday stuff and being supportive to one another. You really sound like you need to reconnect with her and plan your future together, not the wedding. I keep harping on, but you need to be a TEAM. Stop talking about love and let's talk about respect and support. What would it take for you guys to be the team you need to be, and is achieving that possible in your eyes?
  11. caro33
    Just to clarify, I think you are unlikely to be able to heal better if you get more material, full stop. You may be able to heal faster if he says something awful, but then you get the pain of hearing it and you perhaps build doubts about yourself.
  12. caro33
    Well it depends if you honestly expect a response from him. I had thought from your earlier posts that you had tried to get something out of him and he wasn't engaging. If that's the case, I can't see a point in forcing this anymore. Do whatever you can to recognise it's over and move on. But if you have never asked him and you honestly believe there's a chance he'll tell you, you could try. I wouldn't though. I can't see anything good likely to come of it. Like I said above, you either get your feelings hurt or you get more confused about him. It's new material that you will need to process. If it blows into an argument you might also have a whole new problem at work and when out socialising. If I was you I would make a list of all the things he might say, then try them on for size, see how you feel. I think that if you are going to justify opening this up with him you need to have good odds that he'll say something that has you feeling: (a) good about yourself and about the effort you made in the past; (b) good about asking the question; and © willing and empowered to walk away and know it's over. To be honest, I'm not sure what he could say that could meet these criteria. What do you think?
  13. caro33
    When you've told him how you feel, how have you put it? Perhaps this is a communication issue first and foremost, where you need to find a way to express to him how you feel when you witness certain things, and you need to do this in as unaccusing a manner as possible so he doesn't get on the defensive. Maybe you see a counsellor together? Somehow you guys seem to need a tool for understanding one another and getting past the "your feelings aren't valid" stage. He needs to know that what you feel is just what you feel, and as a team it's not good for you to feel bad. As a team you then both commit to resolving the issue: him by doing what he can to empathise and curb behaviour that others and you take the wrong way, and you by having some faith perhaps, or recognising that his personality is a certain way.
  14. caro33
    Your feelings are always valid, in the sense that if you feel 'em, they're real and should be acknowledged. As anggrace said though, the issue is how you react to them. This can be more problematic. What is not clear to me is if this is a concern that is primarily about flirting or if it's a deeper worry about cheating. Flirting may well be what he does as an attractive man and as a sales rep. It would seem to be par for the course. What needs to happen is to have him understand how this affects you, and build some boundaries around the behaviour that you can both live with. If it's cheating, or potential cheating, that is the issue I guess I come back to my original questions starlight - what kind of man is he? Do you think he might cheat if he could get away with it?
  15. caro33
    Hmmm. Just thought I'd weigh in if you don't mind. And I had just typed all this out before I saw your response to the last post EG - I don't mean to argue with you . I actually agree to a large degree with Batya re trying/not trying. It's a principle, as I see it, of someone making sure they stand by their commitments. When they don't it shows that their priorities were not as they or we had perhaps assumed. For example, for a date with a guy I've just met (in my past), or with my husband now when it's a special occasion, I will be aware of all the things that might make me late and build them into my timeframe. I will have a buffer zone timewise, and will anticipate any issues. So I will be early really, or at least on time. When I am lazy or taking people from granted, my prioritising and planmaking kind of go by the wayside. I have to admit there have actually been times I have exercised magical thinking about the time it takes to get places when I am on ENA! So husband is waiting for me somewhere, and I'm like "oh, just after this post" and I choose to forget that it takes forever for the elevator, or that the walk is longer. We can all get selfish sometimes. So I don't think that people being a bit slack is a dropping offence, but for an big enough event, or when it occurs more than once or twice, the person who is not prioritising needs a kick up the proverbial. That seems to be what you gave him EG, good on you. And only you know if it got through or not - glad to see you think it did. But if there is any chance he thinks it's okay to take you for granted and something happens again, maybe you should up the ante. Disorganisation comes more naturally to some people than others, but it also is manageable I think if the disorganised person truly understands and values the consequences of their actions.
  16. caro33
    I actually disagree that it's too early to be scared. It may seem stupid or unwarranted, but hey, it's how you feel. It may well be because this feels like it counts. BTW when I said "decision" i meant your decision to just be there (with him). I also meant everything from the smallest to the largest matter about being there. For me, it was the decision to spend all weekend, and then later, to book a holiday together that he was keen on. I was really panicky about making plans in case it ended or I wanted to get out. It would be as simple as the decision to NOT go get a taxi straight away in the middle of the night and leave because I felt panicky. Just to give it some deep breaths and realise he's lovely and I'm overreacting. And sometimes it WAS the decision to get into a taxi and leave because my freakout was too great to put him through. Better to make an excuse and then go away and let it out when I was alone. I'm not sure there's an answer about how to get feelings under control except for: (a) trying to not ignore them; (b) rationalising around them "this one date tonight won't break me", "whatever happens I can handle it"; © giving yourself space and chances to escape so that you don't feel trapped; (d) positive self-talk that you were fine before you met him, you'll be fine if he's not around; and (e) make sure your actions are always fair to him as well as to you. I think that after a while you will probably feel better, but there's no point trying to control feelings right now other than to put some boundaries in place and trying to have a little faith from there.
  17. caro33
    I completely agree Dilly
  18. caro33
    Well I guess it's easier to trust someone who seems like you, whose opinions and approach resonate with your own. It's easier to like someone if they are your "people". People with no or little social skills have to overcome their inability to come accross as "same" to bond with others. When some people use their social skills to suck up and be fake to ingratiate themselves, yes, it's nauseating I think!
  19. caro33
    SheWolf don't worry too much, it's probably not a big deal and I would think is easily treatable or will go away by itself. I must admit this has made me feel like quite the gross person, as while I am no great lover of the public loo I have no problems sitting on the seat if it looks okay. And I have sat on a few. No problems ever. I think the biggest problem would realistically be contracting some cold virus on the door handles/taps on the way out and then touching your eyes/nose.
  20. caro33
    Agree with others above that it depends on the individual. To be honest, unless it was someone I was quite close to, or someone I had recently done a favour for, I would probably appear appreciative but inwardly be a bit cynical about their motivations. Particularly for the reason MissTee mentioned in that this is not miscellaneous present season - VDay tends to be reserved for lovers.
  21. caro33
    Agree with Dako, and I'm also interested to know how you got to be here, feeling like this. Has it come on recently? Did you have qualms before you married? What is at the root of your fears and upset youngwife? Some people do leave marriages within 12 months, look at all those celebrities! My own husband left his previous marriage just on the 12 month mark. People make mistakes, it's life. Not easy, but you are not actually trapped. And welcome to ENA, nice to have you around .
  22. caro33
    You will absolutely find it all again, and it will be even better, because there will not be the reasons to break up. As time goes by though, the physical matters a lot less. People change. Try not to put too much focus on the physical, particularly not to the detriment of the other necessary ingredients for a relationship. It's easy to think we will never be happy again after a breakup, and sometimes we don't want to think we will be, because admitting that somehow seems to detract from the importance of what we're experiencing. But I am here to say she was not the only "perfect" girl. You will probably have several perfect girls, maybe also in ways you cannot imagine right now.
  23. caro33
    I'm completely with finewhine here. Four years and trying for kids is a really big deal. Yes, the fact that someone sends money doesn't mean a deep and abiding romantic love. It could be guilt, it could be generosity. What makes the difference are the other circumstances. Muimui this is a significant ex we are talking about here, and it would be completely understandable if he has feelings for her that mean something. That's not to say he will go back to her, or that he loves you less, but in my opinion you need to try and hold a part of yourself back here until enough time has passed and everything has settled. They are still redefining their new relationship and it might take a while.
  24. caro33
    We never had a song either. No insult intended but I think that this is nothing to worry about. Or you can manufacture a song - say "I like this, we will play this at the wedding" . I did this. So we are both reminded of "us" when we hear some songs, but nothing characterises or typifies our relationship all on its own.
  25. caro33
    Yes, use the force Skywalker I think your mother has an agenda here, and it's your challenge to withstand it and find your own way. An anti-dating book, I'm intrigued. How does it propose people meet and find love? (Does it involve parents choosing I wonder?)
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