caro33

Massively sore boobs, cramping. Exactly the same as when I get my period but the cramping was more frequent. A dull ache in my side.

Well if he chooses to offer consolation for longer than the minimum necessary to show some compassion, he might be misplacing his priorities. If she hurt him or left him in the lurch when he had cancer you might even mention that if things get difficult. But be careful - you don't want to look like you are kicking him or her when they're down. If he's open to some perspective though, and there's an opportunity to say it nicely.... But hey, we're not there yet are we? He may come back to you any minute and say what a horrible pill she is but he felt obligated, and not to worry. Was he close to the brother? Are you guys even in the US?

Oh dear (to her wishing you were dead). How do things get like this? How is it that your boyfriend has allowed you to be subjected to this, and what is it that you have done to her? Yuck all round. If he feels he owes her, you may be fighting a losing battle here. I guess I can only suggest again what I said a minute ago - tell him it's his choice, but he needs to understand the consequences of his choices on you and your relationship. I do think that two years is long enough for her to have made some friends to lean on. It shouldn't be your guy 100%. But this sounds like a deep and complicated situation.

Was she supportive of him when he had cancer? If she was, then he might be feeling he needs to reciprocate.

Hmm. Assuming it's driving you nuts - I would ask him seriously if it was absolutely necessary. I would suggest she be closer to those other people you mentioned, and question the appropriateness of this. I would ask him what he thought of the precedent this made; that I would be uncomfortable if this bad situation somehow kicked off a whole new closeness between them, that I am not up for that. Overall I would say to him that I support whatever his decision is, but that he needs to understand that there are potential costs involved in our relationship if he gets too involved. It must be hard for him also, and I understand that, but that we need to work together to find a way to manage things.

Yes I agree glitternails. Kudos to you for being understanding and seeing clear of the affair to retain the marriage, but this situation is a bit ridiculous. When you say "client" - what role does he have with her? Except for my confusion about the "client" matter, I can see no reason on this earth that your husband needs to be the primary caregiver for what sounds like a selfish and damaged person. An interloper into your marriage. She has made her bed, she needs to lie in it. I would recommend as the others have said - refer her to the authorities.

Can certainly see why this is concerning for you and I'm sure I would feel the same way. Just because you have to act "like an adult" doesn't mean you feel unthreatened. I would think that acting in any way that look like you are spitting the dummy would be a bad move. Do not say things like your last sentence, you will regret it. I would play it cool if I was you. Keep yourself nice and do whatever you can to stay calm. Then when you next see him, quietly ask him how it went etc. You will get the story, you will then see how your guts feel about it. You can always spit the dummy then if you need to . Some things just aren't fair, like this situation is on you. But it's not fair on her either, and for what is a much "bigger" reality - she just lost her brother. Now you don't need to feel sorry for her or to like her, but recognise this is not about you, none of it. You may well find that the meeting between her and him was completely harmless - give him a chance to show you.

I'm with kellbell, the condom thing got me too. I also thought that embarrassment might have had something to do with his behaviour. I'm not sure he's a slimeball or is using you (although he might be), but even if we assume the best, let's look at his behaviour. You are being told how he handles conflict, or embarrassment. He withdraws. Now many of us do that, but if it drives you nuts pay attention now. It's early days though. I would like to tell you to move on just because this is getting messy early and the condom thing looks dodgy. But if you like him, maybe give him a chance to contact you again properly, and give him a chance to change your mind about him. But stay away for now, the ball is in his court and he's got a little ground to make up. Mixed metaphors but you know what I mean .

Asking several days ahead would be a good habit to get into, and it's polite. For example, asking on Monday for the following Saturday. People make plans. If you ask at the last minute it looks like you are flakey or that you're only asking because you had a last minute cancellation.

Completely agree bighair. I think that limiting the population excessively (only PhDs! Jeez!) without allowing for context and the person's other qualities can be really counterproductive if it's a multi-dimensional connection you're after. The real world, and real world experience, counts for a lot.

I don't have much to add to the already excellent advice here. I'm with Batya and bighair and tend to value tertiary education because it shows a certain drive and a value for learning and bettering oneself. However I don't limit that to just universities, I would include tech colleges and other institutions. It depends more on the type osf degree chosen. For me it would also not be a dealbreaker, but I would want to see a drive and a work ethic. BTW I almost didn't have a tertiary degree: I failed the first time b/c of immaturity and poorly chosen subjects. Several of the smartest and most driven people I know did not do anything after school, for various reasons. And who is to say they wouldn't try later anyway? At the risk of getting some people's backs up here, I just wanted to say that there are degrees and there are degrees. If judging on purely educational terms, I would rather date the person who did an apprenticeship and was an electrician than the person who went to some tinpot institution and obtained a diploma in "nail techology" (ie fingernail painting) or how to read tea leaves. Hmm. Why not just go out into the world and be productive. I would also caution against a desire to only pair up with post-grads. I think that a significant number of post-grad types can be wankers (can I say that here?). I have met some shockers with PhDs - self-important clueless elitists who have convinced themselves for some reason that they are smarter than everyone else. In fact I have met so many of these (maybe half the people in my department) that in dating I would actually discriminate against someone with a PhD unless I saw in them a capacity to embrace diversity and a recognition they weren't the bee's knees. Depends whether its arts or science/eng though. The people who irk me are generally arts (like me). MBA types can be a bit much too. Here endeth the rant .

1)How long have you been married? Four months. 2)What important things did you know about your mate before marriage? His outlook on life generally. His integrity, his values. He values fidelity, he values prioritising family and love and his values match mine (generally - we have an issue with plasma TVs ). He manages money and makes adult decisions. He has a good work ethic. He wants children. We share a sense of humour. He loves me very much and is committed to me. 3)What would you have liked to know about your mate before marriage, even though it probably would not have made any difference? If he'd been to prostitutes, if he'd taken loads of drugs, if he had major depressions, if he'd hurt people. Actually that stuff would have made a difference. I'd certainly want to understand why. 4)What qualities does your mate have that are important to you? See 2 above. 5)Did anyone make suggestions on how to fund the best mate before you were married? I assume you mean "find" not "fund" but it may still be relevant for some people. Not really. Or rather, the suggestions never seemed to help. 6)What were those suggestions? The biggest one is "get out there". That's it. Oh so true, but not really a plan for action. But there is no plan for how to find the perfect one as far as I'm concerned; it's a crapshoot. I tend to think you'll find one eventually, just not when you think you need it most. 6)What were you looking for in a mate? Did you have any clear idea what you wanted in a mate that you would spend the rest of your life with? It really comes down to nbr 2 above. But the following things made it easy to recognise he was my mate. After dating guys who got queasy if I was too intense or not girly enough it was a pleasure to find: he's funny, he's non PC and he's fine with me swearing and being myself. He notices the same things as me at the same time. When I try and gross him out he goes one better. He's cool with me cutting my own hair and not being too girly. He's affectionate and he's sexy. He loves women and he's feminist. He loves animals and he's a dog person. I could go on and on. 7)What advice would you give your children and grandchildren about finding the right mate? Don't compromise yourself too much. Never compromise on basic values around how they treat you, like reliablity and honesty. They know how to find you: if they don't call assume the worst and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea etc. But I fully expect that if I say this there will be rolling of teary eyes and "but mum/grandma you just don't understand!" 8 )What are the most important qualities the right mate has to have? Um, see above. 9)f you were 17 again, what would you look for in a lifetime partner? I hope I would not be looking for a lifetime partner at that age. I wouldn't have a clue who I was let alone how to judge someone else. Your frontal lobe doesn't even stop growing until you're in your early 20s. 10)Is there anything about your partner that you did not know before marriage that would have prevented you from marrying him or her had you known before? Are we assuming I know now and it's okay, or does this question relate to potential dealbreakers? There's nothing I have found out subsequent to marriage, but hey, it's early days. Hypothetical dealbreakers for me relate to lying mostly, and cheating. His ex was an issue - if I had found out he'd been with her or had lied to me about the chain of events in 2005 I would have run for the hills.

I think that's great bighair, and agree with Batya (again! )

I have to agree with Batya here. While I see that the competition thing is real, and that some people have real issues with competent women, I'm not sure it's necessarily the way life has to be all the time. In my own experience, I have to admit I generally get past the competition side of things reasonably quickly (or so I believe). It's probably because I am completely ignorant and unwilling and unable to bluff about it - I'm just honest. I don't tend to engage in academic debate at all. The guys who feel challenged tend to calm down once they realise I'm not actively seeking to outdo them or show them up. They buddy up to me. Or they arc up anyway and we keep our distance. They certainly don't patronise me. The other thing I do that seems to work is I ask lots of questions. I claim to know nothing then I nicely ask questions about how and why people believe the things they do, how things came to be etc. Once people realise they have to justify their crap around me they tend to stop posturing as much. They admit they don't really know and it actually forms a bond. Or they love to be asked and open themselves up. I have always found an easier bond with people based on shared experiences, feelings and questions than with shared knowledge. I'm not suggesting you dumb down, and I realise your environment might be different. It certainly sounds challenging to say the least. If the environment seems unable to be changed I guess my only advice is to stay well out of your industry when dating (as you seem to have done in your past). There also seems to be a contradiction in what you say NeedingSumHelp, in that those around you are threatened by you, and yet also treat you like a nurturer who needs their guidance. Is this latter behaviour because they are threatened by you and want to put you in your place? If it's not, I have to admit I don't possess the imagination to see how these behaviours can co-exist. I would have thought you would either come accross as a ballbreaking career woman who scares them into keeping their distance, or a soft nurturer that they protect but do not fear. Perhaps I am being far too simplistic though...

Yeah, 20 Oct for me. Early days!

I also had another thought, please indulge me. I have found with my own credentials (PhD) that the people most impressed are the people who are in my industry, fancy themselves as smart, and might have pursued a PhD themselves but for some random circumstance. I have been "tested" by these people, with them keen to show I'm not so smart and that they "could have done that". It's competitive. It is ONLY these people who have much in common with me academically/industry-wise who are like this. To be sexist (again) I also find it's men who do this, not women. No one else really cares about my work or my credentials. Many of the people I am friends with just don't value that stuff and certainly (and justifiably) do not see me as some smarty-pants because I have a PhD. (It's not like there aren't lots of inadequate PhD folk out there - in my mind all it shows is a commitment to one topic My point is that if you are looking to intimidate someone you can't really beat the combination you have here of: (a) younger (b) man © who is in the same field as you and has the same background as you. If it's a relationship you want I can see that you might need to be more upfront. Maybe he's even expecting it of you?

I agree with what the others have said, but I also wanted to add something to Ellie's point about your issue being more about this one guy. 24 is young, particularly for a man. Chances are that at 28 you would seem much older to him. You may well be intimidating to many man, but as the others have said, that should not act as a contraceptive to those men who are better suited to you. You've done alright so far! But your impressive credentials etc PLUS the age gap may well make a difference to this particular guy. He sounds nervous with you and it may well be because he feels a little unsure of himself with an older woman.

Yes "thanks" even though inoffensive and noncommital, still potentially puts the ball back in his court. No response at all means the ball is in your court, and fair enough if you choose not to play it. It's actually kind of liberating to not respond to this stuff and know it's not because you're playing a game or anything - just time to move on. Good for you boston and hang in there .

Yes I had cramps early on. Now when I stretch sometimes I get a searing pain in my abdomen that I believe is round ligament pain. Another interesting thing: I also read about not putting too much stress on your wrists and ankles during exercise as the relaxin that's floating around can mean you cause damage you previously wouldn't have had. So no standing on one foot. Bloody hell. I honestly had no idea about this pregnancy stuff. Good on all of you who've been through it or are going through it. No one has seen as whingey (sp?) a preggo as I am going to be .

Short answer - yes it's a cause for concern if you are concerned. There's a book by Shirley Glass call Not Just Friends - I recommend you pop into a bookstore and have a look. The things about emotional affairs is that they replace the SO with a new person as the priority for emotional intimacy. It is certainly a threat, and in some cases (many?) can progress to physical intimacy. I think that you have every right to calmly advise what makes you uncomfortable. Make no accusations, but tell them how you feel and how their behaviour is affecting you. Be clear what it would take to resolve the situation and also be willing to compromise if that seems fair. There is a need for a couple to establish boundaries in a relationship, then protect those boundaries against interlopers. You need to be a team. Emotional intimacy with others can be a problem, specifically where the primary relationship is jeopardised.

So recently, your poor thing. How are you holding up?

I am continually amazed by the range of weird and wonderful things that happen to pregnant women because of the hormones etc. I am in my first trimester and have recently become acquainted with morning sickness, yeuch. Other recent joys have been: bawling my eyes out after sex, endless breathlessness and insane itching all over my arms and neck. I keep scratching, to find it shifts. It's like I've been bitten everywhere. Apparently hormones do this too! What are some of the other joys of early pregnancy that people here have experienced?

Hey there bighair, glad you met someone who seems nice. I would definitely not text again. He knows how to contact you, if you go a third contact now I can't see what good would come of it. It might make you feel momentarily better but what if he doesn't respond to that one either? You cannot solicit contact here, and if you even have to, is that what's really right for you? I know it's tough and it's disappointing, but this guy is not yet prioritising you particularly highly, and you can't make him change. It's your challenge to keep going out, have some fun and dictract yourself and be your fabulous self with or without him. He may well call you but you have been given your first sign about where you stand at this stage.

I can't see any pictures - were they removed?

I'm with you Locke. Ouch. What's the bigger deal to you Cyberchick - smoothness or odour? I think if you shave right now that the odour issue will not change by having a Brazilian. If it's smoothness you're after, why not give it a try? I have a friend who will happily go for a Brazilian, but will not have her legs waxed because the pain for her is greater. Me, well I just wouldn't have a Brazilian if you paid me. But maybe my fear is overstated .