mcnani

alright lady00, let's keep it goign through the weekend!

so on the first date you're supposed to bring out the wallet? (the girl)...what if he lets you take out your wallet and bring out some cash.. that would suck. can you say "do you want me to help with that"... or does "can i help with that" sound better? i haven't had it happen to me yet (where a guy asked me to pay) but i want to be prepared....

yup, so devast is confirming what i thought...dumpers don't have to think about it (most of the time)...perhaps except the dumpers who were pretty emotionally invested (which is probably rarer)

p.s. devast, i agree with isidore, this could blow up in your face...make her angry and resentful... i think forcing contact on an ex who is trying to keep you out of their life wouldn't make them happy to talk to you... take your time, keep your distance and if she is ready to talk to you, wants to reconcile, it will actually mean something... if you're the one starting it, you won't know if she wants it or was coerced... and if she was just coerced, when she realizes she wasn't sure what she wanted, she'll leave... take time for yourself, just let yourself heal and know it won't happen right away, but u CAN move on from this girl. let her work this out on her own, a relationship can't work if one person is puttign all the effort into it (which would be you at this stage)

i think neither has to be "left behind", if both people are resolute about going on with their lives... whoever decides to get stuck in it is left behind, whoever has their ego hurt most, probably. i mean BEFORE, 4 months ago...yes, i was definitely left behind... just messed up. i think i'm still at the point where i'm starting to march to my own drummer (well i think right now i just started hearing the drummer).. so i'm trying to figure out where to go to get out of the rut that i had been in for the past 4 months. for me, where i am now: my ex is just a stain on my heart that's not that big a deal, but its there, and i know it. however i'm trying to just live my life and make it happy... where i WAS thinking about why he did this to me, wondering why he was already over me... now i've accepted it a lot more, and though i can't honestly say yet that i wish him happiness with a new partner (i'm working on not even thinking about that because when i do i still get a little agitated), i can say that i do wish him happiness, and i'm thankful for the things i learned from him because as much as they hurt before, they're not hurting me like that anymore, i'm ok now. how is it going for you?

i think it's hard to generalize who heals.. and in general i used to think that my ex (dumper) had just moved on, hadn't really hurt over it. however, since i started healing, i realized that i just really don't know-- and since i don't know it really doesn't matter. i suppose both heal in their own way, and look at it differently...for a dumpee healing may be self realization and working on themself (though I doubt that most dumpees do that) and getting over the person...and for a dumper healing probably just means getting over that person and getting on with their life the way they'd rather see it, and they are probably happy with just that (to them, no need for all the soul searching). i'm just making this up, i've never been a dumper... my statements are based on the behavior i observed of my ex and others ...and yeah... i agree. time does work.... but it doesn't do all the work.

you have this time to make a new start, distance yourself from the situation (and if you feel NC will help you, do that--it's helped me)... you don't want to keep re-introducing yourself to the fact that he has someone new or he's moving on... you want to be doing the moving on yourself. keep up the NC as long as it helps you. i've noticed whenever i've broken NC, the longer time passed while i re-initiated NC, the less i felt bad about 1. breaking it and 2. the fact that my ex may have been seeing someone new... the more time/distance you have from it the easier it is to push it out of your mind when you think about it. stay strong and i know how you feel!

i would say yes, some girls get that way around thir boyfriend. i used to act a little sillier/cutesy when around a bf, but it's just because i felt more comfortalble and that i could be myself. however, since then i realized that it can be annoying (it annoyed me that i did it), so i've decided to keep it in check. but the real question is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you can't stand how she talks? if the answer is no, you are doing both of you a disservice by staying together... the fact that you are starting to find little things annoying about her may be leading to the fact that you might actually want to break up with her... i think you should weigh that option, you may not be compatible.

how wonderful, Caro (you and your husbands story), i hope that will be me someday... i think you pinpointed something (and i read that other thread you linked)... i'm really still grieving. i am grieving because the person that i knew him to be is no longer, and it's hard to piece together that that person is completely gone and replaced with someone who has no heart for me. it's like now i have to live as if he never existed...

how long had it been between when you brok up with your previous ex and when you met your husband, caro?

its amazing to me how you can be with someone for so long and then they act like an a** after its all said and done...but anyway good luck with the new guy and embarking on your new and happier life!

thanks for your responses... to answer your question MeandMyself, we had a final talk, but never really did i ever express how i felt about him b/c i was hurt and angry. i thought about writing a letter, but i will not send it because i can't go through being rejected by him again... i've made too much progress in my healing for that. and you're right Superior, he's not suffering for this, i am, so i'm the one who needs to be forgiven (by myself) maybe at that point i won't worry about him as much? my main thing is that i dont want to carry around negative energy, and thats what i get whenever i think about the things i went through after it was over. let's hope this time thing does the trick.

I'm still struggling with this one... what i want to do is let go, and move on--and i'm sure that part of it is completely forgiving my ex... has anyone been here, at the verge of forgiveness? how'd you get there? does forgiveness mean i have to condone his behavior, and if not, how do i forgive it as well as myself?

thats exactly what it was, she felt threatened... her reaction is her trying to stake her "claim" and the fact that she just still loves you...who broke up with who? people act weird after breakups...

i've been doing NC for a month and it's bringing back my perspective... it's like slowly but surely some of the advice people gave me is clicking... i.e. to see your relationship for what it really was.... as much as i TRIED to remember the negative aspects of my relationship with my x, i didn't believe in them. i've found that it really takes a while of telling yourself something till you actually can UNDERSTAND, b/c goodness knows I didn't get anything for the first few months after the break up, i just kept being sad. at this point in time i am REALLY and honestly seeing that the break up is for the better, so i've got my first foot out the door... i'm ready to run!