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caro33

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Everything posted by caro33

  1. caro33
    Do you orgasm by yourself? I have to admit I had the same issue as you when I had a partner - up until quite recently. But fine on my own.
  2. caro33
    I think that the trouble with having limited experience is that sometimes you just aren't able to seriously imagine yourself happy with anyone else. You end up mythologising the relationship to some degree. I was like this when my first main relationship ended - I was alone at 29 with a reasonably firm belief that I would never be happy again and never have another relationship. I don't know what to advise, except: it isn't true. The fear and negative emotion will pass when you have had enough time to move forward, and sometimes it passes much faster if you start to build intimacy with someone else. But the part that concerned me in your post wasn't that you aren't getting over the ex, but that your issues with intimacy might have had something to do with why it ended. If you seriously think you are sabotaging good relationships it worth getting to the heart of that. But if you are perhaps just blaming yourself for something that was not really your fault, you just have to take hold of your own thought patterns. There's no easy way except to manage your own self-talk. My husband had several relationships before me, and he tended to end things because they weren't going anywhere. He went to a counsellor after a two year relationship ended because he was afraid that he was a commitment phobe. The counsellor asked him some questions, then gave him the following advice "You are not afraid of commitment, you just haven't found the right woman yet". Two years later he found me and he was certainly not afraid of commitment then. So I think that sometimes it's about readyness - which only you can manage, and it's never a perfect science - but the rest of the time it's circumstance. It's who you are meeting and yours and her stage of life. Try to be good to yourself in the meantime Marco.
  3. caro33
    I might have missed this, but why did you ask?
  4. caro33
    As I have gotten older and more spoiled, with more stuff to own, I can look back and say that presents often don't mean as much as experiences. I would think it would mean much more to me, and to many people I know, to find that my loved one had gone to all sorts of effort organising something than to think they had just dropped some cash on something for me. As time passes and you have that thing they bought you, it becomes YOURS, not a shared experience. Like the watch my ex bought me - I forgot after a while where it came from. But a memory of an experience? That always remains attached to the person involved. I suggest that you have a think about something he really likes, maybe something he would never do for himself. Make some effort. What about learning some massage in secret, then surprising him with a special treat? I completely agree with the pampering. If you have any money, you might buy him tickets to something, or plan a day out somewhere, but paying for experiences these days can get expensive. I also agree that you might be best focussing on his birthday with your effort. For V Day, maybe a card with a hearfelt message, maybe some flowers. Some men like flowers too, why not be different? Tulips aren't too girly .
  5. caro33
    Okay, sorry to pry. Well I hope that it all works out for you guys. Just remember to be kind to yourself, and be kind to him. Enjoy it as much as you can, I think these can be the sweetest times .
  6. caro33
    Hi saucy, sorry you feel this way. Do you know why you won't let this one go? (And before you tell me it's because you guys get on so well, let's remember it doesn't work that way. You need him to be a bunch of things he has shown he is not.) So I guess what I am asking, is what do you think it is in yourself that means that you want this guy so badly? In my opinion your situation looks like you need to: - Recognise what it is in yourself that has brought you here, and make a solid plan to make new plans for yourself. - Recognise that you can't pick out the good bits of a relationship and wallpaper over the stuff that doesn't suit you. You do seem to have recognised this, mostly. - Recognise that there's a limit to your strength to manage this one for now, so you need a plan of action to turn to when you feel sad or weakened. Rely on process if you cannot rely on your emotions. So plan out what happens when he calls - decide now whether you pick up the phone, and what you say. It's not about him being a bad bloke, it's about you protecting yourself. You can even tell him this. - Be kind to yourself in the meantime and do not put yourself in jeopardy with anyone else. While I agree that sometimes the best way to get rid of memories of someone is to replace them with someone else, your past experience with that speaks otherwise. Make a promise to yourself about what you will and will not allow yourself to do with any new men. I suggest keeping any further relationships really light and intimacy-free until you feel more healed. You will see I have focussed on plans, promises and process. That may be just the way I think, perhaps there are other options. For me though, the only way to manage my fears and needs for bad relationships in my life has been through committing to change and making plans, in order for those processes to kick in and trump the bad stuff when it arises. After a while the need subsides and you feel stronger, but you must give it time. Keep strong, you sound like you are generally on the right track.
  7. caro33
    I see what you are saying, and I know you said he might not have known about it but I wanted to share my experience. My guy up and left after 10 years, and all he said was that I was a perfect girlfriend but he didn't feel like being in a relationship anymore. Now granted, it was probably not just an out of the blue thing, but he said he'd thought he'd wanted to leave for the previous two weeks only. He couldn't tell me why and he never did. Even the night it ended he had wanted to go out for dinner, see a movie and have sex etc. The conversation was raised by accident: I pushed him on it when his behaviour was odd about a simple question. Now he may have been unhappy with me all along but he never gave me any idea about it. We were meant to be planning our wedding. This stuff does happen, and it makes those of us it happens to extremely gun shy. Harley, he sounds like he loves you very much. It could turn into a when Harry Met Sally thing, or that could be romantic fantasy. Someone who appreciates you like that sounds worth holding onto in whatever form they'll offer their love. I suggest you maybe ask him again about giving it a shot, and then if he says 'no' move on romantically, but keep him as the best friend that he sounds like he is.
  8. caro33
    You're not ranting, it's fine. It's none of my business, but do you think him working in a pub is sustainable for you guys?
  9. caro33
    Yes, I agree with Locke. I always look, but looking is just like looking at the way they dress, their ways of speaking. It all adds to your evaluation of the person and where they are in life. It helps you to be able to pitch conversations.
  10. caro33
    So you don't think he has any lingering concerns about you controlling him? I guess I was wondering if your history together has had some effect. Maybe just keep doing what you are doing. Two months is special and can feel like a lifetime when you are in it, but for many people the big words can take a lot longer to come out. He might even be taking a little longer because of your history in the sense that he knows this time has to count - you guys can't just turn around in a month and break it off like you could perhaps if you were new to one another. I'd say he's probably considering the import of what making a commitment means to his life, to you, to your future etc. Try and keep enjoying yourself, and don't hold back too much. I think if he's got you that worked out he probably knows how you feel anyway. I'm not saying push him, but just keep acting as you feel and it's then up to him... Yes, relax, you are doing the right thing . If it was like this after a year I might question it, but two months is still early days.
  11. caro33
    Hi delusion, It does sound like you are having panic attacks of some sort, and I know that when I had them the anticipation of having another one was almost as bad as having one. It can be incapacitating - I would really suggest that you do whatever you can to see someone. Like I think I mentioned in my first post, external stress can really stuff up your brain chemistry - sometimes a mild anti-depressant can take the edge off. I don't want to look like I am advocating drugging yourself into stupidity here but try and see if there's something more you can do. It may be learning some more relaxation techniques, buying some "hippie valium" natural stuff (as my friend calls it) from a health food store, or seeing a doctor and having a short term prescription. Hang in there mate .
  12. caro33
    Hi there Eva How long have you been dating? You said you got back together last year - how many months does that make it now? Reading some of the posts on the "how long was it until you said it" (or whatever the thread was called) suggested 6 months or more was reasonable, but I have to say I wouldn't personally cope with that long a wait if my partner and I were very close. You do trust him then? Your words sound like you very much want to, but do you feel that you really can - is your need to hear "the words" in order for you to feel more secure? If you do trust him, then I agree, what you are doing is probably right, and have some faith. However, if you have any lingering doubts about his feelings I am more inclined to recommend caution - at least try to keep a little emotional distance until the time when you don't have any doubts. I know you are in love but being in love can be a very scary place if you don't know where you stand and you think there is some chance they don't feel the same way. I hope you don't mind me asking, but why did you guys break up last time? How long did you date and how were things after it ended?
  13. caro33
    I don't know anything about this topic but was reminded about something my husband mentioned recently about ADD/ADHD and vision problems. I'm sure others here have a much better idea about it, but I thought worth mentioning. The stats may well be hokum, but I googled this just now and got: "Studies show that approximately 20% of school-aged children suffer from eye teaming or focusing deficits which make remaining on task for long periods of time difficult. Like those with ADD, children with vision-based learning problems are highly distractible, have short attention spans, make careless errors, fail to complete assignments, and are often fidgety and off task. However, their inability to remain on task is caused by the discomfort of using their eyes for long periods of time at close ranges, not true deficits in attention. Unfortunately, parents and teachers are not trained to recognize the difference and these children are often misdiagnosed." link removed link removed link removed I also found some articles that say that ADD/ADHD can also be diagnosed by looking at the eye movements of the people involved. The study mentioned below was widely quoted in international newspapers at the time (early 2005). link removed
  14. caro33
    Yes I have cried a few times. Sometimes I haven't been sure why at all. Other times it's just felt like a huge release and my body has kind of merged the emotional stuff with the physical. It doesn't tend to last long, but when I have had a cry it's sometimes been a huge wail - not very sexy. Husband is not freaked out about it anymore, we crack jokes about it .
  15. caro33
    I have to go for now delusion, but just wanted to reiterate what Ellie said - we are here to provide support and an ear (well, you know what I mean) whenever you need it. Take care
  16. caro33
    I have naturopath friends who believe in it; however, I have also heard that there is no science behind it. It certainly is better for you to drink lots of water, eat veggies etc, so a "detox" that merely means a more healthy style of living can't be bad. I have also read that drinking warm lemon drinks in the morning can help cleanse your system. It's the forms of detox that have you starving, or just eating algae (or whatever) that are BS. The notion that you are chockablock full of toxins that are just hanging out in your liver etc. Cleansing your system is what your liver does. Here is some reading if you're interested link removed link removed link removed
  17. caro33
    If you are completely honest with yourself, is there anything you COULD do to help this family member? Does she have anyone else?
  18. caro33
    I don't mean to criticise rosie, and I do agree that there's no need to overthink things when you are having fun. But for me the danger is that I think women, when they are the older partner, are at some risk if they don't think about things seriously. I certainly know that with me, and with many of my female friends, we have started something because we were lonely and the guy was fun and liked us, then we have re-evaluated for whatever reason, then we have put our heads in the sand. I was the poster child for "I know this won't go anywhere, I'm just having fun" but under the surface was an evergrowing romantic ideal that maybe, somehow, it WOULD work. My sheer specialness would eventually get the guy to be "ready" like I wanted him to be. My wishful thinking in these areas was responsible for keeping me in a relationship 9 years too long, and for a year long casual thing with a younger guy that just ended up really hurting me. All I know is that you can stick with the "having fun for now" perspective, but over time you can lose sight of your goals and original needs, in tiny increments. It's too bad if you hit your late 30s/40s, want babies, and then you have lost 60%-90% of the fertility you had when 30. And what if the guy still isn't ready? Sorry to sound like the harbringer of doom, but I have become a strong believer in establishing your goals early with this type of thing, and sticking to them. I have heard of too many women who wanted children and missed out on them because they assumed things would be different...
  19. caro33
    I know it's not the answer, but can you get away? Stay with friends interstate or something for a little while?
  20. caro33
    Yes, I say no information. Ages of children maximum.
  21. caro33
    I think it varies for different people. And yeah, guys do it too. I think the reasons might be any of the following: - they say it to everyone as a parting gesture and don't really mean it, or give it (or you) much thought - they actively lied to get you to be nice and not make a fuss, eg they said it so that you did not call them (they wanted you to go away) - they meant it at the time but then changed their mind - maybe the ex came back, maybe they got nervous - they meant it at the time, then forgot or got too busy, and by the time they remembered the thought it best to let things slide because too much time had passed - they meant it at the time but circumstances overcame them, like amnesia, trapped on deserted islands, hospital stays I have to admit that when it happened to me I always hoped for the last option, but I think the reality was more along the lines of the first two!
  22. caro33
    I would not get too drunk, and try not to do this in a group. Be mellow and approach in a casual sense. Ask if they're having a good night, and maybe even comment on their clothing "I was admiring you from accross the bar, I really like that jacket you're wearing". Be comfortable and not too keen. Ask them questions and don't be afraid to crack jokes. If you get the brushoff do not take it personally. Do not be afraid of being brushed off. If you are, it might be because the woman has a partner, of just wants some alone time, of you might look like the ex. It probably has nothing whatsoever to do with you. If they brush you off keep it nice and just walk away. There will be another one to speak to, and another after that. if you remember to keep it cool and not worry you are more likely to give off vibes that women will find appealing.
  23. caro33
    I'm the same way, I studied psychology and criminology and ended up in utility regulation. Completely unrelated. Might be worth sticking with what you're in if you can see it will equip you with something you can use to switch careers later. The other option is to do more research - go talk to the people teaching court reporting and ask them to tell you more about it, to talk about the career opportunities. They might be able to give you some insight into what would suit you best. If I was you I think I woud do that before switching again. Good luck!
  24. caro33
    Eergh, sounds hard. Are you still studying somewhere though? There might be free or subsidised assistance on campus. Do whatever you can to hold your head high delusion, nothing anyone else has done should be able to reflect on you. I know it's not like that all the time in the real world, but you need to do whatever you can to stay strong. This will pass. Are there court cases or anything like that that are yet to be completed, or has it mostly passed and you guys are just dealing with the aftermath?
  25. caro33
    I guess I would prefer to understand a bit better the history of her friendship with this guy and the nature of the conversations you have had with her about him. You see, I can imagine that if she thought you came on strong about him to start with, and talked about meeting him man-to-man, she might now be putting her foot down about it. I can imagine feeling like this under certain circumstances. Do you think you might have behaved in a way that she could justify this at all? The alternative is that you have just been mellow and said "hey, maybe we can all see a movie sometime" and she's been clear that's never going to happen because you guys aren't going to meet. That would make me worried if I was you, and I personally would find that behaviour from her much harder to justify. What suggests to me that this situation might be more the former than the latter is that you said she didn't want you to meet because you will get jealous. Do you think there is any truth to that or is she just projecting onto you?
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