caro33

Age 18, never looked back. We didn't get on though.

I agree that this sounds like something you probably needn't worry about too much. The easiest way to re-train him though is to not call for a little while. But that smacks of gameplaying and if it doesn't feel right, don't do it. It sounds like he's trying to be sensitive to your life - I agree you could mention he can call you if you want, see how that goes first.

I am a flusher and I have to say that the only solution is to stay in dark places, and sometimes to keep myself cold. If stuff gets really bad you could try green make-up, but that's a bit serious and could backfire.... I was going to suggest a genetic pre-disposition too puff, sorry but maybe you are destined to just have this.

I think that it is possible to stay friends with an ex, heaps of people on this forum have managed it. I have to say though, that as far as I can tell, the only way to really have that relationship in a sense that is truly platonic is when enough time has passed that neither of you actually care very much about the need to be in touch. So perversely enough, it's only when you don't care so much that a friction-free relationship is possible. The problem is that when people stay friends immediately after a breakup, in many cases one person is not really "over" the intimacy shared etc, and is hankering for a return to old times. There are that many different styles of relationship out there though katypie; there is no reason why you and your ex-boyfriend can't find a way to renegotiate your relationship as a new deal. The issue then is when each of you pairs up with someone else you will also have the potential for jealousy from the new partner - but that's another thread .

So he said he didn't cheat on an actual girlfriend of his? Does he seem to regret any hurt he still may have caused? Does he seem to think cheating is bad the rest of the time? Like if you guys are watching a movie and someone cheats, does he seem to support the "do what you can get away with" mentality or the "that's bad" mentality?

That sounds really tough RayKay. I hope you and your family continue to share many laughs . Yes I think a sense of humour is such fundamental aspect of vitality - I cannot imagine loving someone without it. Batya - the funny thing is that this guy thought he was totally hot. He had a real swagger and a massive ego. His online profile would probably say he was going to be next Prime Minister of England (he believed this was true, not sure how) AND people would have to wear Depends (a nappy I presume?) because of his extraordinary intelligence and sense of humour. Yep, I was in it for the laughs

Please read the past posts and reconsider your language: 1) "I still feel I have a right to be there" - no one is questioning your right to state what you want, but I would watch this language about your absolute rights. I think it was Batya that best addressed this in the previous posts. I also gave you some alternate language. This is about how you feel, not about some God given 'right'. 2) "With this kind of stuff going on" - you don't actually know what kind of stuff is going on, you don't even know if he's going, and to which one. Please find out before you get too righteous. 3) "It just doesn't seem right" - this is your statement of values, and fair enough. I think that you thinking this isn't right and not what you want is your key message for him, where he then decides his next step. You then negotiate an outcome, which might include breaking up. 4) "I am hoping there won't be any problem" - I think there will be if you do not look to adjust your approach here, but that's just my opinion.

The mask of humour statement sounds very dramatic! I agree, a sense of humour is important, but not wackiness for the sake of wackiness. That can get really grating. But a shared wackiness that corresponds with a shared sense of timing can be invaluable. For me, the shared values, appreciation of chemistry etc is meaningless without the humour as well. In fact, there was an ex of mine who, when I first saw him, I thought "poor soul, he is deeply unattractive" but after we spent a lot of time together and shared many laughs I ended up thinking he was the sexiest man on the planet. Even with his copious back hair, his potato head and his little currant eyes, to me he was HOT .

Well some people do do this, but guys do it also. I would wager that men do it as least as frequently as women. Maybe the people who do this see themselves as "nice", but I agree with shikashika that the men and women who bemoan the fact that no one wants them because they are "nice" might actually be referring to other people's reaction to less bland and less notionally appealing characteristics.

How long ago was the botched proposal conversation Neworleanslady? How long were you engaged and how did he respond to you calling off the engagement - if I understand correctly you said yes initially then called it off because the fact the surprise was ruined stuck with you and you were upset?

No to what?

Sorry melrich, it's not. I got insecure and double checked before I posted. I tried desperately not to respond right now, but my innate smartypantsness came over me. Just don't ask me to say it out loud .

Are you worrying about something still happening or are you asking for views on whether you were fair with him or not? In my opinion you acted in a textbook fashion for what people should do if they find themselves in this situation. Good work, I think you did well. The fact that he shared information with her that he would not share with you is the beginning of what can be a slippery slope in these things; I think you were right to recognise the risks here and act as you did.

Oh shucks, thanks . Well I am sending out positive waves to you, hope it's all you want. BTW I don't think it's ever too early to get your head around what you're worth and do some market research - I reckon this is all about "prepare, prepare, prepare" because you'll use the same lines on the next employer, and the one after that. Oh, and my own job seeking experience is if you're going to stumble with nerves watch the hard words: when I am in interviews at the pointy end I try and get smartypants and say "remuneration" for some dumb reason. Ah, the coolness of "nerumneration, err renumeration, heh...mmmm...salary" . I'm sure you will not suffer this though

Sorry finewhine I'm really not stalking you, but I was cruising the forum and here you are I don't think there's a formula for this unfortunately. I was always told the following: 1) Never discuss price until the very end, when the actual offer is there. Don't negotiate with anyone but the company itself - don't get too sucked into hardcore discussions about salary with recruitment consultants or even the HR people from the firm. Go with the potential boss as much as possible - they know how to pick someone of value to them and what they'll pay. 2) Be prepared to quote your price if they ask. Only ever quote what you are looking for as a range, with the upper end something to reasonably aspire to and the lower end something you can live with and not hate yourself for accepting. 3) If they say something you don't like, use the "is that the best you can do". Why not add extras like "I believe I am worth more than you are suggesting" or "the market is currently paying more than this". But be prepared to put your money where your mouth is to back statements up. If there is a huge hike from your last job's price and the new people know it, be prepared to argue why you are worth more now, for this job. 4) If they still won't come to the party on a level that you would prefer within the range, then ask that there is a 6 month (or whatever) review, where if you perform in an acceptable fashion (note, not superhero but adequate) you get the raise. Plot a path for salary increase. 5) As part of all this, be clear on the other elements you can tweak to make a package look better to you, like hours, promotions, car, health care, cell phone bills paid, travel allowance, etc. Also be prepared to negotiate a lower base salary for a higher "at risk" component like a bonus. If you can get some sort of confidence that a fair chunk of bonus will be paid (ie 60%) on "fair and reasonable" performance, it might be worth it. But who knows what their appetite for paying a bonus will actually be when it comes down to it. 6) In all of this don't play games. Be honest at all times about what you will and will not accept. Be strong also, exude a confidence about your worth. You need to show them you know that your value is high for them to believe it. Even if you are nervous, be cool in your demeanor. That's the only bluff I would make - act like this is just one of several suitors and you are by no means desperate (but don't make stuff up you can't support). What I've stated above might be self-evident, sorry if it comes accross as patronising at all and you've got this stuff covered. If you find the formula feel free to let me know! And good luck!

A good point! I say blame the backpackers, it's what we do here .

I think it shows my age but I think of 27 as young . You have heaps of time. There are definitely women out there who want to get married and have children, even with you! Seriously, as the others have said, it's a matter of critically assessing the way you are coming accross and your choice of venue to meet people. If you are happy (enough) with yourself and you are putting yourself out there to some degree, you will meet someone who is right for you. The time factor is where the luck comes in. Might be tomorrow, might be next year etc. It will happen, so enjoy yourself in the meantime!

Oh come on Luke. There are rules of the house and there are rules of the house. Even as teenagers living under our parents' rooftops we tend to learn that the rules are things like: - You don't eat in front of the TV, you eat at the table. You will be home for dinner at 6pm and you will eat what's put in front of you. - You don't take girls back to your room. - You make sure your room is clean and all socks are off the floor. - You must be home by 8 pm on weekdays and 11pm on the weekends. These rules do not tend to include WHO you date when out of the house, or HOW you live your life in general. When parents start to overstep the mark on these issues, the teenagers realise it's time to move out, to do whatever is necessary to establish themselves so they may pursue their own lives. Two points to note: (1) "House rules" do not tend to mean you have to consider your mother as a your SO/girlfriend replacement (and let's not even go to the insinuation here). (2) The house rule examples above were for a teenager, not a 30 year old man. I would imagine a 30 year old man would have a great deal more leeway about his own needs and there would need to be a way for his needs to co-exist with his parents' rules for him to even be sharing a house anyway.

Many people are from the US, but not all. I, for instance, am from Australia. But I'm not sure you can generalise like this. English girls have their own reputation when in certain circumstances, as I'm sure Australians etc also do. I think people have already said this, but note that misbehaving seems to occur in booze fuelled situations BECAUSE the cameras are there. And Dako mentioned that the cameras will not be photographing boring stuff - they will also be drawn to the action. So what looks like behaviour that characterises the event in question might in fact be the one horny place that most people roll their eyes at. The photos may not in any way accurately reflect the environment that hope123's boyfriend puts himself in, even if the wild behaviour occurs at the same event. This needs to be cleared up by him. Hope it may be that you show him the photos and he laughs and hugs you and says it's not like that at all, and he thinks these girls are skanks, and that he just likes to talk bikes. Give him a chance to defuse this situation before you go in all guns blazing with having to attend to police him. Keep in mind that it might not be in your own interest to go - you may be bored beyond incomprehension, or maybe intimidated etc.

Hope, I am intrigued that this thread just keeps going! You have received some great advice from a number of people, and some real food for thought. You have also, I think, heard some comforting things about what to expect if your boyfriend does end up going alone. I can't help but wonder where your thinking has gone to this point - your posts portray you are going around in circles on the same issues. If we just take what looks to be your key question of "but aren't I justified in feeling this?" and for the sake of argument say "yes, you are", then what are you going to do? Will you at least start to manage your anxiety by finding out (a) if he plans on going anyway, and which one he's going to, and (b) what he thinks of the activities there and what are his impressions of the wilder behaviour? It's just my opinion but I would think that this is a good starting point for you and doesn't involve you having to have arguments or make decisions that involve breaking up. Please find out what you are dealing with here before deciding it's an extreme situation and you have to attend it to monitor him. No wonder you are confused, you are trying to choose between the extremes of (a) arguing and going, which is bad from a relationship perspective and (b) not discussing the rally or possibility of a rally at all, which must be very worrying to you. There ARE other, more mid-spectrum tactics to use here to manage your situation in smaller increments. (By the way, please assume the usual arguments made to you about knowing your values and trusting your man still apply. These are key aspects of managing your own behaviour that you cannot continue to ignore unless you want to keep coming back here anxious about future things.)

Yes, but I'm not sure of the reality. The industrial relations laws in my country have been changed recently, and I don't think I would have much protection. To be honest, if I was an employer I would not hire someone who was likely to leave me within the year and then maybe not come back, particularly given the cost of recruitment these days, and the specialised nature of what I do. I am not optimistic that quitting now is justified under anything but the most extraordinary circumstances. I do take your point though. I think that if it's a a matter of my mental health or a new job, the new job is the way to go. I guess I am trying to see what actions I can take to manage the mental health issues (boredom, frustration, depression) without leaving just yet. This might just be lazy excuse making on my part though

BeStrongBeHappy you are spot on about the values. My company is the very model of the sociopathic corporation, and the way the CEO runs it is to hire vicious shark people as his highest level employees, then step back and see how the Shark Wars turn out. There is regularly (figurative) blood on the floor from the latest casuality. This attitude has filtered down in several ways - currently the Head Shark from the rest of the business is trying to eat my area, but he has been kept at bay by a mix of circumstance (lots of merger and acquisition activity in the sector) and strategic allegiances already present. These bosses preside over a workforce (at least in my city - the attitudes vary over the country) of bitter and disillusioned people, and also a handful of Golden Boys who can do no wrong no matter how incompetent they are. There are a few frustrating Golden Boys around me, who take credit for my work, and also stuff everything up without meaning to by taking the role of communicating my ideas to others and then getting it wrong. This adds up to an organisation I cannot see myself settling into as a major player. It's very good at paying the rent/mortgage for now though. Believe me, I have also tried to change things around here. I spent about a year agitating for change and trying to get people around here to see what was happening. They didn't believe me and so they didn't care. Now they believe, but they still don't care. They are out looking for other jobs, even the main Golden Boy. (I have been told I am safe, by the way, but the most recent merger rumours might scotch that if they come true.) I honestly think my best thing to do is to use the free time I have here now to develop my chances to sell myself into the marketplace in some other way. Maybe it's through more academic work, maybe it's building my chances as a consultant. I would like to move out of my industry, but at the same time, that's my calling card when it comes down to it. People from around the country know me in this kind of role - starting in a different sector would be a struggle. I tried a couple of years ago, but the people I was with couldn't see the more general application of my skills. (I have to say they were monumental knuckleheads though, so it may be worth another try.) Anyway I am obviously not clear in my own mind. Aargh. I might go on a google frenzy re economic theories of everything. Maybe look at some MBA coursework, but not the whole MBA.

Hi all I was interested if any of you wise folk had any ideas about what I can do... I am currrently working in a job that is driving me mad. I work in policy and regulation in a highly regulated industry. It's my job to find ways through major policy issues that have been deigned "too hard" to resolve to date, and that governments have tended to manage through heavy-handed regulation. The issues I am involved with tap directly into my past life working in the same industry FOR government setting up the market and writing regulation, as well as this being the topic of my PhD. I also spent time in consulting doing this stuff. I have been working for this major corporate for 20 months or so, and I believe I have been able to find ways through the issues and to actually meet government's needs without the regulation we are accustomed to. Anyway, the problem for me has been that in reality no one wants these problems solved in my company or in my industry. They hired me to fix things, but when I come up with some solutions they don't want to know about it. This is an industry that comforts itself with hiring endless consultants to do desktop research, and then brandish that report as somehow being "progress" on the issues. So after 20 months of trying every form of communication known to man, I am at my wits end. If no one wants these problems solved, that's fine. But don't ask me to solve them. I have been patronised no end by clueless senior managers and I have had to grin and bear it. What makes this a particular struggle is that my area has been subject to pre-restructuring for a while, so we have little work to do. It's like an endless lockdown period - it's been a year now and the rest of the business sneers at us. I, and others, were Chicken Little to my bosses for a long time, but they were too dumb and too arrogant to listen. So now we wait for the blade to slide in to end our misery. It might well be a while yet though, there are other issues for the company at the moment. The sensible thing for my mental health would be to pick up tools and move, but I am trying to get pregnant, and moving from my job right now would not be smart. I am paid very well, and I might also get a redundancy payout. So to get to my question: I have decided that griping about my job and hanging out here at ENA as much as I have are unconstructive and have been helping me toward feeling quite depressed. I think I would like to work more on my basic strategic thinking skills and I am keen to find some way to continue the work I was doing with the PhD about the links between law, economics, politics and psychology. A kind of generalist theory of action and regulation, but linked back to more economic theories of self-interest. I have just read Freakonomics, and it had some similarities to my approach but mine is markedly less empirical and more specialised toward one area (regulation). I think this might possibly be the most boring post on ENA, sorry. I am keen for any advice those of you might have to get through my work day without punching someone, as well as any suggestions or references for me to have a look at to find a way to do something with my brain along the lines of what I described above. Strategic thinking, but more about human motivations than about leadership and management techniques. I also think it would be good for what I do to be kind of unregimented, so that there aren't too many contact hours to worry about, and it can be something I can work on while alone at home in the future, assuming I have a baby. Thanks for taking the time.

Yes, Luke. Most of us got to be independent as adults by having some crap jobs, getting by, and working up to where we are. For example, I spent years working in a call centre for an airline as a shift worker so I could pay rent and study during the day. I left home at 18. I am now on maybe as much as seven times the wage I was on then. People just do this stuff. By the way, in my last post I was pointing out that you allowing your mother to dictate your life is NOT an economic decision. Living under her roof is not the same thing as allowing her to determine who you go out with etc. It is not the same as calling her your SO.