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Batya33

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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. Batya33
  2. Batya33
    If the guy in question is anything like your friend it sounds like he is not available, emotionally, for a relationship. If he chooses to let the fears take priority over asking a woman out - even women who are aggressive, then how is he going to handle actually dating a woman and spending time with her? Those fears won't just poof disappear after a first date.
  3. Batya33
    It's easy from here on in - continue to be friendly and approachable but emotionally -keep yourself protected by having the mindset that unless and until he asks you out he is off your radar - there is nothing between you. Make sure you are distracted with friends, interests, activities and if it happens - other guys. If he is sincerely interested in a relationship he will ask you out on a proper date in advance. Could be he just likes the attention he gets from you, likes knowing he is desired but for whatever reason isn't interested in taking it any further - which is his perogative. However, if you find yourself getting attached from the flirting, now that he knows you like him, just spend less time around him so that if he wants more time with you he has to ask you out on a date.
  4. Batya33
    No birth control is 100% of course and while you may not have been planning to have a baby, you're always risking pregnancy every time you have sex. If you didn't want a baby, you could have chosen not to have sex. Not sure that that whole "accident" reasoning is relevant under the circumstances.
  5. Batya33
    Don't beat yourself up over it - you liked him and you wanted to see if something could work. My advice for next time - most men will not risk offending a lady by asking her to come to his house for a first date if he really wants a relationship with her. Or, if he does he will make it clear it is just to stop by and see something he recently bought and he won't even invite you to stay before taking you out for a meal or other public activity. I did date someone at work many years ago - we broke up and a year ago - we no longer work together - got back together. For the first "date" he asked me out to lunch and then for the second, for drinks after work and then he walked me home and did not ask to be invited in. We did not work together and it was a large company so we didn't have to see each other during the day much at all. I realize hard and fast rules all have exceptions but the next time someone asks you to come to his house and you know you are attracted to him, suggest that you do that another time and by all means, no alcohol!
  6. Batya33
    Are you saying that a man should not agree to have no strings attached sex with a woman who consents to have sex with him - no force at all - because he happens to know she is emotionally vulnerable? Really? So women can't be trusted to know their emotions sufficiently to make a choice to have sex - the man is supposed to refuse in the name of protecting us from ourselves? Makes women sound pretty weak, yes? Or of course the other way around. Unless I read it wrong, she agreed to have sex early on without a commitment. He decided he wasn't that into her and then acted in a tacky way by running away and disappearing. But how is it that he "used" her if it was consensual? Would you say the same if she had sex with him and decided she wasn't that into him?
  7. Batya33
    First of all, I am sorry things did not work out with him and I know it hurts to have someone not return your feelings -- but I know for a fact that there are men out there with whom you will click on every level. I also am sorry he didn't act like a gentleman and call you after to talk with you about whether it made sense to go forward. However, I am confused. Did he promise to date only you and be exclusive before he slept with you? Did he force you to have sex? If not, then how is it that he used you? You agreed to have sex with someone you just met, you enjoyed the sex, no promises were made of a commitment and it turned out that he did not want a relationship with you. That's his choice - sure he could have acted like more of a gentleman and called you after to tell you that he didn't want to continue but would that have made you feel any better? If you decided after the sex that you weren't into him, would you have been using him? I understand that you feel badly about yourself for having sex so soon - but I am not sure why he is to blame for that or why he is the "bad guy" in this. I realize he claimed to have strong feelings for you before you met but of course those feelings were based on typing, talking and an image he had of you and vice versa. There's no way to tell if there is a basis for a romantic, as opposed to a platonic, relationship until you meet in person and spend consistent in-person time together. I know happy healthy marriages that resulted from sex on the first date. I also know many many more instances where sex on the first date is either a sign that one of the people involved does not want a serious relationship or where it derails the whole reasonably paced courting process leaving at least one of the people confused about what they want. Instead of lashing out at him - which can cause you to generalize about all men - why not just decide that since you obviously get emotionally attached from sex, to hold off until you are exclusively dating in person of course - at least a few months.
  8. Batya33
    Really? Do you know every Asian woman ages 13 to 90 in the world? You are insulting some very dear friends of mine who would never dream of having an affair and who certainly are not promiscuous.
  9. Batya33
    About 10 of my friends got married or engaged within the last year or so - all but one late 30's and one early 30s. They met their spouses: on eharmony, through a religious activity, a neighbor, at a July 4 party, on link removed, playing in a tennis league, etc. I met my SO originally at work, 12 years ago. We dated back then for awhile then reconnected about a year ago. I met my other SOs after college through a personal ad, at a club (he was a cousin of a friend), through introductions by a friend (three of them). I have met friends since college through volunteer work, a women's networking group, work, while away on vacation, through message boards, through other friends. And, there's always graduate school.
  10. Batya33
    On the days we cannot be together (i.e. work or a plan), we talk at least once a day and often a few times a day. The evening conversation usually is the longest - better part of an hour where the others range from 10 to 20 minutes. We also email. We typically do great on the phone - flowing conversation and we have a lot in common - also both of us love to hear the other's "stories" and we spend a good part of the time cracking each other up. I like to talk at least once a day when we don't see each other as does he.
  11. Batya33
  12. Batya33
    Hmm - I don't agree with that being the proper reason to give, because you may give the impression that you weren't sensitive to the company's needs or wonder whether you knew in advance what the salary/job requirements would be. I would put it as "I worked very hard and I am looking for a company where there is growth opportunity" - that I think is a more diplomatic way of stating that you want more $ but that you also want more responsibility.
  13. Batya33
    I know you love him, but do you like him? Do you know him well enough to know if you like him? Did you focus too much on the head over heels part and not study the nitty gritty differences? Yes, you do marry the family to a certain extent.
  14. Batya33
    No, I disagree. It is not your "right" to call him and he is not obligated to take your call. If he would like to listen to how you feel, he will but if he doesn't want to for whatever reason he can tell you that, hang up and have the right not to be called by you again. If you truly feel that is a "right" then the next time you get involved with someone discuss your views on that subject and see if he will promise to take your call and listen if you need to vent about a break up down the road. Get closure within yourself.
  15. Batya33
    My platonic friendships with men are very rewarding, fulfilling and irreplaceable. Even if there is some attraction at certain times, we're not animals - we value the friendship over the attraction and act accordingly.
  16. Batya33
    Why did you choose to get pregnant before being married and knowing that you had these differences to resolve?
  17. Batya33
    Don't get involved with someone on line -simply use it as a way to meet people. Exchange one or two emails, get on the phone, have a 20 minute conversation at most and if you get along and believe he is relatively safe meet during the day in a public place for coffee. Do not get in his car or he in yours or go to his place or he to yours. It is a great way to meet people as long as you move from the online contact to real life contact very quickly.
  18. Batya33
    If you're meant to be together then stop all contact with her until her divorce is final for at least a year. Of course you are going to see this as a black and white issue -you have feelings for her. But, she is married, she is fragile right now and likely sees you as an emotional bandaid, and this can only end in heartbreak for you if you are there for her more than platonically - and casually at that - while she goes through her divorce. Outsiders often don't get why someone stays in a marriage that seems awful. Either she is so unstable that she likes the pain because it is familiar (in which case there is no way she can be in a healthy relationship) or she gets pleasure out of it. In addition, if she is willing to cheat on her husband who's to say she would be faithful to you. Believe me, first year of law school is extremely hard and requires 110% of your attention - don't let some unavailable married woman jeopardize your career. As I am sure you know, first year grades are everything as far as your chances of getting a good job out of law school.
  19. Batya33
    I disagree with this advice. It is never a good idea to say anything negative about your old company, at least directly negative. And, unless it is absolutely true that you need no training, I wouldn't say that either. I interview many people per year and if I hear bad mouthing or trashing of the prior employer or grandiose statements about how they need "no" training I view that as a red flag. My recommendation is to make sure that you have at least a college degree because it is proven that that adds to the level of salary you can command.
  20. Batya33
    If he was such a workaholic he wouldn't have had time for you in month one either. My bf and I both work long and often unpredictable hours. When you want to make time to see someone, you do and you tell them in advance if the plan is tentative because of work. The "I'm too busy" doesn't fly when it comes to common courtesy like letting someone know enough in advance if you need to cancel or telling them it is tentative. I know what it's like to work 7 days a week and many hours. Still I find and make time for my bf and he does the same. Being reliable is not inconsistent with working very hard.
  21. Batya33
    You seem highly judgmental - not a great attribute to have in a relationship. I am selective about the people I affiliate with - their "secrets" are of course their secrets - I care about actions towards others and whether those actions are kind, compassionate, thoughtful and are done with common sense. I don't walk around with a mindset that people are bad or have "shocking" secrets - that's a waste of time and belongs on Jerry Springer and the like, in my humble opinion.
  22. Batya33
    It's interesting that you are willing to flash but not be sexually intimate. Putting that aside, you never know where those pictures will end up and how they could interfere with other relationships or even with your getting certain jobs if an employer does an internet search on you before deciding to hire you.
  23. Batya33
    It's not unethical - even if she were married to you it would not be unethical. She's an adult and so is her friend and if she tells you that she will keep the boundaries as friendship the only question is do you trust her? Otherwise, you have no right to dictate who her friends are - you are her boyfriend, not her father - all you have the "right" to do is expect that she will only have sex with and go on dates with you if that is what you agreed to. The answer is not to play judge and judge it "unethical." It would be unethical if she were leading him on - but even then, that would be behavior she would have to choose to stop on her own. If you believe what she is doing is unethical and this is incompatible with your values then your option is to leave, not to control what she does. If you don't trust her then I'm not sure what kind of healthy basis there is for a relationship. (and yes, I have friendships with exes as does my boyfriend - in all cases everyone knows it is just a friendship and we trust each other completely).
  24. Batya33
    Hmm, so you feel ok trashing these women you dated but you sleeping with several women, cheating on them - all of that is somehow reasonable and justified? Luckily the people I know as friends and the select people with whom I've been romantically involved are all people of integrity, morals and solid values. And I am sure they are not in the "1%" you refer to.
  25. Batya33
    Ummmmm wow. By giving I mean being a good friend, supportive, a good listener, doing things for him whether that means offering to help him with a project, his laundry, preparing a meal, all of the countless ways that friends give to each other. Loving is active - you show your love by your actions and the act of giving is a great way to show someone you care and/or love them. Your response answered my question - apparently you see love just as a feeling not as an action. And of course physical intimacy is another of the many ways of showing love - it doesn't have to be lust and your response is sad in my humble opinion. You don't have to be physically intimate to show love of course as I wrote above.
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