Dannysgirl

Hi Foxlocke, I know how you feel, I underwent the same kind of abuse from my brother when we were growing up. He is 30 and I am 27 now. His abuse of me was not just 'sibling rivalry' either. He used to tell me constantly how ugly I was, how I would never amount to anything and nobody would ever love me and that had a much deeper effect that the physical abuse whenever my parents were out. The abuse came to a head one day why I was doing HIS chores, (as well as my own) I was drying the dishes and he walked in and just wacked my as hard as he could accross my face. I snapped and turned around putting the kitchen knife against his throat saying 'touch me again and I will kill you!' He obviously saw something in my eye that told him I wasn't joking and from then on the physical abuse stopped, although he would still be as verbally nasty to me as he could. I now comfort myself with the fact that despite all of his predicitons for my future not one of them came true. I am very happily married to an amazing guy who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, I have a good job a lovely home that i've always wanted and we have a great life together. My brother on the other hand is still living in the black hole of a village that we grew up with with my mother, he has a girlfriend that beats him up and a dead end job. So I ask you, who's laughing now? I never see my brother anymore as I emigrated to another country but when I was around him I just ignored him completely. I don't plan on giving him the time of day if I ever see him again he's simply not worth my time or my energy. Believe me I hated my brother for a long time but I don't feel much of anything now apart from pity. I do however take great pleasure in the fact that he is such a loser now so perhaps there is still a little bitterness there. Have you tried confronting your brother about his behaviour? I never did with my brother because I really don't think he cares about ANYONE but himself. I would concentrate hard on being successful and live well, showing him that you're doing well despite all of him statements to the contrary.

I think the reason she is being pushy is because you were seeing both her and your ex at one time and she is thinking 'well if he could cheat on his ex with me, then he could cheat on me with somebody else.' This is why I think she wants some show of commitment from you. The reason she wants the ring before the Christmas party is because she wants to show your ex that you are HER man now. I can certianly understand her reason's for being pushy considering the circumstances but still you should sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Do you want to marry her? If not don't buy the ring.

As far as the intimacy issue is concerned phone sex is key in my opinion. My husband and I had a 1yr transatlantic LDR before we got married. If you don't want things to be awkward when you are together sex-wise it is a very good idea to 'have sex' on the phone that way you are both sexually satisfied and you get rid of that worry that he might be getting it elsewhere. I know it might feel awkward and embarrassing at first but trust me it will do wonders for your relationship.

I agree with miracle, if you kick up too much of a fuss about it he might end up going elsewhere and I think the thought of him watching porn is preferable to the thought of him acting out his fantasies with another woman. I would still talk to him about it though and tell him that his lack of open-ness about it made you feel uncomfortable. I think you still need to work on your communication issues though and perhaps convince him to talk to a counsellor.

whoops!

Is there any evidence to suggest that he was lying and doing it in secret before? If not I wouldn't get too paranoid just because you've caught him at it now. How was your sex life before the pregnancy? When you talk to him about it I would liken the vibrator situation to this and tell him his secrecy about it made you feel threatened - how would he have felt if he came home and caught you using a vibrator? I think it might be a god idea if you emailed this thread to him that way he will no exactly how you feel, its often difficult to verbalise your feeling especially if things get heated.

Hmmm you're in quite a pickle! If you're unable to give him any relief yourself then he is clearly sexually frustrated (as are you) and needs to watch porn as a release, which is okay considering the circumtances and that men are very visual, but I can quite understand that you're upset as it makes you feel undesirable and unwanted. However he does need to try to understand your feeling regarding this and perhaps be more open about it with you, was porn ever an issue before this pregnancy?

Just because your husband can't have penetrative sex with you, this does not mean that you can't satisfy him in other ways for example oral sex, or by masturbating him - have you suggested these ways of giving him some relief? I know it sems unfair when you can't get any sexual satisfaction yourself at the moment but its better than catching him jacking off to porn. I think that day walker is right though you really need to sit down with your husband and tell him how this made you feel and also listen to what he has to say on the subject.

Celci, Have you ever thought that you might have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Have you always had thoughts like this or is it just since you've been in this relationship? If it is the former (i.e you have thoughts like this whenever you are happy) you might have a mild case of OCD. Otherwise I would agree with studmaster, to banish these thoughts think about what kind of relationships you could be in (abusive etc) and be grateful that you are with THIS guy.

Ailec1987, yes it was quite nasty for me too seeing as I walked in on my mother banging the next door neighbour! It was a rather disturbing sight for a nine yr old to say the least. My dad worked away a lot as we lived in a tiny little village where there was no practically no work and we were saving to buy a nice house. Basically my mother is very vain and loves attention of any kind so when the neightbour started flirting with her that was it. Read 'should I break nc with my mother?' thread for the whole story.

I have never cheated in any of my relationships and never would, what is the point of being in a relationship with someone if you are going to cheat? My mother cheated on my father when I was nine yrs old and it absolutely devastated him because he worshipped the ground she walked on and he has never recovered from it. Cheating is not worth the pain it inflicts on people.

Shes2smart, I am exactly like you, I don't like to chit chat or gossip with the women in the office and I especially don't want to b*tch about the co-workers that are on vacation that day! I have had many problems is different offices because of this, I don't understand why people would take such an offence to me keeping my private life private and refusing the gang up on on other members of staff when they not there. When anybody does that it makes me think 'well if she says that about her when she's not here, what on earth does she say about ME?' which is why I never partake in such behaviour not to mention the immaturity of it. I'm very much a person who likes to be alone and I have known people to get weird with me because I might have spoken to them a couple of times on my way way to work on the bus, but mostly would rather just listen to my ipod! Some people are just very quiet and if she's like that with everyone then its probably just who she is and I wouldn't let it bother you. However if she was different with you at one time and is more open and friendly with everyone else I would just simply ask her whats bugging her. Just say 'have I done something to upset you, because I've noticed you are not as friendly as you used to be.'

i tend to agree with your friends on this one. I agree Hockeyboy, he's an idiot. You could do so much better girl, drop this loser and find someone else who doesn't expect you to wait around while he 'sows his wild oats.' If he wants to do that fine but he shouldn't expect you to wait around until he's finished! Besides that how do you know he will have gotten his 'sex mania' out of his system if you get back together? Why does he feel the need to pay for sex anyway? The hooker thing is a huge red flag! Besides the reservations you may have about him paying for sex what about his sexual health? He is risking his own health and yours by sleeping with prositutes! Drop this guy like a hot potato, he's not worth it. Good luck

He's not doing it WITH her though is he? He's doing it on his own...I don't think that telling the poster that the problem is HERS is the way to go here. If she doesn't like the thought of him watching porn every time her back is turned I don't see why that is HER problem. Some people like porn some don't - its all personal preference. you do thats fine, she doesn't thats also fine. If she tried to understand what drives his enthusiasm for it and maybe got dressed up or something if thats what he wanted then that might be the way to go.

bytheway, why don't you buy some new underwear and ask him what he fantasises about when he watches this stuff? You could try suggesting making a porno of your own... If he doesn't respond to any of these suggestions then it seems that there is something wrong and he has an unhealthy interest in it.

Hey I would not mind that at all. I would not be into doing something like that but, if that is something that gets her aroused then Hey I am all for it. I did say that if you man was not having sex with you because he was more into the porn then I would totally be on your side with this post. The point that what a man or woman does when their partner is not around is none of their business. I guess you would rather have your husband go out and actually look for some floozy instead of taking care of his business his way. I would not rather he go out and look for a floozy because you know what? He doesn't NEED to, anything he needs can be gotten from me thats what I'm there for. I must say you are painting men in a very negative light. By your reasoning men NEED to watch porn or 'find some floozy' other than their girlfriends/wives to t'ake care of their business.' As a wife its my job to keep my husband satisfied and be open to anything he might want to do, if he can't do it with me then whats the point?

My opinion is that if she doesn't like the porn thing and it makes her uncomfortable (and rightly so I think) she just just dump him. I mean, who wants to be with somebody who gets off to that stuff alone instead of having sex with his girlfriend? If he wanted to watch it WITH her then fine but if not then its a problem. Hubman let me ask you something, if you came home and your girlfriend was watching something like a woman doing a guy in the back passage with a strap on, you wouldn't mind? It seems to me that porn generally is about degrading women, the money shot in the face for example and the name calling etc etc..personally if my husband was watching that stuff I would be thinking 'what kind of man am I married to that he gets off on this?' I thank god that I married a man who's not into all that stuff!

Why is the argument 'wel I'm a guy of course I'm going to watch porn' so universally accepted? I'm sorry but the 'I'm a guy' excuse does not cut it with me. I'm sure my husband wouldn't like to catch me jacking off to watching men being degraded in various ways, and I would not put up with him doing it either.

Why don't you and your sister just ask to be moved? I had to do that in my first year of university when I was put in an apartment with a bunch of eighteen going on five yr olds. I was given a choice of apartments that had free rooms and went to each one to meet the people who lived there before I moved in and had no problems since. One of the girls I moved in with then I am still close friends with now. This issue is unlikely to be resolved any other way so I would just ask to be moved it will be easier for all concerned.

Emmy, Calm down you're only 16! Why does 'meeting up' with somebody automatically mean you have to 'be naked' in front of him? You don't have to do anything you don't want to or feel uncomfortable with and if anybody expects you too then they clearly don't care about you do they? Its okay to be scared most people are to some degree when they start dating. The best thing you can do if you like somebody is go out on a date with them and get to know them over a decent period of time and decide if you really like them before you take things further physically. Just because other people you know are supposedly having sex (you can bet a lot of them are not) does NOT mean YOU have to. Do what feels right for YOU and don't do anything because its 'expected' of you by anybody. Who cares what they think, its YOUR body you do what feels right for you.

The way my husband and I look at it, its valentine's day/sweetest day EVERY day so there is no need to give these stupid card companies/florists our hard earned cash!

'Everything' by Mary J Blige.

Jessika, This guy is an idiot who is clearly using you, you don't need this kind of hassle. How are you taking things 'too slow' you've only been with the guy two weeks!!!! The guy I first slept with I was with four months beforehand - you see there are men out there who will respect your wishes and wait until you are ready. Just tell him you don't think you're right for each other, he's clearly a horned up 16yr old who is only interested in one thing at the moment. Thats the problem with boys that age a LOT of them are like that which is one of the reason's why I chose to wait til I was 21 - I didn't want to be a notch on some acne ridden smug little toerag's bedpost! Besides anything you know that if you DO sleep with this boy, the details will be circulating around school before you've even gotten dressed! Think about what YOU want not what he wants, he is only out for himself and couldn't give two ***** about you otherwise he wouldn't be pressuring you or 'borrowing' money from you. Kick him to the kerb NOW before you get hurt. all the best.

If it was experimentation to decide which team he batted for, then no I would not say he was gay but the original poster made his cousin sound like he was having regular sex with his gay friend for ten years - that would suggest to me that he is either Bi or Gay.

This girl is clearly not over you and just using this new 'boyfriend' as a way of trying to make you jealous. If she's so happy with her new guy why is she hanging out with you every chance she gets? Besides that NOBODY would say 'no offence but if you tried to kiss me I'd laugh in your face' unless they WANTED you to kiss them. You should definitely distance yourself from her for the time being and become aquaintances rather than friends in the long term.