Dannysgirl

Crummy, When I first read this post I thought that you must have all kinds of personal hygeine problems, when you posted that you shower and shave reguarly I was stumped, if you could be bothered to shower and shave why couldn't you brush your teeth? As for 'its all I know' how come? Didn't you parents make you brush as a child? Didn't your mouth feel all icky from not brushing. Even the laziest person will brush their teeth at some point just to feel less EW. Why is taking care of your teeth 'gay?' and if brushing your teeth is gay, why is showering and shaving not gay? Please expain.

Hmmm, that might be the way to go. I'm not sure my sister will be independent by the time she's 18 though. Thats why I'm anxious to get into contact with her before then. The thing I most dread is that my mother will grind her down and guilt trip my sister into hanging around that horrible hick black hole of a village and she will never be able to get away. My husbands idea about going to her school might turn out okay. My sister could always tell my mother that she told me to get lost couldn't she? Then I might be able to get her mobile phone number or something and could contact her that way.

My sister is actually my half sister. She was born when my mother married her second husband, hence the large difference in our ages. Any contact written verbal or otherwise will not get past my mother on the other hand I am worried about a clandestine meeting as my mother WILL find out about it and will porbably think that some scheme against her is being plotted and then my sister will get into trouble. The thing is, if I wait until my sister has independence how on earth will I be able to get in touch? My mother sure as hell won't give me her new address or phone number! Thanks DN for all your sound advice, this has been whirling around in my head, torturing me for the past year, it feels good to write it all down and get it all out. My father and I have a very close loving relationship. He would always there to provide support when she was acting crazy and said I could come and live with him anytime I wanted. Thank god I eventually got up the courage to leave or I might still be there now! Thanks again

Thank you DN and Daisy for your replies. I think I probably answered my own question with this post. when I think about getting back in contact with my mother a real sense of uneasiness comes over me because I know she is a very messed up woman with a lot of bitterness and issues of her own. I know that will never change and it probably would not do me any good to try to be friends again. However I really would like to be in contact with my sister again, she is only fourteen (I'm 26 now) and very naiive. I send her christmas and birthday cards and postcards to let her know how I'm doing and so that she knows I still care and am thinking about her. Thats another part of the guilt I feel, I basically left this young girl to deal with this psychotic woman on her own. when I was there I was the one who bore the brunt of her rages and I acted as a shield for my sister. I dread to think how she is being treated now. Sometimes I feel selfish because I basically abandoned her but I could not continue to live there I would have had a nervous breakdown or something for sure. Any correspondence I send my sister never has an address on it as I fear my mother will just turn up on my doorstep one day. I have however sent her my dad's address in london saying that any letters would be forwarded to me. I am yet to hear from her but I don't know if its because she doesn't want to or if its because my mother is preventing her in some way. My sister is well aware that my mother is a few sandwhiches short and last time I saw her, I told her not to listen to anything she says and just keep in mind 'I will be able to get away from you soon' the way I did for years and years. However I am unsure if my sister has the same kind of inner stregth to resist the put downs, the negativity and the lies and that she will eventually start believing what she is told. She is a very sensitive child and gets upset easily. My husband and I are going to be taking a trip back to Britain in the autumn and he has suggested that I go to my sister's school and ask to see her and we can talk about everything and I won't have to bother seeing my mother at all. do you think this is a good idea?

I am in a very awkward position with my mother. She is a very domineering person and very good at getting her own way because nobody will ever stand up to her. She was always trying to run my life for me and always telling me that I 'owed her' because I was a very sickly child who had many health problems and she would have to take days off from work to look after me. Isn't that what mothers are supposed to do? She always gave me the feeling that she only had me so that she would be looked after in her old age or something and would be able to hang my constant illness over me head as a child to give her constant attention and prevent me from having my own life. Everything I did was about her, 'well you can go to university and get a good job and then you can take care of me,' or 'no I don't mind your friend from Italy coming to stay, maybe WE can go and stay there next year' or 'why don't you get in touch with your auntie Isla in America? She might be able to get you a job then I can come and live with you.' You see EVERYTHING was about her, she never did anything unless she would benefit from it somehow. I remember asking her one year if I could buy my best friend a christmas gift and she said 'why do you want to do that? She won't get YOU anything!' Are you seeing what kind of woman this is? I suppose the thing that grates on me the most is the fact that she blames me for the breakup with my father. When I was eight years old my father worked away for a while because we were trying to save up to pay for a new house that were about to move into. While he was away she got chummy with the next door neighbour and started an affair but instead of keeping her sordid little secret to herself she brought Malcolm into our lives as some kind of surrogate 'daddy.' My brother and I didn't know what to think we were very young and confused. We knew she was doing something wrong because our mother kept telling us not to tell our father. The whole thing felt so wrong. One day my father called and I was alone in the house, he asked me how I was and what I had been doing. I told him I had been on a day trip with my mother, brother and 'malcolm' the day before. I remember my dad's voice shaking when asked who malcolm was and I said 'he's mam's friend.' A few nights later my dad kicked the door in while my mother and malcolm were all snuggled up on the couch. A lot of unpleasantness ensued, I really thought my dad was going to kill them. Needless to say my father divorced her on the grounds of adultery and that was that. Since then I have always been blamed for the break up of the marriage. everytime there was a row I would here the same thing 'if you'd have kept your mouth everything would have been fine, you had no right interfering in my business it had noting to do with you!' Well if it had nothing to do with us why didn't she keep her sordid little secret to herself in the first place? Things came to a head in 2003 when she blackmailed me into getting a car on the motability scheme. I have a degenerative hip condition and as such am not allowed to drive a manual car. She no longer had a car when her second husband left her so she told me that we we getting a car on the motability scheme which meant that my monthly disability allowance would be taken away from me, which was my only income while I was at university at the time. I said 'okay fine we'll get a car but we are getting an automatic so that I can learn to drive it' She went absolutely mad and started hitting me as hard as she could accross the face and pulling my hair. She also asked me if I wanted to 'go through the bedroom window.' She called me a selfish ungrateful cow and said 'after all I've done for you' etc. I really didn't see what the problem was, whats wrong with getting an automatic? She had had them in the past. I couldn't see why she was being so unreasonable about it. Then it dawned on me that the reason she didn't want to get an automatic is because she didn't want me to have any independence and she was scared that I would drive away with it at some point. Anyway she basically blackmailed me into signing for it by telling me that I could go and live with my father in London if I wanted to be a complete b*t*h. I didn't feel I could do that at the time as I was in my last year of university at Bangor in Wales and could not afford to pay for halls of residence. This is where things get really tricky. A few months before all of this happened my mother had put six thousand pounds into an account in my name because she knew that she would soon be going through another divorce and wanted to hide her money from the courts so that she would not have to shell out anything former husband. She also did the same in my sisters name. After I was blackmailed into getting the car I had absolutely no money and was being treated like absolute hell at home. I added up how much money I was going to lose in the next three years of her having that car and the total came to just over 6,000. I then had an idea, I would take the six thousand pounds that I felt she owed me, move out and live with my father for a few weeks over christmas and then use the money to pay for my halls of residence. I left two weeks before christmas and left her a four page letter telling her how I felt about everything and that I may or may not get back in touch at some point. She tried phoning and texting but I got a new sim card and didn't return any calls. I felt bad for leaving two weeks before chrsitmas as that is what my stepfather did the year before and she totally went to pieces. I eventually bumped into her in may of last year and she threatened to take me to the police station saying that I was a thief. Did I really do wrong by taking that money? I feel so guilty about it but at the same time I feel angry for feeling guilty as she thought nothing of blackmailing me. Obviously she was talking rubbish she had no power as she had put the money in my account anyway. We had a long talk and I really thought that we might be able to salvage a relationship of some kind and was over the moon. The next day I took my sister to the cinema and she told me that on the way there in the car all my mother kept saying was 'I bet she won't give me my money back' I was devastated to learn that she seemed only interested in getting her money and thats all she wanted. I haven't spoken to her since. I would like to have contact with my sister but I can't call the house because I know my mother will be listening to every word and giving my sister twenty questions about everything I say. i'm worried that my sister is slowly being poisoned against me and also that she will now be the one who is going to make things better for my mother. I saw a pattern emerging when I last saw my sister as she said 'Mam thinks I should be an au pair in america.' The other thing now is that I live in the states with my husband who is truly the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm worried that if I try to make contact with my mother and try to have some sort of relationship (she is my mother afterall) that she will be trying to move here and muscle in on everything good in my life. She is also very cynical and negative she would always try and sometimes suceed in making me think that boyfriends were being unfaithful to me. My life is perfect now i'm worried that she might try to sully it with her negativity. I dream and think about her a lot and feel a lot of guilt for things that happened. I am very grateful to her for all that she did for me when I was sick, she did look after me well and she always made sure that I had the best care available. She was there holding my hand when I came out of numerous operations and I know that she worried about me a lot. We once did have quite a healthy relationship allthough that was only when I was being a 'good girl' and doing as I was told. I don't know what to do, I don't want to ruin what I have now but another part of me says 'well how would you feel if she died tomorrow?' God I just wish she was normal and rational person then we might have a chance of having some kind of a relationship. What do you think I should do? I'm very torn. Thanks in advance and sorry this is so long,

QTpie87....have you met the poster on here, I_Kicked_KeNNedy? Check out the "She Talks Dirty" thread. it's ALL good....

I kicked Kennedy, How old are you first of all? I must say I find your posts quite hypocrititical in more than one way. You say that we have no right to judge you but are you not judging your girlfriend? Were you not looking for the rest of us to judge her when you posted this? There's no point getting sniffy with people now because you don't like their opnions on this, you asked! You clearly have a very different approach to sex than your girlfriend does. Having different styles doesn't mean the other person is wrong and it doesn't make your girlfriends approach childish and immature either. How would you like it if your girlfriend posted here saying 'my boyfriend is such a dead fish in bed, he won't even talk dirty to me.' Reality check: Sex is not classy, neither is it 'mature' there is no such thing as sophisticated sex unless you've been reading too many mills and boon novels. If your girlfriend is turning you off so much with her language during oral sex imagine what she's going to be like when you actually have sex. If you can't handle 'I'm going to come baby' then I doubt you'll be able to handle anything more colourful which will almost certainly be said during actual sex. Do not under any circumstances tell her that her behaviour is immature and childish, it is NOT. Your girlfriend's behaviour is perfectly normal and she shouldn't be made to feel awkward embarrassed and self conscious just because you don't like it. It may also prevent her from having normal healthy sexual relationships in future. If it really bothers you that much (is it really that much of a big deal? does it really matter - its only sex afterall!) just end it and let her be with someone who doesn't mind that and might even get into it a bit with her and you find yourself somebody a little more like yourself.

Well a guy looking at a girl when she takes her top off might be excusable because most guys wouldn't be able to stop themselves from looking, but flirting with that girl all night in front of your girlfriend is not. If they do this a lot you might want to have a word with both of them and just let them know that you will not put up with it. Ask your boyfriend how he would feel if you were salivating over one of his friends in front of you? Ask your friend the same question, maybe they didn't realise their behaviour was offensive to you.

I hate to have to break this to you dear but usually when a guy says 'I'm confused' or 'I don't know if I want to be in a relationship anymore' it usually means 'I want the freedom to be able to go and sleep with other people but still have you to fall back on when I get tired of that or if no one else will sleep with me.' He may 'feel different in a few months' because by then he might have gotten laid a few times by then. Why are you letting yourself be a option for this guy? 'will ring me in time when he doesnt want my things there anymore etc or to say he wants to get back together.' What???? So you're just going to wait around for him to decide whether he wants to be you or not? Come on, show your ex that you have some self respect! I know break ups are difficult but do not allow this guy to call all the shots. Go get your stuff and delete his number from your phone. You might find that his interest in you will go up once you stop texting/calling as you won't be acting so needy and he will want to know why you're not asking him to get back together al the time. He might even change his mind altogether. But do you really want to be with someone who wants to have his cake and eat it? I don't think I would. Go out with your friends, buy yourself something nice and have fun! You'll feel better soon, trust me. Good luck

Hi, It sounds to me like she is trying to keep you in her life as some kind of 'insurance' because good ol dependable you will always take her right back if this guy doesn't work out won't you? I think her behaviour is incredibly insensitive especially calling her new boyfriend at your place right in front of you as is rubbing your nose in how incredible her life is every five minutes. If she's having such a great time why does she need you? It appears that she wants to know that she still has control over you and wants to know that you pining away for her which is why she is not letting you get on with your life by calling/coming around all the time. You don't need this, tell her to go find somone else to make her feel good about herself. She sounds like a right smug self centered cow to me and you are better off well rid. I would let the letter be the last contact you have with her.

Luciana, It really doesn't seem to me that you should be marrying this guy. you appear to have a lot of resentment towards him with regards to the financial issues. You say he is 'very cheap' with you and wants to have total financial control within the relationship. Do you really want spend the rest of your life with a cheapo man who expects you to ask permission every time you buy something? I was a student just out of college when I met my husband, he already had the car and the apartment and the savings and does very well and I had absolutely nothing. I think I had about $500 dollars to my name when I arrived here in the states to move in with him. However my husband never even entertained the thought of a prenup despite being cleaned out by his first wife. Do you know why? Because he trusts me! He never would have asked me to marry him if he had any qualms about it working out as his first divorce was so painful. Now I know this situation is a bit different as your fiance has a business but I don't think it really bodes well the marriage if it is going to be entered into with feelings of distrust and suspicion. it sounds to me like perhaps you are only staying with this guy and putting up with this because you feel like you can't do any better. You don't seem to have much confidence in yourself as you keep making excuses for his quite inexcusable behaviour. To slap you with this pretty much out of the blue a month before your wedding and only give you a day or so to review it to try to hustle you into signing is appalling in my opnion. Okay I understand he wants to protect his future etc but what about yours? Will he have the rights to everything you buy together? I would give very careful thought to marrying this person, he gives the impression that he wants this marriage to fail before it has even begun or perhaps he is being unreasonable now because he doesn't want to go through with it and he thinks if he acts like a complete bastard you will call it all off. Why don't you tell him how you feel? Explain to him that this is making you feel very uncomfortable and sad because it seems like he assumes that you will screw him sometime in the future. Ask him why he thinks that if he loves you and wants to marry you. Good luck

Oh my God what a total loser! I agree with Softmoonlight. He is either trying to keep his options open seeing as he was the one who ended it and thinks that he now has control over the situation, or he HAS already changed his mind and wants to come back. Question is, do you want him back? If not dump his stuff out in the road and be rid of him once and for all. Good luck!

He's clearly using his stuff as a way of trying to keep a hold of you in his misguided fashion. He thinks that if he messes you around enough with the stuff then you will have time to think about the situation and might change your mind about ending it. My ex did a similar thing only the other way around, he refused to give my stuff back once I told him it was over and left the house we shared telling him I would pick my stuff up another time as there was a computer, radio, Tv etc. We went to court and he was ordered to pay me 1000 pounds for destroying my clothes and keeping my stuff which unfortunately I never saw. He was a psycho! Eventually I just said to him on one of his 70 daily phone calls to my mobile phone ' You have no control over me, you have no control over the fact that the relationship has ended. You can't change that and no amount of refusing to give my stuff back will change it.' I eventually got my computer back when his place was raided by the police but that was about all, what a loser. Anyway in your situation, I think you should do as one of the other posters said and put it on the lawn and tell him to come pick it up. You've given the guy plenty of chances, he's just using this to keep contact. Good luck!

Well obviously in this case she doesn't want it as bad as him does she? So whats your point?

If he values your relationship he should be cool with it. Just talk to him about it next time he does it and tell him how you feel. From the way he reacts you'll know whether he's all about the sex or not. If he does have a problem with you being not ready then tell him he can either deal with it or get somone else! The problem with boys of your age too is that they like to brag about how far they go with a girl to their friends and can be very disrespectful about their girlfriends in their haste to be the 'guy who gets laid' first. My husband gave me an example of this when he was in high school. A buddy of his used to run up to him put his fingers under his nose and say 'smell my fingers!' I think we can all guess what he was getting at... So you also need to make sure you can trust this guy and that if you DO go further he's not going to start broadcasting it to the whole world.

You're lucky its just one item she's got! My ex slashed my clothes up and kept all my belongings! He got away with it by telling the police that I 'gave' him the stuff. We eventually went to court and he was ordered to pay me 1000 pounds, but he never did and the police didn't care enough to keep chasing him. I would try threatening her with the police (that didn't work with my ex because he was a sneaky little bastard) tell her you will have her arrested for theft if she doesn't give it back. If that doesn't work I'd just let it go its not worth it.

Yes he is hinting. It sounds to me like your boyfriend would like to take your relationship further in a physical sense. From what you described with him guiding your hand to his pants it appears that he wants you to touch him. The question is, would you feel comfortable doing so? Do YOU want to take things further? From what you posted you don't really seem too inclined to do so and I would not encourage you to do anything you weren't comfortable with just to please him. The problem with starting to have sex of any kind in a relationship is that its very difficult if not impossible to go back to that hand holding and making out phase that you had before once you have taken things that step further. If you were to give him a hand job for example and then afterwards decided things were going too fast, he would wonder why you didn't keep doing it every time you made out and would probably be dissatisfied as a result. The best thing to do in this case is figure out what you want and only do what you feel comfortable with. If you don't feel comfortable doing it and he starts putting pressure on you, explain how you feel and hopefully he'll calm down a bit. If he carries on after that give him the boot.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news mate but it means no, I've used that line plenty of times when I didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings. I would advise you to move on and date other people.

Maybe not in isolation it isn't but having a history of visiting them and then raping his girlfriend when she doesn't comply and let him do anything he wants as if SHE were a prostitute IS a red flag in my opinion.

I've tried it a couple of times to see what it was like but it was just too painful and I felt like I was going to crap myself any minute and my husband felt like he was raping me or something because I kept flinching in pain even though he was going really slow and we used loads of KY. So we both decided our anal career is over, not something I'm particularly sad about to be honest! If you want to do it use a lot of KY and have a lot of foreplay - you could also try having a few drinks too!

I'm with you, this counsellor seemed to side with your boyfriend and blame you for this behaviour it is NOT a game and is simply wrong. for the counsellor to describe rape as such just makes me feel sick, and confirms the fact that he's tool who's opinion is not worth anything. Nothing excuses what your boyfriend has done, you did not ask to be assaulted in that way. Its YOUR body and you decide what gets done to it nobody else. I don't want to sound like a bra burning feminist or anything but you might want to go to a female therapist and see what she has to say because at least she would be able to see where you are coming from. Thats not to say that this moron therapist sided with your boyfriend because he's male, most men would be totally horrified at what has been done to you. I forwarded this thread to my husband before and he was absolutely disgusted. However it might make you feel more comfortable to talk to a female counsellor. So glad you're getting out of there, be strong and don't let him talk you round with 'oh but I love you' because its a bunch or crap, a man who loved you would not rape you. Leave before you start believing this rubbish about it being your fault, women who stay often get trapped and find it ten times more difficult to get away once they've been convinced that they 'deserve it' some never do. Meet him in a public place when you tell him to go jump, the last thing you need is for him to have another go before you leave. Don't be alone with him again. Good luck to you, you're doing the right thing.

His background with prostitutes is even more disturbing!! Does it not bother you? Have you been tested for STD's?? I was also very worried about this. She might have any number of diseases. Chlamydia is pretty much symptomless in most women but can do untold damage to your fertility system. Please get tested as soon as possible. There are so many red flags with this guy it's blinding. 1. Addicted to marijuana and unable to control his sexual impulses, 2. Regular past use of prostitutes, 3. He rapes you in your sleep. Good GOD, woman! Wake up! Let him seek help for his "uncontrollable behaviour" alone, and get away from him as fast as you can. He can deal with this himself and it's his responsibility to get help, not yours. My sentiments exactly, it is HIS responsibility and its NOT your fault. Get out and get counselling for yourself as soon as possible. You deserve better than this guy.

I'm sorry but this stinks! It still seems to me that you are being unjustly blamed for your boyfriends behaviour. So the fact that you don't initiate gives him the right to force you? Couldn't he just ask you? and what is this guff about 'not being able to control himself?' Is he an animal? Even if he couldn't 'control himself' that doesn't give him the right to rape you, and besides he doesn't need to force you to 'finish' he could just as easily finish himself off. Sounds to me like this therapist was talking out of his backside. Your boyfriend HAS raped you on more than one occasion so that makes him a rapist, end of story. If he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong that doesn't excuse it in the slightest. I get the impression that your boyfriend is carrying a lot of anger towards women in general because he wasn't able to get laid before you came along. I dread to think what he did to those prostitutes, but hey they were being paid for it so whatever. YOU on the other hand are not a prostitute and the fact that he has been with them before doesn't give him the right to treat you like that. I think the other question you need to ask yourself is 'why wasn't he getting any?' Could it be that the women he was trying to sleep with thought there was something dodgy or possibly dangerous about him? I think you need to get some counselling for yourself. Women's aid is an excellent non profit organisation in the UK that offers counselling for women who are either in or have been in abusive relationships of any kind. I think it would greatly benefit you to go and see them and talk everything out or you may find you have intimacy issues in the futire. Best of luck!

I don't like this at all. It doesn't seem like your boyfriend is taking responsibility for his actions. By saying that his other girlfriends 'got a kick out of it' he is implying that there is something wrong with YOU for not liking it. I hope you used the word 'rape' when you described what he was doing to you, and asked him how he would like it if somebody held him down covered his mouth and sexually assualted him whilst telling him 'he liked it.' Being tied up during sex is all well and good if both parties consent and you did NOT consent so no amount of 'my ex liked it' is going to change the fact that he is a rapist. What he is doing to you is not the same. Personally I would get as far away from this man as I possibly could. How can he say he 'didn't realise it bothered you so much?' Is he crazy? So you telling him no and trying to stop him doesn't show that it bothers you? and confronting him in the morning doesn't either? No does NOT mean yes at any time and that is what this creep needs to learn. He knows damn well that this behaviour is unacceptable but is trying to make you feel like its YOU who has the problem so that you will continue to submit to this. Who is he talking to about 'his problem' a trained proffesional or a buddy of his? Unless its the former I would not be alone with him again under any circumstances and do not sleep there until you are certain you will not be harmed again if you are going to give him a second chance. I think you should ditch him and get out of there but I know that emotions can cloud judgement and it is difficult to get away from somone who has such a hold on you. Just ask yourself this, if a friend of yours was going through this, what would you advise her to do? Best of luck, Nia

This guy is a total creep who needs to be stopped. Leave as soon as you can and if you can stomach it report him to the police. This guy sounds like a very dangerous individual who could possible upgrade from raping you his girlfriend to raping strangers at knifepoint once he is not getting his sick needs met. Do you get yourself out of there first though, your safety is what is most important. A person who loved you would not hurt you or force you to do something you do not want to do. He does not love you and obviously has issues relating to sex and control. Regardless of whether he thinks he is doing nothing wrong by doing that to you or not he is very sick and needs to be as far away from you and other women as possible. Get out as soon as you can, don't wait for him to hurt you again!