Dannysgirl

I'm getting the feeling that you never wanted this relationship to end in the first place and although you were unhappy you thought that perhaps your boyfriend would change and stop being so unkind to you if you just hung in there. Is this the case? As for him not talking to you when his girlfriend is around, well that is to be expected as I would not want my husband/boyfriend speaking to his ex! However the calling you every week and being touchy feely suggests that he doesn't want you to let go in my opinion. By behaving in this manner but using the safe 'friends' angle he is keeping himself in your life and stopping you from moving on and finding somone else. I think it may be a case of 'I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either.' In my opnion tow people who have been together will never be able to be close friends because the previous relationship will always get in the way. i've tried it myself on many occasions but have found that jealousy over a new relationship usually ruins any chance of real friendship, we are only human afterall. Aquaintances yes, friends no unless you want to get hurt even more in the long term. I think you should extricate yourself as much as possible from this guy until you have healed properly otherwise you're going to be confused by his behaviour and you don't need all that right now, you need to concentrate on yourself and tell him so. He's the one who dumped you in the first place so he can't expect to have things all his own way. Take care of yourself

I've never done anything bad personally but I've had plenty of stuff done to me. One of my exes that I lived with for a while slashed my clothes to ribbons when I ended the relationship and would not let me have my stuff back like my computer, sound system, TV etc.. He eventually gave my computer back and was ordered to pay me $2000 in compensation which I never got. I'm very happily married now but I still find myself getting furious when I think about what happened because I know that I did nothing wrong and nothing to deserve that. I am a firm believer in 'what goes around comes around' but the fact that I'll never KNOW that he got his comeuppance really burns me and the fact that he will never know how happy I am now and how he was not even a fleck of dust compared to my husband annoys me too. I suppose what really gets to me is that I didn't 'get him back' for what he did and find myself fantasising sometimes that someone will beat him up and he will be left paraplegic as a result and will have to suffer the indignity of having a big ol fat nurse wipe his bottom for the rest of his life. How can I get rid of this anger? Sometimes I will get so angry that I want to scream and talking about it doesn't help either that just gets me even angrier! I know they say time is a healer but this anger is not dissipating as it has now been almost three years since this happened. What should I do? Arrange ot have him killed? LOL - maybe not.

Hmm I don't know about the moving in together thing. You said in an earlier post that she had had a row with a family member so that sounds pretty dodgy to me. The more you write about the realtionship the more I think she is just using you and stringing you along. I think you need to be very careful. Why does she want to take the huge step of moving in with you if she doesn't even want to curb her clubbing for the sake of the relationship. She doesn't appear to have thought it through properly. Moving in together, sharing a life and a home is a very serious move that requires very serious consideration. Sacrifices and compromises have to be made if it is going to work. Can you see this girl making the necessary compromises judging by her current behaviour? Will you be happy to stay in alone while she goes out to clubs with the new friends she makes? I'm sorry to have to say this and I could be completely wrong but it is beginning to sound like your girlfriend may be stringing you along and the reason she goes out all the time is to see if she can find something 'better' also the fact that you have your own place I think is a big draw and if she wants an easy way to get out of her current situation then you might be able to provide that escape. I know that her friend Helen and this other guy will not be there if she moves in with you but a leapoard doesn't change its spots. Do you honestly think that she will become more responsible and start treating this relationship a bit more seriously? You really need to talk to her and confront her about all of these things. Don't tip toe around these issues because you don't want to upset her because if you don't find out now then you could be in for a rough ride later on if I'm right about any of this. The best advice I can give you is to really listen to yourself, most people know deep down when something is right or not so listen to your intuition and hopefully it will steer you in the right direction. Good luck.

Hi, The thing that concerns me about your relationship is the fact your girlfriend doesn't seem like she's really ready to put any real effort into it. You say that you return home at 6pm on weekends but she would rather go out clubbing than stay in and IM with you occasionally. Is there any way that she could come and stay with you every other weekend and the two of you could spend some together? I realise you will only be there from 6pm on those nights but I'm sure she could amuse herself during the day. You could even take her out to a club one night so that you could get some idea of the reason she is compelled to go clubbing all the time. Another thing that worries is the fact that she talk to her EX boyfriends when she's talking to you and this doesn't bother you???? If not, why not? If my then boyfriend and now husband had IMed with an ex of his AT ALL nevermind while talking to me I would have kicked him into touch a long time ago and we sure wouldn't be together now! A certain amount of jealousy in a relationship is healthy, it shows that the person you're with actually cares! So why don't YOU care? I'm getting the distinct impression that this girl is extremely insecure and needs constant attention from men to make her feel good about herself which in my opinion is why she enjoys clubbing so much. I feel sorry for her about her father but she really needs to get her priorities straight. Why does she need all this attention from other guys when she has you? Can you honestly see this relationship lasting in the long term? Do you want it to? It really seems to me that your girlfriend might be a little on the immature side and might not really be ready for a serious relationship. It also seems to me that perhaps you're personalities don't really fit. You seem a little more conservative than she is and perhaps you would be happier with a girlfirend who is more on your wavelength? You both need to sit down and really talk about what you want for the relationship and if its to continue you both need to start acting like a proper couple and giving each other priority over all else and making each other happy. I don't know why but there is something very wrong with the picture you're painting, it doesn't seem like either of you are really committed to making this work and the fact you don't get insanely jealous when she IM's with her EX's just blows my mind. How could you NOT be if you care for her as much as you say you do? Do try to meet soon and talk all of this out because I really think its a case of sink or swim at this point. Good luck and I hope you decide the best course for you both.

Perhaps your girlfriend could agree to keep her drinking in check when she goes out? You don't HAVE to get drunk to have a good time and I found that I had a much better time when I went out when I controlled my drinking. It also made me feel better when I spoke to my boyfriend and he could tell that I was still very much in control of my faculties and was not worried that anything untoward had happened. As far as compromise for you, I really think that you and your girlfriend need to set up a time to IM when it is just the two of you. Put your IM on invisible so that your other friends don't know that you are online and talk to JUST her for a while. I'm sure she will appreciate the gesture enormously and you can always talk to your friends another time or when she gets offline. This will make her feel much more appreciated and special and will bring you closer together. Basically when she asks 'who else are you talking to?' she is asking for the response 'nobody but you honey' and to be honest I really think that should be the case for the majority of times you IM with her because its very difficult to continue two or more conversations at the same time and if you're talking to other people there is going to be long pauses while you are replying to other people and that can affect the flow of a conversation and be extremely irritating. It can also give the impression that you don't really care about talking to her if you are engaged in other conversations. I'm not saying that you have to cut off all your friends and give her attention every waking minute but just to make some time for her and JUST her every relationship needs 'just us' time whether its online or otherwise and I am sure she will love you all the more for it and you will become closer as a result. I hope that helps!

LDR's can and do work. My relationship is living proof of this as I am now married to the person I had a an LDR with for a year. Yes they are very difficult but if both parties are equally committed they are worth the wait. LDR's require a LOT of communication, understanding and compromise. If you are fully aware of this when you undertake this kind of relationship then you won't go far wrong. You should contact this girl and tell her how you feel, what have you got to lose? It could potentially turn into something very special. Who knows, maybe she still loves you too.

In December I moved from North Wales to Pennsylvania to marry my American Fiance. It was emotional leaving my father who I am very close to but we speak on the phone and text each other regularly. What helped me cope with the move is that my Husband has a very close knit loving family who welcomed me with open arms. I do get quite bad homesickness occasionally and when that happens I will look at webcams/pictures of parts of Britain on the internet or PM Brits I know online. Talking to my husband when I get like that also helps a lot as he comforts me by telling me we will be going back for a visit in the Autumn. It helps that he loves Wales so much and is very interested in my language and culture. Seeing British TV also helps me hugely and it always makes me very happy when I come accross somebody here who is British. That said I am very happy here and am very glad I moved here to be with him. Homesickness is nothing compared to the pain I felt when we were apart.

I'm British and I had a year long LDR with my American husband before we married in December so they CAN work, but they also TAKE work. My relationship is proof that LDR's can be worth it in the end.

When my husband and I first got together we had an LDR for a year while I was finishing university. I used to like going clubbing with my flatmates once a week as I love to dance and that was the only reason I would go. However my Husband did not understand why I wanted to go as he hates going to club and didn't understand the appeal. We had quite a few arguments about it at first but I assured him that I was completely faithful, was not wearing skimpy clothes and was going to the student union rather than frequenting 'meat market' type places. We came to a compromise and I promised that I would call him before I went out to let him know where I was going and with whom, I would also call him as soon as I got in to let him know I got home safe and to tell him about my night. I also promised that I would not get drunk when I went out. Some people might say that he was 'controlling' me or something because we decided to do this but that is not the case, every relationship requires compromise and you need to show that you respect your partner enough to do so if your behaviour is upsetting them in some way. From reading your posts it sounds to me like both you and your girlfriend are guilty of trying to make the other one jealous. She keeps telling you about texting another guy and you are IMing with another girl when she is on the phone with you! It really seems like this is the case because you know how insecure she is about you IMing with other girls and yet you still tell her you're talking to other girls when you are the phone with her. I think its your subtle way of getting her back for texting that guy. If this is the case you need to realise what you are doing and stop doing it. How do you expect her to stop making you jealous when you are doing the same thing to her? Couldn't you get off the internet for a few minutes while you speak to your girlfriend? I believe you when you say she's a friend but it really isn't very respectful to be carrying two conversations on at once. As for your girlfriend and this other guy well you need to tell her point blank that it bothers you and ask her to stop texting with him for the sake of your relationship. If she really does value it she will understand that and take the neccesary steps to extricate herself from this guy or at the very least text him less often. You really need to think long and hard about this relationship and whether you are both committed enough in the long term to make it work. Good luck!

LDR's Can and DO work. My husband and I are living proof of this as we got married after a very difficult year of being apart. A lot of people will say that LDR's are not worth it because 'why bother with somone you can be with for weeks at a time?' But believe me if you meet that one person who completes you totally you should do everything in you power to keep that relationship going until you can be together properly. I think a lot of people will just automatically vote against LDR having never experienced one because they just cannot imagine doing it. I think the biggest issue to overcome in an LDR is sex and fidelity. There has to be A LOT of trust and both parties need to be totally commited for it to work. As for the sex thing, well my husband and I overcame this by having phone sex on a regular basis. A lot of people might be squeamish or embarrassed about doing this but I assure you its the best way to have peace of mind. If you are having sex of any kind with your boy/girlfriend then you are seuxally satisfied and will be much less likely to go off and get it elsewhere and that goes for your partner too. Talking openly about sex will also be a huge plus when you are finally together because you will both know what the other likes and what is off limits. I'd like to give everyone on this board who is currently in an LDR a big hug, hang in there, it IS worth it!

Hi Linnea, I know it seems hopeless at the moment but don't give up. My husband and I were in a transatlantic LDR for a year while I was finishing university before we married in December. We only saw each other for a few weeks during that time. Having been together for almost six months now we could not imagine being apart for one day, and still marvel at how we managed it. LDR's are hard but they do have their advantages in the long term. My husband and I attribute the health of our relationship now to the fact that we basically could do nothing but talk for so many months and as a result know each other inside and out and communicate excellently in every way as a result. LDR's also help you to appreciate each other more. There is nothing better than finally being with the person that you have yearned to be with for so long and we never ever forget what we have been through and how all of that pain was ultimately worth it in the end. Your boyfriend sounds like he is the one and if he is, you will be kicking yourself for the rest of your life if you let him go. I know how you feel, I nearly broke up with Danny more than once because the distance was making me so unhappy but we kept at it, and look at us now. He is my soul mate and I would be lost without him. Its difficult to find somone who totally completes you in this world and you never know when or if it will happen again. Make sure you don't lose yours, it will be worth it in the end I promise you. Hang in there Linnea, Nia