Dannysgirl

I too agree with Ray Kay him being bipolar does not give him a licence to be abusive towards you. Please wake up and drop this manipulative guy. You say you love him but what has he done to deserve this apparent unconditonal love from you when all he does is treat you like you're something he scraped off his shoe? Why waste you're time on somebody like this when you could be with somebody who loves you and treats you well all the time instead of settling for the scraps of affection you get when he's not systematically crushing your self confidence and trying to control you? I'm starting to think you're a glutton for punishment girl!

From what you've said I really don't get the impression that your boyfriend is the love of your life. If he truly was this other guy would not even have hit your radar, much less have you staying up late messaging with him and dressing up for him. If you really don't want to cheat on your boyfriend why are you trying to make yourself more attractive for this other guy? Just what is the point of dressing up and flirting if you don't want it to go further? I think it would be kinder to end it with your boyfriend and go out and 'sow your oats' as another poster put it because I don't think you're quite ready to settle down with just one person yet. Even if you don't do anything with this guy, it seems that you are really curious about what else is out there and who knows you might develop a crush on somebody else in a few weeks/months time. There's nothing wrong with that, its natural and you will have to get it out of your system before you decide you want comittment because it can end up interfering with your relationship down the road.

Oh My God, that is just awful! I really don't know what to advise you to do. On the one hand telling the truth is always best, but what are you going to say? 'My friends dared me to go on a couple of dates with 'an ugly dude' like you for $20?' What do you think that will do to his self esteem? As much as I abhor lying, it might be kinder in this instance to tell him you have met someone else at least he'll be able to get over that a bit quicker than knowing that you and your friends find him so groteque looking that you were willing to completely crush his self esteem for $20! You really do need to tell your boyfriend the truth though and drop these so called bully friends of yours. I really don't understand this mentality, I realise you're young but why on earth would you care so much about somebody else's perceived 'ugliness' to put this much effort into hurting them? Could it be that you and your friends are a little insecure about your own looks? Either that or your see yourself as being 'better' than this boy because he's 'ugly' but you're no better than anybody regardless of looks or popularity - remember that. I had things like this done to me at school because I was a late bloomer (didn't start puberty till pretty late) and I just couldn't believe that people could be so mean for absolutely no reason. Funnily enough a few years later the very same people were clamouring for a date and I wouldn't give them the time. What goes around certainly comes around!

The fact this guy is a player does not mean he has 'good genes' it just means he's very good at telling women what they want to hear and covering his tracks. Not all women like 'jerks' and 'bad boys' although many women go through a period of trying to change a 'bad boy' before they realise that they can't be changed and give up. I think your advice thus far is of a very poor variety, basically you're asking the girl to give up her self respect and condone this guy's cheating because he 'shouldn't be expected to control his penis?'

Do you think this girl has similar feelings for you?

ConfusedInGermany - dump this loser pronto, he's a dog and probably has numerous STD's if he's this promiscous. Please get checked out asap.

Why on earth would she want to stay with a guy who is going to cheat on her?

You should probably try and include more carbohydrates in your diet such as potatoes, pasta, bread etc. Its very possible that you just have a very high metabolism which is quite common at your age.

Oh dear, that certainly is not healthy. I weigh 6 and a half stone and am 4'8 inches tall. You should be weigh about 9 stone or more at your height so you are quite dangerously underweight. Why do you go a day without eating? That is very dangerous and you could end up collapsing. Have you been to the doctor? What do your friends and family think about your current weight?

How tall are you?

Hi, If in doubt this one sentence tells you everything you need to know about this relationship and where its headed - nowhere. This guy is a spoilt selfish little brat and you should pack him stuff when he's at work and put them out in the road. You don't need to tolerate this kind of behaviour not all men act like five yr olds. Personally if I were in your situation I would have given this guy a tongue lashing and told him to clean up his act of get the hell out of my house and given him a time frame in which to improve or he was out on his ear. I'm not sure that its even worth trying that tactic with this loser though, just kick him out - you're well rid.

Oh dear, what a terrible situation to be in! I really feel for you. Has your husband been to the doctor to be formally diagnosed with depression? Has he tried any kind of miedication for it? Are you absolutely sure that your husband IS depressed and not just threatening suicide in an effort to control you? His tantrums and threatening to kill himself everytime you say you want to go out with your friends or go away for the sake of your job sounds like very controlling behaviour to me. Was there any particular trigger for his depression? Why is he so jealous of you, doesn't he work? Sorry about all the questions, just trying to get more insight.

Yeah I suppose it was really but the whole experience made me a much stronger person and without going through that I wouldn't be where I am now. The guy did me a favour in many ways because had this NOT occurred I would not have met the man that is now my husband and that really would have been a tradgedy.

I totally understand Heavensent's sentiments and agree to some degree. I wouldn't go so far as to call you a jerk because I don't know you but I really don't know how you can profess to love your girlfriend when you danced and cuddled with another girl and seemingly thought nothing of it until you came home and X started getting all fatal attraction on you. You need to think about what led you to cheat on the girl you 'love' in the first place. I love my husband and it would never EVER enter my head to dance or cuddle with anybody else and if I even THOUGHT of doing either of those things then I would know there was something VERY wrong in my marriage. Maybe a relationship is not what you want at this point in time? Maybe you want to go out and sleep with other girls and 'sow your wild oats' so to speak? If that is the case you can't have your cake and eat it to you have to choose. How would you feel if your girlfriend had betrayed YOU in this way? If I was in your shoes I would be telling my girlfriend because I would want the relationship to continue on the basis of TRUTH and not lies and cheating plus I wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt. If this truly was just a stupid mistake that will not be repeated and there are no other issues in your relationship to be addressed then I would not tell her because it will break her heart but if you feel this might happen again then I would be honest and tell her and let her decide on the future if she thinks you have one. I just find it very difficult to accept your claim that you love your girlfriend if this happened. People who love each other DO NOT CHEAT its that simple - so do you REALLY love her?

Yes you did mess up but telling you what you 'should have done' is hardly going to help things now is it? Everybody makes mistakes and you have made yours it shouldn't be too late to salvage this relationship you just need to be completely honest with this guy and tell him exactly how you feel and why you behaved as you did. If you do those things and show how remorseful you feel I would think you will be able to re-build your relationship.

Amano, if you love your girlfriend as you say you do why were you dancing with another girl all night in the first place, and why did you let it go further? That would suggest to me that there might be problems in your relationship by the fact that this event even took place. Is everything okay in your relationship with your girlfriend?

Why don't you just be totally honest and tell him what you told us here or even better send him the link to this topic so he can see for himself? I'm sure that once he see's how torn up you are and how you feel like you've messed up big time he'll be willing to give you another chance. Its only natural to be a bit scared at the beginning of a new relationship, just tell him you got a little scared because things were moving so fast and maybe you can get back together but just take things a little slower?

Runtome, let me tell you what happened to me. A few years ago I was involved with a guy in college who very slowly drained me of my finances until I was forced to move in with him to remain at university. Even before I moved in he had begun to emotionally and mentally abuse me and my self confidence had pretty much been destroyed completely. I convinced myself that his behaviour was due to 'stress' and the death of his mother the previous year and thought moving in with him would improve things - I couldn't have been more wrong. I am a very tiny petite woman and have numerous health problems that I need to take essential medication for everyday. Not long after I moved in my tablets start going missing ( I later found out he was hiding them as well as spiking my food with marijuana and an assortment of other drugs) and the effects of not having them begin to show rapidly - (confusion, extreme naivete, huge weight loss, muscle weakness) however because I didn't have my tablets I didn't realise why I was feeling so weird. As time went on he started locking me in the bedroom of the house and disappearing for a whole day sometimes and I had no idea where he went or what he did. He also phyiscally abused me and forced himself on me sexually on more than one occasion. I eventually got out of this situation when my mother called and requested that I go home for my birthday -(he accompanied me because he was worried I would say something, not that I would have as I was totally out of it) my mother saw me and nearly fell over I weighed 60 pounds at this point and was very sick. She managed to get rid of him after a few days and I was sent to the doctor who I had to plead with not to admit me to the hospital. I was put on muscle/energy building treatment that is normally reserved for terminal cancer patients. My ex then began a campaign of trying to get me back in his clutches first it was all nice 'but I love you, I would NEVER harm you..' etc etc then it was threatening 'meet me on your own or all your stuff is out in the road' he would call me in excess of 100 times a day leaving message after message that was more desperate than the last. I was very strong I went strict NC after that and only spoke to him when I went to collect my things with my Stepfather in tow. He had slashed all my clothes to ribbons and had stole all of my possessions that were of any value. After a long court wrangle I eventually got my computer back that had lots of lovely viruses on it and was worthless anyway but I don't care - the point is I AM ALIVE and it is my firm belief that had I not gone home that weekend I WOULD be DEAD now and would not have had the opportunity to meet the amazing person who is now my husband. Wake up girl, GET OUT before you are WHEELED OUT.

I think you desperately want to believe that this man has changed when its impossible for somebody to change in so little time. Please do yourself a favour and get out of there asap, stop making excuses and stop stalling! If this guy really wants to change he will prove it to you by seeking help wether you are with him or not. This is something you can check up on periodically in the ensuing weeks/months. Personally I think this guy is a total Bull S****er and you are well rid of him. I'm not trying to sound like a man hater here, I'm really not and I'm sure there are more guys out there like Danny H who really want to change and DO change but this guy you're with sounds like a loser of monumental proportions who does nothing but lie, treat you like excrement and talk out of his backside when called on it. Gather your strength and leave! Lets see how much this guy has 'changed' in a few weeks/months time - I'm betting he won't have, all of these declarations of love are empty words designed to keep you just where he wants you, as others have said don't fall for it.

I would advise you to do it as soon as you can because getting this straightened out sooner rather than later is going to be better for you emotionally at least. The longer it drags on the harder it will be.

If he believes he has done the right thing then there is probably no changing his mind at this point. I know it doesn't make sense to you because everything seemed fine but you can never know what is going on inside of somebody else's head (there could have been many things that were NOT right in the relationship as far as he was concerned and you were oblivious to) and you never know maybe there really wasn't much of a problem generally but he just fell out of love with you? It happens and its not your fault so don't blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong people's personalities and needs are constantly changing sometimes the person who was right for you a year ago is no longer the one you want to be with. I hate to say it but you probably are kidding yourself but thats only natural as this is a big shock but now you have to come to the realization that this has ended and do everything in your power to make things easier for yourself. Not accepting this and hanging around waiting for this guy to change his mind is draining you physically and emotionally. Get your stuff out of there asap and start taking care of yourself - see your friends, and above all be kind to yourself. As for being friends with him i think that is a bad idea at this point because you need to heal from this break up and you can't do that if you are still seeing him regularly as it will give you false hope of a reconcilliation. When you next see him to get your stuff tell him that you want to be friends with him in the future (if that IS what you want?) but right now you can't do it because you need space to get over the break up. Give yourself at least a few months of NC before you get back in contact with him. I hope you're okay, feel free to PM if you want to chat.

Hi, I just read your original post again and you said it has been two weeks since you split, with that in mind it doesn't look good as far as reconcilliation goes in my opinion. If he's still wanting to ahead with the break up at this point it looks pretty permanent to me. If you hang around waiting to see what will happen then chances are you might get strung along by him and that would hurt you even more than a clean break. I would show him that you have accepted his decision and call him to discuss the practicalities of the split (finances, your stuff etc) and not even ask him whether its 'really' over. If you show that you are waiting for him to change his mind and are going to be hanging around for him for the foreseeable future then why does he need to be in a committed relationship with you? Show that you are accepting the break up and make arrangements to get your stuff out of there - this will force him to make a cast iron decision and if he doesn't choose you then you were better off out of it anyway at least then you can begin the healing process and get on with your life.

Have you tried going for counselling for the abuse you suffered? Talking about it to a trained proffessional can be the first step on the road to recovery.

Hey Curly, I feel for you, this is a horrible situation to be in. I know you want this guy back and you might end up getting him back but at what price? Do you really want to be with somebody who isn't 'in love' with you? It must have taken a lot of courage for him to tell you that and he must have thought about it long and hard before he told you so clearly he's pretty sure about his feelings... Do you think that maybe he is confused and doesn't know what he wants and if you give him space he will come back? What makes you think there is still a chance, is he giving mixed signals?

Do you ever think you might do something about these fantasies? Is there ever a time where you might be tempted? If so there is a problem and you need to break up with your girlfriend so that she doesn't get hurt. If you are not thinking of acting on these fantasies then I wouldn't think it was too much of a problem you're only 20 years old and there are still a lot of hormones flying around your body and fantasies are not a bad thing as long as they remain in the realm of fantasy.