confused in germany

It's over. He just called me and told me that he needs to talk to me in person when he comes back from a weekend trip on Sunday evening. I asked him good or bad cause I already knew what it was about. We talked a bit on the phone then. He said that he feels things are awkward and he realized that he can't go on like this. It's either all or nothing for him and he isn't ready for "all" right now. He said that if he was ready for a new relationship it would be with me but he isn't ready right now. So we're going to talk on Sunday but it's practically over already. I'm so shocked. I thought that I had finally found the right guy and I'm totally in love with him.

Thanks for your answers! First of all, the condom thing: He slept with a girl during that month when I was gone but back then we were just caually dating. I assumed we were exclusive and I learned from that mistake. He told me about it himself when we had the exclusive talk and I didn't even have to ask. He also thought that I was seeing other people while I was gone. So I thought about it for a while and then it was ok for me. @ocrob: I haven't thought about that yet. It might be a good idea to go back to casual dating. It really would take the pressure off. Maybe I should ask him how he feels about that. One more question for you guys: My intuition tells me that he is serious about it and wants a relationship with me at some point in the future. However, sometimes it's hard for me to understand how he can take a step back if he likes me so much and I think that if he liked me so much he would be ready to move on. He does take relationships very seriously but still. Does this whole "I need time to get over it" thing after 5 months make sense to you?

This guy and I have been dating exclusively for 2 months. A couple days ago we had a very open and honest talk about us and we both decided that it's better to be friends for now. He already told me a while ago that he still isn't ready to fully committ again and can't give 100% right now since he broke up with his ex 5 months ago (they were together for 2 years) and hasn't been single for the last 8 years. I thought I could handle the situation and we said we would just take things slowly. However, everytime we saw each other after that I felt that he was holding back which made me hold back in return. I like him so much and I always want to be around him but I realized that I couldn't really be myself because of that situation and it was killing me. So I told him that I thought I can handle the situation but that I realized I can't. He told me that if he would just listen to his heart then it would be clear to him but his head tells him that he's not ready yet. He took my hand and was holding it all the time while he told me very personal things. He said that he's falling in love with me but he doesn't want to ruin things cause he isn't totally emotionally available yet. He's worried that if things go on that way, it would drive me away from him cause he's walled-up sometimes. We agreed that we should stop having romantic dinners, sleeping together, etc. It was very sad but I knew it was the right thing to do. He also said that he doesn't want to date other people again and that this is only about us and about getting to the point where he can have a serious relationship with me and not about wanting to date other people again. He also made me promise him that if in a while from now I think that I can't do the friendship thing anymore and it's either all or nothing for me, that I won't just walk away from him and disappear but that I will tell him so that he can do something about it. In the end he looked me deeply in the eyes and told me that he really likes me and that he knows he can't expect me to wait for him but he said "Please don't give up on me yet". The way he said it was so intense and he almost looked teary-eyed. I was totally moved. I told him that I really like him too and I don't want to give up on him. It was the most intense moment we ever had. He said that this was all he needed to know. We hung out at a cafe yesterday, had a great time as always but it was hard for me to be just friends. When I said goodbye he wanted to give me a little kiss but I turned away and just hugged him even though all I really wanted was to kiss him. We'll keep hanging out (he asked me if I want to do sth tonight) but I'm going to miss being close to him so much. Well, if I really can't do it then I'll call him and tell him like he made me promise him. He is the first guy I ever met where I think he could be the one and I want to do things right. I think my obsession and being in love with him is turning into love and I don't want to lose him. I'm wondering if I should really act like a friend now, give him a lot of space and hope that he will miss me and that this will make him get over his past faster, or if I should keep in touch a lot and show him every once in a while that I care about him and remind him of what he's missing. I want to give him time but I don't want to risk losing him. Any advice for me? Does it sound like he's serious and there is a chance? Sometimes I think if he really liked me that much he would be ready already but then again he takes relationships very seriously and wants to be completely over his past and be 100% emotionally available.

Mun, Thanks, I took a look at the thread. I agree that I should be careful with him. By the way, I think he isn't that attached to his ex anymore. He was the one who broke up with her. The main reason was that she always got very upset over little things. For example if he didn't call her every day and she always made him feel like he HAD to do things and not because he wanted to do them. I got the impression that to him being committed means to have a lot of pressure and obligations.

Thanks for your answers! I agree with all of you. I don't know, I think it also has to do a lot with American dating. I'm from Germany and this thing is just a big mystery to me. When I asked him about the difference between being exclusive and being bf/gf he said that to him bf/gf means that you are seriously commited and thinking about marriage etc., whereas dating is how you get to know someone that well and eventually get to that point and if everything goes well which he assumes then our serious dating will lead to being bf/gf. I think the intention and interest is there. I'm just wondering whether it's too risky since he isn't totally available yet or if I should just give it a chance to see what happens since he really seems to be a keeper.

A couple days ago the guy that I've been dating for 2 months and I decided to see each other exclusively. However, he told me for the first time that he isn't totally emotionally available yet since he broke up with his ex-girlfriend 5 months ago and isn't really over that yet and that this is the first time in years that he is single and wants to find himself. He also said that he might hold back a little and try not to get too attached to me because he doesn't want to get hurt. I don't want to pressure him and want to give him all the time he needs and take things slow. However, I'm worried that I might get too attached and get hurt myself. Do you think it's a bad sign that he told me he isn't ready to be in another relationship yet? He was the one who said that he doesn't want us to see other people and that he wants me in his life right now and wants to see where this goes but I'm still not sure about the chances that he might be ready for a new commitment let's say in half a year from now. I really like him and I know I would be able to take it slow, give him space and remain a challenge cause that's just my personality but I'm still worried.

I've been casually dating a guy for 2 months. We just spent the whole weekend together and last night before I left I asked him if he is also sleeping with other people and he said no and told me that he wants to have dinner with me soon and wants to talk about the two of us, where we're at emotionally and what we both want from the relationship. He said he thinks it's time to talk about us because things shouldn't be undefined any longer. He also told me that he really likes me, doesn't want me to go out with someone else and that he is interested in seeing where this goes. But: Sometimes he doesn't call me for days and doesn't show me that he's thinking about me and cares about me in any way. He also always sets up dates spontaneously and doesn't ask me in advance. He didn't call or text me today even though we had such a great time on the weekend. He has a very demanding job and works long hours but I'm still disappointed cause sometimes I don't hear from him in days. When we're together he's different and I feel that he really likes me. I just don't know what to make of that especially now that we're going to have the talk soon. It makes me very insecure. All I want are some little signs here and then. What do you think? Is this bad or normal?

I've been dating this guy for 2 months. I went on a 4 week trip a month after we met and I came back yesterday. All the time I assumed we are exclusive cause before I left I asked him if he's dating other people and he said no and also that he doesn't want me to go out with someone else while I'm gone. I know it wasn't a real exclusive talk (it was just too soon for that back then) but from what he said I assumed we were. While I was gone he told me how much he misses me and that he can't wait to see me again. So I came back yesterday. He asked me if I want to stay at his place and I did and we slept together (we also slept together before I left). He told me how happy he is that I'm back and he made plans what we're going to do in the near future. So this morning he left early, said goodbye to me very sweetly and went to work. I slept in and now I'm alone here. Well, I just wanted to throw something into the trash in his room when I saw a greeting card with a picture in it lying pretty much open on top of everything. I saw it was him with a girl so I just had to take a look at it. This girl tells him something like "let's get under the covers" and what a great time they had the last weekend and that she can't wait to see him again. She also said Merry Xmas so she sent that card after I left. There also was an envelope (looks like it was from that greeting card) with used condoms in it. It made me feel so sick when I saw that. I'm totally devastated right now. He told me to call him later today but my first thought was to get my stuff, get out of here and never call him again or return his calls. Maybe he didn't think we were exclusive yet so he wanted to have some fun before I came back but what about that stuff he told me about not wanting me to go out with someone else? He also said he knows that he has no right to ask me not to out with someone else so he won't try to and that he recommends we figure it out when I get back (the exclusive talk?). So does it look like he didn't think we're exclusive yet? What should I do now? I'm so disappointed because I already like him so much and he always seemed like he was serious about us. Should I just leave and never talk to him again or should I ask him if we're exclusive? I can't mention that I found sth in his trash, can I? On the other hand I have a right to know since we're sleeping together and it's a health issue. Thanks

Hi everyone! Ok, I'll try to make this as short as possible. I'm from Europe but I live in the States now. I went back to Europe a few weeks ago and I'm going back to the US next week. 3 weeks before I left I met a guy online. He is in his late 20s like me, seems very mature and has his life in order. He emailed me and did the pursuing. Our first date was at a coffee shop to get to know each other and then he asked me out on a dinner date for the following week. It was the best date I've ever had. He's sweet, charming, funny and seems sincere. There was a great attraction between us and after hanging out till very late at night I invited him in and in the heat of the moment we slept together (I played a very active role in getting there). I felt bad the next day and thought I had ruined everything but he sent me an email from work that it was the "best date ever". The next 2 weeks we continued to hang out (the physical stuff got reduced a little) and had a great time together. He introduced me to some of his friends and cancelled a weekend trip and another meeting to have time to see me. The day I left he came over to my place to say goodbye and he told me that he's going to miss me. Since he had said it first, I said that I'm going to miss him too. During those last 4 weeks we emailed each other a lot and I feel that we have gotten even closer on a mental level now. He gives me sweet pet names often and he seems interested in what I'm doing here. He also says a lot that he can't wait to see me again. Last week he asked me if he could call me and what a good time would be. After a few days of trying (he said there were some problems cause it was international) we finally talked a couple of days ago. It was a little awkward at first since we hadn't talked in a while but it got better very quickly and we had a very nice talk. He's already making plans for when I come back and talks about what we're going to do. He also told me a while ago that he isn't dating anyone and when I told him about a guy who is hitting on me here in Europe he told me that he really likes me and that he doesn't want me to go out with someone else but that he knows that he has no right to ask me not to (so he thinks we aren't exclusive yet). He said we should figure it out when I get back. Oh, and he also cancelled his online dating subscription shortly after I left. My problem is that I really like him and that I'm afraid of getting hurt. Usually I'm a pretty laid-back girl but recently I've gotten very paranoid. Well, he hasn't replied to my email from 3 days ago and I imagine him already dating someone else. This has happened before once or twice that he didn't email for a few days and after that he said that he was busy with his job (it's true, he does have a busy and demanding job that he's very serious about). And then there were times where he emailed me back within minutes and a few times a day, a few days in a row. So from the past weeks I should know that I should just chill, however, I'm going crazy. What is your impression? Am I falling for this guy too fast? Is he too good to be true? Does he sound like a sweet-talker to you? Am I just paranoid and irrational? I can't wait to see him again in a few days and all I want is to see him and kiss him and... but should I play it cool instead? Thanks!

Thanks everyone for your answers! You're totally right that I have the right to ask him since we slept together. And I know I just have to ask him if I want to find out how he feels. By the way, I didn't want to give the impression that I think everything is different and that there are tons of rules. It's mostly the fact that you guys have that concept of casual dating which is pretty unknown here and which makes me insecure. I think it's nice and practical in a way but at the same time it's very confusing to me. Here I never had to assume that the guys I've dated were also dating other people in the beginning. Usually I don't have to have an exclusive talk and it's just clear to both people that the other one would tell if it's NOT an exclusive thing cause when you're dating and start to bond and give the impression that you're interested (even in the early stages), this would normally be considered cheating. And now I'm feeling a little insecure with that guy which I usually wouldn't. It's just that I can't be sure that he isn't dating other people, too and that he maybe wants to keep his options open. I think someone who is used to the concept of casual dating would be totally ok with it but I would be hurt. I'm not jealous or clingy or anything. I just have to have that security that I'm the only one right now in order to even continue dating him and eventually build a relationship. It's just a cultural difference. You're right. The only way I can find out what he thinks is to ask him. It's just that I've often heard that it's uncommon to ask something like that after a very short time of dating and I'm worried that I might scare him away. I too think that it's weird to talk about that so soon and if it was a guy from here I wouldn't have a gf/bf talk with him until maybe 2 or 3 months into the relationship because I would be able to assume that I'm the only one he's dating anyway. Btw, I live over there. I'm just home in Europe for Christmas so it wouldn't be a LDR. Thanks!

Thanks everyone so far! I'm just worried that he might think I'm too pushy. We already talked about it before I left and at least he said that he isn't dating anyone and that he wants to go on more dates with me when I'm back. It wasn't an exclusive talk, though and that's why I'm insecure now that I'm so far away. It would be different if I were there now. I just don't want to sit here thinking about whether he's dating someone else right now but I also don't want to scare him. We've only been dating for 3 weeks after all. Any ideas on how I could ask him in a casual way?

Hey everyone, Please, fill me in on the American way of dating I'm from Europe and I just spent a few months in the US. I tried online dating for the first time cause I was curious. I wasn't really serious about it, though. However, three weeks before I left I met a real nice guy online. We really hit it off on our first date and we ended up sleeping together. I had never done this on a first date before and I felt pretty bad the next day and was worried that I had ruined everything. He called and e-mailed me every day after it, though and we went on more dates and got pretty close and opened up to each other. We get along great and are totally at ease with each other. I also told him that I had never slept with someone so quickly and we took it more slowly after that. We just hung out a few times where we just talked and had a real good time. He even invited me over to his place soon after that and introduced me to his roomates. Then I told him that I was going home soon for 3 weeks and he was sad and made an effort to have time on my last weekend. He also talked a lot about future things that he likes to do when I'm back and said that he's going to miss me. I was wondering how he sees the whole thing, though and I didn't want to leave without knowing. So even though I assumed that 2 weeks was too early according to the American dating rules, I talked to him about how funny this whole casual/exclusive dating thing is to me and how weird I think it is to date more than one person at a time. He said that he isn't dating anyone (he didn't say "..anyone else" though, is that bad ? ) and I replied that I'm not dating anyone either. He also said that he usually only dates one person at a time cause he wants to concentrate on getting to know that one person. So at least I had some peace of mind. I've been back home for a week now. We e-mail each other pretty often and he says a lot of sweet things. He also says that he misses me and that he can't wait to see me again, calls me sweetheart,etc. I was really happy being single before I met him and I didn't want to get attached too quickly but I think it has already happened. Usually I'm not the paranoid type and I'm very laid back but now I'm sitting here so far away, imagining him going out on dates with other girls already, and thinking that it's all fake. I know I should chill but I think it's because I like him. In Europe when you go on a few dates with someone and you start feeling close to each other, you're usually exclusive by default without having to have a talk and I have no idea how to handle this thing now and what to expect. Do you think he's serious? Is this too good to be true? (He took his profile down after we met, by the way.) Should I prepare myself for a heartbreak? Should I talk to him about our status? I don't want to seem pushy. I feel like I'm going crazy here. All I want is to know that he's serious and still wants to continue dating when I'm back. Thanks!

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I hope to get some advice cause I'm really confused right now. Here's my story: In October I broke up with my boyfriend after 5 years. He was my first real love and the first years of our relationship were the best years of my life. We had a long distance relationship cause we live 500 miles apart and we both went to college so moving wasn't an option back then. We saw each other every other weekend for 4 days, talked on the phone for hours each day between those weekends and spent our vacation time together. We handled that situation real well and we made the best of the time we had. The long distance thing wasn't ever really a problem for us. Our relationship was intense and we spent more quality time together than some couples that I know who live in the same place. It always was a very intimate relationship with a lot of trust and mutual understanding. However, our personalities are quite different and what used to be exciting and enriching in the beginning began to turn into problems as the years went by. He is a very sincere guy who needs emotional stability in a relationship and is pretty much satisfied with what he has in his life without wanting to reach for the stars. I'm someone who likes to experience life to its fullest, with ups and downs, which I just need in my life. My down times are never that bad. It's like I fail at something or can't achieve something but after a day or so I get up again full of new optimism and try again or concentrate on new things. He couldn't really handle that. He's a very caring person and when he saw that I was feeling bad he would try to comfort me and his compassion would make him feel bad as well to the extend that sometimes I was already back on my feet and he was still feeling down so that I had to comfort him and build him up. So the support he tried to give me didn't help me at all cause in the end it was mostly me who had to provide the positive energy and I never really could recharge my batteries in our relationship. So I started to turn to friends when I had problems cause I felt he couldn't handle those kind of things. So about 3 years into our relationship I started to grow a bit distant. I also went abroad for a couple of months and I realized that I didn't miss him as much as I thought I would. However, I still believed in our love and I did an internship where he lives for 3 months and moved in. It was the first time that we actually lived together and to me it was like a test. Well, we didn't do so well. We couldn't really overcome those problems. None of us was willing to compromise. I also have to say that it was practically only me who had problems. He was pretty much happy in our relationship. I on the other hand always tried to improve things and I wanted him to do things for me to show me his love (flowers, little romantic surprises,..) even though I KNEW that he loved me more than anything. It always was in the way he acted, looked at me, talked to me, and cared for me. He told me that he's just not the type of person who does those things. However, I couldn't stop wanting more, wanting something I knew he couldn't give me. I wasn't willing to compromise, I had that cheesy hollywood love image in my mind. As time went by I got more and more hurt. I just couldn't understand why he wouldn't do some of that stuff just to make me happy even though he couldn't understand why anyone would need something like that. It was really just little things that I was asking for. He knew I was unhappy but he wouldn't change anything. To him that was just superficial symbolic stuff. He was right of course, what's more important are the feelings behind that but after a while it was some kind of test to me. I thought why doesn't he do it just to make me happy no matter how stupid it is in his eyes? I thought what if I'm having a real problem one day? Will he go out of his way to help me? Can I really rely on him? In the back of my mind I knew I could but that didn't matter at that time and it became just a test to me that he continuously failed. I mean he loved me all the time and he is a very romantic person. He also did many sweet things but it was like you're asking for water and you get something to eat. Nice, but not what I wanted. I started to distance myself from him to show him that I wasn't happy anymore and to get him to take some action to show me that he cares. The problem was that the more I distanced myself, the less he did and he grew distant as well. During our last year together we had a lot of fights. Last summer I went abroad again for 5 months and during that time I decided to break up with him. I waited the whole summer to do it in person. So when I came back I broke up with him. He cried, I cried, it was sooooo hard. I told him that I just didn't want us to go on like that. What I didn't tell him was that I was hoping that maybe someday after some time apart we will get back together. I never stopped loving him. I still felt he was the one for me but I couldn't go on seeing our love die. Since then we talked on the phone every couple of days and we got along great. I had a little thing with another guy shortly after the break-up but it turned out that it was just a rebound thing. I didn't tell him about that cause I knew it would have hurt him. He had a couple of one-night-stands and I persuaded him to tell me all about it. I wanted to be like a buddy. Well, it was weird to hear about it but I wasn't jealous at all cause there weren't any feelings involved from his side. Last weekend I flew to him again for the first time after our break up. We are real good friends now, I felt that I was over him and we just wanted to have a good time together. It was like in old times. We got along great. We were like soulmates again, we always have been, but it has been a while since we felt that close. We talked a lot about the old times. One day we went to the movies and he held my hand and it wasn't awkward at all. It was totally clear for both of us that we aren't bf/gf anymore but those little things just happened and it was real nice. Ok, now comes the part that makes me mad beyond telling. Two weeks ago he kind of fell for a co-worker (she works in a different city though but same company so they've seen each other from time to time on business trips). She is totally in love with him. He knew the situation would hurt me so he tried to keep it all away from me. However, she sent him so many sms each day when I was there and it made me soooo jealous when I noticed he grabbed his cell phone to answer her the second I left the room. All the time I tried to act totally cool cause I wanted him to trust me and include me in everything. I just needed to know how serious that thing was. I got him to show me one of her e-mails and it sounded like they were close to starting a relationship. However, he told me that he's a little in love with her, too, but that he's not sure yet and that he doesn't want to be in another relationship for now. This girl is coming to visit him next weekend. I mean she's crazy about him and she'll probably try real hard to win his heart. I think chances are high that he will just give it a try since he likes her a lot, too. I totally wasn't prepared for that when I went to visit him and I cried a lot when he didn't see it. Now I'm back home and I feel totally lovesick. It feels like the last bridge is soon going to be burned and there won't be a way back. He told me I still mean a lot to him and that it was incredibly sad that we had to break up. We couldn't really figure out how it happened that our relationship went downhill. I mean our problems weren't that bad. Nothing that you cannot overcome. We had something that was so special and hard to find and we lost it because of stubborness and lack of willingness to compromise. We loved each other til the end and I just broke up with him cause I thought we both needed a breather. She's coming on Thursday and I can't just sit here and watch. This situation made me realize how much he still means to me. He's a great guy and a great boyfriend and someone that is so hard to find. He always cared about me, listened to my problems, was interested in my life, was sensitive and sincere. I know we had a lot of problems and we finally lost the fight but I can't just let him go. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about sending him a long e-mail and telling him about how I feel. I think he doesn't know how I feel and that I always loved him. What should I do? Is it selfish to interfere now that he is about to fall in love again? Would we be able to make it work if we got a second chance? Thanks so much! I'm happy about every opinion! (Sorry about the length)