the_tiger_striped_cat

These are really the same question once youu understand NC. NC is for you to heal and for your ex to think about things without your pressure. Most here would say don't contact them until you think you can talk to them with your emotions under control. Also, you shouldn't contact them unless they contact you. NC is not ignoring the person. You should read the primer here somewhere. I think it's entitled "So you want..." I think, I can't remember, it has about a bizilion posts. You can pick up right away or you can wait or whatever. You might want to err on the side of doing what makes them more likely to think you've moved on. Same thing with haning out with him. Now it's ok to hang out with him if your emotionally stable. But the other dager is ending up in friend zone. This is always the toughest call. Because sometimes they wouldn't tell you if they had feelings for you anyways. If they don't say so, they can always bail--it's plausable deniability. If they say something, you'll have more power and evidence to use against them. So you'll stradle the border between wondering if they just want to be friends or if they really are still interested in you. Since this line is thin and blurred you'll have to choose one side to err on. You can err on the side of avoidance and have them risk resenting you for avoiding them. BUt this way you KNOW you won't end up in friend zone. Actually this works good because you KNOW that someone that JUST wants to be your friend would rationally approach you one day and say, "I feel as if you're avoiding me, you know I still want to be your friend." If they never have this talk to you, you know they either don't care for you much or they still have feelings for you and are starting to resent you because you're avoidng them. I actually did this. My ex loved the rare times I saw her at school. She saw it as a sign that I still loved her, she smiled and was so happy that I loved her that much. But after enough time she didn't see the avoidance as me trying to heal, to forget my love for her, she saw it as evidence that I hated her. She felt as if I didn't care for her anymore. She really got mad, and although she wanted me to contact her, wanted me to spend time with her, she got more and more disapointed that I didn't contact her, and got more and more resentful. The other choice woudl be to err on the side of too much contact. (Remember you'll have to stay on the line between frienship and avoiding her.) This way you risk ending up in "friend zone." if she is with someone else I would advise against it. (I didn't do this because she was with her ex, so I pretty much ran for the hills.) But it MAY bring you two closer together and give you a chance to try again. But the other person has to be pretty willing to be a friend. I mean they have to be the one doing all the contacting, and you need to go along with that. You can't force your friendhsip on him or it just means that they don't have that romantic atachment to you anymore. Sorry aobu this long winded answer, hope it helps.

When you're making out with her just gently push her head down there. JUST JOKING!!!! This was a Sex and the City episode and it was hilarious!

Listen, if you JUST want to get LAID then I have two words for you: chat rooms you can meet girls that arn't easy or have slept around alot and you can be more outgoing. And about your first time not being speical. Don't worry. You won't be remineseing with your future wife about your first time ever, you'll be reminessing about the first time with her. Maybe women hold such a memory to high esteem, but men don't. (But it will never be a story you'll want to your wife.) It's whatever you think is more important: how special your first time is, or how old you were when you had your first time. But like the others said, this only applies to the case if you want to get laid. I know, I've been there too. But you shouldn't use sex for an emotional replacement. But trust me, either because you get laid, or maybe in spite of it, you'll realize that sex isn't the most important thing in the world. I can think of 3 or 4 girls I could have sex with with little work but I'm deciding to save myself for something more meaningful. (With one girl I'm having a hard time abstaining ).

Two words: arranged marriages

I'm going to ask my usual questions: Why did his marriage fail? What is his dating track record like? What is his relationship with his parents like?

Scout's right, this doesn't make any sense. If you have to SAVE to move in then you're either paying off debt or you PLAN that your expenses will exceede your income. He's not saying this as an excuse is he? I warn you. You should NEVER NEVER NEVER make this decision in terms of finances. I'm not just talking about myself. We've all been discussing the problems of moving in together before marriage, and if you move in together because it's softer on the wallet then you're in for a rough ride. And as for you spending all his time with you. I think it's a little different when you two actually have your own place. I don't know. The fact that he's 28 and was at his parents place and that he has to save up to get his own place really seems a little fishy. But someone posted a GREAT link here that you should research. Look through the commitment forum we've been discussing this recently. It said that 30% of couples marry the first year and 50% (or something) by the third. But of those that don't marry 1/5 breakup the first year and 40% breakup by the 3rd. good luck!

I agree. If you have to do any sort of manipulation--either demand that he commit (set a deadline) OR become a "doormat"--then I put little faith in the relationship. Personally, I think the more the man loves a woman, the more he'll want to get married. And as for those relationships that took 5 years and some coaxing but still seemed to have lasted. Well those relationships are 6 on a scale of 10 relationships. They fell for men that truly don't know how to love a woman. It's sad. There are guys like that out there, and I don't know if they can change.

This isn't totally true. Her parents may be eligible but they have to get on the ball! link removed FOR A GREEN CARD: link removed 1)Amnesty as listed above 2) you could marry her 3)if she can find a company that will sponsor her for a green card. 4) The lottery but it's offered to countries with low immigration. FOR A VISA--HOLD ON ONE STEP AT A TIME link removed It will be eaiser to get a green card if you have a visa (but I guess that's also hard) 5) Student visa

Well I think there are different types of comfort. There is the comfort that goes along with romance and love--a kind of security knowing he/she will always be there. But that's usually years after your already married and settled down. Then there's the comfort that women dread. It's the "I'm subconsiously (or worse consiously) looking out for someone better" comfort. It's the "I'm not going to marry you because we're already living together and I don't care to make that last step" comfort. It's the "I'm too scared to leave, too unhappy to stay" comfort. I had one friend with this "comfort" and finally she left because she saw that he obviously didn't care for her like she deserved. So I now I worry that he has commitment issues.

Mermaid I like your relationship! I'm either insanly jealous and envious or happy that relationships like yours exist!

By the way, since my first post was an unbiased opinion (I think) I'll give you my biased one. Mine went sour too. I hurt for 13 months. I didn't move. I wen't through hell. But I would do it all over again, with her or any other girl for the POSSIBILITY of falling in love.

Why is it not worth it? Because you may up forever happy and in love instead of eternally pesimistic and jaded--that's why!

The fact is we just don't know all the facts. He could of been a horny guy that just wanted some sex. OR she may have gave a passive "no" twice that he confused with "it hurts". Legally rape is defined if HE thought HE had consent, NOT her. And morally, there are a thousand circumstances whereby he may have done NOTHING wrong morally. (Just ask me and I'm sure I can make up a story for you.) This is obviously a story of two people (or at least one) that are in "love" and proabably arn't emotionally mature enough to be having sex. It's the "gentleman thing to do" to ask to have sex? She's asking if she should "love or hate" him? She doesn't push him off, she thinks the pain is natural (which it is at first) and she doesn't mention anything. She has to discuss it with her girlfriends to "decide" if it was rape. Rape is SERIOUS, and I can't believe we would group this case (and a long with a 4 year prison term) with all the other horrible rapes out there. Is it all the sudden that a girl has to mutter "no" once and it's suddenly rape NO MATTER WHAT? We don't even know the guys side of the story, and I think it's horrible that people hear the word rape and assume a death sentence for the guy.

You know this is a question that will take your entire life to understand. The meaning of life is like love, those who know it won't be able to explain it, and don't put faith in those who say they already know what the meaning of life is. I think you need to find this out for yourself: link removed But you should know this. The "meaning of life" depends on two things: life and the person Camus tells a story of the Myth of Sisyphus link removed Sisyphus is fated to roll a rock up the hill for all eternity, but he would not die. It' was not death that made his life absurd, so what was it? Tolstoy called this an "arrest of life." it's when we demand something of the world and the world does not deliver. Sisyphus's solution was to make the rolling of the rock up the hill his will. He couldn't change the world, but he could change how he views the world. If he made the rolling the rock up the hill his will then there would be no absurdity to life, no contridiction. If his meaning of life was just rolling that rock then he's found his meaning to life. Now an Existentialist in your position, like Sarte would say, "I know life doesn't have any meaning, but living in this purposeless life will be my meaning." "I'm going to embrase the benign indifference (Sarte's words)." I'm probably not explainging this well, but some people find this empowering, others find it lacking. But the Existentialist all have this feature in common. Kierkeggard for example realized that life had no meaning, but he said something like, "I need something I can live and die for. There is nothing I can live and die for in this world--sunsets, love, childbirth, diet, traveling, beauty--these are all just amount to particles and body chemicals. I need something I can live and die for, so I choose God." Augustine did soemthing similar. But there are MANY MANY MANY more viewpoints on this. I don't think you'll get much info here because none of us are experts. But there is sooooo much more to say. Buddist thought is completely different, and many people, like Schopenhauer, who almost advocated sucide found solace in Buddism. Good luck in your quest, it will take a lifetime.

Ok take everyone advice seriously. BUT know this: something like 40% of couples (don't quote me on this) meet in the workplace. I also had a bad experience. It's really hard when it goes sour. Seeing her everyday was hell. For 13 months the pain dragged on until she moved away, and then it got better. If you do date her you need to breakup early or make sure it lasts. You better have an out plan. Could you quit your job? Could you be transfered to another building/town? Any chance at love is a risk, and this maybe a bigger risk. Like I said many husbands and wifes do meet at work: link removed Love is always a gamble. Dating someone from work may make it more of a gamble. There is more risk. But you could come up big. Only you can decide if you want to put your chips down.

Some yawing is natural. One theory behind yawning is that you have an excess carbon dioxide and lack of oxygen in the blood. This happens if you workout. So it maybe natural. But as what to eat. Your preworkout meal should be something moderatly high in carbohydrates, it should be too many calories, and it shouldn't be digested prior to workout (2 hours?). If you want an energy boost, diluted fruit juice or something high in sugars can be consumed with ample time to enter your blood stream (30 minutes?) Maybe that will help. Experiment and see what works for you.

Good point Ellies. But if you had two guys, one same age, one older, same maturity level. Everything else the same. Don't you think that on average women will pick the older guy with more often (I'm talking about 2-6 years older I gues)? And what does this say about their childhood? I'm wondering what her relationship with her father was like.

From what I can tell you're money baby. But be carful. If she comes on strong, and wants to get back together she better end it with him soon. In court you have direct evidence and circumstantial evidence. From what I can tell you only have circumstantial evidence that she wants to be with you (but then again, she's not really in a position to give you direct evidence). Cricumstanial evidence allows for plauable deniability. If you confront her she can deny any of the "signs" that you've received, "I meant love as a friend," "those were just friendly kisses," you know, all that BS. But either way I think you have a pretty good case that she is still interested in you. But like I said, she better dump the other guy fast. The longer she waits, the more she strings you along, the more she wants to have her cake and eat it too, the more she has both of you, the more indecisive she becomes. So if after a specified time she doesn't come around, and you're sick of being stuck in limbo, you should start NC. Show her that she can't string you along.

I know what you mean. Sometimes I just want to tear someone apart to teach them a lesson. It's a very interesting question. We want life to be fair, we all want some cosmic law system that gives everyone their just deserts. There are a lot of things you can do. I hope you consider all of them. 1) there's a alt revenge newsgroup out there that I wont point you to because I don't want you to do this 2) But since I gave you that much info listen to this. You need to realize taht the fact that you want retribution so badly speaks volumes about your psychology. I don't think revenge is a good idea, but maybe a sublimating response would be to beat them all by becoming better than them. And that includes not resorting to revenge where they would probably restort to revenge. 3) These desires of yours are completely dependent on you. There are some people in the world--like Buddist monks--that would simply change their will, just decide, "I don't want revenge any more." Easier said than done, but there are some people that are able to do this. I wish I was one of them.

What kind of women like older men? Does it say anything about her psychology? her childhood? Looking for some female insight.

We're talking about language and law here--It's never that easy: link removed And this is why it would never hold up in court. I wasn't there, so I'm sure I don't have all the facts, but from what she is telling us there's a good chance that he didn't do anything morally wrong, esp. if he missunderstood. But a safe word would be a GREAT idea.

lady is right. If you love your kids you can STILL raise great kids. It just takes A LOT OF research and hard work. I wouldn't stay together for the kids. I think Blink 182 wrote a song about this about this.... .link removed

Yeah I hope you didn't mean a dozen times a day. Women communicate via the bonds they form. She SHOULD open up with you at least some times if you ask her how she's doing or how was her day. If she gets annoyed she has some problems she needs to deal with. The only thing that beats an honest, "How are you feeling," is an honest, "What can I do to make your life happier."

Ok maybe I said a few things wrong. Check it out: link removed.viewArticle&ArticleID=913&page=1 -Absense of "no" is not consent. -Even saying "yes" under certain circumstances can be seen as not concenting. For example if it's forced. -BUT it's not rape if he thought it wasn't rape. That is, it's not rape if he too thought that her "no" was referring to the feeling rather than the act itself. So if he thought he didn't need to stop if he made it feel better, then this wouldn't constitue rape. Replace that "no" with an "ouch" and it definitely isn't rape. I don't know. It seems like a hard call. But either way, I doubt it would hold up in court with phrases like "should I love him or hate him?" "I realized a month later that I was raped," "I thought it was natural" etc. I mean how is he supposed to know if it's rape if she doesn't even know.

Yep. She's gone. She was expecting it for days. So I sent it. She read it. Seems like she stared at it for a little bit, but I told her not to respond. I've dragged this on for 13 months. I didn't put that word "stupid" in there either. When I saw her when she left me (before this) she was very defensive--nothing like other girls who didn't have feelings for me. I really think she still had some feeling for me, but not enough to keep her here. And now she's moving to be with a commitmentphobic guy that wouldn't move to be with her, didn't visit her on valentines day, didn't visit her on their anniversary, had her get a cell phone to call him, over a year only came to see her about 5 times, and who she argues with all the time. He will never love her like I do, like she deserves. But as my female friend said, "Give it a couple of YEARS, maybe he'll blow it for the last time and she'll think of you." So I guess I'll have that hope in the back of my mind for a long time, because circumstance was the only think that kept us appart. If I was more experienced, if I came first, we would be married by now. Funny how life can be so unfair sometimes. But time to move on. At least I can prove to myself that she made the biggest mistake of her life. Time to become the man of her dreams and attract another girl just like her . Thanks eveyrone for your support.