the_tiger_striped_cat

Did you ever stick your arms out and spin and spin and spin? Well that's what love is like. Love is when reality is better than the dream. It's everything it's cracked up to be. It's worth dying for that's why people are so jaded about never finding it. It is at the same time a handfull of body chemicals and a million adjectives. But I've always thought this of love, "Keep away from the authority who tells you what love is and what it is not. No authority knows and he who knows cannot tell. Love, and there is understanding." And although you'll never really know what love is, you'll realize what love is not, realize that there are many types of love. You'll learn that their are many "signatures" of love. Humans form a special attachment to people that they call love. But later in life you might look back at that time and say to yourself, "I wasn't really in love back then." Love isn't a definite state. It starts off very small--the love of a friend for example--and depending on the circumstances can grow more and more powerful. But this is not love. This is just the way it works. You can't really define love.

Good for you. So few people believe in this these days. Their hearts become hardened, and they become jaded. I, like you, will believe in this type of *no matter what* love until the day I die. And the moment before I die I will smile, because I didn't let the world destroy how I love. I wish the best for you, and I hope it all works out in the end.

1) 4.5 months 2) 13 months of hell and going. (But maybe I love harder than most.) I'll wait for speed dating at my university before I start again.

I answer DEFINITELY NO, or mabye a better answer is, NOT ALWAYS. If you have a 10 year connect, no way are you going to lose your feelings for them that fast. If you were only together for a month you don't have as much as an emotional connection. Do you believe that people can love two people at once? Many, many times people truly have to get over someone before moving on to someone else. Sure they say, "the only cure for a woman is another woman." So you probably need another woman to move on, BUT it also takes the right woman and lots of time. Sometimes people will leave something better to try "one last time" with an ex (take my case). In my case my ex went back to her ex. I have enough evidence that she still had feelings for me even though she was with him that it would probably hold up in court. But she still had feelings for him, she knew him 4 years to my one and dated him for a year and broke up twice and only dated me 4.5 months before he came begging for her back. Compound this with the fact that he was her "first love" and there's pretty much nothing I could of done. The only way I would get a second chance is if he blows it or after a long time she realizes a few things. But if getting over an ex was that easy we wouldn't have phrases (which you can search google for): "back to my ex" "rebound relationship" "one last chance with him" "both dated in the interm" So no it's not that easy. Depending on how much of an emotional attachment she has with you I'm sure she still thinks about you. That doesn't mean you will get back together, but then again, it doesn't mean you wont. One of the ultimate brute fact excuses that the optimists will always have over the pessimists on here--and which the pessimists have little reply are the phrases "after enough time" AND "feelings change" good luck.

Why don't you make it a condition. "I have some problems, and we have some problems. If you want to make this work we should try couples therapy."

Only had time to skim your post. Sorry. It was a little long. I wouldn't think she has OCD, again sorry if I missed the point. But the fact that she got defensive about snooping on him seems to say that she is still attached to her ex. If you love her, and if she loves you, maybe you should consider letting her go and let her understand herself. Women (and probably men) are like this. You can't legitimently start a relationship without ending the old one. She may care for you deeply, but you don't want to have all these "what ifs" running around in her head. When she does come back after realizing her true feelings, or letting them eventually die, you might want to consider tharpy for the both of you, espically if your worried about OCD. But phrase it in the way that makes to seem that you are dedicated to the relationship and you both have things to work on. Sorry, not much help, but good luck.

Well I usually hate it when people assume common sense, but I thought that was common sense. Ever see the episode of Sienfield where Jerry gives Elane cash. You shouldn't even do it to close friends let alone someone you really like. She'll get over it. Just admit to her you're immature and have a lot to learn.

Be careful! I'm always skeptal of the one day "I'm healed!" posts. The way it shoudl work is each day you wake up you hurt a little less until one day you don't hurt at all. Maybe you have much, much more mature psychological defense mechanisms than the rest of us. Or you could be creating a reaction: Learn more about "reaction formation" here link removed I'm not saying this is not possible. But most people who can get over someone in a blink of an eye miss out on an important part of the greiving process. Most on here will SLOWLY forget about their ex. But it is good news either way.

Anyone ever break up after moving in with someone? If so how long did you live together? What do you think broke you up? Did moving in together accelerate it or have anything to do with your breakup? If you're currently living with someone. How long have you lived together? Did he/have you popped the question yet?

link removed I don't think that he knows what it means. Maybe he's trying to be cute. But why didn't you ask him?

1) How often do you talk on the phone? 2) How often do you argue? 3) What do you argue about? 4) Any way to tell the difference between arguments because of distance, and "normal" arguments?

Agreed. But that's not what I'm asking--Sorta a topic change. REMEMBER PLAYING DEVILS ADVOCATE HERE!!: Why should you care about that? You shouldn't make anyone do anything they don't want to. What if she gags? What if she doesn't like the taste/texture? What if it grosses her out? These are all excuses giving for swallowing which can be equally applied to bjs. Just trying to flush out the double standard.

Playing devils advocate here. To all the die hard, "he better go down on me" advocates, what's the difference between the obligation that a man should go down on a woman, and a woman swallowing? And believe me we sure swallow a lot of the stuff ourselves going down on girls. I think men should go down on women if it pleases their partner, and same goes for swallowing.

Briana, I agree with what you said about pushing love away. But be careful, becasue people can love more than one person, and love can fade. You may push them so hard that they won't want you back "for years" and by that time they have moved on or fell for someone else. The other thing is whenever someone says "we broke up 5 times" I think to myself "this is not going to work." The more you break up the more likely it's not going to work. I know one couple who broke up 4 times and are now married. But this is extremely rare, and I don't know of any couple who broke up 5 times and are happy together. I think if you broke up more than once you're pushing your luck. So I think you should do what he says anyways. I know you want to be his friend, but the fact that you broke NC shows that you're not ready yet. First of all, you can NEVER be a true friend with someone you love romantically. It just doesn't work like that. You're going to be hoping for something more and that is not friendship. You really should try and date other people and grow more, give it a couple of years, maybe you'll find someone else, or maybe you can both approach the relationship with more of a maturity later in life. Good luck.

This has and will be discussed on here many times. On one hand you don't see all that many success stories on here do you? But if you poll relationships you'll see that many people do go back to an ex. I for example can think of: -One couple broke up 4 times and is getting married -One couple broke up 3-4 times and stayed apart -Two couples broke up to think things through. There are many people out there. For example, my ex went back to her who she knew for 3 years. She's went back to him once before we met too. Even googling for these highly specific phrases: link removed link removed reveals it does happen. But think about it. People establish a fairly deep emotional connection with someone when they date. You share a very unique experience. This conection--or maybe we should call it an addiction--is very hard to break. This will compel people to go back into bad relationships when they shouldn't be there. And this emotional baggage is enough to ruin future relationships. All things equal, wouldn't you go back to someone you were emotionally attached to rather than a stranger? So why don't we see more success stories on here. (Search the forums fo r "sucess" and you'll see a few threads that will give you hope.) Basically you go through a fighting stage and a giving up stage. Many people stop coming to this forum. They will move on. But sometimes that's when the ex starts calling. And many don't come on to post that they got back with their ex. This forum will only show you the people who arn't getting back with their ex. It's the biggest topic on this forum. But you wouldn't expect to have a "regular" who is someone who got back with their ex. So we have to see the couples who are appart, but we don't have to see the ones that are together. But the chance is still pretty low. It depends on the circumstances of course, but we have tried to estimate an actual percentage on here. Search for "percentage" on the forum.

1) 4.5 months 2) 13 months 3) Went back to her ex because she still had feelings for him. 4) 25 male

How about an informal survey. Keep the responses very short. If you do need to explain something post it below the answers. Just asnwer these questions: 1) How long were you with your ex? 2) How long has it been since the breakup? 3) Why do you think you two broke up? 4) Your age

Hmm. this is a hard one. If she does come back to you she will look weak. I'm sure she's worried about that too. If she's done it before she might do it again. BUT THIS IS VERY DANGEROUS. My rule is that if any couple breaks up more than once then there's a very good chance that this relationship shouldn't be. If she does come back it's only because she wants to be with you, but she's not getting her way. Now I'm not going to put this all on her. Are you sure you don't have any commitment issues yourself. It seems a little odd for her to blow up all the sudden when it's just 6 months away. If you both do get back together you both REALLY need to be dedicated. If you really are compatable, you should both consider therapy.

Yeah dizzy is sort of a jerk about this, like he's been hanging out in some of the usenet forum. Basically BG's post really hit home with dizzy. BG is indirectly attacking dizzy's core beliefs. I do agree with diz on some of the things we said though. If we can all respect eachother enough to debate something then mabye we could get clearer on our own views. Because I too think that there are MANY things wrong with BGs notions. But I think this forum is more about helping people heal. So in that vain let me say this: BG you are right. You may very well get back with your ex. But MAYBE you're deep in denial. It's a very common defense mechanism. You talk about "free will" and you talk about KNOWING that you're ex will come back too. This seems scary to most. Plus it's a little odd. Free will is without constraints, if you ever KNOW that they will come back to you then how can their will be free. You've just made it so that they will come back to you, so that it is not possible that they could of done otherwise--that is definitely not free will. The optimistic life is good. Just be careful. If you don't prepare for the worst you'll have no idea how to cope when things don't go your way.

How long has it been since your dad died? I think it would be a VERY bad idea to call her under these circumstances. Talk to a priest, talk to a theripist, but don't talk to her about this. I really think your emotions from your dad are spilling over to your feelings for her. Do you have ANY other family that knew your dad? It will be ok.

Ok first of all. They really try to scare you in SEX ED. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS USE PROTECTION and be very careful. The best thing to do is not to sleep around. But let's be completely honest about this. The HIV/AIDS rate in america is about 0.6% (link removed) so that's 6 people out of every 1000 you know, or you can say you have about a 0.6% chance of sleeping at random with someone who has HIV/AIDS (not necessarily contracting). You know what else they say in sex ED, "The AIDS virus can pass through a condom." They talk about how small the virus is, and it's so stupid how they try to scare kids. The AIDS virus cannot pass through a condom. See: link removed And sadie said something that also hasn't been compltely proven. Many doctors are stupid. If they don't read up on the current research they can have knowledge from the 60s depending on how old they are. Besides they're also following the CDCs lead. To quote another source, "There have been claims that a small number of people have been infected with HIV from performing oral sex on an infected partner, but these claims are disputed in the scientific community and have yet to be proven conclusively. Oral sex is considered a very low risk activity, since it has been shown that both saliva and stomach acid have antiviral properties which kill HIV. Nevertheless, it is usually recommended not to take semen into the mouth. The use of condoms (or dental dams for cunnilingus) further reduces the potential risk." And also check out: link removed check it out: link removed I'm not going to lie to you. There may be some risk. It's DEFINITELY lower risk then sex proper. And if you want to play the odds, that's up to you. Personally I do, but I only sleep with people that I trust. Maybe I shouldn't play the odds. But I'm not going to lie to you--people really don't know how risky it is.

I dont agree with vicki. First of all they're usually called slow and fast twitch muscle fibers (type I and IIA and IIB). Secondly, depending on how you train you can recruit more and more of a specific type. You SHOULD see gains. How much to you weigh? How long have you been doing these push ups? I really don't have enough info to know what MIGHT be wrong. My guess is that you're just not giving it enough time.

There's a rule in nerology: "If you're worried about having alzhimers, you don't have alzhimers" People who have it don't worry about it BECUASE they have it. Similarly, "If you're worried about hating your sister, you don't hate her." I mean can you REALLY think of someone who hates someone AND AT THE SAME TIME is WORRIED about it??? I don't think this ever happens. Trust me. When you hate someone, your thoughts are filled with wishing they were dead, not wondering if you hate them. You just feel guilty for your arguments, and you're trying to understand these feelings because you subconsciously know they aren't good feelings. Your sister will grow up. And you'll love her more and more the more that you two mature. Cherish it! I would have loved to have a sister!

John, I've been skimming your posts for a while. I want to ask you a few things. Was she your first real relationship? I'm at the age you were when you started dating her (my first real relationship too) and I'm having about as hard a time with my breakup as you are having with yours. I mean when men reach their thirties they have had a few breakups, but you didn't have this chance. I want you to realize--if you can take advice from someone 10 years younger than you --that there are MANY men at your age that wouldn't be doing the things that you're doing. I think that you were with her for so long that you are essentially acting as a 25 yr old would act after a breakup, you haven't had the bitterness and training that many guys get after a few breakups. It's true that you want to know what's going on with her. Hell I'm doing the same thing. But I haven't drove by her work. But then again maybe I did some things worse than what you have done so far. I agree completely that that big 1-0 will get you to do things that most here wont even dream up. I just want you to be careful. What you are doing is called an enabler. I have mine. This mail of her's, driving by her house. It's keeping you from moving on. I'll tell you this much. If she comes back soon you are NOT READY to talkk with her. You will not show any confidence, you will not look attractive in her eyes. You need to move on and forget about her so that when she comes back you will be irresitable in her eyes. Good luck

nice guy is such a weak term. Let me tell you that a "nice guy" in not necessarily a man who Gives flowers to women on a monthly basis (not regularly). Opens doors for her and be a gentleman. Writes poetry to her and letters of proclamation of love. Is the most romantic/loving man she has ever met. These people do not NECESSARILY suffer from "nice guy syndrome." The key has always been confidence. There are three types of women: 1) Women that would stay with a nice guy who lacked confidence 2) Women that would stay with a nice guy who had confidence. 3) Women that would still stay with a real **sh*** So it does depend on the girl. There is not much you can do about women of type 3. Not only do some women like confident guys, some women actually like guys who treat them like jerks (like abusive bfs). Girls can get addicted to a guy as easily as a guy can get addicted to a girl. But many times it is the guys fault. Female friends of the guy will say things like, "He is such a nice guy, he has such bad luck--but I wouldn't date him, he's not my type." This is a "nice guy." If you extrude confidence in a, "I know that I'm better than any man out there and you are luckily to find someone like me" attitude then the fact that you are extremely romantic and put her first can ONLY help to make you great person in her eyes. If she does leave you, it's not because you're one of those "nice guys" it's because she has serious problems. So how do you show confidence? Now women will tell you all the qualities they want in a man: humor, romance, intelligence, attractiveness, can communicate well. And they may even admit that they like confident men, but they can't tell you why it's such a turn on to them. You see we have to appeal to their subconscious/ primal needs. They ideally also want a man that: -can protect them -is strong -can provide for them -will make a good father -is mature Now you can have all the conscience desires but if you lack something she desires subconscious she will be drawn away from you. Now many of these primal desires are inferred by many to be qualities of a confident man. So you can make her desire you on an entirely different level. Now the biggest mistake many make are to come on too strong too soon. It's completely OK to tell her how you would die without her, or you couldn't live without her. But you wouldn't do this on the first date woudl you? She needs to be assured of your confidence, your strength in yourself before she's willing to listen to your romance. This is why women will dump "nice guys" real fast, and keep the confident (yet not romantic guy) for a long time. This confidence is almost a prerequisite to what they desire on a more conscious level. But they will keep the confident man who is only sometimes romantic for a lifetime. It's a hard thing to do. And it's almost weird at times. It's like females have a built in primal sense to know when a man really is a strong man. So you need to project an aura of confidence. Good luck guys.