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Athena

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Everything posted by Athena

  1. Athena
    Hi Brit, Sounds like you've been on one heck of an emotional rollercoaster ride. Let me ask you something, you mention "having come this far", What is your perception of where you guys are at this point? -A
  2. Athena
    Bravegirl openly admits that she hasn't been spending time on the relationship. For me it doesn't surprise me too much that he might start talking to someone else. That's what people will do when they are not satisfied in a relationship. My suggestion is, if you really want this relationship to grow, you need to understand and be willing to fulfill what his needs are (and he yours). If I understand it correctly, he is saying that he needs to spend more time together. If you are really care for him and want to be with him, you have to believe that he is telling you the truth. So agree to spend more time with him. THEN, when you are holding up your end of the deal, if he still wanders, you know that you have done what you can to make the situation work. I think its about how much effort do you want to put into this and do you love him enough to trust him. -A
  3. Athena
    That is going to be so fun! Michael you make sure you have yourself the time of your life! It's the city of sin so ... be careful ... -A
  4. Athena
    Be careful with the heart of the one you are with. Did you call him or did he call you?
  5. Athena
    Hey Michael, This board is amazing isn't it! It's a real source of strength and support. I was in Vegas in 2000. It's a great place! There are great shows - I saw the Cirqu De Soule which was awesome. I'm not much of a gambler or a party-er so ended up renting a car and driving out to the Hoover Dam which was AMAZING (I'm in civil engineering so it was interesting for me to see). I continued on to the Grand Canyon too. Vegas is a great town. Where are you staying? -A
  6. Athena
    Hi UK Guy, I'm sorry that those confusing messages are causing your heart to wonder and ache. We can only speculate what is actually going on with here, and all we can do is offer our own experiences. With the information you collect, you will need to decipher whats actually going on with her. 7 weeks is a very short time to be out of a break up, especially with a relationhsip that broke up because of circumstance and not bad actions, it takes time to figure out what to do with all those feelings. They don't just go away the day you breakup. They are still there and it takes a while for us to reorganize them. My experience was similar to yours, break up as a result of circumstance and not a problem relationship. He would call often the first couple months, and still regard me as his "babe" and there was still "Love you" at the end of the call/text. And he talked about missing the physical intimacy we shared. And he reminisce about our very romantic holiday just months before the breakup. There is no doubt she still has feeling, but it's really not about that. It's safe to assume that is a given. The question is what is it that she plans on doing with those feeling. Remember, she had those feelings when she broke up with you. -A
  7. Athena
    Michael, Oh boy do I know what you mean. I know I am not telling you anything you don't know, but, it's for that reason, that it's important to not share with them, (i.e. no contact) until the roller coaster of emotions is flattened out. When my ex and I first broke up (7 months now), he used to say the same thing, that "one day we will get back together". For a couple months I believed him and he kept me hanging on, riding that emotional rollercoaster. I know you miss her and I sense you love her more than anything you ever have. I know you are willing to do anything to work this out with her even put yourself through hell. I have a feeling if you do see her, you will be back to square one again as well. I think to a certain extent you ARE reprogramming your brain to not love her like you did and to stop the missing feeling. I don't think you should be faking that you don't love her, I don't think that is good. But I do think that you should be thinking about how to honestly move out of love with her - it's do-able, I've done it with a person who I knew for sure was the one for me. I told him a couple months after he broke it off, that I could not have contact with him for a while because I had to get out of love with him - and that's what I did. The fact that he wasn't willing to stop that process is what gave me the strength every day to keep moving. I think seeing her will be hurtful for you. There's no real need for you guys to see one another. Her rational is poor at best. Like I said, one doesn't need to physically see the other in order to resolve unsrue feelings of "do I love him or don't I" that's crap. She may be confused, she may still love you - but there is STILL something in her head that is causing her to hesitate. It's the same thing that caused her to leave. She may not know what it is herself, but there is something there and she should not be using you as tool to try and figure out what it is. My thoughts on what to do when you are unsure about what to do is, DON"T DO ANYTHING. Be still and Wait until you have the answer. (Psalm 27:14) -A
  8. Athena
    Hi Michael, I read alot of your posts and your advise to others and just wanted to say that I like your advise, think you are an intelligent, strong person and we are lucky to have you here giving us your thoughts. I'm just going to toss this out there and let you do what you will with it.... do you think that someone needs to physically "See" the other person in order to determine if they have feelings for them? -A
  9. Athena
    I thought the movie was excellent. I've always understood that Jesus the sin-less, died for us and for our sins, but I honestly did not understand the degree of suffering that he actually endured. I cried the entire time from when they began to punish him till he finally died. I got home and sobbed for 20 minutes. It is a fact that Jesus lived. The questions (for some) is whether or not he was who he claimed to be - the son of God. The facts are that the people of Jerusalem did want him killed - those are facts. I do not understand why Jewish people would take offense to the movie for conveying the truth of what happened. It's no different than telling the story of the holocaust - that is who the people of Germany were AT THAT TIME. I saw the movie with a friend who is not very spiritually connected and his response to it was that it was dark and uninspiring. My could not have been more the opposite. I found it to be heart lifting and incredibly inspiring. Needless to say we had a quiet ride home. Jesus was a sinless man who sacrificed himself at the hands of brutal men so that we could fall in grace with the lord his father. What you see Christ going through in that movie was so that, when we do something dishonest and unloving, he can say to God, "Dad, forgive him/her" and what gives him the authority to say that to God is the sacrifice he made that day in Jerusalem. He got up when he could have stayed down - and he did so WE could be saved. Tell me what is NOT inspiriing about that....... -A
  10. Athena
    Hi S,H, I'm so sorry for you hurting heart. As I was reading her letter to you, a few things went through my mind. First was that it's so sad to me that people will decide to tell why they are unhappy AFTER they leave. It seems to me that if you have two people who love and care about each other, that those things could have been worked out if she would have told you about them. The second thing that came to me was that I think you are fortunate that she told you exactly what the problem was. Granted sooner rather than later would have been better, but, I think it's good that she at least told you what the problems were. So often it seems that people get broken up with and walk away not knowing what the heck the problem was - it can be very frustrating. Third thing was that I thought she was doing OK.... up until she started going on about the new guy. I thought that was unnecessary information and still don't understand why she would have done that - that was very hurtful. I'm not sure what you are looking for right now as far as what you should do from here. I think you have to go with the fact that she is gone, the relationhship is over, and you have got to IMMEDIATELY start thinking and doing what is right for YOU. I agree with you about the dog. She left - she is no longer entitled to time with the dog. Her doing that will be very difficult on you and I would not put yourself through that just so she does not have to suffer missing the dog. Tell her to get her own dog. So what do you need right now? -A
  11. Athena
    Hi Nancy, I've experienced a similar situation and my advise is to take what he is telling you to heart. Don't assume that you can change him to want a committed relationship. It's quite possible that that may develop, but to assume and EXPECT that will happen, will be a mistake for you. My advise is, decide what is right for YOU based on what he has SAID. It sounds to me that he wants intimacy (emotional, perhpas physical) but does not want the responsibility that goes along with that. If that's what you want too, then there will be no problems. Thing is, from the way you describe your feelings for him, I don't believe that you are going to be OK with intimacy and no commitment. You are going to be expecting more and, as of right now, he has removed himself of any responsibility to you with regard to that. Bear in mind that he could possibly change his mind, but the likelyhood, from the information you have RIGHT NOW, is that that he won't. And, if in fact, it never changes to what you want it to be, you will have put alot into, and given alot of yourself without the outcome you hope for. We have to LISTEN to what people are saying to us. So often we read into action, behaviors, what is said, what is not said. I think you are venturing into dangerous emotional territory is you assume something different than what he is presenting to you. So often, women complain of men who they get involved with, who won't give them the commitment they want. Many of them will say, that if guy were honest with them upfront and TOLD them that they weren't interested in a committed relationship, they would never have gotten involved. He is being HONEST with you, consider yourself fortunate that he didn't just take what he needed from you under a cloak of possible committment. Keep it as friends and don't allow yourself to move emotionally into an arena where he has TOLD you he has no desire to go right now. Him getting over fears is up to him. He has not asked you for help. You have to assume that where he is, is where he wants to be, and nothing you have told us indicates to me that he wants to 'saved'. It sounds to me that you want to 'save' him for YOUR sake. He sounds like he needs a good friend. That is what I am hearing from him. -A
  12. Athena
    Lovely, Those feelings of the familiar and the predictable are all comforting, even when the familiar and predictable make us feel bad - it's an odd phenomenon isn't it. I'm so sorry for your hurtinh heart. Know that your hurt is expected for what you've been through. You are suffering from many emotional blows. I think regardless of whether you want him back, or, if you don't, no contact at this point seems in order. Maybe you could give YOURSELF some of that love and attention that you have so generously given to him. I am sure that you will appreciate it ALOT more than he has. And take the time to think about what it is that you want and need from this point forward. -A
  13. Athena
    That's an interesting way to describe what you are feeling. After your rush happens, do you feel your muscles in your groin contracting? -A
  14. Athena
    I think it's important for you to be upfront and honest about where you are at feeling-wise, and what you want from him. Don't misidentify the repression of your feeling as being normal prerequisite compromise hidden under the cloak of being curteous or "non pressuring". Just lay it out. What's the sense in beating around this bush? Lets face it, either he wants what you want, or he doesn't. If he doesn't - find that out as quick as possible. Otherwise you are going to be chasing after something that you will never catch. Look at his behavior for what it is. We've all been in that situation with that person where we thought WE were the one who was going to change his ways. The end of that story is always the same. -A
  15. Athena
    Hi Leso, My take on it is this, "Forgive me for doing this to you" means she is looking for forgiveness for hurting you. I think that is a very normal reaction for the dumper. I think you are reading into that message that she wants to get back together, and I would just caution you about doing that. If someone wants to get back together they will say "I want to get back together". And if they are being ambiguous out of fear - it's there turn to dig in and find away to overcome that. I think you should hold steady with the no-contact. It sounds like she does need to get to mail and "Stuff". Let her know via email or through her sister that you will make sure she gets her mail - you don't need to see her to do that - you can mail it to her or give it to her sister. As far as a response goes, I would not get into whether or not you forgive or not forgive or are mad or aren't mad. She's dealing with guilt - and trying to eleviate her guilt feelings - let her work that out on her own. I'm not a person who hold grudges and believe in forgivness, but my concern here is you will be extending yourself to help her feel better, which in the end is going to cause you more pain. If she wanted to get back together - believe me you would know that. I don't believe her statement was about you or your relationship, I believe it was about her. -A
  16. Athena
    I agree with H&P. I don't quite understand what about this person is causing you feel love? He is not showing you love. Look at it from this perspective; we can all agree that when we approach a situation, it's risky to assume that things will change. We have to accept what the other person puts on the table, as the way things will be. They may change - but we should not make major decisions assuming that they will. So the question to you is, is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? Have you EVER felt secure with this guy? Has he ever managed to convince you that he will never let you go? And more importantly, are you willing to spend the rest of your life unsure about being loved? I think you are in love with something ouotside of HIM. I'm not sure what that is - maybe just not being alone - I don't know. In all fairness, your question is about getting him back. Lovely, getting him back is easy. Be there when ever HE wants to be with you, be willing to put up with being pushed aside when someone else catches his attention, be willing to take him back when those girls go away and be OK with this going on for however long - do all that and he is YOURS, and frankly that's because no one else will want him. -A
  17. Athena
    If I were her, I would have second thoughts about getting involved with someone who felt hatred at me because of the circumstance that you described.
  18. Athena
    I think that if you truly want your relationship to survive and thrive, you HAVE to let it go and you HAVE to trust him. Not trusting him will destroy your relationship. I know what you've experience has rocked your world, but you haven't toppled. A couple of positive things that I see in what you have described. First of all, he was honest with you about it all. Although the message was a bit tough to hear, it's a good thing that he was honest about what he was feeling. Second thing is that he was able to resolve his internal conflict by looking back to the love that YOU share with him - that is huge! I know it's hard, but really when it comes down to it, all we ever really have is hope and faith. Keep your stock there. -A
  19. Athena
    I'm confused about what happened that made you so angry. What was it she said/did to make you hate her for a time? -A
  20. Athena
    I'm confused about how this all came about. Can you expand upon, "because in a way she wanted me to ask her out,". What do you mean by "in a way"? -A
  21. Athena
    Hi Kantore, I think testing the waters to try and come to some conclusion about something is fine. But, something that needs to be kept in mind - and I think this is where we go wrong - is that the very nature of what you are about to do is putting you at risk of things not going the way you want them to. You need to understant and accept that as the nature of the beast. So what do you do with that? Well, the way I approach those types of situations is to COMPLETELY understand the risks involved BEFORE I go into it. And, not to sound pesimistic, but I will alwasy assume that the way I don't want it to go will be what will happen. Now, if I can find a positive way of dealing with the worse case, then and only then will I step into the situation. My advise is understand that things may not go as you want (she is not interested in anything more than friends) and when that becomes evident, there is still something about the relationship or encounter that you are still glad to be there for. Otherwise you are going to end up hurt from unredeemed expectations. -A
  22. Athena
    I'm not a lawyer but the words "sexual assult" are ringing through my head. Did anyone see him kissing in the hallway - a waiter/busboy - anyone? I've been working in a professional career for over 20 years and please - make NO mistake, that there is nothing about that interview process that is ethically correct. It is ALL inappropriate. You've made some very clear thinking observations about the deals he was throwing at you - never take a "we'll see where you are at in 90 days" deal. Going out drinking on an interview is completely inappropriate - I have neve in my life heard of such unprofessional behavior. My guess is that this is not the first time he has done this and won't be the last. I think you should go to the police. He may in fact have other charges pressed against him. -A
  23. Athena
    How is your life now, different than what it was like 5 years ago. Are you where you thought you'd be? If everything were to go as you wanted it, what will your life look like in 5 years from now?
  24. Athena
    I think it is safe to assume she misses you - it's takes a while for even the breaker-upper to get past feelings of missing the other person. Just keep in mind that just because she has those feelings of missing you, the relationship, doesn't mean she wants to get back together - that's you're missing feeling talking. Listen to what she is saying when she is saying nothing - there is alot to hear. -A
  25. Athena
    I think alot of folks underestimate the value of proximity. Long distance relationhships can be very difficult. We can virtually love a person - it's certainly do-able, but, the limitied and minimal physical contact is something that we can only carry for a certain amount of time. And I think what happens with alot of LDR's is that the people involved push that limit often times past the point where it's tolerable and at that point it's too late. I think we all can tolerate a certain amount of separation and I think often times it make the situation actaully exciting. But lets face it, a love relationship includes a physical connection (not just talking about sex here) and as we know, if that aspect is not being satisfied, it can be be the demise of the situation. I think she could have handled the situation better, but I would not be too hard on her for not being able to sustain a distance relationship - it's not unusual. The only suggestion I have would be to see if you can talk to her and offer a solution to distance problem. -A
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