Athena
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Everything posted by Athena
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What matters here is not what he thinks about all of this - what he thinks is obvious - he obviously thinks all of this is fine. What matters here is what YOU think. It sounds to me like he is trying to convince you that his actions and ways of thinking should be OK with you. Thing is, in life, if you don't know what is right and wrong for you, there are plenty of people out there who are going to be willing to tell you. Are you OK with his behavior? If not, own the fact that you don't like it, state it and stand by it. It may be a bit harsh, but, if you don't show yourself some respect you can't exepect that others will either. If he wants to keep you around, he'll have to respond to that. -A
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cync, That's a tough one al right. It's kind of difficult to advise someone based only on what you've given for information. What was going on in your relationship before she announced she wanted to take a break? Did it come as a surprise to you? What's your satisfaction level in the relationship been lately? What reasons did she give for wanting to take a break? -A
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Wish it were that simple. But thanks anyway for trying to sum it up for me. -A
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I experienced it twice with the same person. I felt pretty foolish the second time, enough to prevent it from happening again. The definition of insanity - do the same thing over and over, expecting different results... arghhhhh! -A
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There are some men who are very physically oriented, meaning their primary criterial for finding a mate is physical attributes. Then there are men who are looking for a person who they find attractive both physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Upon what criteria a person selects his/her mate has alot to do with their morals/values and character. For instance, if YOU are a woman who selects a mate based on just physical attributes, it's likely that you will attract a person who has those same values. Someone who has deeper values when it comes to relationships will see through the fact that your attraction is purely physical, and will not likely be interested in anything long term. What one person finds attractive in a person, other people may not. It's all very subjective. When it comes right down to it, in the end, all that matters is that ONE person thinks you are beautiful, and rest assured he is out there. -A
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I don't have any insight as to why they do it, but it's a huge petpieve of mine when people say they are going to call or be somewhere at a certain time and then DON'T. It's nothing less than rude and there is simply no excuse for it. It's about respect for my time. I've had great luck with telling people this up front. -A
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To me, her views represent a person who feels like she is not in control as a woman, which, could be the result of her repressive stepdad. I don't think they necessarily indicate physical sexual exploitation, but more emotional sexual exploitation. -A
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Luciana, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. My ex-husband was the same way. It was pretty difficult dealing with it, considering it was a very satisfying way for me to express my sexuality. After a while I built up resentment about it. I found that after a while, his not wanting to do OS made me less desireable. It had a big impact on our sexual relationship. Not sure what to tell you girl. Only you know how important this is to you. And it's OK if it is important. One thing I can say is that I think you should come to some kind of resolution on this BEFORE you marry him. -A
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I think it's perfectly understandable at 20 to want to explore and figure out who you are. I just think its selfish of her and very unfair to you, for her to put promises on the situation that she may not be able to keep. To me it sounds like she feels like she can have you for whatever and whenever she needs you. I think if what she needs is to be free, then free her. No safety nets. -A
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I think the hardest part about having faith is coming to the understanding that what you want for yourself is not always what God has in mind for you. Real faith is about accepting that and being OK with whatever God prescribes for you.
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I think you should resume your normal activities. If posting to your web site is something you've done and enjoy doing, do it. I would not use it as a tool to try and hurt or manipulate the feelings of someone else. I'm assuming your postings are about you and are a creative outlet. Anything that you put on there that is contrived will be obvious. Don't disrespect yourself. -A
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Broken up -- She's Still angry at me??
Athena replied to JT's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
This thread is really interesting. I'm struggling with "letting go" issues, but, I don't think it's the "letting go" as you are describing. I'm interested in your opinions however. Where I am not following the "let it go" approach is, where does trust fall into the process? I think in alot of instances, the source of the pain, anger and saddness is a dose of betrayal. There is someone who accepted what you offered; love, caring, sharing, committment to them, and they seemingly give it back in words and action, but, their final actions are the opposite. So, we feel betrayed. In my corner of the world, forgiveness is given when it's asked for. If someone does something to hurt me, it's my responsibility to let them know they have done that, it's then their responsibility to apologize and then it's my responsibility to forgive them. The process is pretty effective. But a person has to apologize to be forgiven. My "letting go" issues are more about trust, not lingering emotional attachments. A romantic relationship with my ex is not something I would consider, because, I no longer trust him. That goes to say that you can't be friends (real friends) either. I think friendly is doable, but I just don't get the idea of forgiving someone that betyrays you, and doesn't apologize for the hurt they causesd. -A -
Hi Debi, My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I would say that 99% of the people on this earth are made up of good and bad. I think there are very few of us who are 100% wonderful or 100% evil. We all have our issues. When it comes to choosing a partner, it's important to understand that none of us are perfect and that we all have things that make us difficult to deal with. The trick to happiness however, is, finding a person, who's issues are things that you CAN and are WILLING to deal with. He is who he is. He's a liar, he's disrespectful, he's irresponsible. This is really not about HIM. This is about YOU and what you want for yourself and your son. I suspect your guy has some good points (see point I made above). The question that you need to answer is, do his good points out-weigh his bad points. Does he contribute to your happiness in a positive way MOST of the time? Is he the role model you want for you son to learn how to be man? Consider it a given that you cannot change him. Only he can change who he is. You need to figure out whether or not you are OK with who he is. IF you are not, then I think you have some difficult decisions to make. -A
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Do you like to be massaged? If you do that is is a great way to relax. Have him start of with a nice body massage and seamlessly move into oral sex - it's wonderful. -A
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Break up but still be friends? NO WAY!
Athena replied to bridgetjones74's topic in Breaking Up Advice
Empti, I am so sorry for what you are going through. You sound like you have a good head on those strong shoulders, and I;m thankful that you are willing to share so much, I found you post very helpful. "I've lost a love, its not much to ask him to lose a friend" I LOVE that! It says it all. Thanks again. -A -
Hi Crazy, Wow. lots of emotional termoil there. Here's the way I see it. When you break up with someone, it's not realistic to include monogamy in the conditions. But, it sounds like there was some talk of something that may have resembled monogamy. Maybe you meant to be monogomous, maybe he didn't. Point being I think you guys set up a very gray area. That said, I don't think it's fair of you to hold him accountable for for what he did during that time. With regard to your question about getting back at him. I agree with Eh, it doesn't sound you really like this guy very much. Don't waste your time on revenge. Revenge says more negative things about you than anything he's done. -A
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Break up but still be friends? NO WAY!
Athena replied to bridgetjones74's topic in Breaking Up Advice
I'm with you Bridget - I don't get it either. I think it really comes down to trust. Isn't trust the foundation of friendship? I think it is, and if it is, how can you trust someone who tells you one thing and then does another? I think alot of the "let's be friends" thing after a breakup has to do with the dumper seeking absolution from the dumpee. By being friends it means you forgive them for what they've done (hurt you). I've recently been through the whole friend thing. After 6 months of it, I finally told him that there has been too much damage done. Rebuilding trust in someone is very difficult to do and it takes a concerted effort. I don't trust him enough for him to be my friend. I remain friendly but not friends (according to my definition of what a friend is). You don't have to participate in what he is proposing. You can simply explain to him that the damage done is too extensive. I would encourage you to remain friendly (character), but you don't have to be friends. You've taken an emotional hit and are wounded. Continuing to be "friends" is like having the knife reinserted day after day after day - no healing can occur under those circumstances. -
Hi girl, My opinion is that you should take all your wonderful, conscious, heartful abilities to work through relationship problems and find someone with whom you can effectively use them with. I would not contact him anymore. I know it's hard to hear that first time that he's found someone else. I think you are reacting emotionally to that hurt. Maybe you could try directing your energy to pampering yourself rather instead. Try and let it lay for a few days. I remember the first time I heard my ex was seeing someone else, it's very hurtful, but you need to stay strong and stand your emotionally safe ground. I often wonder what it's going to be like when I hear he's getting married - scary thought - hope I'm 100% before then! -A
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"Aren't all relationships based upon this low form of mind control? " No
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My point in bringing up the topic of engagement is to force the truth to the top. If this guy is truly serious about her, engagement should not be an issue for him. It resolves his issue of not wanting to get married right now. My suspicion is that this guy isn't interested in marrying this girl at all. The topic of engagement, I think, will force that truth. -A
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I think you handled it the way you needed to handle it. That said, there are some who would not have had any concerns about the situation you describe. The fact that you do is what concerns me. Perhaps it's time to address the root of the problem. These types of instances are going to pop up repeatedly and at some point this will all come to a head. There is nothing wrong with married people biking with singles. The problem is within your relationship. -A
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What do you do to pre-empt a break up?
Athena replied to Eh Im Canadian's topic in Breaking Up Advice
Maintain a conscious effort to keep honesty (complete), trust, respect and a sense of humor in all that you do. -A -
I think you should listen to you instincts. -A
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It's not wrong to feel you want to leave. You were both very young when you met and it's not unusual for people in that age range to develop different opinions of what they want for themselves and their lives. Who were were at 20 and how we thought about who we were and what we want can be a very different story when we are 30. I think its important for you to clearly understand what it is that you want. It may be that the person you are with, does not want the same things you want and in the time frame that you want them. Perhaps you could discuss the possiblity of when he thinks he may feel comfortable with marriage. If he can't give you an answer that you are comfortable with then I think you have some difficult choices to make. -A
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Interesting relationship. Sounds like you are not happy with it though. Tell me, if you could wiggle your nose and change your relationship with your granny so that it would be EXACTLY the way you want it, what would that relationship look like? -A