Athena

Hi July, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know the hurt you feel and hope that you can find some answers to your questions. Your question is, how can I get my ex back. I think that if you are willing to, - Do all the work with regard to trying to fix difference (in other words acquiesce to what ever he wants) - Be willing to love someone with all your heart that does not love you back, - Be willing to not talk about things that concern you, he MAY be interested. My question to you is what do you want from this relationship, IF you could get it back? -A

Hi Bowski, I think the answer to you question comes down to what YOU expect no contact to accomplish. Seems there are two camps on the subject, 1 is that no contact is about getting mentally stable and healthy and healed from the emotional hit you've taken, the other is to use it as a tool to get the other person back, which I personally do not believe it is an effective method for that desired result. Most things I've read say that less than 15% of "take a break" relationship ever end up back together again. Based on those odds, it seems to me that its a better idea to figure out how to get yourself well. That said, if you are using it to get yourself well, the fact that it was a long distance relationship will make no contact easier easier for you. -A

Justice, Trust is a difficult thing to buid, it takes time, and even more difficult is re-building trust. Whether or not it's justified (I can't give an oppinion on that cause I'm only hearing one side of the story) but regradless, she doesn't trust you. And, in my opinion, if that is how she feels, she absolutly should not marry you and you should not want her to. There are bigger issues here than a goo-goo secretary stroking your ego. -A

NK, My god, I am so sorry. What an emotional kick in the teeth. If I had a nickle for evertime I heard the exact same thing, I'd be a millionaire. I believe he truly believes it when he says it's not about you. But, that's one part of his problem is that this is ALL about you and he can't even see that!! ARRRGGHHH! I have mixed feeling with what he has decided to do. First thoughts are thank goodness he's done this now rather than AFTER you were married (I know, everyone is saying that right now and it doesn't help, but you will see the value in that once you've healed). The part that I don't think is OK with what he has done is the part about, "he knows that we are going to get back together in the future." Oh, now isn't that just nice and cozy and convienient for him. How pompus. Call him on this NK. If he wants to say that, make him put his money where his mouth is, or in the philosophical words of our much respected board member, Larz, PUSH and PUSH hard. You need to know what this guy is really made of. Why not simply extend the engagement? And if he can't pay up, walk. What he needs right now is a woman who doesn't have expectations or want commitment (good luck finding that). You'd think any reasonable man would agree that you are better off with the right woman at the wrong time, than the wrong woman at the right time, but for a lot of guys, it's all about when their ready, and there's not much you can do about that. You've got some soul searching to do right now. I know it's ripping your heart out - and if someone would just do that it seems it would be actually be less painful than what you are really going through. Ask yourself and be honest, can you really be just friends with him? Do you wonder how it's even possible that he could so easily go to being just friends? How long are you willing to wait for? -A

Kay, There is something in your head that is telling you that this would not be a good thing to do - for many reasons. That girl in our head that speaks to us when we are unsure, is one of the best friends we will ever have. Listen to her, she knows what's best for you. Also, if this is your first time, if you are not with someone who cares very deeply about you, it's not likely that you will love it. Please take some time to think this over. Sometimes the best thing to do when you don't know what to do, is to do NOTHING. -A

In my situation, we did not get back together. I think in trying to solve a relationship problem it's vitally important to identify what emotions are involved. In my instance and I believe for her, what you are dealing with is lost trust. Rebuilding lost trust is pretty difficult. She gave you chances time and time again, and you let her down. At this point, what you essentially are doing is asking her to give you another chance. I know for me, there came a point where that just wasn't possible. You can understand how she would come to a point where she is unwilling to expose her neck, again. As far as what could have been done to regain the trust, I don't know. One thing I do know for sure is this, 99% of women have three basic needs that need to be met; 1. To be convinced that their love thinks they are beautiful. 2. To be convinced that their love will fight for them. 3. To be convinced that their love will never leave them. Convinced of these three things, I believe you will have a woman who will hold you in her heart forever. These sound fairly simple but they are chuck full of all the things necessary for a solid relationship, love, honor, respect, trust, commitment. And, women are not fooled by false impressions when it comes to these things - we know intrinsically when they are there and when they are not. Some tolerate their absense, some don't. Way I see it; you've let her down with at least two of these. How do you convince her that you are willing to fight for her when you haven't, how do you convince her that you will never leave her when you have? I don't know how you get from her knowing first hand that she can't count on you for those things to believing that she can. I don't know what could have been done to convince me. I think, as you mention in films and such, normal actions are no longer adequate. It seems that it becomes necessary for extreme acts of expression to make your point and that you REALLY MEAN IT and still, that may not be enough. I think you need to realize that if she can find it in her head and in her heart to give you another chance, you are faced with a HUGE responsibility. You are the only one who knows truly whether you love her AS MUCH as she loved you. If you don't love her as much as she loved you, you have no right to accept the love that she offered you. If you don't love her as much as she loves you, you should let her be. I don't mean to sound like I think your intentions are misguided but, I'm not completely convinced that Princess isn't wrong about alot of this being a loss of control of the situation. But we don't know you and I am sure there is so much more to you and the situation than a few paragraphs has been able to convey. -A

Mark, I am so sorry for what has happen. As I was reading your last post, my eyes were tearing. Take some time to collect your thoughts and take care of you. There's lots of people here who are of great support if you feel you need some. -A

Oh jeese, 11 MONTHS - missed that part Please disregard my post. -A

It sounds to me that he has been dishonest with you which certainly prompts the question of do you really want him back?? If you still do want him back, then let him know that you need some space to get yourself squared away and won't be contacting him. If you don't want him back, just walk away and tell him to come and get his stuff by the end of the week or he can retrieve it from the land fill next week. -A

My philosophy on trying to get a kids to stop doing something bad, is, They must be convinced and clear that the reprocusions they will suffer if they choose to hit, must be enough to make them stop and think about whether they will do it or not. I think you have to find what is really important to her - what really means alot to her. TV, computer, phone, going out to play, special food treats, special time with you, ALL OF THE ABOVE, and let her know that when she behaves inappropriatly, she looses the rights to those things that she enjoys. The key here is to mean what you say, and DO what you say, and be consistent and very firm. Another option is to enroll her into karate classes. I've read that kids who hit, do so out of insecurity and disrespect. Karate builds both of those - it gives them a sense of being in control and it teaches respect of others. -A

Hi Rich, As I understand what you've said, it was, "take as much time as you need to make your decision" It sounds like you are suffering some anxiety in waiting for her to decide. I don't think it would be unreasonable to say to her, "look, I know I told you to take what ever time you needed, but, the waiting is causing me alot of anxiety and I would like to instead, agree to a date when I can expect to hear your decision." And in the mean time between then and now, agree to what the context of the relationship will be. Will you contact or won't you - what will the contact be and how often, will you talk about the relationship or not - agreed to those things together. -A

Hi Max, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that things work out as you hope. I've been in the position of your girlfriend so will offer my perspective from that position - I hope you can find something helpful in it. When a relationship is good and everything is going well and a guy won't commit (not for 'Now" as you sort of indicate, but for "Ever"), women start to wonder what the motivation is for the guy to be in the relationship. And, if that goes on long enough, women will start to believe that the guy may not have "forever" intentions. If that gets in her brain, it will undoubtedly start to cause her feelings to deminish. So many times, I've heard of guys at the last minute, when they are just about to loose her, go ahead and make that committment she has been waiting for, and by that time, it's often too late. Look at it from this perspective. You're at your job and it's been going great. You put in 110% all the time, you really enjoy it. Now it comes time for a salary raise, and the boss doesn't come through for you like you think you deserve. So you go to him and have to say, "look, if you don't give me what I think I deserve, I'm out of here". At that point, the situation is that you can't count on that boss to recognize what he has in you, and to reciprocate the amount of effort, dedication and commitment that YOU have been giving. It takes away significantly from the relationship and your attitude is likely to change after that - you're not likely to be so enthused. We as women don't want to have to think of the commitment as a forced march on your part and if that is the way it starts to seem, it takes away from our feelings about the relationship. Hope there is something in there that helps. -A

Islandgirl, I think all of your feelings are reasonable. I would feel the exact same things in the situation you describe. One of the reasons I never date men with kids is for this reason exactly. His kids will always come first - and I think that is appropriate, WHEN THEY ARE CHILDREN!!! Its difficult to assess, but sometimes people have situations that just...are.. and you might have to accept the fact that they are comfortable with what they have going on and don't WANT to change anything. I think it's worth talking with them about. If he wants you to be part of his life, just like you will have to make changes to accommodate him, he should be willing to do that for you as well and he may be willing to do that. However, keep in mind that he may not. At that point it comes down to whether or not you can live with the situation as it is. Where is the girls mother? Have you ever had the opportunity to speak with her? It would be interesting to hear her side of the divorce story. -A

I think it depends on what your priorities are in life. Everyone has different priorities. If career is most important to you, the only advise I would have is make sure that you find someone who's career is more important to them than you, and theres shouldn't be any problems. I think the problems come when one persons priorities don't match up with the other persons. -A

I agree with Princess 100%. I think your arrogance about her being there when ever it is that you feel like you want her to be, is going to come back and bite you, I think you've got the wrong girl for that. I think your back and forth "do I love her or not" is immature, rude and disrespectful. I think you should leave her alone and go find someone who is happy to play childish relationship games. It's people like you that these boards even have to exist for. -A

Nihilist, It sounds maybe your intelligence has gotten the best of you Maybe it's time to try something a little different than what you've been doing. The old addage is, if you keep doing what you've been doing, you're going to keep getting what you've got. One thing you know for sure is that you are not happy with what you've got. Doing things as others expect is virtuous but it doesn't take into consideration the creativity for living that some of us (I think you do) possess. I think it's time for you to stop trying to fit in, and instead, stand out like you are intended to. I KNOW that there is something(S) in this life that YOU are passionate about. Perhaps they are things that others would not understand or maybe even accept or agree with?? What are you passionate about Nihilist? It's passion that makes us want to be here and stay here. Something that we are SO enthrawled with that the thought of leaving it is just too much to bear. Recognize that you are an individual and have thought, desire and passions that are perhaps very different from those around you, and when you realize that, INDULGE those passions - that is what living is about. -A

Hi MuscleMan, No, a woman cannot get pregnant by fingering. Depending upon how old she is, and, how long she has been getting her period, it may not be unusual that she misses a couple of months of her period. If you are 100% sure that she has not had sex, she is not pregnant. -A

What I am getting at is, if all she wants is to be good friends, that's as much potential as will be possible between you, no matter how much more you feel about her. Best friends is a very different relationship than even dating. My response was trying to get you to think about the difference in feeling that she has for you, compared to what you have for her.

I think you should accept what she said and move on, and... give her the gift. You meant for her to have it. I think in our hearts, we give people the gifts we buy/make, long before they actually take possession of them. I'm sorry that you are going through this MK. -A

You are both so right on. My problem is I understand what you are saying in my head - but man, I have terrible anxiety when I need to do it. The last thing in the world I want to do it hurt someone's feelings and I know that letting a person think that I am where they are when I am not, even for just 1 second is not right. You know what I think I fear the most, is that right-after time - oh my God, it's so awkward. Right after you say that and you both are standing there - it gives me the heebbie-jeebies just thinking about it. Ok, so you say it - I think I can get to words that are comfortable for me - some of your suggestions are helpful. What about that right-after time. And that brings up another points - the timing of this whole conversation. It's not something to say right in the middle of dinner - it's seems like it's definetly an on the way out kind of conversation. There are times when I half way through dinner, I already know it isn't going anywhere. How do you/should you say something then? -A

Not sure what her deal is but consider this, If you REALLY wanted to spend time with someone, and had a date, and when the time came you HAD to break it, wouldn't you make sure that you set ANOTHER date so that you could spend the time you wanted to with them? IF she is not offering to set another date when she is breaking them - I would say she's not as interested in you as you are in her. -A

I think that the context of any relationship can ony rise to the level of the weakest feelings. -A

I've been back in the dating scene for a few months now and one of the things I have a terrible time with is telling someone that I am not interested in seeing them as a possible romantic interest. I always make like I am intersted in another date and then end up bailing via a phone call. I know it;s lame and it really bothers me and I am trying to figure out why I do this and how I can behave better. Here is a typical situation for me. Meet a guy, go to dinner, spend a few hours chatting, laughing, having a nice time, but for what ever reason, not feel that he is a person who I would be interested in beyond friends. He says he would be interested in seeing me again, I know at that moment that I am not interested in seeing him again as a possible romantic interest, but I say "sure" anyway, arrggggghh. Then I call him a day or so later and tell him I am really not interested. Ladies, how do you tell a perfectly nice, kind man that you are not interested in him that way. Guys, what's the worst way women have told you this, what have been the best ways? -A

More importantly, what's going on with the boyfriend you blew off? Does he know you blew him off for the old ex, are just going to dump him and can we expect to see HIM posting "I don't know what happened" posts on this forum??? -A

Hi Blonde, There's lots of perspectives to view this situation from. I think his behavior is inappropriate regardless of whether she is a lesbian or bisexual or heterosexual. However, I don't know the dynamics of your relationship. What I do know is that his behavior is troubling to you and he SHOULD be concerned about that. Questions I have: 1. How do you know she is a lesbian? 2. Would it be ok with your husband if you had a gay male friend that you went and over and cooked dinner for and did his laundry, BEFORE you did those things for your hubby (I think not). 3. If it's all he says it is, would it be OK if you joined in on the friendship - went over and hung out - certainly SHE wouldn't mind being that she prefers woman anyway, right?? 4. Is it typical for your husband to have close female friends? Some guys do, but, most men hang out with women... for all the normal reasons. Personally, my gut is he is pulling the wool over you BIG TIME, but, and is cheating on you. Unfortunately from what you've told us, you have no way to prove that. So, all you really have to go on is that his behavior (innocent or not) is affecting you in a negative way. If he cares for you, he would try and do something to stop that from happening. The fact that he is not willing to do that is troubling to me. You should evaluate what you need to do for yourself based on what you have for facts and the facts are that he doesn't care that you are upset about this. Perhaps it is innocent (I doubt it) but, maybe, you never know. Be very clear to him that his behavior with this woman (assume its innocent) is troubling to you and you need him to discuss it with you and make some adjustments, otherwise your relationship is going to suffer some damage. -A