Athena

I'm really confused. You broke up with him, You went onto an online service to meet people He went onto an online service to meet people You said "Can someone give me insight as to what this means other than the obvious possibility" what does WHAT mean? "is this normal behavior for someone who got dumped" what behavior are you referring to? -A

Xin, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Boy, you think you know someone hugh? I'm so sorry. My thoughts are this, although it's reasonable that you do, I would encourage you to try and see this as not about YOU as the person you are. Here is what I mean by that. If you were someone else, same age, would it be reasonable to assume that he would have done the same thing? From what you've described I'd say yes. What ever his deal is, it's got to do with something that is not about you. The other thing to keep in mind here is that a major reason why he is with her is because of her age. I think its important for you to try and make this HIS issue and not your issue. I think that when we are broken up with (in any situation) we tend to loose confidence in ourselves. You're situation certainly adds alot more to the loss of confidence issue. What I've done to help myself regain confidence in is to surround myself with people who think alot of me and express my feelings. Let them know you are feeling down about yourself. People who love you will give you all sorts of good reasons to think well of yourself. I also take on personal challanges to help me build my confidence back. One of th ways I do that is to travel somewhere far where I've never been before, and I go alone. That does wonders for me. You have to figure everything out for yourself. I've traveled alone many times (by choice now - not just to recoop from a breakup) and always find many interesting men to talk and spend time with - that helps boost the ego too! The other thing to keep in mind, and you have to look at this one with "the glass is half full" perspective, you will never be younger than you are today, you will never be more physically beautiful than you are today, ENJOY, APPRECIATE and EXPLOIT who and what you have today. That guy you were with was puddle deep. Now its time for you to explore YOU a bit more deeply than you may have before, and I am sure you will be impressed with what you find, and, there are lots of men out there who will be impressed as well. Men are alot like buses. They are big, loud and stinky and if you miss the first one, don't worry, there'll be one pulling in another 5 minutes. Don't let this fool bring you down lady. -A

No, it wasn't sarcasm. If he's not ready for the whole sha-bang right now, but she needs to know that this is it, and is willing to wait for him, why not go for engagement? Doesn't that suit both concerns? -A

Hi Lis, I think you need to put yourself aside for a bit and try and give him some patience and understanding. None of what he is going through is about you, yet you keep bringing it back to you. He just lost two friends. People grieve in different ways and what he needs is for you to be understanding of how ever he chooses to grieve. He needs you to be there for support, not as a burden, and to be honest, you sound like you are being very needy and HE is the one who needs reassurance. -A

The perfect situation to rationalize engagement. -A

I agree, not all men are like that at all. There are wonderfully sincere and respectful men out there. Sometimes its difficult to figure out if a person is someone we might be interested in or not. Sounds to me these guys are making that very easy for you - they obviously are not the kind of guy you are looking for.. -A

Hey Mama, So glad to hear that you're doing well. I think you are in a great situation. You sound like you have a very clear head that is not tangled up with emotion - that is the perfect mind set for making big decision. I think you should take some time to really think about the pluses and minuses FOR YOU, that each situation represents for you. With regard to the new guy - maybe some time is all you need. He sounds like he really loves you. With regard to the old guy - change is not always a bad thing and actually, change is one thing in life that we CAN count on. Nothing stays the same, including people. Which situation do you see giving you the most of what you need and want the most - which prompts the question, what do you need and want the most out of a relationship. -A

I think time has a way of softening the sharp edges of a rocky relationship. That is not to say that time solves those problems - it doesn't but I think that time has a way of making them seem less than what they were. Sort of like child-birth for women. However, the thing to keep in mind is that there were reasons at one time that caused you to part. I think it's important to identify those reasons and make an honest evaluation of whether or not they still exist, and if they do, are they still an issue for you, and if they are, can you fix them. -A

I guess I'm just a tad confused. Are you not sure about whether you want to move in with him, OR, are you afraid of telling him that you don't want to move in with him? From your first post, it seemed somewhat obvious (to me) that you were not interested in moving in with him, but, did not want to have to face the situation of tell him that. You said I was absolutly right and that you could be honest. He told you outright that he wants to know the answer now - the opportunity for you to be honest and you didn't? Truth will set you free and him as well. It doesn't do anyone any good to pospone the inevitable. If you have any respect for him at all, you will tell him the truth about what you are thinking ASAP. What is it that you fear the most from telling him the truth? -A

I think I can understand her perspective. Couple of things jump out at me that allow me to, 1. 5 year relationship 2. 2 1/2 years living together 3. ...still hesitant to get married how old are you guys? -A

Hi Trueheart, If you could pick only reason why you don't want to move in with him, and that reason is the one which would run closest to your strongest feeling of why you don't want to, which reason would you pick? "need to catch up on my bills" or "Need more time away" My gut is that you don't want to move back in with him because you are not sure you want to be with him. If that's the case, don't cloak it with ambiguous reasons - be honest. -A

sidenote.. Avman, We are saying the same things actually. My post says, (perhaps not very articulately) that insecurity IN us can be the result of either an inside force, or an outside force. And sometimes, the inside force is unsubstantiated when the situation is looked as objectively, which, could be the case in this instance, or not, we really don't know. B&W could be very good at picking up subtleties that would indicate she should be cautious of this guy. -A

I think that if you owe her an apology, then you should contact her. If your contact is souly to apologize, make sure that is very clear to her. If you are contacting her to apologize AND to tell her you think you made a mistake in breaking up and want to get back - make she knows that. Don't be ambiguous. If you feel you can't be straight or don't know for sure whether you made a mistake or not, just apologize and leave it at that. -A

Hi neva_black_n_white, As I was reading this, I was flipping back through my own experiences, and here are my thoughts on your experience. If we can honestly classify ourselves as generally secure in ourselves, and we find ourselves feeling insecure with a particular person, and, it's a security that we can't seem to obtain with them (security and insecurity is a cloak for trust and non trust in my opinion), then I would contend, that the reason you are asking those questions is because you are trying to figure out what it is that is contributing to your feelings of insecurity. I think there is probably more going on here than you've revealed. I think when you honestly trust someone, that questions doesn't become something that you ponder, at least not to the point where you would actually ask it. And when you really trust someone, and for what ever reason that conversation happens, it wouldn't have any impact (know that for fact). So, I guess what I am saying is that I think you have trust issues with this guy. Whether they are real as a result of things he is doing/saying or is not doing/saying, or, whether you have trust issues in general - I don't know. But, I would look at this as a sympton of another problem. -A

Hi Avman, Wow, I have a female friend that fits just about every one of those. Would you post the website? I would be interested to know more. Hopefully it tells about how to deal with them - sometimes she makes me crazy. -A

I think you can tell by answering the question, Why do you want to have a baby? -A

Hi Paul, Let me play back to you what you are proposing. You are proposing the she said to herself, "OK, I'm afraid, so, what I'm going to do it just tell him I want to be friends, despite that I really feel more, I am going to FORCE myself to just be friends. That way I can get to know him better and we can spend time doing things just as friends and hopefully over the course of time of doing this, my feeling will change, I won't be afraid and we can be a couple." I know no one who is that self-actualized. Listen to what she is telling you and be grateful that she is capable of being honest. -A

I've said what I am saying. Your question is making my point.

Hi Free, I don't know anything about the disorder you speak of, but, from what you describe, to me it sounds like a classic case of "immaturity." How old is she? -A

Hi Lost, I'm so sorry for your hurt. You sound like a really strong and caring person and I wish all the best for you. I swear there is not a person in this world who is worse at reading people than me. I have this way about me that always causes me to see the best in people in and in situations, and alot of times, that causes me some heartache. I've been trying to pick up skills to try and give me some clue about when to walk away from situations, without loosing my postivie attitude towards life and people. One of the skills I've picked up is to take note of when peoples' words do not equal their actions. This is a HUGE red flag and for me it means either stand still and watch (i.e. don't invest too much) or, turn and run REALLY fast. I have found that contradictory words and actions are an indication that the words are false. It's more often than not, not an intentional lying, but most ofen they are words that the person would LIKE to be true, but, as their actions will reveal, really aren't. I think she would like it work out with you two, but for what ever reason, her feeling aren't strong enough to keep her there. And I think that just a simple thing like a old boyfriend showing up, being enough to swing her, is a good indication that her feelings are not very strong, no matter what she is saying to you. I've been in situations like that before. I've been with men who are great people, and we get along great and I want nothing more than for my feelings to develop strongly for that person, but for reasons that often times take some time to realize, the feelings just don't develop. -A

She knows how you feel about her, and I am sure she knows you would take her back in a New York second. I don't think she is in a state of hestiation to express to you that she's changed her mind. I think that's what you would like to believe. -A

Hi, My experience with people who don't answer questions with straightforward answers is that they are not comfortable saying what they really think. They are assuming it will cause you to be angry or sad, or it will cause them to feel vulnerable. No one hesitates when it comes to saying something happy and joyous to all involved. I suspect he knows what you want to hear and cannot give you those answers so, isn't, but, in fact, by not answering, he IS answering. When you feel doubt or unsureness about something, there really is no doubt. Often times there is more value in what people DON'T say, than it what they do. -A

Hi Detox, I know what you are experiencing is very difficult to deal with, and I am truly sorry for your hurt. I think in your hurt you are assigning very complicated reasons to what appears to me, to be pretty straight forward. Most people don't have super complicated reasons for the things they do. We tend to complicate things that we can't or don't want to understand. Most people will not for some higher emotional/spirtual cause, force themselves to stay away from something/someone that they really want to be with. That it seems is what you are trying to assign. I would encourage you to try and keep it simple. Take her actions and words for what they are. From where I sit, I am hearing that she is not interested in being in a relationship with you. That may be for right now or that may be forever - we really don't know. But, for right now, the message is, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. I think your efforts and energy would be better focused on being good to yourself and doing whats right for you from here. -A

Hi Det, My first thought was this was a rebound for her as well. How long after breaking up with the other guy was it when you guys got together? Did she break up with that guy or did he break up with her? I'm wondering if she's still dealing with her feelings for him. -A

You could be right, but, I don't think that's the case. Most people aren't that strong that they can intentionally keep themselves away from something or someone they want because it will be best for some possible future situation. Keep it simple - most people are pretty simple. I know it stinks and it hurts, but, I'm 99.9% sure that she is no longer interested in your company and doesn't have the courage in herself not the respect for you, to deal with it face to face. -A