dcgent45

I think it depends on the relationship as well. I just came out of a 5 year relationship that was very deep and meaningful, but i felt smoothered towards the end and panicked and had to be by myself for a while. I still love her deeply and loved her deeply at the time of the break, but I was so confused with myself, that no one was going to be able to help me, not even her. I have been back in touch with her lately and I am hoping we can work things out. She has been extremely hesitant, with reason, as I left her. So I can say that I was the one that ended the relationship and it has been beyond difficult. It hurst like hell really...

Hello, Well, I gave her a call last night to see if she got back safely. At first I was nervous she wasn't going to pick up, as I think it was a few rings away from the answering machine. BUt she did pick up and we ended up talking for almost an hour. In fact her plane was delayed for the next day and she arrived yesterday afternoon instead. She thanked me for the flowers at the beginning of the conversation. We spoke about them a few other times during the course of the conversation, as she thanked me for them and mentioned they really made the house smell wonderful and that they were beautiful. So I guess she took them kindly and not upset that I sent them to her, as I was fearing she might wonder why I would send her flowers. She didn't say it was unnecessary or anything like that. She said she liked them a lot. I told her I sent them to her because I knew she was going to be traveling on her b-day and that coming home from a long flight would be relaxing for her. Especially after her flights were cancelled due to tornados. She told me about her trip and what not. Sounded like she had fun. We talked some about what i was up to over the last few days as well. I had a few mixed signals, where she was telling me about some other b-day gifts that a few of her new friends gave her. Mind you they are guys. As I think I mentioned in some previous posts, she tended to make guy friends more than girl friends. In fact one of her guy friends went out on the trip with her. I knew this already. He is the one that she said she has no feelings for and he doesn't make moves on her either. That they become good friends and she feels comfortable around him because he doesn't act interested in her. She mentioned that she has two guy friends coming to visit this weekend as well. I asked her about these before, as I mentioned before. I asked her if this was a new boyfriend when I first talked to her on the phone and she said it wasn't, just a good friend, then I asked her again when we first met each other and she mentioned again, he was just a good friend. I guess I have to take her word for it on this. I know us humans can have tendency to worry, and typically 80% of the time you worry, it is about something that couldn't/won't happen. And of course when we went out to dinner the last time she said she wasn't interested in dating any one. So I guess I felt kind of mixed about some of this stuff, where maybe she is just using me for attention right now...as I feel like she might like hanging out with guys sometimes because of the attention she might receive. She is not a fast woman or anything like that, one to get around. In fact it took a long time just to get to first base with her when we first started dating. I guess some good signs I got out of the conversation last night is that we spoke for almost an hour. She had been up since 6 in the morning and flew for 4 hours, went to work for 6 hours and had to prepare work for the next day last night. I called her around 9:45 last night, which is a little late, so she was willing to spend time talking. A few times during our conversation she would mentioned that she should probably get some work done, but then some thing new would come up and we would end up talking longer, a lot of the times brought up by her. She even received a few phone calls from friends during our conversation and didn't switch over. I told her how I saw a movie this weekend that I really liked and that I thought she would like it too, I told her maybe we could go see it together and she responded by mentioning that this weekend wouldn't work because she had her friends visiting and had some plans already, but maybe afterwards. I figure she is open to seeing me, instead of saying, I don't think I would like that movie or whatever else. I felt good feelings with her on the phone, but I guess I felt mixed as well, like I felt like maybe she was trying to play the jealousy card a little bit. But of course after hurting her deeply for leaving her, I feel like she is probably testing me a little bit and she doesn't want to look desperate to get back with me, as she has a right to be hesitant. When the conversation ended, she said, "I guess I will talk to you later on this week". Which like I posted before, was a huge improvement from her never saying anything or something distant in our initial phone conversations. Also her thanking me for the flowers a number of times and not closing a door to future contact. Of course her calling me twice the day before when she was with her friends, makes me know that she was thinking of me and took time out with her friends to get in touch. Which also supports her statement of this guy only being friends, otherwise she wouldn't call me in front of him or talk to me in front of him, which she has already done about 3 times. And as mentioned before, she said how he was someone she could talk to about anything and she felt like that is what made them good friends. I guess maybe later on in the week, I will send her an e-mail to see how she is doing. Like towards the end of the week. Who knows, maybe she will contact me first. Overall I guess I feel good about stuff, but I as well feel hesitant…wondering if I am just being lead on or hoping from something that is none existent. I guess that is where patience comes to play and keeping the communication open. Needing to remind myself that she has a right to feel hesitant and rushing her would only push her away. So far I don't get the sense I am pushing her away if she remains in touch, by initiating the contact at times. She has hinted at being open for things in the future, like meeting up and talking. I almost thought about maybe planning out a day trip with her somewhere or doing something a little more significant than having dinner. Something that has us moving and bonding. My friends feel that she has to be open to something, otherwise she wouldn't want to be in touch period, as they all saw how hurt she was. They all feel as well, that it would be weird for her to want to meet up if she felt like she was completely over me, and after 5 years and marriage on the line, 4 months separated isn't a long time to just eliminate feelings, especially when we were super close emotionally. So I guess that is where I still feel the good signs coming. Well, thought I would write some of this stuff out, you guys always help me out a lot with your support and advice. Thanks… I will write more later…

Well, I called my old girlfriend yesterday for her b-day. She was in NE for a wedding over the weekend. I figured I wasn't going to get ahold of her, but I thought I should still make a call to wish her a happy b-day. I was out to a movie in the late afternoon and she tried calling me twice while I was at the movie. As my missed called showed her number twice. I gave her a call later on in the evening to tell her I saw her calls and that I didn't have my phone with me, but to give me a call back. I was surprised, delighted she returned my call from earlier, as I didn't imagine she would have tried to call me back. She was supposed to fly back late last night, but with the tornados and bad weather in the Midwest the last few days, I believe he flights were cancelled, as the times she called at was shortly before and after her departure time. She informed me of her departure time the previous weekend. I did order a nice bouquet of flowers to be delivered to her house yesterday evening, so that she would return to a b-day bouquet of flowers after a long day of traveling. She used to really, really hate flying, so I thought it would be a nice way to show that I was thinking of her and wishing her well. She didn't leave any messaegs on her calls, but I believe her flights were canceled and she arrive this morning instead. I may hear from her tonight I suppose. But I thought I would post as I felt like some of this stuff was a good sign. That she would take out the time of being with her friends to return my call, twice. I feel like things are moving forward, but I know they have to move forward at an extremely slow pace.

Well...in additional to my posts last week. I was waiting for my girlfriend of 5 years to call me about meeting up on sunday. We got in touch with each other on sunday afternoon. She was out with a friend at this air show. She mentioned how maybe we could get together in the evening, as she was going to be at this show until at least four. She mentioned to me that I should go to it, as she knows I would really love it. I didn't go, because by the time I got there, it would have been over. Her b-day is a this sunday. So I thought I would get her a card and some little gifts. I got her some candles and a candleholder that smell like Lily of the Valley, as that is hers and my favorite flower. I got some nice soap and a tin for the soap from this store she really liked. I then got her some cookies and this juice that she enjoys for a little extra. We decided we would meet up at 7:30, I told her I would take her out to dinner and what not. I went by and picked her up, I put all the presents in a box. Originally I told her I had some things to drop off with her. So when she got the box, she wondered what it was exactly and I told her they were some things for her. She sort of hesitated and smiled. I said they were a few things for her b-day. We went up stairs and she opened them up and thanked me for them. Saying you shouldn't have. We went out to dinner in the city. I took her to a restuarant named after a town that her family has a house in the S. of France...where her and I spent some time together when we first started to date. Over dinner to talked about what was going on over the last few weeks. I bought a car this weekend, so we talked about that. We laughed about some things that reminded us of our time together during that trip in the S. of France. The topic of dating others came up. She told me the first time we meet up that she has all these new friends and what not. They all seemed to be guys. She mentioned she doesn't really hang out with them too much because after a while, they would try and be romantic and that didn't make her feel comfortable. She said there is only one guy she really hangs out with b/c he doesn't try things on her. he is older and from Europe as well and says it is fun to hang out with someone European. I guess they do a lot of things together. She said she is not interested in dating anyone right now. After about an hour and a half at dinner, we then decided to go for a walk. I just felt like grabbing her and holding on to her. I didn't want the night to end really. At the beginning of the dinner, things seemed tense a little, but that was short lived and we eased up and enjoyed ourselves. I let her lead the way on the walk. We ended up walking pretty far. Seemed nice, as if she really didn't want to spend any more time together, or if it was uncomfortable for her, I don't imagine we would have walked so far. I drove her back home and said goodbye but that at maybe some other time we could get together and talk about us and what happened. I didn't bring it up at dinner as she sort of had a headache and was pretty tired. But she stayed in the car and I told her how I felt. How I was really out of it towards the end of the relationship, basically what I wrote in the first post. We held hands for a while. I reached out and grabbed her hand and we sort of sat there and caressed each others hand. We hugged a handful of times...for long periods of time. I gave her a kiss on the check towards the end of talking. We spoke for about one hour total. She mentioned that she doesn't have any ill will for me and that maybe the break-up was for the best. That she doesn't feel like dating anyone else right now and that she was guilty of making mistakes in the relationship as well, that we acted young a lot. She said she wouldn't want to go back to what happened again, that she really hit a low point right before we broke up. that we argued a lot towards the end and it was too stressful really. That she gained experience from it and respects me for who I am and could never erase the 5 years together. I told her I still love her and that she will always be one of the most special people in my life. We continued to hug some more and said good-bye a handful of times. It was really hard to let go of her. She kind of laughed about jokes I was making about wanting to keep her hand for a little while and if she could do without it. It definitely felt emotional in the car. I think she still feels love for me and misses me. She said how she is really happy right now and just looks forward. In some ways I feel like she wouldn't want anything more, but then i really damaged a heart during our break up and I think she feels hesitant towards anything. I know in the distant past when we broke up once...she mentioned how she didn't want to try anything and more and was more focused on her future without me, but we would eventually get back together. I feel like if anything were to happened now, it would take a long time. I called her when I got back home. She said she lite the candles i gave her and that they smelled nice. Said goodnight again and what not. I asked her before we got out of the car if she read the letter I dropped off with her a 2 weeks back. She said she did, but she wasn't really sure what to make of it. She never outright said I don't see anything with you in the future. She more or less mentioned that she didn't want to look back and that she is excited for what the future holds. That she loves her work and is happy to make friends and be happy... Should I just give her some space for a little while. She will be out of town for the next two weekends, and she works until super late every night of the week, like 10-11:00 at night. I feel like she still feels some thing for me. It has only been 3 months apart. Just holding her hand and feeling her caress it back and huggin hard many times for minutes on end some times. Maybe she feels completely moved on and doesn't really have much more than the feeling of hugging a friend...although I can't imagine friends holding hands like we did. Maybe I am wasting myself on this. Or will it just take time to build each other up again to a relationship. I wouldn't expect anything to start up right away. Should I reframe from calling her for a while. She talks to me when I do call in the last few weeks. I told her I love her when she left and she looked at me and asked what I meant, I told her exactly what I said...

I am not really sure why he called you. If you think it is because some one told him to call, then that is kind of immature...was he mature? I guess that is where you know him best, as to what his intentions would be. Maybe he misses you, or feels bad or something. But I guess if you see him now in public and he is afraid to be around you...seems kind of strange. Sounds like you would be better off with out him really I guess.

Fantasia, How long were you two dating for? I did find an article on the internet about which sex gets over the over.... link removed link removed

I almost forgot...we were at the time both 26.

Thing that was hesitant is that I was planning to ask for her fathers hand in marriage last x-mas when we went to visit them in France. She threatened to leave me when I told her I would not sign the paper work, but that I wanted a more traditional wedding, where I actually ask for her hand in marriage the old fashion way. After I didn't sign the paper work, I told her day in and day out that I wanted to marry her and it was going to happen soon. I didn't want to ruin the surprise. It seemed like it was all going on her terms...either we do it her way, or no way. Since a marriage takes two, I didn't want my dreams and thoughts be disqualified. I told her this many times. I eventually found out during the time we were discussing more about own marriage, she was planning on leaving me and moving out anyways. It just didn't feel right to me to sign the paper work for her to be able to change jobs. She already had sponsorship, but in order to move to a new job, she would need new sponsorship and she was having a hard time finding that. You might think, well if you wanted to marry her, why didn't you just sign that paper work.? If you truly loved her and wanted to marry her. She would comment that signing the paper work was an ugly way to get married, but it was the only way. I at least wanted to hold some level of surprise for th marriage. I guess it is like, one day you are trying to figure out the most romantic why to get engaged with someone, and then the next day, unexpectedly, she comes home with paperwork that I wasn't even aware of and asked me to sign it. I guess it just went against my values. It wasn't like we were never taking about marriage before...

She said she found a new job already that gave her sponsorship...which kind of irritates me, because it seemed like that was a big push to get married instantly. She told me when I saw her that she was serious about marriage and that she meant it when she said it. She said she wouldn't want to go through anymore hurt. When I saw her, it was to drop off some money for an old bill and some other things. We talked for a little while outside, then she invited me upstairs for a little while to check out the old place we lived in together. When I was prepared to leave, she offered me something to drink, so I accepted. Before we broke up, she mentioned at one point that she will always love me through out life and she knew I as the one for many years. In fact when I broke up with her a year into the relationship, she got back with me because she felt like I was the one. I asked her up front if she was seeing someone else, because she kept talking about these new friends of hers. She said she wasn't seeing anyone, but it was just good friends and that this guy in particular was just a good friend. He doesn't live in the area, but comes into town every now and then to visit family. he is trying to move here I guess. We ended up going out to get something to eat when I saw her the other day. When I delivered the stuff, i also include a letter with my thoughts and feelings of what happened and how I wish we could try and give it a new try. When I saw her, she was telling me how the landlords missed me and it was weird, as when I went in the place, a lot of things were the same, a lot of stuff that I bought, i.e. food items were still there. I figure you would throw everything away after a break up for 5 years. And when we hugged, I initiated it, but she grab on to me as well and stroked my back while hugging...we then hugged one more time, like a stronger hug. We have talked twice on the phone since then, with myself initiating the calls. I tried calling again recently, but I got her answering machine. I would really like to get back together with her, but I am not really sure. She told me how it was really painful for her for a few months, but that she feels better now and has a new life. I figure if she was seeing someone new, that she would be more up front and honest about it. I noticed she seemed kind of hurt, or upset a little bit when I asked if she had a new flame in her life... that was when she said, "we are just good friends". I don't know. I wish things could have worked out, but there was so much pressure to get married so fast, that I just kind of ran away to sort myself out on my own...

Do you think it is harder for females to heal after a break-up then men? I broke up with my girlfriend of over 5 years last holiday season. We were living together the last 2 1/2 years and in the last 5 months of the relationship, we were discussing marriage. I ended up breaking up with her, because the pressure was too intense, even though I didn't want to end anything. She is from France and I am from the US, we live in DC. She wasn't enjoying her work and wanted to find other work. She would need new sponsorship to do this. So she asked that we get married one weekend so she could apply for new jobs. I was supposed to go to France for the holidays and at that time i was planning on asking her father for her hand. The time she wanted to get married one weekend was in September. I felt too rushed to get the legal stuff done right away and I wanted to do it in a more traditional way, by asking her father in person then proposing in person. When I told her that I wanted to marry her for sure, but that I wasn't prepared to go to the courthouse and get married right away, she threatened to leave me. In fact she began packing things. After a fwe days, I told her to calm down and lets think about stuf for a minute. I wanted to talk more about marriage and what not...she said she knew I was the one and had been saying it for quite some time. Anyways, things were getting sticky for a while, that I eventually moved out alst January. It felt like we were to get married on her terms and not ours. When I told her I wounldn't go to the courthouse right away to get married, but wanted to get married, next thing I know she tells her family this and friends etc...even my friends without me knowing. Anyways, We haven't been in touch for about 4 months, and then we saw each other this past weekend. I wanted to see her, as I miss her and knew I wanted to marry her, but it didn't seem like she was willing to listen to my concerns when it was all happening last fall. Do you think she is over me already, if she said I was the one for sure back then. It sounds like she may be seeing someone new now. Do girls get over love faster than men. In some ways I think she was BS'ing when she said she is just 'good friends' with this new guy. But when we saw each other, we gave each other a few hugs when I left. We hung out for 3 hours...this was the first contact since the break-up... I want her back...but I fear the same problems would exist...I want her back, but she mentioned at one point she wouldn't want to go back to the pains we had...I feel really confused....