Athena

Hi Kathy, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know how much your heart hurts. But something you may not be able to see that we can is the strength that does reside in you. You have made a conscious choice of how you want your life to be and what you are willing to do to have it - many people are not capable of that - it takes a tremendous amount of strength to do that. You are on the right track - making yourself healthy. Keep reading all those book - keep leaning on your friends. Please do not make the mistake of taking on the failure of that relationship. Both of you contributed to its demise. That said, always remember that should he call, both of you must be willling to change things to fix what was - just you changing is not going to fix the relationship that was. If he is seeing another woman, if I have him pegged right (based completely on what you have told us about him), then he is getting his needs met and probably won't be calling you again until his needs are no longer getting met. Can you see his behavior pattern? His idea of a relationship is getting HIS needs met. I suspect that you are different than that. Am I right in assuming that you are a giving person? If so, don't you want someone who is concerned for your wants and needs? -A

I think the biggest mistakes are made when we are unsure of what to do. Alot of time, when we are unsure, we for some reason feel the panic to do SOMETHING, and most often, decisions made out of such unsureness will get you into worse situations. My advise would be to do nothing for the moment. Don't break-up, don't move, don't do ANYTHING. You are in what I have been taught to call the Dark place of the Unknowing. The signs that point you to the right decision are not clear to you. The worst thing you can do right now is look back or run forward. Have you ever been lost in the woods? Going back or running forward, when you don't know where you are, only gets you MORE LOST. What you need to do the most, and what's the hardest thing to do, is to STAND STILL. There's alot going on right now - alot of major things. Stand still and let the dust settle around you so that you can see more clearly which path to take. -A

Obviously she does and that's all that really matters. They take a few days to face. -A

Hi Drumsom, Wow- that was a Mick Jagger mouthful! You've got alot going on. I'm going to try and break it down into individual issues that I see, each of which need to be addressed on their own. 1. You, Yourfriend and the Girl: You know he has "dated" a couple times. First thing to understand is whether or not they are dating. She may say no, but you should get your friends pespective on their relationship. If he feels as though they are in fact "dating" you are venturing into dangerous territoy with regard to your friendship with your friend. How would you feel if you were dating a girl and he asked that girl out - you really need to think about this. 2. You, Your friend and Her Going to the Movies Together: It's quite possible that she does not see her relationship with your friend as dating and that she does not have a romantic interest in you. I don't know if that is the case or not, put it's certainly plausable. If that is the case, then all three of you going to the movies together is a reasonable solution. If she in fact DOES see her relationship with your friend as dating, then I think suggesting that all three of you go together is inappropriate and I would then begin to seriously question her integrity. I think dating more that one person is fine - as long as everyone involved understands that they relationships are not exclusive, but one does not going on a date with two of her courters at the same time. 3. You and Her, and Is She Interested: It sounds to me that she enjoys speaking with you and perhaps even spending time with you. That may or may not be the result of a romantic interest. She may just plain old like you as a friend. I have men friends of that nature. Obviously your interested in more than just friends. The problem here is that her's may not be - you don't know yet. The question that begs is, if she is only interested in you as a friend - is that OK with you - would just being friends be OK? 4. Without A Girlfriend, you are Depressed: I think this is an issue that you need to give some thought to. No young lady worth their salt is interested in being a tool that eleviates depression or is used to fullfill a need for someone to have a girlfriend. I think you are missing the point about what relationships are all about. Balanced, healthy relationships (friend, romantic, business, etc.) are about equal give and take. What I am hearing you say is that you want her in your life to fill YOUR voids and fullfill YOUR needs. What would she do that? I would encourage you to reconsider looking at relationships as a source of taking and look at them insteadm as a source of giving. What are you bring to the table - what do you have to offer? 5. Misrepresenting Yourself as Someone on IM: I think misrepresenting yourself as someone and speaking with her on IM is deceptive and not something that friends do to friends. It's lying, no better than your friend lying to her about what grade he is in. 6. Telling Her Your Friend is Really in the 9th Grade: I thnk that if in fact their relationship is a dating one, and thereforeeee it would be kind of awkward for you two friends to be dating the same girl, then I think you should step back into a friendship position with her and see what happens with them. I would talk to your guy friend and encourage him to be honest with her about what grade he is in - but, I would not tell her. Think about what that will do to your relationship with the guy friend. And considering that you don't even know if she is interested in you or not - you may be risking loosing your friendship with the guy for nothing. -Athena

My thoughts exactly Michael. Sometimes people know the truth but don't want to face it. I'd be very surprised if she doesn't know. My position still stands - stay out of it - it's not your business. -A

I'm sorry that you are going through that. It's really heart breaking to have to deal with hurtful conflicts. I'm assuming that she is in her first year of college - away from home for the first time? If that's the case, I think you need to be more understanding of the situation if you want to continue to be with her. As far as you know, she hasn't cheated on you. It's quite possible that she loves you more than life and won't cheat on you, and she is just enjoying her college experience by going out and hooting it up - that's what college kids do. I think if you try and take that away from her, she will resent you for it and the relationhship will end eventually. So, it's really your call as far as whether or not what she is doing (as long as its not cheating on you) while you are not together, is ok with you. If it isn't then you should stop seeing her and not ask her to stop what she is doing. As Rozy said, drinking and dancing often times leads to "encounters" especially at that age. There is a chance she might do that - but then again, maybe she won't because she love you. You don't know at this point and assuming that she is going to do something bad and so thereforeeee asking her not to go out is conveying your mistrust. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to give people enough rope to hang themselves if they choose to do so. Give her room to do what she wants and if she cheats on you - better to know that about her now then 5 years from now. The other thing, I'm little confused about you saying, " I dont know what to do to make her remember what we had that was so much more important than a stupid issue! " - when in fact - YOU are the one bringing up and pushing the issue??? -A

Regardless of whether it was a big deal to your or not, what ever it was, it appears to be a big deal to him. All things are relative to the people they affect. It sounds to me like he is having feelings of betrayal. Trust broken is difficult to get back. It takes a lot of committment to the relationship to make it happen. He probably feels that you betrayed him and he's really not interested in putting effort in a friendship where he is not sure of whether or not he can trust you. -A

Hey PB, Sometimes I think it helps to look at situations from a different context to try and find solutions. What if this were a job situation. For instance, He was the company, you were the employee and after a while, the company told you that what you have to offer is unfortunately not needed by the company any more or, you didn't have the necessary skill set and they were going to have to let you go. Now apply your question - how do I get my job back. To get your job back you would have to make some pretty big changes - change or improve your skill set so that you have something that the company wants or needs. Now certainly personal relationships are different than jobs, but essentially it comes down to having what people need or want. Do you know why, exactly, (most people don't) he broke up with you? -A

Nwadour, I work in the high tech industry and am surrounded by very intelligent people, math phd's, you name it. Think about what kind of focus and energy it takes to get a PHd in.... whatever... and, especially a science or math related field - it takes quite a bit of commitment. What I see in most of these folks is a lack of social maturity. I suppose that during their young adult years, they were very focused on their intellectual endevors and lacked the time/motivation/opportunity - all of the above - to develop social skills. I don't know if that sheds any light on your situation or not, but reading what you are saying, made me think of it. -A

Hi Kermie, Unfortunately, oral sex can transmit whatever type of herpes he carries (there are 3 different strains) to your genital area. I think the important thing for you right now is to find out if you hav contacted it in your genitals. Reason for this is for you to get comfort treatment and to get informed about how not to pass this on to others. There is a blood test that can be done to check - it's expensive but the problem is that the only other way to diagnose it is to sample an open soar. Problem with that is, if you have genital herpes, it is most likely will soar on the cervix and you may not feel it. It's important for you to find out if you have it. It's tremendously more important for women because the infection can affect babies during birthing. Get to a doctor and get checked - that's the first step. -A

I'm assuming you are saying that what you want from this guy is simply a sexual relationship with nothing else - no exclusiveness, no attachment. If that's the case, present your idea to him honestly, you never know, he may be up for that as well. I know of some people who have those types of arrangements and I think as long as everyone is honest and up front about what it is and what it isn't and everyone is OK with that, then go for it. Tricking him or being dishonest to him is wrong. Be honest and if he is not interested, then find someone else who might be interested in that type of arrangement -A

I don't see any reason why you can't set up some rules. If you don't want to talk about relationship stuff (which I think is a good idea not to) give him a call ahead of time and say "look, I'm looking forward to seeing you and I want to keep it fun and lighthearted, let's agree not to talk about any relationship stuff" I did this with my ex and it works great because you can get together and just RELAAAXX and really just enjoy the evening. As far at the movie back at your place goes - maybe you should see how the dinner goes. It sounds like you have concerns about what your comfort level witll be - play it by ear. -A

I don't think you should tell her. This situation is between your friend and his wife. It seems reasonable to me that if you somehow found out this information, others will too and the truth will eventually find its way around to his wife. I would encourage you to talk to your friend and discuss the wrongness of what he is doing and encourage him to do the right thing. My girlfriend is cheating on her husband who is also a very good friend. I've decided not to tell him, but I because she and I are close, she confides in me and with that relationship, I try and get to her to really think about the wrongness of here actions and about doing the right thing. -A

I'm so sorry that you are going through that. I know how hard it is to feel like you are loosing someone and being so far away gives you an even more helpless feeling. I think the way she handled this was really poor. I think in a odd-kinda way, her actions did represent an element of cheating - I'm assuming you guys had an exclusive agreement. But from what you describe, I think she is telling the truth about having been thinking about breaking up for a while. Think about it. When the situation presented itself to go out with this co-worker, its very likely that she was already in a state of mind that was open to that and I think her lack of attention to your relationship over the last couple weeks in a sure sign of that. As far as why she decided to break off the relationship, she did mention lonelyness and the arguing. It sounds to me that she needs more from a relationship than just phone conversation, which is pretty understandable. I think that probably the long distance was the acid that dissolved the situation - there may be more but only she can answer that. Not sure how committed you are to this, but if you want to pursue saving the situation, you are going to have to start offering solutions to what ever the problems are. If the long distance is a problem for her, offer a solution on how to resolve it. Try and find out if that was the only issue - there may be more she is not telling you. -A

I'm concerned about his intentions. Fact of the matter is that when people care about one another for all the right reasons, they want the world to know about it. Obviously he is making you feel bad - that is huge red flag that he is not being honest. When we are with people we love, they make us feel good about ourselves, not bad - I promise you that. It may seem as though another "love" ( and I use that term loosely with this guy because I am not convinced that he loves you) will never come again, but I'd bet everything I have that you will love again and more importantly you will love someone who loves you BACK. It's not emotionally normal for a 22 year old man to fall in love with a 15 years old girl. It's likely that he is just interested in sex. Ther is too much maturity difference at that age. He's got something in mind for you - but it's not loving you. He has good reason for not wanting you to be obvious because if you were to do what he has in mind, he would be arrested. If he really is in love with you, talk with him about a relationship that does not include sex until you are 18. That way there is no reason for him to fear everyone knowing that you are togther. -A

Its very normal for all of us to acknowledge a good looking person - whether it's male or female. Howver, it is my opinion that what separates the men from the boys or the women from the girls, is how we control those urges when we are with someone that we care about ther feelings of. What it comes down to for them is self control. Some men/women have it and some don't. What it comes down to for you is, whether or not you want to deal with someone who does not feel the need to control hisself for your sake. that is a choice for you - recognize that there are men out there that think that self control is the respectful thing to do. At this point you are married, so, hopefully he is willing to accommodate your need for him to respect your uncomfortableness of his behavior and is willing to make some adjustments. but then again... boys will be boys... -A

I'm a little confused. When I am with someone I don't know or trust, the last thing I am talking about is myself. As far as trust goes, there is more to risk with revealing yourself and your problems than there is in inquiring about the other person. What risk of trust do you see in asking the other person about themselves and how they feel about things etc..? -A

Boy it all points to yes! But, believe it or not, I had a guy friend who was very much the same way, and when I pursued, I was told that I misinterpretted his behavior and that he was like that, very affectionate and he also said, that the reason I misinterpreted it was because I was not used to being around nice guys.... is he of any particular nationality - this guy was and it was he claim that that is how guys are... what a bunch of crap hugh??? So, I think he is interested, but I would let him set the pace. -A

Ok, let's bullet item this so that we can get better look at it... - you ask him out - he's says I don't know - you said it was OK for him to let you know on Monday. - you are antisipating him not answering you and want to know how to handle that.... couple questions, what causes you to say that hes the kinda guy that won't say it - and by "it" I am assuming you mean "yes, i will go with you" or "no I won't" I think there are alot of people out there who don't deal with conflict very well and for alot of them, saying No to someone represents a conflict and so, they will avoid. Now, that said, what are you feeling on this, if he really wanted to go with you, why wouldn't he just have said yes - that's easy. Can you tell us why you think he just would not have said yes? -A

I think he jealousy is WAY out of control. Do you feel afraid to do or say ANYTHING!!?? It actually at this point, sounds VERY controlling which would be an interesting topic to explore. Not sure what's going on with her, could be lots of things - probably nothing to do with you AT ALL. I don't believe you can fix what's going on with her, she needs to do that. You could tell her that you really need for her to fix it if she wants you to stick around, but other than that, the burden is on her, or at least, it should be. -A

I hope now that he is back, you can start to recognize his behavior from a point of how selfish of a person he is. Becareful you're not the one making all the changes. Good luck Kathy. -A

I agree and somewhat agree with a little bit of everything said. Good advise over all! Cobro I think you are right in saying that not avoiding her shows that it really doesn't matter to you whether you speak with her or not. We initally avoid because we can't handle it, let's face it. But eventually for some and in some instances, there may come a time when it no longer affects us when we talk/see them. I think that's where you WANT to be - and I don't blame you, me too, because it represents a very strong place. BUT, I have to say I don't think you are quiiiiiittte there yet. As justagirl said, if you were there, you wouldn't give her call a second thought. Justagirl also brings up a very interesting question, which is, when you do reach that point when you don't give talking to them or seeing them a thought, (I feel like I about where you are too - almost there) you have to wonder at that point what is the value of the exchange? Are you just being cordial? I think when we are left to pick up the pieces after being disguarded by someone we loved, its very likely that resentful feeling will always be associated with that person. And I think resentment will prevent any kind of in depth friendship from growing out of that situation. If that's the case (this is all just theory), then whats the point of picking up the phone, even if it doesn't bother you anymore? I'm being socratic so feel free to rip my theory apart -A

Kathy, If you don't call him, he may never come back - this may be the end and you need to recognze that as a possibility. I guess what this comes down to is what do you want for the resulting relationship? Do you just want him to be in your life, regardless of how he behaves or treats you? If that's the case, call him and beg him back - I'd be willing to bet that he will come running back. Thing is, at that point, you really have no right to complain about him. What you see is what you get - take it, OR, leave it, which is my recommendation. By not calling him, you are emphatically stating that what was going on before was UNACCEPTABLE TO YOU! And by NOT calling you are saying that you are NOT WILLING TO LIVE WITH WHAT WAS GOING ON! Antonymously, by calling him you are saying that you are willing to put up with how ever he feels like behaving. This is your call. If you expect him to call and for everything to be happily ever after - you are kidding yourself. He's not a kid that has alot of growing to do with the possibility of a major changes is his value system. What you see is what you get with this guy. SO the question to YOU is, is what you had with him OK with you?? - if it is, call him and tell him you are willing to put up with anything he wants to dish out just so long as he is there - he'll be back in a flash. -A

I think you have to accept the fact that she does not want to be in a relationhship with you - she's made that pretty clear and her reasons are comprehensible. People don't leave situations that they are content in. The question I think is where does this leave you??? What you are going through is incredibly hurtful. You have had something precious to you, taken away from you. It's important right now that you turn your focus to yourself and try and get stable emotionally. The best way to do that is to keep your distance from her. The pain you are feeling can be all encompassing and it's important to try as hard as you can to stay on your feet, and keep your head up and stay a positive as you can. -A

GeeCee, I'm sorry to hear that things are not working out as you would have liked. My take on it is this, firstly, we can't make people tell us the WHY of their decisions. Often times, I think, they themselves aren't even forsure of the why. All you can do sometimes is accept the final decision and leave it at that. It becomes a matter of respect. Second thing is I think it was a bad idea to leave him alone in the hotel room while he was sick. The only way I can see that being ok is if you both chatted about it he was insistent that he was ok with it. How long were you gone for? Were you drinking and did you return to the room under the influence? If in fact the reason for his change of heart is the hotel incident, then I would think an unsolicited apology on your part would go a long way. Thing is, you don't know whether or not that is the reason for his disinterest. So, understanding that, you could go ahead and apologize, which I think you should do regardless, but don't expect that to change his heart back because it may not be the reason. It's hard to not know why it is that others break up with us. But alot of the time, people for some reason are not comfortable telling us - the confrontation often prevents them from doing so. So, sometimes we just have to accept that we don't know why and let it go at that. -A