cracKness

I haven't read the entire post (40 pages? wow)... but ill chime in my 2 cents... Shinobie... From your last post, I can already get a feel for what's happening here... Sometimes i feel the same way... I too am 20, single, and somewhat of a virgin, so I know how it feels. First off... I have learned some things recently that have changed my views on the whole "I'm ugly so girls don't like me" attitude... If you don't change that, trust me, you'll be single for a very long time. I have learned that Confidence goes a VERY long way. Feeling ugly and whatever does take that away...but you must remember, that if you keep telling yourself something, no matter how untrue it may be....eventually you will come to believe it. Whether you're ugly or not, that's in the eye of the beholder; each and every person has a different opinion of what they think is good looking, and what they think is ugly. (side note: I have also come to notice that even if one does not think of themselves as good looking, they're not automatically ugly) Rather than keep saying that you're ugly, you have an ugly whatever... i know it's easier said than done...but find something about you that you like...don't say you can't...find something....and rather than say you have an ugly whatever, just keep thinking to yourself "I have a very nice blah" or whatever.... just to give yourself a little bit of confidence. Women arent always looking for a pretty face or a slim figure... its all about what you can do with what you have that gets them all worked up. (money, large appendage, big muscles....whatever...its all the same). Women know that people that have these traits are just more confident....the confidence shows. thereforeeee, Women like confidence. Now comon, shinobie... if you thought women were so evil, would you be hurting so bad that you don't have one? thinking that way will only make you feel worse, you'll start feeling sorry for yourself, and that is only incredibly more detrimental to yourself and acheiving your goal. And speaking of goals...right now, you're too self depricating to find yourself a girl.... I'll tell you that flat out right now. Women don't want someone that will keep cutting away at themselves...how can a guy compliment and make a girl feel good if he can't feel good about himself? What you need to do first is do something so that you start feeling better about yourself...maybe start lifting weights or go jogging or whatever...anything to give you something to look forward to (im giving you examples from my own perspective... I am overweight, and that's what brings me down....looking forward to a leaner figure or bigger muscles...that definitely gives me something to look forward to.) Why? because honestly, if i keep thinking that girls won't like me because I'm overweight or whatever...that's exactly what'll happen. Girls don't necessarily want a skinny guy....but they don't want a guy that's large and can't stop feelings sorry for himself because of that... lose the insecurities, and you'll gain the confidence...and like I said, the easiest way to do that is to improve yourself... the actions will have a greater effect than the results... trust me on that one. Right now, a girl is not going to make you feel better or all that much happier.... the way you cut yourself down, she'll get tired of it, and the resulting breakup will only make things worse. Concentrate on improving yourself, how you feel about yourself... then once you have that confidence, take the next step....go out with friends, whatever... its a slow journey, but in the end it pays off... you just have to work at it.... cutting yourself down and feeling sorry for yourself will NOT get you anywhere.

thats what i mean by not knowing what to believe...the whole long distance thing was her idea...before we actually started talking about being more than just friends, i would have never gotten into a long distance relationship.... I know about needing more from a relationship than just talking on the phone...like i said it was her idea to begin with....i cant say that i regret going along with it... I fell in love with her, and i would have done anything for her... the only way to resolve the whole long distance thing would be for me to move to washington state...and after this, i can no longer contemplate that.... in a previous relationship she had, close to the same thing happened.... she went out with a guy for 2 years (went to school with him), broke up with him, and went out with his best friend the next day.... Turns out that with the first bf, they never even kissed, so i understood the whole wanting more than that.... but when i talked to her...asked her about her wanting more from our relationship than i could offer her...she told me not to worry about it...told me how happy i made her.... I don't understand why she just couldn't tell me the truth about everything....its not that i dont believe she had been wanting to break up with me...it's that i can't believe there isn't something she's not telling me... I absolutely detest being lied to...she knew this....and everytime i think about how she was telling me she loved me...i mean, she told me that friday night after going out with that guy... how can i believe that that was true, and if i can't believe she was being truthful that night, how do i know she was telling the truth to begin with? I know its recent, and i know im bitter as heck...but i can't believe she would lead me on like that...im in so much pain still, and yet i feel like she did this all shamelessly, with blatant disregard for whatever i might be feeling... according to her "I do hope that sometime we can talk again, although we both need some time away from each other phone and inet wise right now" ....somehow i don't feel a 9 month love coming from that statement, or the 2 emails i've gotten from her on the subject....i guess it doesn't help that i've found out on my own that the other guy is in a higher social class than i am/ would be a better catch anyways...

Feb 13 was our 9th anniversary.... Saturday, feb 21, it ended. Everything seemed to be fine...we had been having some issues, with her being in the state of Washington and me in Florida....We have known each other for almost 2 years, online...we met in person in december of 2003... Lately she had been getting more busy....working full time, going to her community college full time...involved in her old highschool club part time.... I started feeling that she was giving me close to no time...and thats where our issues came up from... but it would pass...and the few times we got to talk, the few times she gave me priority, it would be great....and when i would talk to her about missing her, about how i didnt know when we would see each other again (my job situation isnt the best right now) and she would give me hope for the future, told me not to think about that stuff. Saturday, i found out that friday night (feb 20) she went out with a coworker of hers (one that she likes and she thinks likes her back)...and she lied to me about it....she didnt tell me about it, i found out she sent him an email (but thats a story of its own)... when i confronted her about it at first she tried telling me he was just a friend and she only liked him as a friend, and she broke up with me saying that she couldnt take the lonelyness, and that the relationship wasnt fair to each other, and that we had been arguing or whatever.... sunday night we spoke, and she told me that she had been wanting to break up for the past few weeks, because she felt that the relationship had hit a wall, and that we didnt know when we would see each other again...that she just gave me hope cuz she was trying to convince herself of the same....and now we're not talking, because we're taking some time off from each other...she says she wants to continue having a friendship relationship though.... Basically i'm lost because i have no idea why all this happened....i feel she cheated on me, and i would have never found out if she hadn't told me about it. we used to have a lot of communication, but we had lately been having a lack of it because of all the things she's involved in. I don't know whether to believe her story about her loving me but being too lonely or whatever, since she lied to me about the guy she went out bowling with...i feel if she truly loved me, she wouldnt have lied, wouldnt have let it end like this....right now im torn between feeling like i never want to hear from her again, and feeling that i love her and hurting so much because of it. I know this is a hella long post, but i guess im just getting it out of my lonely, broken hearted system... comments...anything?