Nihilist

Wow, two people cared enough to answer, I wasn't really expecting that. Anyway, thanks for the suggestions, but I don't have anything that interests me. I have no hobbies. Whenever I do something I can't wait for it to end. Everyone was telling me how great college was, and I was hoping that it would be something that I would actually enjoy. The first semester I tried to meet new people, to keep an open mind, to learn new things etc. Now in my second semester I'm skipping 90% of my classes and staying in my bed 15 hours a day. When I do get up it's only to stay in front of my computer all by myself. I haven't said a word to my rommate in over a month. Deep down if people could just understand how sad I was I would feel better. I can't talk about it to anyone though, I just can't open up and tell people how I really feel. Thanks for responding though. Jamin, I hope you feel better now.

Sorry if this post is rather long, but this is just all the shit that I feel inside of me but can't tell anyone I know in real life because I don't open up. I'm an 18 year-old male, good looking, extremely smart, but I can't help but feel like my life is worthless. I haven't cried in years but everyday I just feel like falling to the ground and crying and never getting back up. As I'm writing this right now I feel the tears build up behind my eyes but nothing comes out. I'm obsessed with death. Ever since I was 6 years-old I have constantly had this timeline inside the back of my head, and the closer my imaginary self gets to death the more depressed I get. And when I say that this timeline is constantly in the back of my head, I mean constantly. I haven't gone an hour in the past 12 years without thinking about it. As a result, I can never enjoy being where I'm at in my life. I constantly want to go to back to where I was in the past, because back then I was further away from death. I'm 18 and I feel like an old man who's coming to grips with his own mortality. I want to die but don't want to go through the whole suicide process. I'm afraid it might be painful and I don't have a gun to just blow my brains out. As a result I just trudge through life, but I don't really care about anything. Everything I ever do I do to conform, not because I want to. I'm smart but because I don't have anything to live for I have no motivation to work for anything and am thus just throwing my life away, and the only reason I care is because other people tell me I should care about my life, not because I truly really care about myself. I've been very depressed for the past 12 years and I don't see myself ever getting out of it. I see happy people around me all the time and all they ever do is piss me off. I want them to know what I feel like for just 1 second, to know what despair is and to know what having nothing to live for is. I have fantasies about going on death sprees so that I can let all of my sadness out on other people and so that they can feel what it's like to be sad. I won't ever go through with it, but I still take solace in thinking about relatives of the dead people crying and wondering why someone such as myself would take their lives for no real reason. Throughout my teen years I've been to 3 different psychiatrists, but I never told them any of this. I can't and don't want to express myself to people in real life, I just sit in my room, wanting to cry but keeping it all in. I hide it so well that if you knew me you would never guess that I am so sad all the time. On the surface I act like a normal 18 year-old guy. I'm searching for meaning to my life but in the end I just can't help but feel like my life is worth as much as a cockroach's. My life is worthless and wish I had the balls to end it.