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Thanks for your replies - I can see this is not going to be clear cut! That said a few particular threads seem to be forming which I have some questions about... I like this... more than this... But then I would wouldn't I?! Seriously though, the whole 'not over her ex/rebound thing' seems to be coming up a lot. I am pretty sure she is not interested in seeing him anymore - just the way she spoke about him and his new girlfriend - it all seemed very genuine. That said, I guess this does not mean she is over him though - she obviously has some issues she needs to resolve there. He is certainly very manipulative - I have learned some things about him as a person I didn't really want to know. My feeling is that she spent 6 years from the age of 20 with him - which are pretty formative years - and he was obviously being himself (ie manipulative) throughout and I think she is used to that being 'the way things are'. Also, because she is from New Zealand, all her friends over here are tied up with him and his friends which obviously makes it more difficult for her to break contact. (Or am I just clutching at straws here?) What I'm wondering is how usual is this sort of thing? I know what I - and I think a lot of guys - am like; I tend to have a short period where I can't look at another girl but then it shifts and I'm open to new things - even if I still want to get back with my ex. I think this is because I break contact with my ex's for a while (though I'm very good friends with a couple now). With girls things seem to be a bit more complicated as they want to do the friend thing pretty much straight away (in my experience anyway). Do girls often have this sort of complication before moving on after a long relationship and what's the usual outcome? As regards being the rebound guy she did have a short relationship with a guy quite soon after she split up with her ex so I'm hoping he was the guy and not me... (Clutching at straws again?!!) The other thing that seems to be coming up a lot is I do wonder about this and I think that she probably does feel I am there waiting which makes it easier for her to stall a decision. Obviously I don't want to pester her or push her away. My brother's take on it is that 'women say they want a nice guy but what the really want is excitement, someone who they have to work for - they don't really know what they want'. He tends to be pretty blunt about things! I am wary of playing games though and I do wonder whether I should be trying to build a friendship so that something can happen from there or whether that is just shooting myself in the foot. Part of the problem I have is that we don't mix socially very often (once or twice a year) so if I don't create opportunities to see each other then I'm afraid it'll just get consigned to the land of 'what might have been'... That's the trouble - she is amazing and I do want to get together with her and I wanna do all I can to make that possible if and when it is right for her...

Please help me with a dilemma I am having!! I have asked friends for advice and received a mix of 'If she really wanted you she would make the effort so forget it' to 'the situation is complicated, hang in there – she's worth the effort'. I'm hoping you might be able to shed some light on this... So, there's this girl I know. She is 26 and from New Zealand, living in the UK. I am 29 and English. I first met her 2 years ago. She was seeing a guy I know but not a close friend. I was with someone too. I noticed her, had a little chat and thought 'wow'. Didn't see her again until a BBQ about 2 months ago. We both split with our partners in February and there seemed to be a spark so I invited her to a dinner party and then we went on a date (about 4 weeks ago). We spent a beautiful day together but she missed her last train home and had to stay... When I first kissed her she held back and said she couldn't let anything happen as her ex-boyfriend was really not keen on the idea and she wanted to stay friends with him and had to respect that. Apparently he told her not to go the dinner party, saying 'it would be alright if it was someone else, but not someone I know'. He is going out with someone else though. I said 'you have to do what you feel is right' and we fell asleep. But then we woke up and ended up sleeping with each other. Afterwards we lay there chatting both took next day off work and spent the whole day in bed together! I haven't done this for years and nor has she (she said) and it doesn't seem like the sort of thing you'd do casually... We talked a bit more about her ex. She ended their 6 year relationship last September; they got back together for a couple of months over Christmas before splitting permanently in February. She is really happy that he has met someone new though he keeps trying to make her jealous about his new girlfriend. Anyway, we decided to keep it secret and see what happened before telling anyone. But later in the day she had second thoughts. She said she didn't regret anything but didn't think it could happen again as she didn't want to lose her friendship with her ex. I said I wanted to see her again but that she had to follow her heart and do what she thought was right. I left it 3 days to give her some space then called. No answer so I left a message asking her to call me. 5 days later she called back basically because her ex had texted her saying 'funny how secrets never stay secret' and she was worried I had said something. I reassured her I hadn't said anything and we had a nice chat. I asked her to let me know what was going on. The next day she emailed me to say he knew nothing and everything was cool. She ended the email with 'Really do hope you are well, and taking care of your lovely lovely self .... SO good to hear your happy voice on the end of the line! .... Mmwa! Love ....' I thought this was positive and sent a reply later that day. She didn't reply. I was away the following weekend and called her when I got back. We had a nice half hour chat and I asked if she wanted to meet the next weekend. She said no as she was really tired and had to save money for her trip back to NZ in August. But then she asked me about the BBQ I am having at the end of the July, said it 'sounded like fun' and she would probably come. I left it a few days and then sent a friendly email saying how my weekend had been, asking how she was and trying to show I wasn't annoyed she'd turned me down. She hasn't replied yet (it's been a couple of days now).

Hi Athena - thanks for answering my questions. I really appreciate your comments. The whole 'no contact' business didn't seem quite right to me and what you've said would seem to confirm this. I think you're absolutely right about the whole loss of trust issue. I think she is finding it difficult to reconcile what I am saying now with how things were before. This is why I feel I need to be in contact with her in order to prove this to her and to some extent I feel that by trying to do the no contact thing up to now I may have made things worse... As far as whether I truly love her or not I just want to say that I have thought long and hard about this issue myself. Throughout the relationship I held back because I did not want to find myself letting her down at some point in the future. I wanted to be really sure - and for a long time I wasn't. But I truly believe I am sure now. I really mean it when I say I want to be with her for ever. I understand the comment about loss of control of the situation and to some extent that's also why I went for the no contact option at first - to be really sure before promising something I couldn't deliver. The sad irony of it is that in my caution I have unwittingly made the situation worse. So now what? Well it seems I need to prove myself to her but I have the added complication of this potential new man. I am seeing her tomorrow night (11th March) and in light of your advice I feel I need to communicate the sincerity of my feelings to her. But at the same time, if the evening becomes an emotional rollercoaster the day after she has had a fun evening with her new man (yes - she's out with him as I type) then that isn't going to work in my favour. Added to this is the fact that I think, due to my illness, she has lost faith in my ability to take care of her and look after her (perhaps that's a red herring but I think she needs to feel her partner is a strong person who will be there for her). As a result I certainly don't wanna come accross as a needy emotional wreck. My initial thoughts about tomorrow were to try and approach the situation with the air that I am moving on with my life, doing my own thing, meeting new people (girls?) etc, but I am really concerned that this will only seek to undermine any trust I have built up with her. So then I thought to make it clear to her that, new man or not, I am not giving up on this relationship, that I truly love her above all others and that I want to be with her for ever. My problem with this is that it may all be overwhelming for her. I think she needs to feel that we can have fun together still, that seeing me isn't going to be some big emotional drain for her everytime... I also feel I need to take the time to really listen to what she has to say about the relationship and understand what went wrong in her eyes (it's not that I haven't wanted to do this it's just she hasn't been forthcoming up to now). So - here is my plan. Please tell me what you genuinely think - I really need to get this right as I suspect I am running out of chances; if indeed I have any left at all... I had previously said to her that I needed to break contact with her to ease the pain for myself. I had acknowledged to her that this would make it easier for us both to move on but I had to take the risk. I had also said that, in my past experience this approach usually did not lead to friendship - something she has expressed a strong desire for. So I want to make it clear to her that I have decided to stay friends for two reasons. One because I love her truly and do not want to lose our friendship as well as our relationship. And two because I love her truly and am not prepared to let the relationship go without a fight so I am staying friends with her as it provides the best chance of reconciliation. But I want her to know that staying friends will require an effort from both of us. As far as the new man issue is concerned I want to ask her only to be honest with me and that is it. I won't ask for any more details of the situation as I think this is probably the most difficult ground for me to stop myself breaking down. I also want to make some sincere apologies for some things I have said and done in the past that have made her feel unloved or undervalued and then I want to ask her what factors she feels led to the deterioration of the relationship. And I am just going to bite my tongue and listen to her responses and try to understand them. Finally I am just going to try to lighten the rest of the evening so we end on a high hopefully, and then follow up in a week or so with more action and less talk. Please let me know what you think...

Hi Athena - thanks very much for your reply. I have to say I was hoping I might get an answer from the perspective you offered as I'm pretty sure this is a major factor in what has happened. In fact, my girlfriend has said straight out that had I been more committed earlier in the relationship then she doesn't feel things would have changed for her. My view at the time was that because she was so willing to move things on I needed to be very careful about what I said so as not to deceive her or hurt her. That's why I held back until absolutely sure. Unfortunately too late it seems... As you say as time passes the feelings you once had change. I can see this clearly with the benefit of hindsight (as ever!). My question is is there a way back from this situation? How did things work out for you for example? And if they didn't work out well is there anything your ex could have done to sway you? My girlfriend said that when she went on this 'joke blind date' she wasn't looking for anything and was just thinking it would be a laugh. But now she thinks there might be more to it than that - like he might have the potential to be 'the one'. Now this is after just one date so no matter how much she likes the guy I think a large portion of her outlook is due to the fact that she is looking for someone to get serious with... Is there any way I can convince her that I am ready to do this with her for real? I suppose this is why I am so wary about the no contact approach - surely that's just gonna tell her that I'm not really committed like I say I am. I dunno, I guess you see in films, on tv, read in books, the person makes a real effort and lavishes loads of attention on their ex and makes them feel special and wins them back. I'm certainly prepared to make the effort - I just don't wanna make things worse...

Cheers Francis - I appreciate your comments. I have to say there is a voice in my head telling me exactly what you're saying - that I should have no contact with her and stick to it. But then at the same time all I can think is that the last few months we were together really weren't all that great with me being ill and all. As a result she doesn't have a lot to miss... I totally agree that seeing her tomorrow is gonna be tricky especially if it degenerates into an emotional confrontation (which to be honest is going to be hard to avoid). That said I feel that if I could see her and have a good time with her - like old times - then she would have something to miss after all. Does it really have to be no contact at all...?

Hi all - I really hope you can help me as I am devastated and don't know what to do... I have been seeing a girl from New Zealand (I am English and live in London) for about two and a half years and we recently split up. She is 27 and I am 29. I really love her and would do anything to get her back... When we met I had just come out of a long relationship and did not want anything serious. So we took things slowly and eventually developed a solid relationship. We spent the next 18 months having fun together and things were great. The only downside was she always wanted more commitment. Eventually she wanted us to move in together but I wasn't ready to. Although I really liked her I always felt a bit pressured and never felt I had time to settle into the relationship. We almost split a couple of times because of it. For my part I was always fully committed, loving and faithful to her - I just wasn't ready to move in with her. Anyway, by summer 2003 a long standing health problem reoccurred and was starting to affect our relationship. I was always tired and our physical and emotional relationship suffered because of this. My girlfriend was very supportive, even moving in with me temporarily to look after me. Things came to a head in September/October 2003 and I had to leave work for a couple of months. I asked my mother (who is retired) to stay with me to nurse me as I felt it was unfair to burden my girlfriend. But things still seemed okay in the relationship and my health started to improve again. In mid December I returned to work part time and my girlfriend went home to New Zealand for a five week holiday. I had hoped to go with her but couldn't due to my health. While she was there she phoned every other day to tell me she loved me. My health improved more and I returned to work full time and did some serious thinking about the relationship. I decided that I did really love her and wanted to move in with her when she got back (though I didn't tell her this). But when she got back she said she was unsure of her feelings. She said her trip home had made her reassess her outlook on life. Also her parents, who divorced 15 years ago, ended up beginning legal proceedings against each other and calling their kids as witnesses which was really affecting her. She said she needed some space to decide how she felt about us. At first I backed off and tried the whole no contact approach but there always seemed to be some reason why she would need to email me. I told her how much I loved her and how I very much wanted us to make a go of it and move in together. She told me she needed more time to think and I left it again (or tried to). The only contact I initiated was to send two letters to apologise/clarify how I felt because I had become emotional and said some horrible things in the heat of the moment. Eventually on Valentines day, 4 weeks after she had got back from her trip, I sent her flowers asked to meet up. She said that she didn't love me anymore and told me it was over. I was absolutely devastated. She told me she wanted to be friends but I said I needed time and space to heal. Over the last three weeks, apart from one more letter, I tried not to make contact. And yet there always seems to be some reason why she needed to get in touch, though she always made a point of saying 'as friends'. In the last week I noticed something different in her manner and last night I asked her if she had met someone else. She was honest with me and said she had been on a 'joke blind date' with a guy a week ago but she had found that she liked him and is going to see him again tonight. She says it is over but she wants to stay friends. I hope that she is just on the rebound with this guy (though she said 'he is a really nice guy and they are very similar people')... I talked with my friends who suggested I stay in contact and have fun with her as a friend so she would enjoy our time together again. And so we are meeting tomorrow night because I want to talk things through with her and she wants to be friends... Should I stay friends and try to woo her back (and if so how?) or should I cut off and hope she misses me and 'comes to her senses'. Or am I just deluding myself? Thanks very much in advance for any advice you can give...