Prestin

Well, your contact was hopefully like a „chance" meeting to her (meaning she does not think it was arranged by you...). So this was the first time in 30 days you actually saw each other? Good to hear that it was not an emotional setback for you. I dont know what effect such „chance" encounters have on the ex... Is it equal to breaking the contact (e.g. by calling them, as I wanted to do yesterday)? Does it set back the situation, i.e. that now they have seen you again and miss you less? Or do such chance encouters have the opposite effect, that they miss you more? In this case I assume of course that your ex really has seen a person, completely different from the one she left... Please keep us updated. In your situation I would probably first wait and see how the next contacts (initiated by her) will be like...

Thanks for all your encouraging replies luckystar, Athena and Daedalus. I am sure I can hold the no contact for a longer time. Next weekend for example I am travelling and meeting some old friends. Should be a nice distraction.. However the reason why I thought of calling her was not (so much) my needyness, but more that I could improve my chances. O.k. on the one hand its the classical situation: she broke up with me and I should have her calling me first. But at the moment she broke up with me I repeatedly said to her, that I could never ever imagine being „just friends" with her. I told her if she leaves me, then thats it. No way back. I know now that it was foolish to set such an ultimatum. And of course it was just the desperation itself that made me saying this. I cannot read her mind, but I imagine that this may not leave her the option to initiate casual contact with me. I think that when the person who dumped you contacts you after some „no contact" phase, it is in the beginning in a „just-friends" manner. Everything is open. Just as if you have just met somebody new. What I thought I could achive with such a short casual call was to tell her (between the lines): I am doing fine, I can hear your voice without falling into desperation. I would definitely keep the call very short, not more than the eight minutes, as suggested in this forum (for the case the ex calls). There are plenty ways to achieve a short call, even when you initiated it (e.g. a ringing door bell). Another complication in my case compared to the normal no contact situation is the long distance between us (four hours driving). This means that she will not know by other means what a great time I am having without her. If you live in the same town and bump into each other once in a while this is much more easy. They can see if you are having fun, flirting with other women etc.... In the long distance situation however, the only way the dumper might – indirectly - infer what a great time you are having is by no message. Any other opinions on the „complete closure by the dumpee"- and „long distance relationship"- variation of the NoContactRule? Do these variations make any difference? Thanks for your support so far! I'll definitely not get weak for now with the NC... 8)

I am at nine days of „no contact" now, and I am wondering whether I should call my ex. My problem with the „no contact" is that I want to know if she is missing me at all. If she would not miss me, it would be final, and I could go on with my life (I am doing that already, but at a too slow speed). I would like to call her just for a few minutes. I would keep the conversation very casual (I'm quite good at this, if I have to), and it would be just an extended version of „how is it going?". I could enter another no contact phase after that. And if I had the impression that she did not miss me at all, it would be more easy for me to forget her completely. Just a little background to my story. My g/f left me after 7 months. In the first months we were on both sides extremely enthusiastic, calling each other and texting, emailing all the time. We were living in different towns, separated by about 4 hours, so we could not see each only on the weekends. But when we did, we had a great time together. Things started to crumble after about half a year, during Christmas time. She went to her hometown for four weeks, and I suggested to visit her for a few days there so that we could see each other at least once during this „long" time (I think that this kind of needyness drove her away from me). There were many moments in this Chrismas holiday when she behaved cold towards me. I was quite affected by her lack of enthusiasm, and unfortunately I did the mistake of giving her even more love and attention. There were some moments when I also retreated, and during these moments she showed in fact revived enthusiasm. Unfortunately, at this time I was too involved to realize that this was actually the way to go. Overall I was giving her ever more attention in the following weeks, until it was too late. Anyway, four weeks ago she broke up with me . The very moment she told me on the phone I was neither begging nor pleading, but I said that I would not want to be „just friends", the reason being that I feel too much for her (she said that she would like to stay friends with me). Her reason for the break up was that her feelings for me were getting weaker and she would rather want to stop now than going on unmotivated (as she must have done since Christmas). We had three contacts since the break-up. The first contact was when I called her four days later. It was really just a very casual call. She was very enthusiastic when I called her, and it seemed that she was not completely over me (she said things like, she had been thinking about me a lot, and made some other indications that she had been missing me, although she did not state it explicitely). I was quite encouraged. Five days later I met her, which was unavoidable, as I had a business visit in the company she worked at. We went for dinner with some other colleagues and I did not have a chance to talk to her privately. But I set up a date with her for the next day, when I was about to leave to my town. Then I made another mistake , because I was starting to talk about our relationship and what I thought what had been going wrong. She completely blocked me off at this moment. I instantly realized my mistake, switched topics and we had nicer discussion after that. So when I left an hour later, the situation was relaxed again. The next contact was more than a week later. I knew she was traveling for some days and I called her two days after she was coming back. It was a short and relaxed call, just catching up on recent events. I was the one ending the conversation after about 20 min. She seemed to want to continue, starting two times with new topics when I was already starting to wish her a nice evening... Since then I have been in non-contact for nine days. She has not tried to contact me. I am not sure if she ever will, since I was excluding the „just friends" situation at the moment of the break up. Maybe now she thinks that if she would call me, I would instantly think that she wants me back. Maybe this puts too much pressure on her. So my question is: would a little call, just some five or ten minutes of chit chat (to check the situation) destroy the whole effect of the no contact strategy? Do I really have to wait for her to initiate contact?