turqoise

sd, nice post! Are there other guys that agree with this?? ps. This is exactly what I find sexy in a guy or a girl!

I think what kuhl meant was penetration with your fingers. Either way, if there`s sperm in your precum, and they come in contact with liquid they will swim where it goes. Doesn`T matter whether you`re actually having sex or not, if they get into liquid that leads to the egg, they swim for it. From what I`ve learnt, in your case I think there`s only a slight chance, like everyone says. But if you`re paranoid, it might just be easier to go to the family planning clinic for a morning after pill, rather than stress about it for the next month.

Hey, just a voice of support.

ok. thanks.

I was reading this thread and wanted to say it`s been helpful for me too. Juliana, this was great - it put the casue of the way I`m feeling away from me and in a helpful objective view. thankyou. Bestrongbehappy, what you said was awesome too. Hit the nail on the head for me - I have a loving family, but I have self esteem issues which come up in relationships due to feelings of abandonment. They seemed to have been rooted in the way my parents trained me to sleep on my own really young, and cos I have a sensitive personality. It`s amazing, it`s not even someting I remember.

thanks jabele. well, that`s just it - i absolutely can`t imagine myself being sexual with a woman and i have always loved being sensual with my past boyfriends. I enjoy sex. I like being held by a guy i really like and having him inside me. It`s my mind that seems to be giving me the idea that I`m gay.

Quiet girl and unface, I think you guys` difference is just about whether the law lays down the last word for you, or whether your morals do. ie. is that kind of sex allowed under law? v is that kind of sex morally ok? Laws are made up by people so should reflect general morals of the society they represent. The whole idea of obeying the law is that you are supporting the society so you can live peacefully. On the other hand, though the law has power over people, it is not an unchangeable absolute, having been created by people. There are varying philosophies, and values always change - so it`s not wrong to question existing law either. If you think womens` rights, euthanasia, marijuana, drinking ages, abortion...etc, people around the world have had the same debate

Thanks for the info James. No I hadn`t heard of the term and I had no idea that it can even be painful! Is that really true?? When people said that guys had to climax, I thought it just meant that they had more sex drive...now I know for next time. You seem like a nice guy; good luck with the alcohol thing and talking with your girlfriend.

I remember I was around 12 when I discovered libido - heehe, I got turned on trying on a pad! I wonder if you`re 12, you can have sexual desire, but because you have the mind of a child, sex might feel more like a pleasurable game? I was 21/22, he was 23. Despite me thinking- wow, so THIS is sex-I gave in to my second boyfriend because I couldn`t hold my libido. He didn`t care how important it was to me so I felt empty afterwards. I had tried so hard to wait for marriage... I`m jealous of everyone who had a beautiful, loving first time-the kind of soul-penetrating experience that it can be!

I wonder..if you have the opportunity to make out with a girl, should you do it to see if you really are a lesbian? what are the possible consequences?

hello, it`s been almost 3 months for me since I made email contact with him; 6 months since I last saw him - but we live in different countries now. Every time I gave inand emailed it hurt cos I anticipated a reply that never came, and when it did it just left me feeling more insecure and dependent on him to be happy. Lately, each time I feel like contacting him, I read posts here, and I posted one myself the other day - and got lots of great comments giving me the strength to keep me on track. Everyone here is great. I do admit that the first months were Excruciating..I couldn`t stop thinking about him. I didn`t want to throw out stuff from him, reread old emails from him, thought about writing him, calling him...all the things that everyone says you shouldn`t do. One thing I did do which helped early on, was I wrote letters and emails to him which I never sent, plus i created a blog anonymously just venting out my feelings; it made me feel slightly better thinking htat there was this possibility that he might be reading it and feeling bad too. Hmm, I don`t know how helpful this was, but I do know that you`re doing the right thing with NC. Of the several painful paths open to you, believe it or not, I`d say apart from something like hypnotherapy, this is the quickest, and in the best intersts of your future happiness.

Just a guess, but I think there are four kinds of people: 1. Those happy with themselves and single 2. Those happy with themselves and in a mutually uplifting relationship. 3. Those unsatisfied with themselves 4. Those unsatisfied with themselves and in a mutually dependent relationship. I`ve been in each of the 4 positions, and I`d guess that it`s easier to find and maintain a relationship if you`re happy to begin with. I like to believe that there`s someone for everyone if you want someone...but I do wonder if there`a kind of person that stays single all their lives unintentionally- like your uncle bob or aunt may, or that lady next door. Is it a social skill that lacks, giving in too quickly, genetics, closet homosexuality...???

don`t know if anyone is still reading, but I have another question... I also have an ex boyfriend who seems keen to stay in touch with me, and was thinking about sending him a card. I was the one that broke it off with him two years ago, and I think he still loves me. We have written the occasional email, and I have told him clearly that he is only a friend to me. He`s written me an email recently asking for my new number. I don`t want to hurt him - should I write and explain or just not write back, maybe I shouldn`t send him a card after all...

Thank you guys, for the straight up replies, esp robowarriors. That really was like a jolt of thunder. I think that`s what I needed. Right, OK, I`m continuing NC.

Hey Scout, Just want to say I found your post so helpful. When you see the possible alternate futures, it makes for strong pursuasion to put your happiness first...

I know it sounds a silly question, but I`d appreciate some opinions. I had a very bad breakup with this guy, and have suffered depression as a result for about 8 months. It`s now much better, plus after reading this site I have refrained from contact with him for 3 months. But it`s card time coming up and I`m a sentimental one - I still take the occasion to send them to friends I care about. This guy, I still care about - I knew that when I first met him, he was more like a brother, and that I had an strong sisterly love towards him. our mistake was that we became lovers. Although we broke up badly, and I admit I still have traces of `we made such a good couple..`, I can handle not gettin back together with him - I just want to be in his life like a sister he can talk to. I know he`s moved house, but don`t know anything else, though I suspect h may have found someone else to go out with. I would still like to send him a card cos I think it`s a nice thing to receive at this time of year, especially when you don`t have your family around, but I don`t want him to feel like I`m trying to get back with him, and I would be really hurt I felt reluctance on his part if I asked for his new address. I`m torn whether to listen to this caring side, even just the fact that it`s a ritual of mine, or whether this is just remnants of a rejected ex feeling and could do me more damage i don`t need. What should I do?

Hi, I`m glad you sound like you want to find a new therapist cos I totally agree with everyone else here. When I researched about depression treatments, I read A LOT of blogs where people found therapy made them worse, and advice: it is tricky to find a good therapist, and one that suits you personally. It`s a pain, but shop around to find the one that understands you, makes you feel helped, and with whom you feel totally comfortable with. I went to my doctor, and he referred me to a couple of therapists he thought were good. I also went to a naturopath student (cheaper cos she was practising for her last year at Uni, and great cos lecturers double-checked everything) who helped my depression by prescribing supplements, exercises, and referred two or three different kinds of therapists. I guess you could just check out the phone book or websites, though personally I feel like it cuts down the researching when people recommend people to you. I rang up three of them and talked about 20 mins each; one seemed professional, but was abrupt and put me on hold - I already felt uncomfortable; the second a bit waffly-sounding though easy to talk to; and the third nice enough to try out. As it is, I am following recommendations to not start therapy until the supplements have healed my depression enough as therapy too early on can sometimes be unhelpful. Good luck. All in all, in my experience, the naturopath was the best first point of help, because she not only helped directly and very in-depth, but also referred me to various specialist psychotherapists. The doctor was OK, but recommended much narrower options, and had much less time for me. One more thing. One therapist explained this when I asked - psychotherapy is divided into two general schools. Most therapists follow the school of getting patients to talk and remember past experiences to find the root of the problem. Other therapists follow the school of cognitive behaviour therapy, which is newer, and tries to identify current unwanted patterns of thought, and reprogramme these through exercises. It might be helpful to know which is more suited to you (personally, I was recommended the latter though I have yet to try it). Good luck

I still get nervous when there`s more than one person I`m talking to, afraid to be left out. The things that have helped me the most are: 1. start with talking in a pair situation rather than a group. 2. listen to them - show this by asking questions. 3. when you practice and get comfortable with 1&2 you will find yourself adding comments of your own spontaneously. 4. in a group situation, go back to 2. One thing I do which stops people from listening, is not finishing my sentences with conviction. So people get used to thinking that I`m through talking when I start fading off mid-sentence and talk over me. Similarly, I went through a phase where I agreed with everything everyone said and laughing. Same thing - people expected me to not say anything worthwhile so talked over me. Lastly, I think it`s also important to make sure you`re in a group where you`re comfortable with what they talk about in general. If they talk about things that aren`t interesting to you or on the same level, it`s going to be hard to gain confidence trying to talk with them. ps. with you wanting to jump in, I think it`s ok if it`s just to voice agreement. a short burst of `yeah!` will not stop the flow of the person who`s talking, and encourage them you`re listening and enthusiastic, plus you can feel like you`ve expressed yourself spontaneously.

I like what slightlybent said and pretty much agree. 1. What is emotional independence to you? 2. What is the different between depending on your partner for emotional support, being too clingy, and emotional independence? Independence emotionally is when you can choose not to REACT to or desire outside objects. Instead, you ACT. REACTIONS are emotions like anger, lust, jealousy, fear, longing...choose to lose these and you`re left with the one sense that isn`t caused by a reaction - love. 3. Has relationship makes you emotionally more mature? no, more experienced. Maturity requires reduced ego. 4. There is a saying, "Love make people insane and blind." What is your opinion about it? it`s relative 5. How to be emotionally self sufficient? Identify areas where you`re not, find their root in your past and yank it out. Create and continue to expand your own real happiness first. If you practice acting with love, you will give freedom to others and seek others that do the same. (sorry its a bit fluffy...)

Heylo, I read your post and felt like I`ve been your girlfriend too. So, to add to Sinas` helpful insight, here`s how I have changed, and how I did it. I acted similarly with my second boyfriend (Mike) of 3 years. Since then I`ve had 3 relationships, each less than a year. Mike was my first serious boyfriend, I knew he wasn`t the One, but I liked him enough to be with him. I found it hard to trust people, and because he was sweet, I opened up to him about how I had a fear of being abandoned by my friends. It was after that, that I wanted to share every depressed feeling I had. Sometimes he would be able to handle me, and other times, like you, if he happened to say something even slightly `wrong` it would trigger crying etc. This got more frequent, until we finally broke up. I may have manipulated him emotionally, but without realising it as i was so caught up in myself...and just very recently I think I have found the root of the problem. I think there were two, actually: 1. That we were just not right for each other. As much as we liked (and told each other we loved) each other, I knew at the bottom of my heart that he wasn`t someone I could trust with my life, or who I could find both fulfillment and freedom with. I just distracted myself because I wanted the comfort so much. Looking back, I would have tried harder to be honest to myself, and break up with him. 2. I was very insecure. I recently realised that it started when I was about 2 years old, being abandoned in a sense by my parents. My whole life (without really realising) I went through life thinking I was alone and it was me against the world. I had a shield though which I would not even let parents or friends through. In effect, I WAS alone. Imagine then, meeting someone, who by definition is supposed to be the person you can confide, trust in, and love and love back? You think that person is your brother-in-arms, that you will no longer battle life alone, but have somewhere to show your weakness, rest and still be loved. So in my case (and it sounds so similar to your girlfriend), I demanded a lot from him, and felt rejected very easily and utterly when he said no. The solution to no2, which I recently found, was this. I realise I was seeking the type of comfort I needed in the wrong person. The kind of comfort I needed was everything I had wanted from my parents - unconditional love, support, always being there, easing pain, without being expected anything in return - the kind of dependent love a child has. My parents and I talked a few days ago about this, and it came out as pent up tears, and I realised just how fndamentally it tied in with my insecurity. It was thanks to identifying the root of my insecurity that has changed me to be able to face my next relationship as someone who can have a non-dependent relationship. I wonder if it would help your girlfrend to do the same.

Eeehee, totally know that feeling. It`s so nice to be swept away~ I reckon the world is split into two kinds of people - those who have self control and those who let emotions get the better of them. It`s hard being the latter!! Well, I don`t know. It depends if you`re OK if this turns out to be a little fun, I guess. Having said that, if you`re like me, that time alone with the guy has probably just melted you and you`re going to want to see where this goes...one thing that my sister said to me once (which didn`t stop me, but made me be honest with myself having this tiny niggling feeling) was `is he the one? do your senses tell you he`S the one you`re going to marry? be totally honest`. One grandma I talked to after my last breakup, which was really really bad, told me about how she picked her guys. She said that one guy asked her to a dance on their first date, and though he was nice and she liked him, for half the night she caught him checking out other girls, and so she told him that very night not to call and never saw him again! (I wouldn`T have the willpower to do that) Then she met her current husband and knew he was the one...some people seem to be able to just do what`s good for them.

No prob. Anytime.

My ex was upset for exactly the same thing, and now I understand why he was so upset! Is it really that bad if a guy can`t climax after that? I don`T know if it`s just me, but when I`m fooling around with someone, it doesn`t bother me if I don`T climax because it still felt good. When my guy got upset like you did, I got annoyed that he was making a big deal about something that I wouldn`t have gotten grumpy about. So yeah, maybe it`s a difference between guys and girls that needs to talked through a bit?

hello. heehe, that`S the same problem I have. And there`s no way I`m going to walk into a gay bar! And how do you tell someone else swings that way?

Well, this is what I`ve learned about it from doing a ton of research. Some doctors won`t even know all the ways of treatment because depression has only been recognised the last 40 yrs. Anyway, basically, when you have depression your brain gets into stress mode really easily, and stays stressed longer than usual. This stressed state means that you have more `panic`chemicals making your brain work, and `happy` chemicals get used up quickly(excuse the simplified description). It`s when your brain keeps running out of happy chemicals that you enter the state of depression. (There are different kinds of depression, but you might be just always feeling sad, lonely, even hopeless. Other characteristics can be lethargic, not being able to do simple tasks, not sleeping or eating like usual, indecisiveness, poor memory and concentration. ) If you`ve been like this more than 2 weeks, it`s likely you have depression. If you leave it untreated, the area of the brain responsible for producing the happy chemicals actually begins to shrink, making it even harder to just become happy by just willing it (though it can be restored through treatment). The supplement treatment that I`m on, was given by a naturotherapist (or naturopath, I think they`re sometimes called). It helped me more in 1 week than what counselling did for me in 4 months. I went to a student naturopath, at a college near where I live for about 20 dollars NZ. That`s 10 dollars US. But if you went to a practising one, it would probably cost 2 or three times more. They are like doctors, except they give you natural supplements, herbs, diets, massages or methods, with the idea that conditions can`t just be a quick fix, but need to be fixed wholistically. She saw me for an hour and a half listening to my story as well as checking me physically, then gave me the prescription, along with heaps of other things I could do to help myself get better. 6 weeks later I am so much better, everyone around me is amazed at how i`m becoming my old self again. The more conventional option is the doctor, who can prescribe antidepressants. Be careful though, as they can have side effects, and can be addictive, plus take about 3 weeks before kicking in. After reading a ton of accounts of people taking these, I decided that supplements won hands down.