Afraid to be alone

Why...I suppose if I knew that I wouldn't be here so confused. I am the kind of person who would gladly die for the ones I love. And I know being gay would hurt them, our way of life is a bit behind the times. My family would disown me for it, and even the guy who I do like, I can't see being around forever. Perhaps I am simply to messed up in my own head to make someone happy. I have to get through my own problems before I figure I can take someone else on my shoulders with me. I suppose I have been for a while now, this is not something I have been working through since Yesterday, but years. I want to feel loved, and want to love someone in return. I wish sex wasn't in the picture at all, it would make things so much easier. I was born that way I guess, while other kids thought of bats, bases, and balls. I thought of boobs, butts, and babe. I craved sex, even before I fully understood what it was. Pure desire was the only thing that I knew, not right or wrong, man or woman. Only pleasure and Lust. They almost caught me once, but I played it off pretty well. After that I kept a tight lid on it, for even if I didn't understand what I was doing. I knew it wasn't something for adults to know about. It was easy, I knew being sucked and sucking felt good. Better then I was able to describe at the age and even now can only call Bliss. Since I was able to slip in hints and play them like a fiddle. I could get the biggest Anti-gay in the world had I wanted him back then. Of course I am sure it had mainly to do with my childish body.

Really I only created this account because the Internet is the only place I can talk about this, get it off my chest and not have to worry about it coming back to haunt me. For I know what I am about to say, I shall likely never say again. I have no Idea where to start, or why I am even posting this. Perhaps it is because a door in my life is about to shut forever. You see I am a pretty good looking guy, my looks are much better then my personality. Because I am good looking I often attract people, however I repel them just as quickly since I have no desire to be around people. As a child I didn't think having sex with men made me gay, it was simply the easiest way for me to get what I wanted. I had more partners by the age of 12 then some people have in there entire life. All men, some older, most my age. I learned that I could use my words to get what I wanted, and just about anyone I met gladly and sucked me. My powers didn't work on girls, but I knew a guys head was in his pants and if you could get him hard he was yours. As I got older I did have sex with a few girls, none of which gave me any pleasure. I found I couldn't reach climax with them, no mater how many hours we went at it. I wasn't turned off since I stayed hard, yet I wore them out much sooner then I could even dream of climaxing. For a long time I was a solo act, girls weren't useful and I wasn't going to be gay, I didn't want the trouble it involved. I would much rather live a quite life by myself then one with another man. Even if that was the kind of person I was attracted to. At least sexually. One person was an open gay, whom I liked a lot. However my fear of being different drove him away. I know we would be happy together, however I also know mentally I could never except a life with him. I would push him away with the desire to love a woman and be normal. So here I am a self hating gay, who doesn't hate gays only the idea that I am one. I know its wrong of me to hide who I am, but in the end I can only bring sorrow into the lives of anyone I meet. I cannot be pleased by a girl physically, and I can't be happy with a man Mentally.