turqoise

If it`s like a first kiss with someone, and I feel them get one, it`s not flattering like it is with a boyfriend. Hey I have a question for the gentlemen - what do you think when you see girls/own girlfriend with erect nipples under their tops? Is it a turn on, embarrassing, funny, good, bad...???

When I feel depressed (not sad) I can never feel better if someone tries to just cheer me up. In fact, I feel even worse if I`m told things like `everyone gets like that` `it`ll get better` `let`s just go out and you`ll forget about it`etc. My mum used to do that to me until I was yelling and crying how bad I felt... and still she would throw back the same old. She just didn`t know the right things to say I guess. So if someone`s really upset, I`ve always tried to really acknowledge their negative feelings first because I know that`s what would have made me feel better. Then I recently read that actually we should not only acknowledge but acknowledge emphatically someone`s negative feelings with empathy to help it get out of their system. As in: `You`re totally right in feeling as bad as you do! This was such a horrible thing to happen to you, no wonder you feel so miserable!`. Must be sincere. You then declare a positive quality that makes them valuable to them or the group they`re in. eg ` Your jokes always makes everyone happier and brings the atmosphere up.` Apparently this, especially done by multiple people, is hugely effective in helping someone lose a lot of their depressive feelings and feel a lot better. I thought that if I`d had a group of people all do that for me when I was down, wow, that would have totally helped. Was wondering if anyone else thinks so too? And if so, I thought it would be nice to try doing this next time for someone who comes here feeling down...?

eehee, let`s get married lol

Hugs from me too. Totally know how you feel, and when you`re down you`re down no matter which way you look at it. Is lithium an antidepressant? I don`t know how much you know abut the physical side of depression, but the right vitamin supplements build the broken bits of your brain up and boost neurotransmitter production. No side effects. This little meditation helped to let out the sadness. Imagine 3 people around a campfire. One is you as a little girl, one is you now, and one is you as an old woman. Choose to be one of them and tell the others about how you feel -sad, hopeless, depressed..let everything out in detail. Then be the old woman and comfort the one that`s sad, say lots of things that she needs to hear from you. It sounds a bit dumb, but it works well.

In terms of what he`s thinking, well maybe you should be asking him instead of us about that...stuff like this might be embarrassing but he`s going to appreciate that you trust him enough to tell him your feelings and fears. Plus he`s supposed to be your mate for life, your most intimate and trusted companion; this is why you want to be with him right? (unless you had some sort of arranged marriage?) If it`s any comfort, I was really freaked out when I first did it, and even though he understood and made me feel comfortable, it took 3 tries on 3 separate occasions. I found it was easier when I was on top the first time. In terms of what he`s physically feeling, well I recently learned that it can be uncomfortable or painful for guys unless they ejaculate in a situation like that...maybe a guy can tell you more - but maybe you could help him let it out in other ways in the meantime? I think the main thing is that he knows how scared you are about it so he knows to take it really slowly, and so that he knows that he`s not just being rejected! Like another poster said, lots of communication. When you try it, take it only as fast as you feel happy, and don`t worry if you find you still can`t. When it does happen you want it to be a memorable experience that you both enjoy!

For me I wasn`t really raised in one religion, though I wouldn`t say I was ever athieist. I read picture books of a couple of different religions when I was still young, then pondered the big questions in life in my early teens. I`m sure my parents were a bit worried but they just kind of sat back, answered any questions they could and let me choose. In reading around a bit I eventually found a set of ideas that made sense to me. I always stayed open and flexible and when I stumbled onto something else that also made sense, I would learn about that too. On the other hand, if a certain idea or practice didn`t feel right after taking a look into it, I would let it go. Sort of like adjusting a diet i guess. There are lots of wise ways of thinking and living, but at the core, most major religions and life philosophies tend to try to help you realise the same basic thing. Love and happiness and how to do it harmoniously. It`s just a matter of how they choose to formalise it, or ritualise it, or symbolise it, detailise (?) it, or teach it, or get you to conceptualise it or learn it. So what ends up on the surface can seem quite different, and this is where you might find that one body of ideas clicks better with you than another. In terms of family and friends, I live in quite an areligious society, so people tend to be pretty accepting of what you practice. Now that I think about it, it`s not really something that I`ve really wanted to talk about with other people, so I don`t know what my friends and family believe. I guess I hope that people can see where my heart is from my actions. Good luck Follow your heart/spirit/soul.

I`m Japanese but not brought up in Japan. That makes me genetically japanese, but culturally, probably about 40%. Thank you- that`s what I needed to hear Ahha, that too. I get way too ahead of myself...honestly if my body had to follow my mind... Yeah, I know what you`re saying makes sense. And wish everyone thought and treated each other with equality, individuality and respect. The thing is that when you`re the one facing potential prejudice, it`s pretty scary. It`s just hard when you`re faced with having traditional ideals challenged. Plus you realise how important it is to be accepted, and when I first considered I might not be straight, one of the first things I worried about was who would judge me for that, based on past things they`ve said, jokes etc. And in reality, there are still many people can`t be totally accepting. I think it`s the same core problem with conflicting schools of thought, religion, politics etc. Acceptance of each other is everything for people to allow themselves and others be themselves without worrying, conflicting, fear etc. But yeah, there are also lots of people who can accept others, like some people who come here, so I guess it ain`t all bad.

I just reread my last post, and boy does it sound full of caution...I actually started off with something else but I guess my continuous editing changed the tone a bit. What I really wanted to say, was, if you know you want to go, then go for it! I`m a believer that our lives are here exactly so we can experience all we can. I always find that if I`m feeling uncertain and throw questions out to people, the answers that I have affinity towards show me where I want to go -and looking at your replies, it seems the same for you. Find people that give you lots of encouragement and energy towards whatever you want to embark in. Let your heart show you where to go; use your head to help you get there Yay~ good luck!

Hey ho! Any new thoughts are appreciated! I haven`t had to think about this in a while, so I`m no further in discovering whether I am or not! Though an interesting thing I realised is that lately I`m awkwardly aware of the other person`s boobs if I`m hugging a girl. Does that mean anything?? anway. In answer to your question, yes, I was brought up that way, big time. It`s partly because I`m a romantic at heart and partly because of this cultural upbringing. Japan tends to be a bit stuck in the older times and there are still many women who quit jobs and happily take care of cooking and housework. To be fair, there is a strong focus on the value of family, and I think it`s partly a recognition that the family has to be taken care of by someone, and this caretaker role is one that women take pride in. But part of this also is the belief that finding love and then having children are basically the biggest happiness you can win in life. I`m a firm believer that people should follow their dreams, but I also dream of finding that person who I would love and be able to raise a family with. Maybe it`s the biological clock ticking that makes this idea more and more appealing; maybe it`s because as friends find their own partners and lives I feel more and more alone; and because I don`t have a concrete goal to focus on right now, I end up thinking about that. But either way, if I became the most successful artist or whatever, I would still be sad at the end of the day if I didn`t have a family to go home to and share it with.

yeah!

hmm, it sounds like you aren`t really doing what you wanted in life??? And you don`t like your current living arrangements. Older people have advised me, it`s never a good idea to go overseas to get away from something. But do you want to go to canada not just to escape your situation but because you`re really interested in going there? I would make sure that you know in your heart first what it is that you want (not just knowing what you don`t want), because the strength in this is enormous. People either seem to be the type who are happy (or stuck) working whatever job they can get, or the type where they aren`t happy unless they are following their dreams. Your college degree wasn`t a waste of time, but it also doesn`t set your life course in concrete. It`s one qualification. It can be the starting point for a career; used as a step toward something else; or cushion you when you take risks.

I don`t know how easy for someone with a qualification like yours to get a job over the internet, but if that proves difficult, it is always easier to find a job once you`re physically there in the country. Especially if you`re planning on doing the au pair thing for 2 years first, if you`re determined, then I think that`ll set you up for a good chance of finding further employment and obtain a work visa. (Check work visa conditions etc on Canadian embassy sites). Of course, there are always lots of websites to jobhunt etc, and I`d go throughthe regular hoops too. But to increase your chances, and have more support, I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to go there and meet as many people as you can. While being an au pair in Canada, if you join circles where you can employ your qualifications (eg offering to help a GD company with your Spanish skills, giving GD, Spanish and photography classes at local night schools, volunteering teaching Spanish at local schools, offering tuition at Uni etc) to help people, even as a volunteer, can lead to meeting many people. The more people you meet and good relationships you build, the more likely it is that you will find opportunities to help you find further employment or whatever. That is how it worked with me in Germany, too. I went as an english teaching assistant through the embassy (there are several European and ASian countries that I know of that offer this annually - just apply through embassy websites) only knowing a few words of German, and knowing absolutely noone there, but made friends with people through teaching, tutoring and attending courses, who all helped me learn the ropes. I learned enough that I found a position through the internet and a language school offered me a long-term position 9 months later (though I didn`t end up doing it). Another friend of mine who`s a chef, went to France not speaking a word of French or English. He met some people through the language school he enrolled in first- one of them introduced him to a restaurant that was looking for a Jpaanese chef, and another had an apartment that they were looking to lend out! He`s now got a 10 year contract there. hope that`s given you some encouragement! You can do it

Thanks everyone for your replies; i think i`m going to not reply, as hard as that is to think im actually being kind.

I agree with blender. You probably aren`t on the same page at a deeper level. If you are thinking this now (whether it`s her presents, or how she`s too cute all the time), it`s only going to get worse. Not only will you find more things bother you, she will also feel more upset ..unless you both see this as a casual relationship I`d take this opportunity to think about making yourself available to someone that suits you better, and her too.

gotcha, thanks. It`s just that it feels like such an unnatural thing to not respond, plus I hate thinking that I`m being mean. But it`s for his good, isn`t it. Man, I think I would never be able to be one of those tough love parents..

Hello, Sorry if this seems like a stupid question - but advice would be appreciated as I`m really dumb at this kind of thing. My ex from 2 relationships ago sent me an electronic Christmas card. It was me that broke up with him almost 2 years ago but I don`t think he`s over me, judging from a couple of email exchanges we had when I returned to the country in June. I have kept NC since I realised this was the case because I don`t want him to get false hopes, and even took him off the group email list when I sent out a Christmas greeting. I`d feel really mean if I didn`t at least reply, but on the other hand wouldn`t it hurt him more in the long run if I did respond?

What else does your neighbour say? (How do you get into conversations like this with your neighbour?? I con`t think I could do it for fear of getting into too serious a conversation...) I`ve come to believe that if you love each other enough then you will be able to let each other achieve their goals and dreams first...I have compromised a relationship once for something I wanted to do and though my heart was torn at the time, looking back I am so glad that I continued to follow my dream and not put the relationship first. But then it turns out he wasn`t the One... I guess what I want to ask is, isn`t it a good thing to be focussed on achieving your own goals? Isn`t the perfect relationship like an additional bonus- something that can exist because there are two independent people involved? Because I can`t really see it happening the other way around....

Juliana, thanks for your insight. With me, I find the CBT so far seems to address thoughts which have been problematic for me, and it feels like a relief going through those pages. But I imagine it would feel different for someone whom CBT isn`t able to help. I approach medical treatments with a lot of skeptism knowing that it is only as good as what it has so far discovered...and I admit I follow my intuition when it comes to judging whether something is right for me or not, which has served me well so far. You know, the BPD you mentioned - do you have it? There is a book called The Wisdom of African Healing, by malidoma patrice Some, which, if you`re into understanding your condition, is unconventional and refreshing.

I`m no nutritionist, though my sister goes to see one, and if you are concerned about the balance of your diet, maybe it would be a worthwhile visit. Though typically what I eat would be soy milk and an apple in the morning, salad, veges and crackers with tuna for lunch, rice and grilled fish with braised veges for dinner, then seaweed jelly and green tea for dessert. It doesn`t sound like much, but I eat as much veges as I want and I feel comfortably fed. General rules that I try to follow (following various info and advice): -veges 3 times a day, making up at least half of the meal. -don`t eat at least 3 hours before sleep (what you eat isn`t used up and is stored in your body while you sleep). -Avoid too much white bread, potatoes, pasta, rice. They hold lots of energy. -with exercise, do something that you find genuinely stimulating, otherwise you won`t stick with it. good luck. Im also bloated from dinner plus leftovers!

eehee, sorry sorry, didn`t mean to make you older! I was just a bit lazy in clumping my sentences together Totally agree. Though unfortunately, I don`t know many older people who can consistantly give me sound advice on the things I need most advice on. sidenote-I recently read somewhere that our society is valuing youthfulness more and more, because ageing points to senality and worthlessness. You get this generation of knowledge-arrogant young adults. It`s as if people forget that getting older can mean getting wiser too. I had this tickley thought the other day about how it would be great if retired people could hang out at primary schools. How awesome would that be?

Basically you just have to balance the amount you eat with how much energy you use every day. But gaining a bit of weight is also inevitable around this time of year! I would not just focus on dieting, but adjusting your eating lifestyle (ie. a longterm change you can keep up). But if you`re feeling sickly from eating too much, a detox diet can clean out your system, give you energy and put you on the right track. You just eat fruit, veges and nuts for 7 days. Eat as much as you like, but no seasonings at all, and no caffeine or alcohol, and last meal must be at 6pm. After the 7 days, just ease back to whatever healthy eating lifestyle you want to maintain.

Those who love their partners think they are perfect - PERFECT -already. It sounds like he thinks he`s settling for second best with you. Or enjoying control over you. Attraction and selfishness may seem a lot like love, but it will only destroy you (and him) bit by bit. A good way to tell the difference - selfishness and attraction makes you look into each other`s eyes; love makes you stand side by side and look toward the same horizon. It seems you`ve had lots of time to think this through, and you`ve appealed now to this forum. You`re not being paranoid. I would take that as a red flag. If I were your family, based on what you`ve said, I would tell you, OK he`s attractive but not perfect - don`t settle for someone who`s second-best. Make yourself available for the person who is perfect for you.

Huge big hug for your caring attitude toward your relative. It is easier to say as a bystander, but especially in times of stress, remember to step back, breathe, and gaze at the big picture from time to time. It is easy to get tangled in details otherwise. As for: Completely apart from the question of job or money or age - this may or may not be relevant and you might not care to answer - what was your dream/passion?

What a great thread! I love hearing the experiences of older people and the great advice they can give. NOthing beats the words of experience. Poloplayer, I hear yours

Yay! The tea thread`s alive again Now that it`s summer in my end of the world, I`m looking forward to iced mint tea, and iced peach tea. mmm~