turqoise

I thought it was about your relationship doubts when you first posted about moving, but your last post makes me think that perhaps it`s more about fear of moving?? Maybe you posted because if you could see your relationship being strong, then you could feel justified in moving. I could be wrong, I`m just observing a possibilty. Either way, it is sounding like your desire to move has existed before the relationship began, so then why not go for it. If this guy is giving you some kind of ultimatum then I`d consider just taking it at your own pace - I`m sure you could easily find a job there yourself later and keep an easygoing relationship with him.

Yay~ you know where it`s at. let us know how it spins out, and good luck for exams.

Thank you for your post and advice. Well, I guess there is a link then. I`ve been doing things that would usually provoke a response from my parents and I think they understand that I`m trying to get over this fear of them, though its probably not the best way, as my heart just ends up beating nervously, worried about when they`ll say something. I`m not exaclt sure how else I can face my mother`s anger... I`m at home most of the time, partly because I`m not supposed to work while I`ve been recovering fro depression, and partly because of this new fear of people that has emerged. It makes me more nervous to see old friends because of how they would judge me for how quiet, superficial or uninteresting I`ve become so I`ve avoided seeing anyone apart from family. So I`m not sure how to make new friends without feeling pressured. That`s partly why I come to this site regularly at the moment. During the day, I`m getting more and more restless, yet still feeling fearful. I`ll try to notice my feelings and act on them rather than let other people`s opinions smother them. Like with what I have to eat or what I want to do on a particular moment. What do you mean by this: ?

You know. You said these yourself. That`s your heart trying to tell you in its little voice. You sound very attached, you`re determined to stay in this relationship, and you bring up all the reasons why you should. I still stand by my first post. ps. it`s not a matter of whether he likes you only for sex or genuinely; it`s the fact that you`re not sure where you stand with him. I`d tell you to risk it if you were more like: `I`m certain he really loves me, and I completely love him too, but I`m not sure if I should move`.

in nz we ask. `so what should Iintroduce to you my friends as?` `can i call you my girlfriend..?` we don`t date lots of people at once, but over there i guess if you both stop dating others, know each other well enough that you want their company more and agree on this, that`s steady/gfbf/going out/being tog.

Hmm, deep deep down at the bottom of your heart, you know if he`s mr not-quite-right. my sister`s words. Whatever you feel there, if you`re considering moving, it`s huge. Would you have wanted to if he hadn`t asked? imagine whether you would stay/be happy there if things turned awry with him. Do you have friends/family support there just in case, for example. I just reread your post. You`ve mentioned practical reasons and proceedings this move would involve. If you really wanted to do this, I think we`d be reading more about how wonderful this guy is, and you wouldn`t have mentioned half the stuff you have here. Let your heart tell you what`s good for you, and use your head to get you there; not the other way around.

You know, from the above polus your second quote, I think he really likes you but is just a very relaxed person. He doesn`t feel like he needs to define your relationship (and he`s just taking things slowly, making sure you feel comfortable) because he feels you really like each other. If you`ve been going out 2 months, and he stayed over without sleeping with you I think that`s proof he really really likes you - he`s not seeing others, so it`S not like he`s trying to keep his options open. I think you already know all this. You`re just confused because he`s not good at defining his words, whereas you have an idea of they should mean. I suspect that actually, what he loosly agrees to as`dating`=your idea of bf/gf. Though it`s nice if the guy asks you out, with this boy, I think if you told him you`d like to be exclusive and be his girlfriend he would be really pleased, and totally for it.

Since when has he been not talking to you like you want, and how long have you felt like you can`t talk with him? Who have you talked to instead? Have other men hit on you during htis time? You`ve also stressed the sex thing -is it possible that he`s developed an insecurity with sex?

want to hear funny ones to brighten my lonely night! One ex used to say my name. But the others were like uuuuugggghhhh~!!!

I agree with Juliana. Your inability to trust, communicate, make real friends, pursue relationships, and having maturity, an attitude and respect problem combined seem to be because you`re an intelligent teenager. you haven`t met anyone of equal intelligence. Don`t know if you`re into philosophy, but check this site out; there are lots of intelligent interesting people that come here (i recommend the rant house): link removed Your self-centredness, and parents. Possibly just a teenage thing. But are your parents and granddad on par with you? Is the sports a big issue? Everyone needs someone they can turn to. Someone to understand them for who they are. Also, giving is one way of generating happiness for yourself. And what are you interested in? What you want to do in life? If you check out clubs, insitutions and associations, you can meet a diverse range of people (eg. business for youth, politics for youth, join a band, language groups run by consulates etc). In my case, after a ton of sports bored me and felt superficial, I tried aikido.

is this true? I went through a phase where I was just disgusted at the thought of sex. For a couple of weeks, it wasn`T too long. I`m not sure what triggered it, but when it happened I jst abstained for a while and tried to understand it. Even cuddling made me think of it so couldn`T do that. I don`t know what I`d recommend, everyone else seems to have good advice, but in my case, one day when my ex and I were having fun, it just naturally progressed to us getting intimate and me feeling the love and finding I wanted to do it with him.

To add to the list... actually, I wonder how the orignial poster got on with choosing and reading a book? The alchemist came travelling with me and gave me advice when I needed it - it`s more like a portable monk than a book because it tells you something different each time lol Along the lines of Les Miserables (which, apart from the difficult part fits the criteria), I would recommend: The Power of One by Bryce Courtenay, if you haven`t already read it. It`s about a white boy growing up in South Africa, learning through the black people who nurture him, other various amazing and rotten people that enter his life , what it feels to live among racism. It traces his growth from childhood as he lives through tragedy, challenge, anger, friendship and wins respect. The book wrenched up a myriad of emotions like no other, and you find yourself experiencing, not reading.

a~ha~~!great thread! so funny~ I always tried so hard to make sure I wouldn`t get caught, but I got careless... Once my ex and I were sitting on his porch right beside the door, in the dark after a party, I started giving him a blowjob. Going pretty hard at it, hes moaning, then midway suddenly the porch door swings open and his flatmate comes out. So he grabs me close to his chest, I make out like Im asleep in his arms and his flatmate exchanged a few words with my ex and left...I was too embarrassed to say hi to him for weeks... Another time a friend walked into me and my ex in our underwear ready to get it on, she saw me splayed over him while he fumbled for the covers....we thought we`d locked the door... And then, when I first went flatting, my room was opposite the lounge. My ex would always be over and we`d be at it pretty often, but I thought I was being discreet. Turns out that a couple of floorboards from my room joined ones in the lounge, and my flatmates were also feeling a piece of the action whenever they were on the sofa...they were so sweet though, they never said a word until way later!

thanks everyone. I had a think about what honey, mythic and shiz said...it`s only something that I`m still piecing together but wonder if something as personal as this could actually have anything to do with it. I don`t know, the scale just seems too different but here it is, I have an almost subconscious fear of my parents, and disobeying them. I`ve never thought of it as anything to worry about; I thought it was normal, as they were quite authoritarian. I find it hard complying with their requests but also feel very nervous if I don`t. I`m in my 20s, back living with them; my mum likes to take charge of the house - she still says things like: `You should go to bed now.` If I comply, I don`t get to take control of myself, but if I don`t comply, I fear her getting angry and her having a low opinion of me. So even now I find myself doing many things out of fear rather than because I want to. ...that`s the closest thing I could think of. Does it have relevance, or maybe I`m just trying to associate something that doesn`t really have much to do with it. (If it does, how should I face it?)

I maintain my friends, whether boys or girls, but mypartner meets them too. It shows respect towrds my partner, but doesn`t cut off a longstanding friendship. I had one jealous boyfriend who not only told me to cutoff all male friendships, but not to go out and make guy friends. I am the kind of person that needs to feel supported by a ntework of people, not just a partner, or I feel very insecure. So doing this made me feel closed and reliant on him and very insecure. I would say that it`s possible she might feel like I did. But going from the fact that you`ve felt insecure, you feel like you can`t trust her, and if she continues to see people who have wanted to sleep with her, it`s not panning out to be the have-total-confidence-in-your-partner relstionship that relationships should be about. I agree with treefrog about talking with her but I would note beforehand all the things that you feel are lacking to make this relationship comfortable, secure for you. If you cannot come to an agreement where you can both be yourselves, and have total confidence in the other, then I can only see things getting worse emotionally for you...

if she has been the only one i can see why its hard. its normal to miss her i think...but love isn`t about control... maybe you`re like me, and miss the relationship for its companionship, not love.

just a guess about attracting the same kind of person. because I`ve asked the same question. I always attract/am interested in people who have had sad histories and are coming to terms with theri problems. I think in the end, people who are similar attract each other. My mum always says light attracts light, dark attracts dark. In my case, I think because I`ve been through emotinoal hardships in life, I`ve become sensitive in a way to this. When I think about it, it`s difficult for me to feel understood by someone who is totally cheerleader-happy-go-lucky. People I find interesting to talk to and can be comfortable just being silent with, have similar outlooks based not only on personlaity, but upbringing i think.

Yeah, a colleague told me one day that she gains 2kgs in the week leading up to her period.

Yay for teeeee! If you like chai, the best is the Yogi tea range-choc, cinnamon,egyptian. I could only get it in Europe though Aryuvedic, caffeine-free, similar but deeper flavours and more rounded than chai. Best green tea is Dragon Pearl - the best parts of jasmine plants are rolled into pearly balls. The fragrance of jasmine is beautiful - BTW I found out recently that the beauty of drinking chinese teas is breathing in their aroma first - hence the lids on chinese teamugs. You pour it in, leave the lid on for a minute. When you drink, bring the mug to your nose lift the lid and breathe inthe aroma as you drink. A delicately delectable option for enjoying tea. I love also turkish apple tea, gunpowder tea, chamomile tea (which my german landlady said is an exellent gargle for throat colds, when used warm - and it`S true!), japanese maccha tea (and maccha ice cream mmmmmm), powdered japanese ginger tea (it`s presweetened), iced lemon tea with sugar syrup, and this christmas tea that you can get in NW Germany! Ahhh, tea. Hmmm, didn`t realise how much of a tea maniac I was til I wrote this

I find that the articles on this site gave me really helpful insights too.

I wonder if this is just my personality. I just want to ask whether it`s normal to feel so deeply pained when I even hear about power against helpless people? I mean, it`s so bad, that I`ll dwell on it for hours to days without stopping, my heart pumps, I feel panic. Thiings like: -I couldn`t visit haulocaust camps; just imagining it was so unbearable I thought I would throw up. Same panic when I watched movies like the Shawshank Redemption, Schindlers List, One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest- I feel like screaming at the end. -When I hear about children being abused or killed by parents on the news, I imagine the kids giving love to the people they trust most and wanting it back, only to be abused. -When POWs are abused by officers, or treated inhumanely; deliberate abuse. -The guy I last went out with was abused as a child, and was a cutter - it made me feel the same panic, extreme sadness and just wanting it all not to have happened. I even think that maybe what I imagined was worse that what he actually experienced... basically, yeah, when people in a position of power use it to abuse those who aren`t. It sets me in a panic, to the point that I can`t concentrate on anything. It`s not just sadness or concern - it`s like something gets torn up inside and I want to scream at someone. But I can watch action films, murder mysteries, war footage without problem. Why does it affect me so badly? How do I deal with it? Thanks

yep, I`d say people would take that into consideration. I mentioned in my first post too I recall. I happen to be Asian, but I sympathise, because though I look asian, inside I`m a mix of westerna and eastern. When im in New Zealand, ther are people that look at me and assume I can`t speak english; when I`m in Japan people look at me funny when I don`t understand something in Japanese. I guess looks serve as initial indicators for what a person might be like. And fair enough too, people seek out people who they`re going to be most compatible/comfortable with, whether friends or lovers or whatever. If I`m looking for someone who can speak Japanese, I`m generally going to go for people who LOOK Japanese. I`d be mightly surprised (as I was at a German xmas market last year) to meet a Sri Lankan who could speak Japanese. As more interracial marriages occur and people become blended-looking (is there a proper term for that?), I think we`ll approach people without as much assumption. Half-kids are SOOO gorgeous by the way. I bet they get the best genes

I`d agree with this post...I think I tend to be more on the shy side with dating. Well, I don`t like dating. I like being friends first and then finding out that I like the guy. So rather than asking her for a date, a light activity like asking her to help you shop for something actually sounds really good to me too. If you have fun you can go onto coffee and there`s no pressure if you don`t. As for letting her know you like her, if you ask her out nicely, and in private I think that`s a good start.

nice post, langford, right on the money!!!

Considering Julianas advice, yeah I don`t think I`m ready to make contact with either guy. With the guy that dumped me, I`d be anticipating his reply which probably means that I`m not over him enough. With the guy that I dumped, he would reply, and I would feel a weird kind of pressure cos I know he still likes me a lot. So basically, when I look at my feelings, I have too much emotion left to react in both cases at this point. I really want to contact both of them one day in the future and become good friends, but I think that`s going to be a little while yet. Thanks - your post has helped me understand how to assess how to act and when! I`ll use it as an indicator-tool from now on!