ifthisisntlove

Yes. I totally agree. I kinda look around sometimes at what's available, and I don't really like what I see. It's so much simpler to put up with the idiosyncrasies of the one I am with. And, at least it's honest. I keep asking myself if my expectations are too high. Do I expect too much of him? Have I not tried enough? Thanks again for your replies!

Yes. That is exactly it. Being with someone and alone all at once. It's very difficult to keep trying, especially when the other person doesn't see a problem and/or avoids it. **sigh** Thanks for your reply.

No, he doesn't want to go to counseling. He says that he is happy; if I am unhappy, well, then, to his thinking, I am the one who should go to counseling. His "relationship" with the person he met online ended years ago. I know he hasn't contacted her, and she hasn't contacted him, either. It took me a long time to rebuild the trust, but it's back, for the most part.

Well, um... I can't imagine him being upset about the way I treat him. I've always been supportive of whatever he wanted to do at the time (including being a cop (which didn't work out), joining the military (he was too old), going back to college... three times (and flunking out the last time), and getting his CDL), I'm fine with giving him oral sex whenever he wants it, and I'm up for almost anything. I give him time with his friends and brothers, and about the only thing I push him to do is take out the trash since it is often too heavy for me to take out to the curb. I like football and can work on a carbuerator and talk about cars. And I like sex. Further... the shape of my body. This is almost insulting, if you don't mind my saying. I don't need to describe myself to you, but, well, let's just say that that certainly isn't the problem. Other men are attracted to me (and have told me (and him!!) that). And lets' just say, I still get carded... to buy "R" rated movies at Wal*Mart. You have to be 16 for that. I am starting to think that the real problem lies in that he is taking me for granted, and is selfish. He wants sex on his schedule, and believes that he can get it from me whenever he wants it. Believe me, when he asked me for a divorce over some liar he met on the Internet, I went over everything that could have been my fault, and I changed.

I can pinpoint the exact moment things started to go downhill. I was pregnant with our second child and not feeling well at night, and our oldest child woke up and he told me to go get him and take care of him (he wasn't working at the time), and I told him "no." And he sat up straight in bed and said, "F*** YOU! I AM TIRED OF ALL YOUR F***ING S***!" And, then there was the lying about 4 months later, about stupid things, like a subscription to Playboy that suddenly, mysteriously started showing up. And then there was the stress of our third child's emergency surgery at 8 days old and the horrendous bills that followed. I blame a lot of what happened next on the stress of that situation. Not that it excuses what he did, but it does sort of explain it, in my mind, since he's never told me why it happened. He got caught up in an online "affair" and asked me for a divorce. I don't really talk to anybody about it. I've internalized everything about it. I sit around sometimes, wondering what it is that I have done wrong. I feel like I would make a good companion and lover; I'm in a band, and I am constantly "hit-on" by men in bars we play at. In fact, it wasn't until a drummer in my band, at one point, told me that he thought I was beautiful that I started to see any worth in myself at all. And I don't think he's insecure about sex. The sex has never been bad, and I've told him that. I've always been faithful to him, but, lately, I find myself, late at night after shows, thinking about the offers from men that I get and wondering if it could be any better.

On his last birthday, I took him out, let him play in a pool tournement, and I was his arm ornament.And then I threw him a surprise party with all his friends there. And then we got home and I did some really neat, surprising things for him, and he really seemed to appreciate it at the time. But he's never mentioned it again. Not even once. Not even in passing. And it depresses me because he's never bought me a birthday present and only once bought me an anniversary present, and every year on our anniversary, he wants to go to Wal*Mart... to buy half-price golf stuff.

You're right; I know you are. The only things stopping me are the fact that I can't seem to get a job even with my degree (I've enver had a job in my field before) and that I am just plain stubborn. I hate to fail anything. And this feels like failing, but I have no idea what I did wrong.

I've written him letters. He never speaks of them. If I mention them, he just acknowledges that he found them and nothing else. If I broach the subject with him in conversation, he is immediately in "defense" mode and starts yelling if I point out any little thing. To top it off, he doesn't want me talking about it to anyone else... not my parents, not my siblings, not even a therapist.

I've said "no." He doesn't care. He gets up and goes to work, and I try to sleep.... It's just so tiring thinking that the person you really want to be with doesn't want you back.

Thank you for your reply and advice. I sort of feel as though I have more than tried. I forgave him and stuck with him after he quit his job and asked me for a divorce to go be with some gal he met online. I put up with the way he ignores me and focuses on himself. I have worked two jobs and gone to school full-time while taking care of three toddlers while he sat on his * * * for 6 months not looking for work. Now, he finally has a good job that he likes, I have finally graduated... I almost feel like we are out of the stressful period, and I keep hoping that, in just a few more weeks, it will get better and he will "see" me again. But that few weeks keeps coming and going and never gets here. I am just tired of it.

Here is the long and the short of it: I've been married to my husband for 13 years. I've been told by others that I am attractive, intelligent, and talented. By my husband never wants to talk to me (especially about anything serious and particularly about anything pertaining to our relationship), and he AVOIDS having sex with me. I have a pretty high sex drive, but every single time I ask, he rejects me. If we ever have sex, it's because he wants it, and generally, that's in the mornings of his days off. Because I work graveyard shifts, that's when I am sleeping, but he pretty much gets his way because, if I don't, I'd never get it. My question is: when do I just say, "I'm not getting what I want out of this relationship" and move on? He refuses to see a counselor, and gets angry anytime I try to talk to him about it. He is 38 and I am 30. We have 3 kids together, but they are all away at school most of the year. What do I do?