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Reluctant Rebuilder

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Everything posted by Reluctant Rebuilder

  1. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Doesn't sound like you are ready to be in the dating pool again just yet if you are frightened of being hurt to the point where you're driving yourself crazy by over analyzing everything. Also, your travel conclusion does not necessarily follow your premise: I travel as often as I can but that doesn't mean that I'm not interested in a long term relationship with someone. Age thing might be an issue though, is it for you?
  2. Reluctant Rebuilder
    But doesn't that just underscore the fact that this whole celibacy thing is forced and kind of silly (in the context of *this* particular relationship)? I don't want to get into a flame war about religion, but the idea that a woman is "pure" when she holds out and "dirty" when she puts out is a bit archaic don't y'all think? Like you gain in morality when you don't have sex, it's absurd.
  3. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I wish I had done more of that. Next time for sure. With my ex, she would get so angry when ever I brought things up, I just stopped and we drifted apart. Like any mention that there was a problem was an attack on her character, so what do you do. Also, I think that just talking isn't enough, there has to be a willingness to actually do something about the problems. If not, we end up here.
  4. Reluctant Rebuilder
    You should be really careful about this, because you can find yourself a prisoner in your own home if things turn sour. Just based on what you wrote it doesn't sound like you really want her there. I'd suggest that you don't go through with this unless you are 100% sure.
  5. Reluctant Rebuilder
    That's a really crappy position to be in man, because when she meets some guy that she's all ga-ga over its going to really bother you. Is she giving you any indication that she might be interested in you? Like any signals at all? If so, maybe she's open to the idea, but if not she probably still sees you as a friend.
  6. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Everyone struggles with jealousy. You don't have to look very far to find people who are better at something than you and those that are worse. If you can accept that the only person you should be competing against is *you*, then it might be easier to accept that sometimes your friends will be ahead and sometimes you will be ahead and it really doesn't mean anything in the big picture. And then you realize that the jealousy thing is kinda dumb. Lots of people (and I'm not saying you specifically, I'm just rambling on because this is the Internet and I haven't been booted from this forum for being to blabby) lots of people have it in their head that being really good at something speaks for the person as a whole. And for some reason we all tend to believe it to a degree. But I think that getting better grades, finding an attractive partner, having a good job, or what ever measurement you use to compare yourself to someone else doesn't make you a better or worse person. Thats just too damn simplistic, ya know? I think if you can concentrate on what you have ahead of you instead of looking over your shoulder at what your friends have now, you might be in a better space with a clearer mind to tackle your work at school, and maybe meet a guy that you like. It's easier to remember things and study if that's all you are wanting out it, but that and wanting to beat out your friend means extra cycles in your head wasted. One more thing, attraction isn't only based on looks. It's not just about being pretty. Personality and being interesting can go a long way and make a moderately attractive person's appeal seem all the more stunning. Just a thought.
  7. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Personally I don't think you are being shallow, sex was a part of your relationship for three years and most people would agree that it's a fairly important part. I agree with you that to stop having sex with you, unless she's wanting it is not fair. Since the religious angle doesn't seem to be consistent, is it possible that there's something else going on?
  8. Reluctant Rebuilder
    This doesn't have to happen. If you are feeling like harming yourself then you should call a crisis unit in your area. Should be in the first few pages of the phone book. Lots of people feel this way, and the crisis unit should be able to help you tonight. Please think this through, and consider all of the consequences. The people around will you will be devastated and there is no guarantee that things will forever be this way or get any worse, or that you won't be stronger from surviving this.
  9. Reluctant Rebuilder
    You had sex in my 1988 Hyundai Excel? Did you guys at least fill it up afterwards? ;-)
  10. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Twelve years ago, driving at 3 am in my Hyundai Excel. The car was in motion (about 20 km), and so were we.
  11. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Do you have a partner that you can call up? Or get some time with a personal trainer. If you can't do it for your own sake, then maybe if you make a commitment to someone else you will feel motivated. Sorta the same idea of taking a course in class vrs. self study.
  12. Reluctant Rebuilder
    All the time. For example, Crooked Teeth by Death Cab always puts me in a defiant "screw you" for leaving me mood. Actually there is a whole play list that affects my mood, songs that I have to avoid because they're too painful to hear. Lots of those actually.
  13. Reluctant Rebuilder
    You are going to drive yourself crazy thinking that way. She has a right to her past and not to be judged by anyone about it, just as you do man. How long depends on the maturity of the girl, if she's constantly talking about her ex, she's probably using you to work through her issues with him. If she's like "meh.... it's over and that sucked, but I'm living my life on my terms" then I'd say she's fair game.
  14. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Thanks for your responses Ellie and L.J. I'll be in Xiang, Beijing, Nanjing and possibly Shanghai time permitting. Will definitely try Peking Duck. L.J. I really hope things turn around for you. You sound like a really decent guy too and it sucks to be hurting like that. See y'all when I get back.
  15. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I'm going to China tomorrow for two weeks. I need to get out of here and take a break from all the mania related to my ex, work, and my nutty family. I haven't been able to get excited about the trip so far. I think it's because the no contact I've been trying to uphold from my ex has been difficult to do since I see her twice a week. This will be a much needed break from that garbage but still I'm feeling something that I don't think I should be. She seems to be taking all of this very well. We're over, so why do I care? I was talking with a friend, and he suggested that she probably isn't as torn up about this because the relationship we had was really just a functional thing for her. Despite all the claims of love she had for me her actions and indifference at the end would suggest that love was short lived. And that bothers me a lot because she did such a good job of pursuing and charming me. I fell for it all. Am I selfish for wanting to be missed, even a little bit? Is it wrong to want her to feel some kind of sadness – not because I want her to be in pain - because I want to have meant something to her? Does all this sound as whiny to you as it does in my head? Why does this stuff have to be so damn complicated anyway?image removed * sigh *
  16. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Sure, as long as you work different groups of muscles and give each group time to heal. So do legs one day, arms another, chest and back on the third day. Abs you can hit every day. I do anyways. Give each group time to heal by at least a day or two. You might find that you feel more pain the second day after a workout. I don’t know why that is, but it’s pretty common. And you don't need to spend a lot of time in the gym, I don’t go for more than an hour at a time. Make sure you start with weight that you can comfortable do and work your way up over time. This is a marathon, not a sprint! If you can afford it, a personal trainer isn’t a bad idea, or you can do the research yourself. Try and find someone there who can give you tips on how to do the exercises properly. Doing it wrong is a waste of time, and you will see more gains from doing lighter weight with proper technique than heavy weight and cheating or doing it wrong. Plus it just looks goofy. Most guys at the gym don’t mind helping out the odd tip, or the gym staff should be able to help. Don’t get discouraged if you can’t do as much weight as the other people there. This is all about you and your progress, not how you rate against them. Oh yeah, and you should be able to do a cardio routine every day if you want to loose some more weight. If you don’t want to join some kind of class, the elliptical machines are a good place to start. Again start slow. Just what you’re comfortable with for now, you can increase slowly as the weeks go by. If you over work yourself you risk injury and burnout and that will make it harder for you to reach your goals.
  17. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Depends, how healed are you, and are you ok because you seem to be doing better than she is right now or because you really have moved on. Answer that and the choice should be obvious. Also, if you’re truly concerned about her, do you think contacting her will be a good thing or a bad thing for her?
  18. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Steve Maybe the Universe is trying to teach you something. You say that you don’t enjoy yourself when you go to a club, then why go? If you are as wounded as you sound, getting mixed up in another relationship right away isn’t going to do you any good. Relationship hopping is just another form of avoiding the work you should be doing on a bigger problem. Why not try going solo for a bit, and get an understanding of why you are hurting so much. Women attracted to you right now will get to know heart broken Steve, not the strong, confident man you will become after you’ve healed from this break up. I think you’ll find a much better companion and have a much happier relationship when you have something to bring to the table, but right now it sounds like you’re reaching out for someone to comfort and validate you. That’s a terrible reason to get involved with someone. To me, it sounds like your sense of value is tied in to what the people around you think of you. Steve has a hot girlfriend and thereforeeee Steve has value. Steve is single and thereforeeee he has less value. That’s an inflexible and flawed system of belief dude. Don’t do that. Also, if you have a massive fear of being shut down, then for the moment don’t put yourself in situations where you have the potential to be shut down. Think about the real reasons why you feel worthless. Even though it sounds silly, write them all down. Then use some logic and attack those statements. After a while, when those nut biting ideas pop in your head, you’ll have a counter argument to bounce back with. When you’re feeling confident and don’t care if you get shut down (because there are *lots* of girls out there, so passing on you would be their loss not yours) then get ready to get back in the game. Also, if you’re friends are in competition with you over who has the hottest girlfriend, that’s really dumb. It doesn’t mean that the guy with the best looking lady is better in any way, or happier, or more successful. And as you’ve experienced that position of “being on top” is tenuous at best.
  19. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Why would you be jealous of that? I never understood that way of thinking. I'm perfectly ok with guys asking the woman I'm with to dance, it's not a challenge to you, it's a compliment. End of the night she comes home with you (or to you if you don't go), right? If she talks to people or dances with them it doesn't necessarily follow that she's going to do anything with them. Any relationship should be able to withstand someone dancing and enjoying themselves, it doesn't means she's going to dump you. You should trust her ability to fend off guys. Women get hit on everywhere, so unless you're going to drive yourself crazy worrying about her talking to guys at school or work or the bus stop or on the street or where ever, just drop the insecure thing. Nothing smells worse to a woman than the stink of insecurity. And are you sure that she isn't saying no to the guys who ask her to dance?
  20. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I’m about to sign out and crash, but here’s a few ideas. You’re probably full of energy right now. People under stress have adrenaline pumping, so head out and do something that makes you sweat. It sounds corny, and everybody says this, but a great way to blow off steam is doing some exercise. The best thing I did was change my eating habits and being to exercise regularly. You get the benefit of an endorphin rush, look better and have less stress. But it’s can be a chore if you don’t do something you like. Sounds like you have time, so join up somewhere. If you have a quite space, find something not related to your problem to read. Something that takes you out of your head for a while. I’ve been reading Hemmingway’s For Whom the Bell Tolls and *finally* after chapter 27 something interesting happened. But all those other chapters kept my mind from spinning it’s wheels over problems that were going on around me, and it’s nice to be able to have a break for a few hours. And better to walk away for a few minutes from the computer than to bash the thing. Could you privately tell your boss that you are having these problems and need a little bit of slack? Not sure about your ex. Maybe she doesn’t know how to tell you that she doesn’t want to be around you right now, so she’s taking the “can’t you tell from my actions” route. You step dad probably has a lot on his plate right now, and he might be worried about the same thing too. Can you tell him that you really don’t want to stop being buddies with him after the divorce is over? Ask him to go for a walk with you and tell him what’s on your mind.
  21. Reluctant Rebuilder
    It’s not uncommon for partners to have different levels of interest in sex. It could be that she has a low sex drive for what ever reason. That isn’t the problem. The differences in what you want and what she wants is the problem, and having a neutral third party like a counsellor to talk about it is a great idea. And don’t feel like you’re forced into marrying someone that isn’t going to fulfill you. Don’t be drawn into the “if she’d only put out more she’d be perfect” trap, she is how she is, and it’s very possible that her interest in sex isn’t going to change. Take it from me, that road is going to lead you to unnecessary fights, you potentially looking elsewhere for the affection you crave and her feeling alienated by you.
  22. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I saw that move on Happy Days. Clearly a 70's thing.
  23. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Because the rug got pulled out from under your feet and your whole life changed. Why beat yourself up for a moment of weakness? Believe me, I know exactly where you're coming from, but you have to believe that this is going to pass. We just need to be realistic and patient. I don't think this stuff goes away over night and if you're anything like me you'll go through ups and downs. In a while the ups will be stretched out longer than the downs, so much that the downs fade away into nothingness. You're not an idiot. Just someone with a broken heart that needs time to heal.
  24. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I think he's crossing a serious boundary by sending nudes of himself and getting some back in return. What is he missing in his life that he would want to do that? Looking at porn doesn't seem to be such a big deal, but sneaking around like that at 3 am and the photos thing is definitely something I would be concerned about.
  25. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I agree. If she's still talking with the guy you might get a surprise if she gets back together with him. Still, nothing wrong with sticking around a bit to see what happens. Just don't pass up on other opportunities if they come up.
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