Reluctant Rebuilder

That's a solid analysis RC. She's keeping the scrap of hope barely alive that "someday" this is going to turn around. I agree you should pull the plug.

Make up a story about some guy who was hassling you and was getting physical, and right when you get to the part where he puts a rear naked choke on you, demonstrate it on her, but don't actually choke her. Yeah I know that's lame.

I say go for it. It sounds like she's open to the idea of you asking her out.

This post is probably too long considering how small the problem is but I’m terrible at reducing things (because so much gets lost in the reduction!) so if you’re not in the mood for some drawn out barely coherent rambling, do pass on this one. I won’t feel hurt. I guess I just need a place to vent. First some back ground. I met a girl in my kick boxing class about seven months ago. We hit it off really well. She has a lot of the traits that I like; confident, athletic, intelligent, clever, and she was really attractive. I didn’t realize (or I didn’t want to accept) that she was also a bit of a control freak. Things started off really passionately, but neither of us thought this was going to go anywhere. But we connected so powerfully and so quickly we were both surprised by how fast things moved. Anyway these details don’t really matter that much. Needless to say that I fell for her pretty hard. But as always there were complications. In the back of my mind I knew that it wasn’t going to work out but I consciously chose not to listen to my good sense. It turns out I have a habit of attracting and being attracted to nut jobs. So we break up. Well, she broke up with me. At the time I was going through a separate major crisis and even though I knew this wasn’t going to work out I didn’t want it to end. I think it was because she provided me with enough drama that I could distract myself from dealing with the more serious problem. In the end it was over. We’ve been apart for over a month now. I’ve always been an advocate of the clean break when things end. I don’t like being friends with my ex’s, because in the past all that has happened is that I end up not fully recovering and a small sliver of hope is kept alive in me that things will eventually work out and they never do. So finally to the problem. She still goes to the class I attend on Monday and Wednesday nights, and a mutual friend that I met through her goes to a MMA class I attend on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. When I see her at kick boxing I’m doing everything I can to avoid her. I don’t look her way, I steer clear of her when we need to get pads or break for water, and I’m a lot better and outweigh her by about fifty pounds so we never have to spar. Still I do catch her glance once in a while and she’s either looking at me blankly or glaring at me. Either way it’s really uncomfortable. Even avoiding her makes me feel awkward. I’ll be fine other times during the week, but every Monday and Wednesday I have to take a little trip in my mind back to the place where we broke up. Another minor thing that has me worried is that she might be pumping out mutual friend for info about me, and I’ve been slowly pulling away from him. I really liked hanging out with the guy, but I don’t know him well enough to be confident he isn’t telling her things that are going on about me. I don’t want her to know anything. I’d like to become a distant memory in her mind, and I’d like her to become one in mine as well. Finally the question: since I will not quit my Monday and Wednesday class, can you think of anything else I could do to make this less awkward? I’ve been toying with the idea of just telling her to stop glaring at me, but I’ve made so much progress in the last month and I’m really weak when it comes to her that I don’t want to risk talking with her and potentially falling for her charms again. That little sliver of hope in me is really selling this idea to me, which is all the more reason not to do it. All that plus tonight a guy snuck one in and kicked me in the short ribs and now it hurts to breathe. Phew, I really needed to get that out. Thanks for listening.

After fourteen years of marriage and you expect to feel ok after a month apart? Oh sweetie, this is going to take some time to heal. First thing you need to do (note that I didn’t say “should” you *need* to do this) is gather your support around you. Get your friends or even some professional help like a psychologist or a counsellor. They see people with these kinds of problems all the time and they will have excellent resources for you to use to get better. I know that right now you probably don’t believe this, but it will get better. It might take six months or it might take a few years. But if you focus on putting on foot in front of the other right now and do what you can to take care of yourself, then you’re heading in the right direction. Moving on quickly is an illusion. This is going to take as long as it takes. In this crazy house of mirrors there are no short cuts that don’t lead you back to square one (like alcohol, drugs, or getting into another relationship right away). The only way out of this is to go through it.

You can gain muscle mass and loose weight at the same time. For the weight loss, it’s all about calories in vrs. calories out. You may be eating healthy, but are you doing enough aerobic exercise to burn what you’ve got. You want to burn more than you take in during the day but *not* by starving yourself. Eat smaller portions and more meals, like six meals a day (but each meal would be half of what you normally would eat). For gaining muscle mass, it’s simple. Protein rebuilds the muscles your work, and carbs give you the energy to work the muscles. You'll gain muscle mass from lifting weights or some other kind of anaerobic activity. I lost a lot of weight when I joined a kick boxing class a few years ago. At my heaviest I was 206, and I’m down to a lean 170 now. I would only go twice a week for the first few months, and now a few years later I train five times a week, and lift twice a week. Martial arts classes are great ways to exercise (yoga too). You have a bunch of people who will be encouraging you and you’ll feel bad if you miss a class because you feel like you’re letting them and yourself down. A good resource for exercise tips and diet is at men's health. Some decent recipes there. link removed Good work on losing that weight!

Nothing wrong with you man! Different guys respond differently to this. Myself I like it but I'm never able to reach a happy ending with just that alone. But that's what makes sex so fun is that it's different with different people. You shouldn't feel inadequate because you finished yourself off, lots of guys are like this and it doesn't mean anything about your ability or hers. I think their jaws get tired from doing that too long, and maybe the guy or guys she's been with before you have been able to bust one off faster than you. Again, that doesn't mean anything or say anything about how good you are or how good she is. Also it sounds like you had a lot of things running through your mind at the time and not "in the moment" so that might have made it take longer than it would have if you would have been able to relax and just enjoy what she was doing for you. Who can say what women in general want, it's what this one wants is what you should be thinking about. Ask her. Just as aside, and this is just my opinion, but it's not that great to be on the giving end for a really long time during sex, unless the other person is really in to it. If you were just sitting there looking at her she might be wondering if you were enjoying yourself. Uhhhh that is a bit simplistic. If she wasn't in the mood then she wasn't in the mood. She doesn't owe you anything or have to do anything she wasn't interested in just because she did "more" before. Think about it, if she had only kissed you and set that "as the level" would that mean she had to kiss you all the time, or would it be ok for her to just hold your hand once in a while if that's what she felt comfortable doing at that point in time. Depends on the guy. Some guys let a little bit out the whole time. Some guys not at all till the end. Don't they teach this stuff in school anymore? Just asking since it's been a long time since I was in school and they taught us that. You will use condoms, right? Yes, and it feels pretty good. Hahahaha this made me laugh. Girls don't come with a manual, and something that one likes isn't going to apply to *all* women. That would probably work if the moment called for it, and what I mean is if you two were talking about how great it was to finally be together and you were feeling this great connection together, then looking in her eyes might get the effect you want, but if you were just watching TV and she looks over and you're ogling her that would be kinda weird. You can't just go through the motions and expect to get the results you see in movies or TV. It's what happens before and during the eye gazing and hand holding that makes this something good. Don't read too much in to what she does, or try to figure out what she's thinking. It takes a long time of in person interaction to get to know some one so well that you can figure out what's going on by their body language. This was the first time she met you in person right, so of course it's going to be awkward at times. She's probably wondering how to act and what to do around you too. Next time just relax and act naturally. If you're not all wound up wondering what to do next you can just enjoy yourself and your time with her.

I have that too where I'm fine for a while and then I break down. It comes and goes, but you should know that when it comes, it will eventually be over, so just hold tight. In the long run if your ex has found someone else right away he won't be doing himself much good by relationship hopping from you to the new person. publicly it might look like things are great but privately it may be that isn't easy for him, and he won't be doing any healing or making the progress that you will because he's distracting himself with someone new. He's dragging his suffering out and dragging down this other person with him where you're working through the pain and will come out a stronger better person. This too, will pass

I’ve been on both sides of the cheating fence and this is what I know. An affair is a symptom of a bigger problem in a marriage. Her husband isn’t giving her everything she needs, and so she gets what she is missing from you. Her guilt and what she is lacking in her marriage will keep her bobbing in and out of your life as long as you allow it. If you’re comfortable being the life support device for her marriage to last then what are you complaining about? But if you’re looking for a full on love thing with her, I don’t think that’s going to happen. You probably satisfy some of her needs but probably not all of them. Also her husband will probably find out eventually. Lots of people get caught cheating and it’s not a good experience for anyone. She will get upset when you move on just like anyone in a relationship would. You’re saying to her that you have interests outside of what you two shared, and that would be a scary thing for her to digest. Maybe you should take some time to be a lone and think about what you really want in a relationship. Then make yourself available. I don’t think that you’re going to get what you want as long as you’re attached to this lady.

That doesn't sound harsh to me at all. It sounds like the words of someone who respects themselves and the friendships they have. In a way we need to help the people around us learn how they can treat us. You’re standing up for yourself, but not in a hostile way which is very good.

Sometimes if I'm prepared for it I can handle it, or when it's in the mix of some other good stuff it's enjoyable. But when people know where you are ticklish they sometimes can't help themselves from touching you there.

Makes me wiggle *and* giggle: I'm ticklish there. Don’t do that.

What are you confused about? You shouldn’t feel any shame in what you do on the weekends, or who you hang out with. Quite frankly the only person who should really be concerned about this is you. You could tell Beth that you were really surprised by her response to you. It sounds like you spend a lot of time together so keeping the peace is a good idea, but at the same time that shouldn’t from sacrificing your dignity or you becoming a door mat. Seriously, it’s almost 2007, why should it matter who you hang around with. If you are gay, then so what, you’re in with people who understand you. If you aren’t gay then you have some cool friends that you don’t have to compete with over guys. If you’re somewhere in the middle then huzzah you have more options for love than most. But in the end I don’t see how your sexuality or who you spend your time with is really something that a friend or group of friends should be taking issue with. A friend with conditions isn’t really a friend.

Is it possible his parents are leveraging the money to keep him closer to home? Just seems strange to me that they were ok with him taking his time to pay the money off and then when they find out that he's leaving they call in the debt. If this is a family politic issue, then maybe with some diplomacy and assurances that he'll visit regularly the debt agreement could be arranged in a fair way. Just my 2 cents.

I respectfully disagree. Some people have an inhuman ability to withstand this kind of thing, and all that she would be doing is cementing her position in a relationship that she wasn't fulfilled in and has now turned sour. Too risky and a bit immature when telling him honestly how she felt would accomplish the same thing in less time and with less bitterness. I’m with the other posters, gently cut him lose. In the long run it will be best for everybody.

I’m going through the same thing. I’m amazed and a bit frightened by how many triggers there are out there that remind me of her; songs, smells, places I go to. I’m unable to avoid any of it, so I’m forced to face it even though inside I don’t want to. I haven’t been able to enjoy many of the things that I used to. I’ve lost my appetite and I have trouble sleeping. When I do sleep I’m tormented by dreams of her. I go through periods where I wonder if she is still thinking about me, obsessively checking my email and hoping that she calls when the phone rings. But she never does. A counsellor I talked to about this told me that I was like an addict. I’m addicted to a bad habit, and it’s going to take a long time to detox from it. I try to think of this as just getting through today only. And I do things to distract myself from waiting by the phone or checking my inbox every ten seconds. My apartment has never been this clean. From what I’ve been told, it is perfectly normal for people in our situation to feel this way. Unwillingly, you have had someone ripped from your life, literally tearing a piece of your heart out and leaving you with a severe wound. If your leg was cut deeply you wouldn’t expect it to be running on it, would you? For me the pain comes in crushing waves. I’ll be fine for a while and then out of the blue whammo I get crushed. Eventually I know that these waves will pass through me, but right now I have to endure them. Maybe it’s like this for you too. What I find that helps is looking at the relationship critically and reminding myself why it ended. If it was a total surprise to you, I imagine this would be very difficult if not impossible, but it helps me from romanticizing the past. If you’re anything like me, the memories of the relationship will be distorted by the longing for your ex, and the general sense of malaise you’re feeling right now. I know that I wasn’t in the perfect relationship that my heart is telling me I was in. Another thing I’ve been doing is writing out letters to her explaining how I feel, but never sending them. I find that knowing that she won’t ever get to read them, I can be completely honest and not worry if I sound selfish or silly. And I’ve also kept a journal every day. When I’m feeling better I want to look back at this and see how far I’ve progressed. What ever you do, your first priority should be taking yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep, and eat regularly. This has a big impact on your mood. And as for how you are feeling, I’ve found that talking with people about how I feel helps a lot. You need time to heal that wound dear, and not risk opening it up again as you would if you called him. I hope the craving for him doesn’t last too long. Believe me it will pass.