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Reluctant Rebuilder

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Everything posted by Reluctant Rebuilder

  1. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I'm sorry to say this but even if you think his ex gfs are nothing but disposable people and your ex is like family, you are still introducing a double standard.
  2. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I don't believe in fate. I make and am responsible for all of my choices and actions. To suggest that some force or thing out there is guiding me through a predetermined set of train tracks that I can't get off of sounds silly to me. I don't believe in the "one" either. Unless you are talking about Keanu Reves in the Matrix.
  3. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Slayer I don't think its wrong to think that you will end up together someday, unless you are planning on waiting for him. I think if you heal up, and decide then if you want to try to get together with him or pursue someone else, that would be a good direction to go.
  4. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I know exactly what you mean. Having someone to share a bed with for six years had me trained to stay to one side of the bed all the time. Even now, I sleep on the edge of my bed even though there is no one there with me. Damn I miss that. None of my friends will spoon with me either come to think of it, I'm not sure if I'd want to spoon with one of my friends....
  5. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Back to day 1 for me I guess. I feel crappy. I allowed myself to get used, so that someone who broke my heart could feel better about themselves. What ever, there's only one way to go from here, and that's towards a better day.
  6. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Day 5 or 6. I really don't know. Well i broke NC in a way. I got an ambush email attack from an ex that I was trying to avoid for a while. Not my wife, but the woman from my class that I have some resentments against. It turns out my heart is still attached to. Really this NC thing should have included her, because the NC with my wife is super easy. She moved to another province and another city. The only way she would get in touch with me is through her lawyer to mine. She would have to go through extreme measures to contact me (calling people who know my new unlisted number, and there aren't that many) and I have no way of getting in touch with her even if I wanted to. So yeah, this email. She makes some statements that I want to respond to, and I think to myself, "it would be juvenile not to respond to her" so I do, and her response initiates another response, and now I'm back to where I started recovery wise which is a long step backwards. She is in a relationship with someone. She wanted to be friends and I couldn't do it. How can I be a friend to someone who I want so much more from. Having her dangling in front of me just out of my reach. She always had the control in our relationship, something that I still resent. The only way I felt like I had any say was when I told her I couldn't see or talk to her anymore. Anyway the emails back and forth are over. I won;t be responding to her last one because it hurts too much. I feel crappy and deflated. Unlovable and ugly. I want to wrap myself in the covers and wake up in the spring time when all of his has settled somewhat and I can go out and meet someone that doesnt yank at my heart strings like my ex's. So there you go. Ain't love grand.
  7. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Day four Yeah this day was much better than Monday. Had some real progress at work, managed to teach the new guys some tricks and finish a lot of things that were piling up on my desk. Not feeling like I miss anyone too much today, but tomorrow will be hellish because my freaking ex gf whom I'm mad at is going to be at my damn class. groan :S
  8. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I think Annie nailed it. The idea of one special person out there is a myth created ages ago, sold to young people who don;t know any better, and perpetuated in our culture by Meg Ryan and Tom Hank movies.
  9. Reluctant Rebuilder
  10. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Oooh that's good. I'm going to try that next time I have the chance to ask someone I know out. I don't think I'm suave enough for that to work on someone I just me. I think it will be fueled by a few G &Ts but what the hey.
  11. Reluctant Rebuilder
    ...and then? I like this, very smooth, but what to do next?
  12. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Maybe pass him a note with something like this on it: Hey (fill in boy's name here) we've been going out and doing things together and it's obvious that we have something. So I'm going to make it easy for you to ask me out. Just fill out this form: [] I like you. We should be gf & bf and do things and stuff [] I like you, but we should just be friends and do things and stuff. Hit me back ASAP. There are a few other boys that are interested in me but you get first dibs because you're so cute. (that will flatter him a bit and give him a sense of urgency). If he checks the right box, then bingo, you're in sista! If not you can pass it off as a joke and save your dignity. Tell him "You thought I was serious? only a dork would say something like that in a note". Does that help? If you can't make a move and he won't then I'm afraid you're dead locked.
  13. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I think this relationship you just got out of is analogous to an addiction: he is your bad habit, just like cigarettes or alcohol. I bet if you looked at some AA literature, you will see many similarities in the stories of these people to the situation you are in. Your bad habit is destroying your life, your self esteem, and you probably have a sense of dread that you can't move on with out him. How many years do you want to waste in this destructive cycle? It doesn't have to be like this. I think that no amount of us saying "You are better off without him" will have any effect on you. In your min, you already know that is true, but you believe something completely different on a lower level. Personally I think you should find yourself a clinical psychologist or a really good counselor, print off your posts and read to them out loud, and work with them to get yourself out of this situation. True, it has to come from within you, but they can help you find that strength within yourself and give you guidance to make better choices. All you need is the courage to make the appointment and be as honest as you possibly can when you are talking to them. Break down in front of them, it's ok they see it all the time. Tell them everything as it happened, you won't shock them. But you will be able to take your life back and feel good about yourself as a person without having his approval. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you can find a way out of this mess.
  14. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Protein is good, but it isn't enough. You need carbs for energy, fats, and water. Drink lots of water (I drink about 3 or 4 liters a day)
  15. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Are you doing a math or science degree? If not, you will probably only have to take one or two credits tops that require some small degree of mathematical ability. If you can accept that you don't have to do this forever, just a little while would that be enough to get past your block? It seems to me that you are taking the attitude that this math stuff will be a forever thing, and it's not if you are doing a humanities degree. Take a step back and look at the big picture. This isn't as scary as it seems.
  16. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I'm doing the same thing. Eat lots. Lift lots. Sleep lots. Repeat. Go see a nutritionist or a trainer with experience in this area. They will put together a diet plan that will get you on the right track. Key point here: lifting isn't enough, you have to get enough calories spread out through the day to gain weight the right way (you know, more muscle less fat)
  17. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Man this is an important thread for me. I decided that I wanted to take time off from the dating scene so that I could "get to know myself again", but all I've been thinking about is how much I miss having someone to hold on to and you know, do stuff. Been separated for over four months, I'm technically still married even though my wife moved to another city in another province and we haven't had any contact since the split. I don't want to have someone be my crutch to make me feel happy. I want to look at my life and myself and be at perfect peace and ease. But still I have those damn moments where I look at the other half and wonder if they're right.
  18. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I used to when I was younger but like Dako says it looses it's appeal after a while. I smoked up with my dad once, that was a really funny afternoon. A whole new facet of the man. When he was young an ounce cost him like 5 bucks.
  19. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Day 3 of the challenge (sorry I didn't post yesterday) The Universe can be cruel. It mocks me. Or maybe its testing me but I don't like it. On the way to work today I run into an ex girlfriend from about 14 years ago. Find out that life has knocked her around a bit too, and would I want to meet for a drink sometime to catch up? Wheels in my head start spinning - a way out! But I know that taking a short cut will stunt any growth that I can have from walking this road alone, learning from what happened with my wife and all that. Then in class tonight, another ex who I have some real bitterness towards shows up. I can't stand it. She was supposed to join a taekwondo class or something, but there she is and will be haunting me Mondays and Wednesday for the next three months. ](*,) It's a lot easier when she isn't around. So there you have it. NC with my ex wife, ex girlfriends coming out of the wood work, and me wanting to hide under my bed and come out when it's all over.
  20. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Yeah I agree with Mr. Mr. if I were you I'd run and never look back. And you just know that when you dump him all the pleading and promises to change will come. Be resolute, and find someone that will really appreciate and respect you.
  21. Reluctant Rebuilder
    At the insurance company I work there are two paths to becoming a project manager: you have done a few years of business analysis or developing applications and have a PMP or CAPM designation or or you have several years of experience as a business analyst, team leader, or senior developer. That's how I did it. You can get a CAPM designation which is good for people who don't have enough project management experience for a PMP but want to go down that road. Check link removed.
  22. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Day 1 of the NC challenge (though I had about 126 day head start.) I spent the day as I do all Saturdays: waking up, reading news and going to my fight club. We did an ab work out, practised boxing and then broke out the arnis sticks. Came home and surfed the rest of the day. I've been thinking a lot about my wife and things that we did when we first dated. It's so strange: I look at pictures of us in the first years of our relationship and I can't hold back the tears. I see recent pictures of us and I feel nothing. All day I've been unhappy, and looking for ways to distract myself from working out my sad feelings even though I know there won't be any progress if I avoiding them.
  23. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Oh I agree that the affair is 100% the cheater's fault. She made the decision to go out with this guy, but I'm saying that the conditions that lead up to an affair and jointly shared by both the cheater and her husband. It may look like I'm splitting hairs, but I'm not. I'm sure that if it were up to the cheater, she wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was so unfulfilling that she run around with a new guy. And I'm not justifying the cheater's behaviour at all. If you set the affair aside for a moment and look at the relationship, you probably have two unhappy people, not doing anything to fix the situation. She made a selfish move in finding comfort in this new man's arms, and she is really fooling herself that this new guy is her "soul mate". But you're right, we probably see this differently. I respect your opinion and I think you made a good point. But I'm sticking by my mine that the responsibility to keep the relationship whole is both parties, the affair is a selfish and crappy way to deal with their problem, and informing the husband is a bad idea.
  24. Reluctant Rebuilder
    I'd be living the life I have today, except I wouldn't have the heartache and deep desire to connect with someone.
  25. Reluctant Rebuilder
    Wait a minute, if your friend was stealing office supplies or petty cash from their employer would you tell their employer? There is a big difference between murder and rape to infidelity. Also, the idea that her friend is morally deficient is simplistic. She is in an unhealthy relationship that both her and her husband are responsible for. Happy people in healthy relationships don't have affairs, and yeah I agree she's being selfish by how she is handling it, but she isn't Jane the ripper or the anti-christ because of three lines of text. Relationships are complex things, and it's never 100% anyone's fault. I wouldn't get directly involved in this. I would tell your friend that you don't want to know anymore details, and that you disagree with what she is doing, that she's setting herself up for a painful life changing experience when it eventually comes crashing down around her, that she is going to destroy her husband when he finds out, and that she should tell her husband to go with her to relationship counseling ASAP and try to salvage the marriage or decide to move on.
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