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Thank you! I'm so glad I came here first instead of reacting solely on emotion. It gave me time to see the situation for what it really was. You made me think of a child who yells "lookatmelookatmelookatme!", and the adults just ignore them. Thank you so much! Reading your replies made me feel better instantly. I am not going to respond to his posts. I really don't want to get in a back and forth with him, because the last argument I had with him knocked me emotionally off the planet for over a week. Not worth it for something so petty. Also, it always seemed that he enjoyed it when I got angry, like it was like a turn on for him. It would also make me look bad, because he's quite passive aggressive. People who don't know him well think he's just being funny, whereas I would be seen as overreacting. It's happened before... in person! Just like what he was doing to me. Good idea. If others reply then I'll take the opportunity to chime in indirectly. Yes... because of some other things, I have a sneaking suspicion that he may be trying to get my attention for whatever reason. That I know of, he has never wanted me to leave him (he wanted me to stay and be friends at least), they only reason we have been distant is because I told him I wanted to do NC. Sometimes I wonder if he's trying to break back into my circle of trust -- because what he's doing is very similar to what he did to first get my attention when we met. Tossing crumbs and picking brash fights he knows will aggrivate me. (Back then though, when he challenged me like that I put him in his place and it was smooth sailing after that.) ...but thinking more realistically... He may have been just trying to get the attention of the forum (we are both well-known there), because I've been really active with the group lately and a lot of people want to ask questions and talk to me and such. This could be his way of trying to eliminate the competetion for attention (he always wants to be the center of attention). I choose to not participate!

...but you're the one that decides whether you want marriage and kids or not. Not society, most certainly not him. That's a personal choice only you can make. Giving up your dreams for someone doesn't make a healthy relationship. If it is indeed the lifestyle you want someday, I think you need to look at it as: he was an odd card out that was delt into the deck of your lifestyle. Better to replace one mismatched card then try to replace a whole deck for that one card. If you replace your dream deck, you may regret it for a long time, and that's a whole lot more hurt coming your way. If you ever feel like telling him how much you hurt, I would recommend coming here and telling all of us instead. Telling him things like that will just drive him further from you, and his response (if any) probably won't help you heal much. ...but it's no good to bottle it up either, get it all out, maybe keep a journal here like I see a lot of people do.

So it's been a year since I've ever talked to my ex in person or online, or seen him in person. It was my choice to start NC, and he has pretty much respected it and stayed away, until now. We have frequented the same gaming forum for a little over two years. For a while after the breakup neither of us went there anymore. Then slowly I decided I enjoyed posting there (like I do here) and the threat of him being an online presense wasn't going to stop me from talking to online friends and exploring my hobby (one that we unfortunately share). I noticed he also started posting again soon after I came back. For a while that really bothered me that he was there again, but I got through it and don't really mind anymore. (ok my ex is looking at the same websites as me, who cares!) I do think that was just a coincidence though. So far so good, we've ignored each other and not posted in each other's threads. Until... Lately I noticed he's actually reading and replying to post's I've posted, though indirectly (talking in general about the subject, adding to what I've said, answering other people's questions, not really replying to me). Which isn't so bad because he's still not really talking to me... (it's like having to go to work with your ex and having a professional, indifferent, relationship, I think...) Until... I got really excited about a new game that's coming out this year, and posted a little info about it on the forums. A few people replied saying how interesting and unique it looked. Then my ex barges in the thread spewing negative @#$% all over the thread -- saying how this game is exactly like another game, isn't unique at all, and can never be as good as the one he played. It hurt, a lot. Just a few simple words. It was a gilmpse of how he was in end of the relationship with me: always cutting me down when I get excited or happy about something. Always crushing people's spirits so he can be "right". Okay... He wasn't cutting ME down, he was cutting the GAME down. ...but because my opinion of the game is so high right now, and his facts he put down about the game incorrect, I want to go to that thread and straighten things out, like I would with any other person who bashes something with no real base. I really wanted to retaliate and put my point of view down (because it felt like he was attacking me and I can't stand for that anymore), but I didn't. I really wanted to rip him up, but I didn't. I don't think I should because I want to be the bigger person -- but my self esteem is screaming that I'm being walked over. I don't know what I should do. This is really upsetting me.

It's not sad at all. I prefer a well written erotica to a porn vid any day. With the words you get to use your imagination more!

Maybe that's why he seems to have changed... because you have changed as well? This sounds like the guy who enjoys the chase more than the catch.

My imagination always works overtime... Humm what are some good ones... + He finally finds another girlfriend but she treats him like dirt. He finally realises what he did to me, and how much I actually cared about him. + He ends up working for me as a peon... and I treat him with total professional indifference like we'd never met. + I become a famous writer, actress, or model and he has to look at my work on tv and in advertisements all the time. ...or the story I happened to write has a certain character that seems a lot like him... + He becomes a disheveled college bum who ends up working in a dead end job all alone... (he gave me an excuse upon leaving me that he wanted to focus on school and work -- apparently that's not going so well) Girls don't want him because he's more insensitive than ever and his heygene is questionable. That's actually a really sad thought, because I hope he really does end up with his dreams of success -- but when I feel anger towards him that one makes me feel better. + He contacts me and I give him hell. (wouldn't do that for real...) + That sometime in the future we meet again at some social gathering of all our old friends, and I'm either extrememly attractive and single, or am already married and have my husband and son with me at the party. While he sits at the bar and is all single and lonely... boo hoo... + He gets our best mutual friend to let him into my apartment and fill it with roses. There is one white rose somewhere in the apartment with a note attached... yadda yadda... mushy stuff... I give him another chance, but he's learned his lesson and everything is okay! Yay! There's even some sillier ones than that...

My therapist asked me this question. This is more or less what I told her... I feel much stronger now and I think I could handle the relationship a lot more maturely than I did if I did it again. I think my behaviour caused a lot of the decline of my relationship, and I could prevent that having learned what I've learned. My ex however, is equally guilty of the destruction... so unless he learned something and applied it too, the same thing would probably happen. I think the reason we were attracted to each other in the first place, was because of the path in life we were both on at the time that we met. If I had to meet him again, would I still be attracted to the whole person as I was? I often fantasize of going back and changing little things just to see the possible different outcome. thereforeeee, I don't think going back and doing it again would be a wise choise... though I would do it all again in a hearbeat anyway. Another chance, even if it failed, might crush the hope I ever have of being with him again. ...and that would help a lot in me moving on, has painful as it would be. I might learn more and become even stronger by the experience as well... Well put...

Great thread... I realised that gaming was my hobby before he even knew what a computer or console was, and though he may be better or more knowledgeable than me in a lot of games, it's still MY hobby and I can and will enjoy it without my Player 2. I'm almost able to listen to all the songs that I used to listen to when I was in the relationship... but there's quite a few that are completely unappealing to listen to now (like Orlander and his NSYNC song) or give me strange unsettling feelings. Music is powerful. Everything else is still pretty sentimental... it sucks. Hurry up, healing!

Wow... your post really struck me. I felt as if I were reading an account of the end of the relationship I've been struggling with for the last year. I was with a guy who was younger than me. He was all into me, then he turned around at about the magic 6 month mark and wasn't sure about the relationship anymore. He thought he knew where the relationship was going and didn't want to go there, yet. (the "yet", I think, is the poison dart that still stings me -- but this thread isn't about me so I'll shut it now) Is that really how you feel? You mention age, kids, marriage, not pressuring, and possibly scaring him off. I might be completely off here, but... Did you purposely not express your desires because that's really what you want? Were you were worried if you talked about these kinds of things to a younger guy you would scare him off? That's the impression I got in my mind, sorry if it's completely off. I know even if I were working on a degree or something else important... my relationships would still be on my mind. So I'm not sure that he bought it... I think maybe, just maybe, he could see that you would want all those things, maybe not immediately, but soon, and he wasn't ready for it or just didn't want it. Maybe he just didnt' want it with you, as much as I hate to say that. Maybe he was feeling overwhelmed, who knows... All I know is analyzing him and what drove him to do what he did will drive you insane. So he wants you to hang around, but not really have a relationship with you. I've heard guys spew that nonsense to me before. It's a cop-out. It's just something to delay what's to come. I've been in that exact situation and it's hell. I'll never do it again. I did what you did too, I told him there was nothing left to say and I didn't want to speak anymore. It was terrible, horrible, awful... because I missed him so badly. ...but it worked. I regained a lot of my strength back and can now look back and see the relationship for what it was a little more clearly. Personally I don't think you should contact him anymore; emails and text and such saying how much you miss him. In my experience that has a way of driving a person away further and loosing their respect. If he changes his mind, he will most likely contact you -- but don't count on that if it hasn't happened already. I did and it made me very depressed over something that was over a long time ago. I hope I've said something useful... I'm no expert at this...

I went to my classes... but then I was half asleep in my classes from a combination of insomnia the night before and boredrom.

I am going for a science degree, so I will need math. I've known that I will need significant skill in math for years. I like science but math has always held me back from doing well in certain areas. I'm always home. I don't have anywhere to go right now except the therapist's office once a week. The math tutor comes to my house. I've tried doing it first thing in the morning when I wake up, but becasue I'm not sleeping well I feel like garbage when I get up and push the math away for later. I don't have the discipline to make a rewards system for myself. It's a good idea, but I've tried that and I end up cheating and just going for the rewards after maybe looking at the first question... I'm doing it right now and I hate myself for it. ](*,)

I had a tutor come in last week to help me with math, and she was good... in the sense that she knew her stuff and was nice to me. She is a retired high school teacher with university degrees in math. She loves the stuff. I hate it. I had to hold back my tears when she quizzed me on certain things as she was teaching me. It's only a matter of time before I burst out crying when she asks me what 9 x 8 is. She assessed the situation and gave me a starting point, which helped a lot. The starting point is reasonable for my skill level; if I sat down and studied I could probably learn the math that I need for university. ...but I'm sure that as usual, it would leak out my ears and I would forget everything before university actually starts. That thought doesn't help. She gave me homework to do... a lot... I don't want to do it. I did some of it the day after she left, and since then I can't get myself to pick it up. I have no excuse to not do it. I know in my heart that I won't do the work, and she will be disappointed in me. This is turning into university when I was last in it -- I don't want to do the work and I end up dropping out. For what... to sit at home with my mother (I'm almost 20 now, by the way) and wait for my next therapy session?! It's pathetic. No amount of my parents or friends saying "just do it!" helps. In fact it makes me not want to do it more. If I could "just do it", heck, I'd be doing it now! I hate math so much. I hate studying so much. It makes me depressed to read notes and textbooks. I get bored in seconds and automatically start thinking of my ex, which is unhealthy. ...but I NEED this math to do the things I want to do in life. You could say... "well when you really want to achieve your goals, you will find it in yourself to do the work" ...but I don't ever see myself wanting to do math. Ever. It takes so much effort to hold the information in my mind and I don't want to do it. ...but I need it or I'm stuck at home forever! ](*,) What am I going to do!?

My ex broke up with me almost a year ago now and I still grieve from time to time. You do ride the crazy train of loss and grief... or at least I did, a lot. I have those kinds of dreams too. The ones where your ex is back, everything is perfect, and you couldn't feel any happier or you'd burst at the seams. Then you wake up and realise it wasn't real... When my breakup was fresh I dreamed about him almost every night, and waking up from the wonderful dreams was awful. These days a lot of the dreams I have, he's still in, but in the background somewhere. He's not a main feature anymore. I still have a lot of trouble falling asleep, too. 3-4-5am... I found that forcing myself to wake up before or around 9am every day helps me fall asleep earlier. So try to stay on schedule! Hopefully that's easier for you than it is for me (who wakes up at 12pm sometimes ...and about considering an ex who has left as dead. I tried that for a few months when I was having a really hard time dealing with it. It did help a little, until I saw him by accident one day.

This is true. Two of my boyfriends were shorter than me and quite lithe. ...and I still thought they were the sexiest things ever when I was with them. Small is sexy to me.