FortunateOne

Yes! This is what I've been saying to these "nice guys" with my posts. To get a clue and become confident, but they just want to wallow in negativity and self pity. Why? To feed their selfish inward need for attention. How selfish of them to critizise "real men" for their own insecurities. We're not on this thread to show off how confident we are, but to help you achieve a new state of mind by discovering that once you start being truly selfless success will come in every day tasks which will bring on more confidence in your life. Trust me, it doesn't do me or any other "real man" any good to help you understand what it takes to be a well rounded whole man. So, PLEASE, listen to us and start to own up your faults so you can authentically change for the better. Why? Because I too WAS a needy "nice guy" like all of you in my teens and twenties.

In the thread below about the traits women want from a man I posted ten traits that I try to achieve on a daily basis so that I can be the best man to a woman. These traits are the way I sort throught the emotionally unhealthy women that want to date me. Yes, it may seem too demanding, but it's what I perceive a good healthy woman should be if they want my time. Just like women want a confident man, well, I too want a confident woman. This is how you'll find a quality man, but it comes at a price. You must soul search and create an identity that will be attractive to a quality man.

No! You'd want to make a paradigm shift as to what a healthy "real man" definition is in your life before you find the right man for you. As I wrote before a "bad boy/pretty boy" and a "nice guy/doormat" are the same since they both use a hidden plan to convince you that they are worth the time. My apology in advance if I offend you, but this question seems a bit shallow. You've dated pretty boys which leads me to believe that you focus on image, not substance. Also, you want a pretty boy nice guy combo which further leads me to think that you may need a bit more of alone time to soul search what you want from life. This, my fellow ENA'er, is called maturity. If you seriously want to change your men selection status you need to reassess your world view. You may need to deal with some more profound emotional issues before you move forward with another date or deep relationship. These are serious life issues that will affect the rest of your life and the present is the best time to deal with your emotinal intelligence. You can be lead to the answer, but it's up to you to want the solution.

I think Hoss is on to something here. My best male friend of 28 years is going to school full time, was at the time a tri-athlete trying to qualify for Kona and works 24 hours a week in an athletic store. Imagine, how did his girlfriend feel about being at the bottom of all these activities? He had the same issue that you have and had to decide; the life he has or a life with her. Well, he decided a life with her since she's the best woman he's ever met (knowing him she's his soulmate). He had to quit his Kona dream that freed up 20 hours a week and focused only on school, her and work. He wanted to invest a lot of quality time into her and after a few months it's emotionally paid off with the return of her admiration, respect and love in the relationship. Like anything else in life you get what you put into it. thereforeeee, even though there are many other issues in life, specially your mother's needs, I believe you can make this work if anyone can on ENA. Your heart is in the right place so go get back what you deserve. Good luck and God bless. I'll pray for your success.

Flirting is often described as casual conversation with a romantic touch, but it need not be spoken interaction at all. link removed flirt: playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest link removed Main Entry: 1flirt link removed Pronunciation: 'fl&rt Function: verb Etymology: origin unknown intransitive verb 1 to move erratically : link removed 2 a to behave amorously without serious intent b to show superficial or casual interest or liking 3 to come close to reaching or experiencing something -- used with with transitive verb 1 : link removed 2 to move in a jerky manner synonym see link removed - flir·ta·tion link removed /"fl&r-'tA-sh&n/ noun - flirt·er noun - flirty link removed /'fl&r-tE/ adjective link removed I'd venture a guess that the English language must be off on what flirting means. Hmmm! Since you're young, do yourself a favor and experience life before you commit to a man. Find your self identity and become a self made confident woman. Then you'll find a mate to complement you, not complete you. Just let go of the fear and do the right thing with your boyfriend.

My apologies for the loveless childhood you experienced. I too was raised in a cold environment, but to get love one must give love. It's not as easy as it sounds. You must completely understand and acknowledge what circumstances created this stone cold reaction to life. The book that put my childhood and love in order was "Bad Childhood---Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood" by Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger. This is the best book I've ever read on the subject of love.

Prioritization Sequence #1. Spirituality - We all need to believe in an all encompassing diety or force. #2. Authenticity - To be true to one's self is to be true to the world. #3. Family - How we treat our loved ones is how we treat the world. #4. Character - We must live by a disciplined set of moral values. #5. Ambition - To get what we deserve we must tenaciously want it. #6. Intelligence - We must strive to always learn and process everything in life. #7. Humility - We're all the same; no better and no worse, just human. #8. Appearance - A healthy body leads to a positively healthy attitude in life #9. Personality - Take great joy in how we serve our positive habits to others #10. Creativity - To lovingly apply outside the norm caring actions to all Confidence is the all inclusive thorough application of these traits. Imagine? No, live it.

Yes, it's an illusion that turns into a delusion and the same goes to the idea of what a "good girl" and a "party girl" represents. Wrong attitude. Just define what and who you are as an individual and then live it. As I stated a few posts ago "nice guys" are as sneaky as "bad boys" since they live a false illusion of what a "real man" should be in life. thereforeeee, by being real, intelligent and emotioanlly healthy you can attract a "real man" that will complement (not complete) the whole person you want to be. You must keep a positive attitude and continue the growth that will make you a wonderfull woman for that right man in your future. I think not. Girls do find them. They just don't want them for the same reason they don't want a bad boy. The "nice guy" will manipulate them with soft feelings of friendship and sincerity in order to get the validation the he wants with the added benefits of sex. How sneaky is that? This in sales is what we call a soft sell. Notice how the "nice guy" vents on how he is "not being acknowledged by women" and blames them for going after jerks. Please. How do I know? I used to be a nice guy and after many years of evaluating the reason behind why I was ignored by women I found out that I was the probem, not women, society or "bad boys", but ME. Back to the sales analogy; a "nice guy" is the soft sell and the "bad boy" is the hard sell. Either way it's the preasure sell to a prospect that they need the propduct regardless of the reality. Guess what? There are many buyers that regret the purchase. Wow! This means many women are disatisfied with the "nice guy" and "bad boy" once the reality of the sale sets in. Now a "real man" is the easy sell of the product to your prospect's wants or needs. This is the independance we all find so attractive in who we want to be with. Confidence in one's own life with out a care of who happens to be the love you want to share it with. This is the icing on the cake of life and what makes a loving relationship so full of trust, admiration and respect.

It's funny how both sexes interpret "bad boys" and "nice guys" when the reality is they both approach women with the same mindset, "How can I conquer and get validation from the object of my obsession?"...... Think about it? Both male types are in it for a selfish satisfaction of their own physical and/or emotional needs. Wouldn't this be a hidden agenda? Either way they both are seeking an approval from a woman through a controlling narcissistic traits. "Bad boys" want a woman that can be controlled and keep her guessing about his intentions. This type is so full of sh*t that they swagger around in a false confident attitude to make up for his inadequacies and insecurities with women, career and life. They rather victimize than be victims for the ultimate rush of feeding their childish tamtrums to continue the spoiling of themselves, since no one else will. "Nice Guys" want to "guilt" the opposite sex into liking them for the falsehood they represent; "I'm a good person and thereforeeee deserve your love, admiration and SEX"... And when it's not returned, they show their true selfish colors in a passive aggressive manner. They blame it on society's view of their poor lot in life and develop a bi-polar opinion on what a woman is, Goddess vs B*tch. Once again feeding the childish spoiling of his self identity. The answer that men need to learn is that healthy women are complex beigns that seek the same as a healthy "real man" does when in a healthy state of mind. We all want the acceptance of the opposite sex by the discerning choice of our healthy needs to complement us, not complete us. This is why we humans are attracted to confidence. We want a person that is not in need of a relationship to define or fill the missing parts of your journey through life, but a person that can add extra positive traits or love some one for the love itself without it affecting the good life one's built around spirituality, career, family, friends and sex. To my fellow men I can only ask for you to grab yourself by the b*lls and impeach the negative world view you live in by creating a real environment that mentally, physicaly, emotionally and spiritually builds a "nest" that will define your true self. With this an awesome woman will take notice and will love you for who you are, not who you project you are. As for the OP's question, I suggest you focus on building a life of joy around your career/school, friends, family and mind so that when you least expect it a "real man" will come into your life to complement you and what you represent as a healthy mature woman. Take care and be positive with every one around you.

There are many men who like "old fashion" reserved women. Heck, I'm one, but the issue is the emotional health behind the woman. By reading your previous threads it seems to me that you've yet to discover your true self. The men you've written about here on ENA are not the type of man you want, yet you keep dating them. Remember the definition of insanity; repeating the same thing and expecting a different out come. One author/radio personality that really boils this issue down to the core is Dr. Laura. Have you read any of her books? They talks about SAHM's and how to look for the man that's willing to love these types of women. It seems that you may need a bit more self discovery before you find that special man that will give you what you deserve. Don't let the biological need interfere with the rational need. To add: "Birds of a feather flock together", you may need to reassess the type of friends you decide to have. I know we all seek approval from our environment, but it's the environment we put around us that defines/makes us who we are.

This is so true Charley. Just don't give the opposite sex too much insight on our psychy.

I vote for growth. You're doing fine since you're alone. Now when it goes from alone to lonelyness then you need to rethink things. So, be happy alone and create an awesome future for you.

Hey, I too am self employed and work a lot in a field that's very social. When my time to relax comes I don't hang out with my friends or go to events as of late. Why? I want to be lazy, veg out and recoup from a stess filled week. Heck, even the guys from church remind me of my accountabilty to God sponsored events, but I want to unwind and relax so I can prepare for the next week of battle in my field.

To be confident is to have self esteem. Self esteem is what we all seek, yet we need to understand the fine line between confidence and narcissism or confidence and submissiveness. As Hoss said one can be uncaring about things, but this attitude will leave an unanswered void that will grow with time, which is what you seem to feel at the moment. This is how we prove ourselves to others. Guess who we hurt the most with this uncontrolled behavour? Ourself. Why? We have to mentally prove us to us. This may even manifest a lot of perfectionism in our demands and expectations which extend to others. The way I over came the void is to deeply ask myself why or what happened to my self confidence as a child. This lead to me admitting that I was in denial about many things in my childhood. Once I acknowledged these issues in a healthy psychological manner I was able to understand what it really means to be emotionally intelligent and become a positively healthy man in my life. Trust me, this shines through to women since now I get a lot of attention thanks to the new attitude. With this new attitude I now seek healthy relationships based on positive human traits and emotional intelligent decisions. It's a tough transition, but if I can do it so can anyone else.

It sound as if you want it to work out, so have you tried couples therapy? And if so, what are the core issues you need to want to fix in your relationship? Then again, can you ever trust? If not, what to do next?

Sure, no problem.

I completely understand your eye opening experience since it too happen to me. Check out this book "Help, I'm in Love with a Narcissist": link removed This book really made me understand about my mother's character flaws and how to deal with them in a healthy manner. Another book that furthered my relationship with my mother was "Bad Childhood... Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy CHildhood": link removed I discovered that all my relationships prior to the discovery of this were related to being raised by a narcissist.

These posts are so dead on. I too wouldn't hire someone so negative into my company. People this neagative are a cancer on other employees' morale and I'd suggest you make a healthy paradigm shift if you plan to enter a career. All I can suggest is to get some help to over come this attitude and accept the reality of the world. You can only control what's in your actions, not others actions you assume.

Do you and her have any psycological issues or in therapy?

Wow! Did you ever consider all this before you decided to date and impregnate her? Do you really want unselfishly honest advise?

In a perfect world women would date a man because of his inner self, not their lving conditions, BUT in the real world women look for a partner that might be the father of their children. That being the truth in life a man must be able to build the nest that a woman expects and deserves to raise a family. So, in my opinion a man that lives with his parents needs to deal with the issue at hand (economic need, parential convalescence, united family bond, cultural customs, etc) and create an environment to emotionally heal and economically construct support for a healthy family foundation. This may not support a perfect world view, but it's reality when it comes to attracting a mate. If I were you I would concentrate on building a mental, physical and economic healthy environment so that an awesome healthy woman can admire, respect and trust that you can overcome all obsticles life throws at you in a positive manner. My mother lost her house in 1992 and went on disability due to an illness. When I bought my home in 1997 I allowed her to move in with me and supported her. The women that I wanted to date did not want to compete for my attention with my mama. Only unhealthy women wanted to date me since they saw me as an easy target due to their opinion that I was a mama's boy, thereforeeee easily manipulated. I sad no to that and I decide to build my mental, physical and economic life and now my mother lives there in my house with a good man that romantically and economically supports her. I made enough to where I can live/buy elsewhere by myself and now I've been attracting the women I always wanted to meet based on what I define a real woman to be in my eyes. Now they respect, admire and trust to get all my attention and love the nest I have to offer for their future offspring. Now my issue is to find the best in the jewelry box as Proverbs 31:10 says "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies." This, my friend, is true confidence in being a man which is what all healthy women want. Remember, this does not happen over night. It takes years of self discovery and analysis to do it. Please continue to heal and build the world you dream about in your life. You have the power to take the next positive step, so "just do it".

Hey buddy I'm proud of your willingness to serve the greatest military in the history of the world. Remain positive and don't let other's negativity get you down. We all make choices that reflect who we are in life. I have many friends and love ones in the armed forces. A couple have died and I'm proud of their sacrifice for our beliefs. This is a very honorable and unselfish decision you've made, so go out and take hold of an awesome future that awaits.

Hey buddy, I feel you since I went through this 12 years ago. The big decision you need to come to terms with is what kind of personality type sums you up at this moment. I really don't know which type you represent so I'll advice you on the four basic types I've learned to read people by. To start if you're a "emulator" or "dreamer" type that emulates to be someone of percieved success and don't understand how they achieved it then I'd suggest to take the job and follow your dream as a hobbie until you achieve it without jeopardizing your future wife and family. Now if you're a "comformist' or "live simple" type that enjoys to make do with what you have with out the outside rat race and loves traditional values then I'd suggest to take the job and start to build a financial foundation and steady security nest so that your future wife can find safety in for a family. Next if you're the "over achiver" or "perfectionist" type that wants to be the best in everything you do and is highly competetive then stay in school to fully achieve your ambitions and all will work out in the end with lots money and great personal growth. Last if you're the "socially conscience" or "deep thinker" type that loves the journey more than the end game then stay in school to discover your talents without regards to money and find a like minded woman to share your passions with. The tough part is to be brutally true to yourself on what type you are and then accept your nature as it plays out. Each type has it's good and bad traits and only you can figure out which traits you like or not. I grew up fooling myself that I was a deep thinker that cared for the world when reality my personality was founded on perfection. I thought it was an ugly negative trait but discovered it's a positive for me since it took me out of mediocrity to help me achieve happiness with career, relationships and me even though many people see me as to demanding, abrasive and intense. So please figure out who you are and everything will fall in place.

Wow! Well, you may want to start by working on your communication skills. Your syntax, grammar and morphology need a lot of work before you take on the business world. This is how one makes an important impression on people which is the key to success in any field.

Take hold of the sadness and work through it in a healthy manner. Step outside yourself to see the unfair cards of life and cry on your shoulder. Acknowledge and absolve yourself of the unfairness with the empathy that only you can fully understand. Dwell in the sadness, yet remember the life you own. Remember how you inspire hope to others emotionally worse off on this site, heck, life. You will reach a point in which you saturate yourself with comfort and become tired of your emotion. This is when the paradigm shift happens. You will want to accept it and feel a new emotinal state. New hope, new spirit, new LIFE. To achieve this work through this final stage and all the self love will flow out to the world , universe and God.