Rain__man

Crappy situation, but I'm glad to hear you made a choice! Now just take the word "think" out of there, and break the bad news to your gf. Do her a favor and don't leave her ANY reason to think you two might get back together-you owe her that. If you don't feel as strongly as she does, this was probably going to happen anyway, whether your ex is the right one for you or not.

Dude, DO NOT even take that one back, that was your most brilliant post ever, LOL! On a more serious note, no. All guys do not cheat, but all relationships are not perfect. If you are not getting everything you need out of it, your attention will wander. Personally it would go against my nature to cheat on someone I was in a serious relationship with, I would really have to break it off with the person I was with if I started wondering if there was someone better out there.

Hmm..."right". I think there's two kinds of head, personally. "Make me cum" head, and "show me how much you love mini-me" head. Same goes for head for either sex, you definitely should be able to get your partner off when you're doing it, but sometimes it's almost more enjoyable to watch your partner enjoy...well you for a long time, than to have either of you worrying about that rush to climax. I used to have a bit of a problem staying aroused when recieving, because I was focused on the fact that it wasn't being done "right" long enough for me to reach the happy ending. I learned to relax and just enjoy the "getting" part, and I found that it actually turns me on more. Just my thoughts. B

I just want to say that your situation is very different from mine in one major respect... well, respect, actually. My ex broke us up for her own issues, and reasons--not because she wanted someone else in paricular. She actually had the balls to cut herself off before there was someone in particular in mind, yours waited until there was someone else on the hook to break it to you that his attention was wandering. You should be of the mind that unless he crawls his sorry * * * * * back and swears this was the worst decision of his miserable existence, you don't want him back! You won't feel this way for a while, and until you have a strong enough sense of yourself that you aren't just willing to forgive him "just to make it all better again", you probably should keep NC rolling, and eventually start looking for someone who actually knows what he wants... and you're it. In the mean time, get angry. Get pi$$ed, and use it to go work out, go clubbin and dance your butt off with your girlfriends, whatever. Get into the best shape of your life, and start doing all those things that you have neglected since you started occupying all your time with him, reading, painting, whatever. Do all the things that you could never quite share with him, and find new ones. Don't worry about who the real love of your life is, just start getting ready to meet him someday. Take care, B

Pointless is just a frame of mind... if nothing else, surviving your own pain gives you the opportunity to help someone else down the road... even if you do it sounding like a know-it-all arrogant * * * * *

Khol, I can't even imagine the situation you're in, so I really don't blame you if this all sounds like high-level advice from a low-level source... but I think that's the beauty of depression. Everyong gets to experience the same feeling of hell on earth (or purgatory, take your pick no matter how bad their situation really is. Just take a little comfort that there are people on this earth in much worse condition than you who can't possibly feel any worse. Making the depression itself my enemy was what worked for me. It's not an instant victory, and victory might not be exactly what you think it will, but if you keep getting up and getting back in the ring... at the least, it can never beat you, can it?

All I can say... is that this state of mind is a choice. You can choose to believe that this empty shell of a mind is you, and that this is all the life you will ever have, or you can choose to believe that you are only this way because you haven't found your path... your truth. Go looking for darkness, and it will surround you. Focus on that one speck of light, and you will meet up with it one day.

Same story here with the depression and feeling "separated" through most of my life... I think the more you believe that the wackos are the normal ones (who'll tell you they are perfectly normal, and worse, have it affirmed by being surrounded by wackos just like them), the crazier you feel. Maybe it takes just a bit of egotism to keep yourself out of the nuthouse =P As long as you can still look at someone and say "This dude's f***in' NUTS!" you're probably fine

Not to say you should neglect the rest of the shaft, or the boys (if you're comfortable and he keeps it all trimmed), but no- you really aren't expected to gag it down like the porn sluts. If you're really into it though, try googling "suppress gag reflex" or something similar.

I see the same thing a lot Ice... correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't most of the people you're talking about (possibly the ex as well) pretty irresponsible, maybe have a job, but no career in sight, and have never worked more than 45hrs a week in their lives? Screw 'em, they're "casual" friends at best, and until (if) they actually get their a$$es motivated to be something besides mediocre, they will never quite look at you as an equal... the joke's on them, not you.

How long is a "while", how serious are you guys, and what exactly is the race/religion taboo he is pushing by dating you?

One more thing, Star... Don't even go there with that "turning back time" crap. This is his issue, and there is no way you could have acted, and no other person you could have been that would have prevented this. He could have been dating Heather Graham, and once he got curoius about someone else, he would have done the same thing.

Star, I know exactly how you feel hon, and I am really sorry-this is going to be a tough roller-coaster for a while. I am in the exact same situation with my GF of almost 2 years (very similar personalities involved too, sounds like). We both fell very fast and hard, and less than 6mo in, she was calling me her "perfect man" and said she wanted to be together forever, blah, blah. After a while I trusted her enough to feel the same way, and maybe by that time she was already having doubts, and I just never noticed. Anyway, she had also had things bothering her she wasn't communicating, had a bit of a breakdown a few months ago, and decided we needed a break. Originally we were to get back together and try it again in August, but we've talked a few times since everything, and I'm still not sure she has given much thougt to whether she really felt, or feels the things we said to each other. I really think I've wasted a lot of recovery time waiting for that to happen. I guess my advice is... when you're a functional couple, you're never going to solve every issue, but when there are problems, they're both of your problem not just one person's. If he never felt like he could talk about his fears and actually put some work into your relationship... he probably isn't the man you thought he was, is he? I felt the same way you do now when it started, and all it's really gotten me is the feeling that I should have just given her space and started healing on my own. If you track him down and check up on him, and jus' "call to say hi" you're going to reveal feelings and thoughts that really aren't going to help you at all-and appear desperate... the only likely result is annoyance on his part, selfish and unfair as that is. Just do your best to keep negative feelings away. I'm not sure I advise absolute NC, but if you two talk, do it only when you're not feeling bitter, hurt, or confused-keep everything casual and friendly. You've said your peace, even though I know you have so much more to say, and more you want to know. If he is who you thought he was, he will tell you the things you want to know some day, if not... who cares? I'm starting to finally look at other people with a little interest, and I think that's really only become possible by realizing there's a good possiblilty she wasn't (or at least isn't now) who I thought she was, and maybe not even worthy of what I truly tried to offer. Whether I did everything right or not, we should have been able to work on her issues before they became problems. If something is meant to be, it will be. Just don't go wasting your time living for a maybe. Take care, B

I really know how you feel on this, and in the last 4 years, sometimes it doesn't feel like I've made much progress either. I think more people like me at work than in the rest of my life, now though. The worst thing you can be around other people is uncomfortable, and as soon as you get self conscious about it, you have a really hard time getting "yourself" back. The advice I've been offered is really hard to follow... but I think I'm finally starting to see some results. You have to throw yourself out of your "comfort zone" constantly. I've been putting myself into those situations where I feel all outcast and self conscious, and I'm finally starting to feel less so, and have more "me" time when I'm just hanging out with people I don't know. You will definitely embarrass yourself sometimes, but it's never really as bad as you imagine it, and nowhere near as crappy as feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. Make the choice to drop the "shy" act. That's not who you are, that's just the face you try to put on when you feel like you're not as important as the people around you... which is bullsh*^. B

God that's the truth... I'm not even remotely the same person I was at 18. Your entire thinking pattern and self image will continue to rewrite itself in the next 8 or 10 years. It's really scary to me that people get married, and even worse, have kids before 28... ever. Especially with how "socially acceptible" divorce has become, it's the kids that always get screwed when the parents need to go off and "find themselves" in their mid 20's, usually separately.

Wow... I guess the word "opinionated" comes to mind here. I seriously doubt that there are very many couples who have been together for any legnth of time who don't occasionally entertain the fantasy of "getting some strange" the moral issue is whether or not they act on it. In this situation, I think it would be foolish on either of our parts to not at least be open to the idea- which is different from going on a rampage and trying to get laid every night. I'm not really all that bothered (in fact a bit comforted) by the fact that she was honest about it on the grounds of "...if someone intrigued me". I definitely can't say that I don't feel the same. Anyway... what the he11 is so "repulsive" about the idea of NSA interractions, as long as the feeling is mutual? If you can honestly tell me you've never had a good screw with someone that didn't involve a honeymoon... well, to each his own, but that's not the boat I want either of us on. Aside from the fact that I'm almost certain that in two months the only person she's slept with has been me (and it wouldn't bother me a bit if I was wrong), I think I have enough self respect to not be pining over someone who couldn't be worth the effort... especially after being such a picky bastard all my life. Just about everything you've said has run through my head a few hundred times or so too, but I feel like the best thing I can do to affect the outcome I want, and to make the experience positive (as opposed to destructive) is to act like I believe in it happening. I appreciate the sentiment, just not the personal attacks, or the "holier than thou" attitude.

Thanks, HSA. I did pick up Phil McGraw's book, and it really has changed the way I look at the relationship we had together. I really like the attitude that you don't have time to worry about "fixing" your partner when you have so much work to do yourself... and that it becomes reciprocal. I think the biggest impact on me (other than taking a good look at a lot of my own bad habits/attitudes) is the statement that people in a LTR often lose track of the friendship that got them together in the first place... ouch. We had a good talk last weekend, I confirmed a lot of what I thought she was going through, and I feel like neither one of us really knows if we're done. I don't know that the plan to get back together in August really matters anymore as much as the personal changes we both need to make. She feels she needs to learn to support herself, and feel complete without someone else in her life before she can have a healthy relationship- with anyone... and as much as it made me feel good being there for her, I agree. I need to learn to expand my social life for myself, and not have that hole I expect my significant other to fill all by herself. My new apt. really is becoming a great source of momentum for me- in a lot of ways. (thank you, Gracie! ) I really don't know what my outlook should be on other serious relationships, because what I think I want depends on so many factors from both of us. I don't think either of us should turn down trivial relationships/dating with other people, but I have my doubts that saying "I love you" to anyone else will even be in the realm of possible for a long, long time... whether we're "truly done" or not. I think I'm ready to stop talking about us with her altogether until she has something to say, or ask. I don't want to cut off talking to her, or even hanging out on occasion, but I'm not going to be pushy about it, and I'm not going to let it get me down if I don't hear from her. I guess I feel like I owe it to her, myself, and to what we had, to kill off my need for the relationship, and try to renew the friendship part. B

One thing that has really helped me is to learn to look at myself from the outside when I get depressed. To kind of expand on what BAS said... Make the depression your enemy, instead of focusing on whatever incident set it off. It starts to become easier to see that you didn't feel this way yesterday (or three days ago, whatever), and that after a good cry, and a good night's sleep, you won't feel like this tomorrow. After a while it becomes self-fulfilling, and you'll never spend more than a few hours/minutes in that hell, if at all. I'm fighting my weight right now too, and daily excercise seems a bit too much. I'm excercising hard enough one day that I'm all sore the next. It feels good to wake up and have all your muscles remind you that you did a good job As for your past... mine hasn't been abusive and horrible, but everyone gets scars. My ex(?) GF had a childhood/early adulthood that I think she is just starting to truly face, and it's amazing the changes I'm starting to see in her. I guess what I'm trying to say is that one day you're going to have to own up to the fact that no matter how messed up the individuals were, you have some responsibilty for reinforcing their actions... if by nothing else than by staying with them. You can't forget your past, USE it to grow into the new, stronger you! Go get that new job!

First off... why is all this related only to the "first date"? The things people are attracted to on the first date are the things they are attracted to one the second and third, too. Second... every one of these questions depends completely on what kind of man you are looking for. #1 attraction. It's not about how you dressed or whether you tried to hold his hand, it's all dependant on whether that spark appears that completely intrigues you about the person. You could do everything "right" and one guy will not be all that impressed, and one will fall head over heels that night, and never leave your side. #2 Personally, anything but slutty is fine by me, but dress how you are. If you are extremely sexual, and you want him to know that, dress that way. If you are reserved, or not sexually active, don't lead him on. #3 Confidence is always sexy, * * * * *iness is not. Be yourself, have your own opinions, carry your end of the conversation, fire off a few conversation staters of your own during those inevitable silences... Just don't give off the impression that you're more intersted in listening to yourself than getting to know him. #4 This depends completely on you, and the setting of the date. If you're going to dinner, tasteful makeup is in order. If you're going to putt-putt golf... completely optional. I personally prefer girls that are comfortable without make-up on, or at least with very little done subtly. Not sure if I'm the "norm" there or not, but a lot of guys feel the same. #5 ... if your first, second, or third "date" revolve around either of you getting tanked, you might be looking in the wrong places for partners. Jus my $.01. #6 No, we don't hate holding hands... we just hate feeling like you're tugging us around like a boat anchor... or a puppy. We also hate feeling like we must be touching you at every moment or else we don't care. We don't hate holding hands, we just hate feeling like we have to every time you're within 3 feet of us =P

I think everyone who has had social issues in their past gloats a bit inside when you see your old tormentors/ fake friends/ etc. still working at starbucks when you're on your way to an actual career. I would be willing to bet it's just as unhealthy to deny that you are human, and DO have that ugly side as it is to dwell on it in a win-lose point of view. I agree with Dirge about everything in your past making you stronger... you probably wouldn't have challenged yourself to be what you are if it weren't for the people who didn't think you were worth it back then. In a very real way, I have a lot to thank my old enemies for, and so do you. Cheers,

Can I ask a simple question...? Did you ever explain to him who the person you want to marry is?

I agree with everything except the councelor part... I've been in "counceling" before, and unless you know one who comes very highly reccomended by people that are changing as a result, you're better off battling your own demons. There's nothing worse than trying to confide and trust in someone (and paying them all the while) who hasn't even faced their demons, and is telling you all about what they learned in college about yours. You just have the feeling their ego is even weaker than your own, and that they feed on making themselves feel better by listening to other people's problems all the time. You'll get more healing from reading, and telling random people on the street about your problems than a lot of "professionals". I guess I'm not saying don't seek counceling, just don't expect that you'll be talking to someone who's been through this before. Definitely GET IT OUT though. You are worth more than any family that wouldn't believe you, or think less of you for what this piece of sh** did. You may have to face some of that... but it will be worth it in the end.

OCG... this will pass. Not the cycle, just your view of it. Life won't get any easier, you just get better at dealing with it... until one day you'll realize you're actually enjoying the challenge, and having fun while trapped in that same thing that seems like the abyss. It sounded like corny bullsh** when someone tried to explain it to me a few years ago too, so I'm sure that's what it sounds like to you. Hopefully, you'll still be around to tell the same thing to someone in a few years... (they won't listen either)

I'm not sure how much help I'll be either... I've definitely done my share of dumping, but it was always early on into a relationship. If I've ever felt strongly enough about someone to have a long relationship, it's been because I believe in that person, and that sticks with me, no matter what they are acting like or becoming. But then, my last has really been my longest yet, and even that has not quite been two years. I'm not sure I buy the whole "fell out of love" thing. Either you love or you don't... If you one day decide to just stop trying to be in love, either your mind is screwing you over, or you were never in love to begin with. I think a lot of people's minds play them for fools, whether they be the breaker or the breakee. Unless the relationship is truly unhealthy and abusive, I think something that was at one point beautiful is worth working to maintain.

Lost is absolutely correct about thinking about it too much, but beyond that... Have you tried being on top? Another that seems pretty universal is to have him kind of grind on your pelvis as you are making love. It's a missionary style, but he will almost be laying completely on top of you (he'll probably have to be up on his elbows so you can breathe though