itsallgrand

Miss M, I hear you out. You say things that make sense. I do believe I will back out of this thread. I don't have the sympathy for those in this situation that you do. I find her stance selfish. Enough said.

I did not mean for it to come accross that way at all. I knew the peanut gallery would be singing the chorus of 'it's not your fault'. I chose to be the one that goes... Step up. This is serious. You are an active contributor to the problem. Holding onto the victim stance will do nothing. This person has another human being to consider; not just herself.

Actually, I was a bit suspicious that it may be a horny young guy. Benefit of the doubt though: You will know when you have one. Every woman is different; and it can depend on so many things. It varies from day to day, orgasm to orgasm. The female body is a wonderous thing. We can have multiple orgasms once 'warming up' that can be of different intensities and length. Some orgasms are like a soft shudder through your entire body that make you go "oh! that was nice". Some make you feel as though the earth were shaking and you instinctively call upon a higher power. Enjoy your body, explore it, and see how it is for you.

Just take things realllllly slooooowww and make sure you are comfortable with the steps you are taking. There's no rush to be in a relationship. In fact, you can be totally happy on your own. If that is a truth for you; you're probably ready to try. People coming from past bad relationships have this tendency to skip through a lot of the essential parts of dating. I think it is because you get used to putting up little blinders along the way (that is what we did before) and just march right through. So, we miss a lot of important signals. You could try stripping away all ideas of dating, and simply go out and try to find a man who makes you happy as a friend. For a long time. No romantic stuff at all. That would take you through all the important phases of rebuilding trust and respect and paying attention to the movement of a commited relationship. A commited friendship. Other than that , I think the idea of going super-slow is a good idea. This is all fresh again to you: there is no reason you can't explore and date all sorts of men in a casual way. Just keep sex out of it. Enjoy time with them and get a feel for getting to know them. I'm no friggin expert either....Dating is always kinda tough!

What is it with French woman hair, eh? I've got it too! I have actually gotten the electrolysis for certain areas that were baaad. So far I have been happy with it, no new growth. It has only been a few years though. I had no idea it can grow back! Noooo!

I think Poco's on the right track. 3. You have to be a challenge. Do not throw yourself at her. With all due respect, the build-a-bear thing was great ... if you were already dating. You should have got her NOTHING. People are going to be all over me for saying this, but get her NOTHING. Instead, offer to take her out for her "free birthday drink of the year." Make it a reward to spend time with YOU. Buy her one drink. Then tell her she has to be the one to buy the rest of the drinks. Refer to item #2. Arrogant, but in a funny way. I personally like this approach. Don't buy me a bunch of stuff, don't buy all my drinks, don't try to 'buy' me at all. If you are a good guy who is worth spending time with, that will stand all by itself and you do not need to 'sell' it. You just need to available for contact. Pogo's advice also sets the tone for an equal amount of effort from both parties right from the beginning. She will come to you as often as you go to her. Yes, it does happen!

Oh, that sucks. I can relate to having hair problems. You've got lots of options: You could grow it out and wax, like you said. That works well except the waiting for the hair to grow long enough to be waxed again. But, when you wax you eventually kill off hairs so it doesn't grow back as thick and coarse. Over time though you could have some white hairs growing (ones where the hair follicles are dying). You could use a bleaching product. That'd make the hair lighter. I'm not sure how it would affect softness though, as I've never gone that way. If you were to do that, you could go to a salon. I can't vouch for the products on the market and their safety. I wouldn't want you to get burned doing it at home. You could use a dipilitory cream that kills the hair, like Nair. These tend to be harsh, and you have to find the right one. If you have sensitive skin, some of them can burn your skin. Some are fine. I use a product from Avon of all places, ordered through mail. It's gentle. Sunshine and tanning will lighten your hair over time too. Don't know if that is an option for you or not. At some salons you can get special hair care treatments that soften hair and do a lightening job on it. They are fortified with conditioners so the hair stays healthy too. These can be expensive but they rock! I hry some at the place I go to that also does electrolysis and laser hair removal. These are permenant, costly ways to get rid of the hair for good. There is also something called threading. It involves using a thread to get the hairs out. I found it painful, and it irritated my skin. But some people swear by it. Hope that helps!

Whoa. That is a BIG question. I'm glad that you have gotten yourself out of bad situations and are starting afresh. That's really exciting. You're so gonna hate my advice, but if you've read any of my other posts that doesn't ever stop me: If trust is such a big issue for you, perhaps you need a complete break from all dating to learn about you. No one likes hearing this. In my experience, this practise has actually saved lives. One has to be whole when entering a new relationship. Otherwise, bad things happen. It really is so simple. How much time have you taken from dating?

You're lucky blink. Grounding is no big deal in this situation. My aunt had my cousin arrested for smoking weed. Left him in jail for the night. He never did it again.

He does it because you allow it and he will continue to do so until you make him stop. He is being abusive. You don't deserve that.

You may be right, Annie. Sometimes the connection just isn't there. Yet it is still a great opportunity for her to learn more about herself and what she is looking for.

Whoa whoa whoa. Instead of MORE stimulation, why not try the opposite route? Forget dildos and creams and all that crap. If you can't reach an orgasm with just your man something needs to be done. You need to slow down and learn how to please each other. What was it about being on top that allowed you to orgasm before? Being in control of the movements and tempo? The mental turn on? The actual physical sensation of a 'well endowed' man? It might give you some insight into what turns you on. The actual stimulation of the clitoris is a minor part of reaching an orgasm. There is the pyschological factor and building up and mutual understanding between two people which is HUGE. Why not experiment with new forms of foreplay etc? Teach him how to please you. Have him go down on you and tell him when he is doing things right. You shouldn't be so focused on your own orgasm during sex. It's a huge turn off to the body, naturally. When you are focused on the other person and their enjoyment...and playing together...the two of you will find ways to get off just fine!

The thing is, women get FLOODED with messages. It's really annoying! And I agree...women should take initiative too. Why wouldn't we? A million and one reasons, and most are junk.

I dunno. You seem to have some pretty high expectations of what a relationship needs to be. It truly isn't always romantic and happy. It just can't be. This is where the deeper stuff comes into play: the foundation of respect, friendship, affection. Maybe he is a goofy sort of guy. I once went out with a man who was playing most of the time. Even sex was something amusing to him, we'd laugh and have a great time. When it came to being serious, he wasn't so good at that. Darker emotions made him uncomfortable, so that took time. Plus, some guys aren't as well mannered as others. Maybe he is now comfortable with you and so is relaxing his initial "good behavior". He's being more of his usual self. Basically I'm saying that it seems to me you are taking all this waaay to heart. Very personally. Maybe the guy just needs some slack at this time (?). Can you say exactly what it is you need from him in order to feel satisfied? If it is his undivided attention, compliments, a constant reminder of his love and desire for you.....well, that might be a bit much to ask. If's it's that you are feeling truly neglected and estranged: then that is worth talking to him about. Do you think it may have come accross as harsh that you asked him to leave after he came all the way to see you? That he may have felt hurt and rejected ...like maybe you don't like him now that he is not being 'perfect'? Simply a few things to think about.

That sounds like the ideal situation for you both right now. Sometimes its hard to just be. We finally get to a place where we are happy...and thoughts keep popping up bc we feel like there HAS to be something wrong all the time. You're working on letting things be. Enjoy the sunshine. The rain will come soon enough.

I don't go to dating sites bc there are too many weird men constantly popping up trying to get attention. It's not worth the effort to go through all the 'junk' to get to a nice guy, who you then have to meet under highly controlled circumstances, and be extra careful, and blahblahblah. Real life is better. Remember, you're only meeting a select group of the female population on those sites. Most are undateable for you, and out of the others you have a tiny ridiculous chance of response. That's how i feel, anyways.

JonBoy, In your imaginary scenario, I would not consider that cheating. Cheating is done with a knowledge of breaking a vow or commitment that is still active, and not giving the other party full chance to be in on all the details. In your scenario, the wife would be acting with a knowledge or belief that he hubby was dead. thereforeeee, she wouldn't be cheating (as far as I am concerned). The relationship would have ended first by death.

AntiLove, Your last post was very interesting. You mentioned thinking of being EMPOWERED by letting the anger be and seeing it. Like, 'this isn't in my control, so I really am in a position of power by realizing that'. That's a good one. I know for myself, one of the most difficult things about dealing with my anger is the feeling I have of vulnerability and powerlessness. Those feelings make me angry. I like to be in control. Surrendering is harder for me than doing something-acting-choosing. It's that feeling of having to let something else in the universe affect me without it being my decision, y'know?

Bingo! The rest is just practise and picking up on our anger at earlier and earlier stages. Thanks for starting this topic. I'm always looking for new insights into it.

Haha. There is no way around it: Cheating is NEVER justifiable. It's is ALWAYS a poor way to deal with a situation. There are always options.

Well, since you insist, and the title is 'can abusive spouse/partner change?'... You have been through what? The receiving end? Experience is a great teacher. No one knows better the wiles and ways of an abuser than one who has walked that road and came out shining. People who have never abused will never understand where an abusive person is coming from. They don't really need to. They just need to get the heck out of there.

Relationships come before my career. It works out though, because my career is relationship-based.....so they are intertwined so deeply that both support each other.

I disagree Teacup. but that's another discussion...

I respectful disagree. I think abusers can change with hard personal work and struggle. The odds lean towards most not making that journey, though. Also, I don't think a partner to such a person need stick by an abuser. In almost all cases, I think they should leave. Abuse is one of those things that makes it impossible to truly be with someone. No one should feel badly for walking away and protecting themself.

I read it all too and I am blown away. What a lot to be carrying on your shoulders at 17! You should feel very proud of yourself for how well you are doing. You come accross as such an intelligent,caring and responsible young woman. I sincerely hope all your dreams come true and you do make it to university. You mom is acting very selfishly from what you have posted. I could actually feel my blood pressure rising. Obviously, she is struggling with her own problems and is unable to adequately care for all of you. That makes me incredibly sad. I personally grew up in a household dominated by an alcoholic mother. I have a younger sibling, and at your age I was in much a similiar situation. My father passed away when I was pre-teen - my mother was running around town or bringing boyfriends home. Reach out to all the adults you trust and create a strong support system for yourself of advisors and helpers. I could understand that you may be concerned about your siblings and what would happen if you leave for university - a responsibility you should not be burdened with, but yet is your reality. You stepfather sounds like a good one to turn to, and your father. I'm sorry you are facing all this. Vent here as much as you like. I hope things look better soon.