Batya33
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Everything posted by Batya33
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Did you ever have a conversation where you said to each other words at least very close to "what are your intentions here? are we in a relationship, or not?" with a straight answer. It's a lot of fun to whisper sweet nothings and play at a relationship and brag to everyone how good you've got it but people who are truly serious take the time to have that very short, very clear, conversation about where they stand. Evading or avoiding that conversation is fine but then you risk exactly the situation here.
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It's fine if you don't want to define what you have between you, but then you cannot expect to define it as a "breakup" afterward and have the expectations that go along with ending an established romantic relationship.
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Sounds like he took it to mean lack of interest on your part. I realize the friend was annoying - needed a muzzle if you asked me - but I would have tried to handle it with a bit more finesse as in "you'll be the first to know, don't you worry" wink wink
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I am not a feminist but I don't think the feminist point of view is that gender roles have changed that much just that people should recognize that while they exist they need to be changed.
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It is incredibly tacky of her to compare her boyfriend to you - in front of you -how will it feel when she starts doing sexual/physical comparisons? Tell her not to contact you at all until she is apart from her boyfriend for at least three months. See how strong her "insane" love is. You don't want insane, you want love that is based on actually knowing you as a person, not just as a comparison to her boyfriend.
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Tell him that you want to get back together and that when he is ready to talk to you by phone he should call you so you can discuss. emailing and iming are indirect and bound to cause misinterpretation and miscommunication if inadvertently you leave out a plan you have for the weekend, etc. You hurt him by what you did - you had every right to break up but he is not a yo yo and doesn't yet trust that you really mean you made a mistake. you need time on your own with no contact with him to see if you really miss him or just being part of a couple/being needed.
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Confidence in particular in the way he carries himself, a deep voice, a dislike of much chatty "girl talk" and a logical as opposed to emotional way of speaking. Chivalrous behavior and a way of appreciating a woman's feminine qualities. A bit on the reserved side. I am turned off romantically by an effeminate voice or too flamboyant gestures.
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Should I or should I not? (Need advice ASAP)
Batya33 replied to Jalys's topic in Long-Distance Relationships
I would be concerned if your relationship cannot withstand you being in the same room with many others with a person who has a crush on you. I am not sure why your gf would have much of a problem with it either. Either you trust yourself - and each other - or not. -
Sounds like a lot of game playing on both sides. Texts are one of the worst ways to "communicate" particularly anything of any seriousness and particularly when there is alcohol involved. Sounds pretty cowardly/evasive on your part too. Go out for lunch during the day, sit accross from each other, phones turned off and have a normal conversation about whether it is advisable to date. No drama. If you cannot manage to do that, then I would say it's not really advisable to be dating other than flings or people who are heavily invested in drama.
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I don't think that it necesarily means there was a problem with looks - or any other problem based on something "shallow" (in quotes because to almost all people there has to be at least some physical attraction based at least somewhat on looks) but it could be a number of things that are not apparent through typing and talking - here are some reasons I rejected men who I emailed with a few times and had a few good phone conversations before meeting: -- in person, he had terrible posture - slouched - and not much to say after scinitillating phone calls -- he invaded my space - i.e. he leaned all the way accross the small table to talk to me and that made me uncomfortable -- rudeness to waiters (no real way to tell this on the phone/email/IM) -- cheapness (not offering even to pay for my $2 cup of coffee or soda -- lying about looks in a significant way - 6 inches shorter than he said he was, paralyzed face that he didn't tell me about (it was the lie that was more of the problem) -- a hostile/negative vibe obvious only in his body language/aura/energy - can't explain it, again nothing you would be able to tell really on email/phone/IM -- ultra feminine characteristics (a personal turn off for me) -- he looked stoned/on drugs - he was bland/boring in person (because as it turned out he was a pathological liar, so it was easier for him to lie when he wasn't in person
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Really should I feel guilty for this or not, I dunno!!!!!!!!
Batya33 replied to yeawutever's topic in Relationship Advice
My suggestion as an old lady of 40 - when you "talk dirty" you are degrading yourself and you may start to view yourself as someone who only deserves that kind of interaction. Also you will find it creeping into your thoughts and possibly your words/manner of speaking in an in-person serious relationship. If I found out my bf did that or had done that I would want nothing to do with him - I know, that's just me but I am sure I'm not the only one who desires someone who wouldn't behave that way. If you don't want to get married or be introduced to a man's parents/family some day with pride "this is the lady I want to marry" with respect in his eyes then sure have your "fun" - but my guess is that it's not that much fun for you that you'd be willing to give up any self-respect for it or harm your reputation with those men who prefer a woman who acts with self-respect and like a lady. -
Of course you can help where the heart leads you. You can use your head and decide that it is foolish to get emotionally involved with a married woman. Likely she will thank you for your support, for being her emotional bandaid, and once she is truly single she will want to sow her wild oats and see what she's been missing. you will be a reminder of her gloomy days and the last thing she will want to do is settle down. After all, she is not a big fan of commitment as you have seen.
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Really should I feel guilty for this or not, I dunno!!!!!!!!
Batya33 replied to yeawutever's topic in Relationship Advice
What do you mean by interesting poem? I hope you find more respectful/worthwhile ways to communicate than "talking dirty" - do you have enough going on as far as interests and activities that don't have to do with "talking dirty?" -
Be with neither man. Tell the first man that you want him to stop contacting you so much because it makes you uncomfortable and as for the second, change your mind set from "we end up in bed" to "I choose to be in bed with him even though he doesn't want a relationship with me" and see if that is consistent with your self worth.
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Why is there so much anxiety when you are attracted to someone?
Batya33 replied to bw92116's topic in Dating Advice
I think it's natural because of the fear of rejection and the vulnerability of feeling like some of your self-worth depends on the other person's reaction. Over the years I got very good at being self-protective and a good actress so that I didn't become too emotionally attached before finding out if the interest was mutual and I learned not to let the anixety affect my interactions. I am not "fake" as a result, just able to train myself not to be transparent in that situation. -
You, too are very wise. If he promised to be exclusive and that you were his girlfriend I understand why you are angry with him. If it were me I would never enter into that kind of arrangement with someone until we'd been dating at least a month or more (and wouldn't have s_x during that time) so that the promise of exclusivity would be based on consistent in person time together but I can understand better now that you feel he betrayed you. And if it were me - just my humble opinion - I would not have s_x with someone I didn't know well particularly if I felt fragile/vulnerable - that's just unnecesarily risking being hurt (all of it is risk of course I just mean unnecessary risks). I am sorry this happened to you and I hope there is a silver lining - perhaps you will decide next time to meet in person as soon as possible and not try to have "insta-relationship." Feel better!!
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If you did not choose to start a family with her I would say perhaps it is time to walk away. Now that you have chosen to start a family with her, this child deserves a stable two parent home, yes? thereforeeee, you go to counseling, see what compromises you can make and if after putting in 110% for at least a year, if it still is not working you leave and make sure to co-parent the child. I am concerned that you think your upcoming fatherhood and this child is irrelevant to the question.
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I don't think it's possible to use someone by typing love notes or saying things on the phone before meeting in person. She chose to be "sucked in" which is fine as long as she knows the risks. I am unfamiliar with this "assumption" of exclusivity and particularly if you're going to have sex with someone wouldn't one want to make sure that the two of you will be exclusive and make sure that that is how he operates for purposes of STDs and the like? Not criticizing her just confused as to why someone would risk their health (and emotional well being) by operating on assumptions on a first meeting that involves such intimate contact?
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If the guy in question is anything like your friend it sounds like he is not available, emotionally, for a relationship. If he chooses to let the fears take priority over asking a woman out - even women who are aggressive, then how is he going to handle actually dating a woman and spending time with her? Those fears won't just poof disappear after a first date.
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It's easy from here on in - continue to be friendly and approachable but emotionally -keep yourself protected by having the mindset that unless and until he asks you out he is off your radar - there is nothing between you. Make sure you are distracted with friends, interests, activities and if it happens - other guys. If he is sincerely interested in a relationship he will ask you out on a proper date in advance. Could be he just likes the attention he gets from you, likes knowing he is desired but for whatever reason isn't interested in taking it any further - which is his perogative. However, if you find yourself getting attached from the flirting, now that he knows you like him, just spend less time around him so that if he wants more time with you he has to ask you out on a date.
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No birth control is 100% of course and while you may not have been planning to have a baby, you're always risking pregnancy every time you have sex. If you didn't want a baby, you could have chosen not to have sex. Not sure that that whole "accident" reasoning is relevant under the circumstances.
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Don't beat yourself up over it - you liked him and you wanted to see if something could work. My advice for next time - most men will not risk offending a lady by asking her to come to his house for a first date if he really wants a relationship with her. Or, if he does he will make it clear it is just to stop by and see something he recently bought and he won't even invite you to stay before taking you out for a meal or other public activity. I did date someone at work many years ago - we broke up and a year ago - we no longer work together - got back together. For the first "date" he asked me out to lunch and then for the second, for drinks after work and then he walked me home and did not ask to be invited in. We did not work together and it was a large company so we didn't have to see each other during the day much at all. I realize hard and fast rules all have exceptions but the next time someone asks you to come to his house and you know you are attracted to him, suggest that you do that another time and by all means, no alcohol!
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Are you saying that a man should not agree to have no strings attached sex with a woman who consents to have sex with him - no force at all - because he happens to know she is emotionally vulnerable? Really? So women can't be trusted to know their emotions sufficiently to make a choice to have sex - the man is supposed to refuse in the name of protecting us from ourselves? Makes women sound pretty weak, yes? Or of course the other way around. Unless I read it wrong, she agreed to have sex early on without a commitment. He decided he wasn't that into her and then acted in a tacky way by running away and disappearing. But how is it that he "used" her if it was consensual? Would you say the same if she had sex with him and decided she wasn't that into him?
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First of all, I am sorry things did not work out with him and I know it hurts to have someone not return your feelings -- but I know for a fact that there are men out there with whom you will click on every level. I also am sorry he didn't act like a gentleman and call you after to talk with you about whether it made sense to go forward. However, I am confused. Did he promise to date only you and be exclusive before he slept with you? Did he force you to have sex? If not, then how is it that he used you? You agreed to have sex with someone you just met, you enjoyed the sex, no promises were made of a commitment and it turned out that he did not want a relationship with you. That's his choice - sure he could have acted like more of a gentleman and called you after to tell you that he didn't want to continue but would that have made you feel any better? If you decided after the sex that you weren't into him, would you have been using him? I understand that you feel badly about yourself for having sex so soon - but I am not sure why he is to blame for that or why he is the "bad guy" in this. I realize he claimed to have strong feelings for you before you met but of course those feelings were based on typing, talking and an image he had of you and vice versa. There's no way to tell if there is a basis for a romantic, as opposed to a platonic, relationship until you meet in person and spend consistent in-person time together. I know happy healthy marriages that resulted from sex on the first date. I also know many many more instances where sex on the first date is either a sign that one of the people involved does not want a serious relationship or where it derails the whole reasonably paced courting process leaving at least one of the people confused about what they want. Instead of lashing out at him - which can cause you to generalize about all men - why not just decide that since you obviously get emotionally attached from sex, to hold off until you are exclusively dating in person of course - at least a few months.