ElektraHere
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Boricua, The first thing you need to do is take him off your IM list.I know it is hard but then you won't have the "temptation" to IM him or log off and on so he will notice you are there. Also I would not meet up with him in the near future. You need time to heal and I think meeting up with him will be like rubbing salt into the wound. I know when I broke up with the last guy I went with the day I took his number out of my cell was very hard. It helped alot though. You want him to think that you are doing find without him and that you are happy. Why not really try and do those things? I have been told by many many people that "you can only make yourself happy." It is hard believe me I am dealing with that issue right now. I have talked alot of talk and now it is time for me to walk the walk. Be strong and believe that this will get better day by day. Some days will hurt like no one knows and then there are the good days. Don't worry those bad days will become few and far between. Good Luck to you!
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Hello, Does your company have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? Ask your HR person. I know the ones they have had at the companies i have worked for you can get 10 free sessions with a counselor. Perhaps you could find one in your area that offers a sliding scale fee based on your income? Have you ever thought you just might be a very feminine gay man? You said you didn't want to get the surgery that would take your "friend" away so perhaps you aren't a girl trapped on the inside. I cannot know what you are going through but I do know that we all must find our true self. If that means you live your life as a gay male to make you happy then that is what you need to find out. The one thing is your wife, how is she dealing with all this? Does she know about the bookstore incident? Good luck to you.
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Hi Krushed, For your first meeting try and meet somewhere that there is action around you but still you are able to talk. Some think going for coffee is a great first meeting however some coffee shops are really quiet and I know I wouldnt want everyone around to hear my conversation. Getting a drink is a great idea, there are people around for background noise or if there is a lull in the conversation people watching always helps. I hope things work out for you and you have the connection in person as you do online and over the phone.
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Hi there, How did you let go of trying to control everything? What was your turning point? How did you muffle the negative thoughts? (Sorry long post please stay with it) I have a friend who is a great guy..I have written about him before in previous posts. Anyways I really like him and sometimes that like gets a bit selfish. The other night we were on the phone and there was a call on the other line. He said to hold on and then he came back on and said he would call me later. I then said to him "When I try and call and your on the phone you don't answer my call?" Then I asked if it was another girl. It shouldn't have mattered but at that moment I was feeling jealous and bummed he wanted to take another call then talk with me. I knew right after I got off the phone with him that I was in the wrong and that he would not be calling me back. I was right and he didn't I emailed him that night to apologize and to tell him that I really liked him and that I know he is not ready for a relationship right now and I have a few things to fix before getting into anything. But I told him I would wait for him and that I would even move closer to him. I was hoping to hear back from him again but I haven't. At first panic set in I tried calling him, texting him, etc no luck. I started thinking all the negative things but I realized that is what has caused me so much pain and frustration the negative thoughts. I emailed him one last time saying that I hope he wasnt still frustrated with the other night and that I would sit back, let go of the reins, close my eyes, and breathe. So I gave him the control of contacting me next. I hope that he does that is what is scary about letting go of the control and trusting in that person and what they have said to you in the past. He likes me, wants to be friends, and we even have an initial plan to travel together. I just have to believe it as much as I say I do.. Thanks
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Hi There, When I went out with the last guy he told me that i deserved better and that I should stop calling him, emailing him, and texting him. He was the one who enforced NC. It was hard since we hit it off so well. The funny thing is he texted me 3 times last month and has even called a few times. I let them all go and have not responded because he was the one who said NC. There is no easy way to say it without hurting the persons feelings. It's kind of like a band-aid you have to rip it off all at once and it will hurt at first but the pain goes away.
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Hi QB, I know an overbearing parent can be annoying but if he is older you should enjoy these moments with him. If your Dad has always been like this and you have talked to him about it I think you will just have to get used to it. You know when he is gone you will look back at some of his overbearingness and probably laugh about it. Not sure if this helps any but I would cherish the moments you have with him in your life. BTW is your mother still in the picture?
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Thanks Lady, msnak, and Brando I appreciate your responses. Brando I do hope I find the road to happiness. I have good friends around me and they are very supportive. Msnak your ideas are good. I have made some initial plans to travel with a friend so that is one step in the right direction. I want to learn how to play the piano or guitar so that is another thing I can work on. Lady I am glad I am not alone in how a relationship can drain the life out of a person. Sometimes I felt like it was just me.
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Hi There, Have you ever been to a strip club? If you haven't it is nothing like you see in the movies or t.v. The women aren't all that. Also like someone else said it is the job they do. I watched one gal do a lap dance and it was like she was going through the motions and actually talking to my friend who was sitting behind the guy getting a lap dance. Has your b/f ever done anything in the past to betray your trust? If not what would make you think he would risk his relationship on a stripper? I would take what he said at face value and just leave it at that. I would tell him you aren't comfortable with him going to strip clubs but you cannot forbide him if he does choose to go again.
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Hi There, I relate to what you said about being depressed and having to make choices. If we all sat around and were depressed and made no choices we could never move forward. I struggle daily with choices I have to make but they need to be made. As for your current job I had a job like that too and I hated going to work because I felt I wasn't getting anything accomplished. You have to weigh out the pros and cons of your current job and your old job. Maybe going back to the other job might lift your spirits since you will be busy and not sitting around dwelling on your problems. Its tough to be on depression avenue but as I am told it does get better.
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Hello Enot, About 6 years ago I dated this guy. It was not a healthy relationship whatsoever he was a complusive liar, mentally abusive, and over the 3 years we dated slowly broke me down. I believe that my spirit was shattered with him. I lost myself, I gave up my friends, family, hobbies, etc. I was once a strong, independent, able to be by myself, say it like it is woman. I still say it like it is but all the rest is gone. I want it back but I am constantly sliding backwards. I can't seem to let things go I mean I let him and that relationship go about 2 years ago. However the rest hasnt come back. I go after guys who are emotionally or just not available. I stick around hoping that one day they will see something in me and then want to be with me. (Never has that happened and who would want someone as sad as me) I have thought about what it would be like if I just went away or if I never existed in the first place. Would anyone notice? This past year was very trying my grandmother passed away, I lost my job, and I was dumped 2x. I currently go to school and work full time so I know I have that going for me. I do feel I am a good hearted person but I feel so invisible. I rely on others for my happiness and when they dont give me that I am hurt. I know that I have to find happiness within me but I think I am dead inside. I feel alone, sad, anxious, and that the woman I once was has gone far far away. I guess what I am after is if anyone else has been in a relationship that broke them down and they were able to recapture who they once were. If you were able to find happiness within yourself and that dead feeling inside went away and was filled with love for yourself? Sorry for the rambling.
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Mun, You are so right in what you said. It wasn't a big emergency I just wanted to talk to him. I did realize tonight that he did make me realize I am not the center of the universe. I am going to school fulltime so I have that on my plate plus a fullime job. He is pretty honest like your sister so I just hope he understands this time. The last time this happened he was and last time it was a whole lot worse. Thank you so much for replying.
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Hello I have posted about this already and I am back into a pattern that is NOT GOOD!! I have a friend who I care alot about. We talk daily and I saw that he was online so I have been trying to reach him at his house and he isn't answering. I know I shouldn't take it personally but it is so hard not to get your feelings hurt when someone you know is there won't pick up for you. So I call and call and call hoping that one of my calls will be answered. I have discussed this with him and he has been very very understanding and I appreciate that about him. I am taking a med for anxiety but just started a week ago so it isn't really helping right now. WHAT DO I DO???
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Az, No judgement here. Just that this guy is using threats as a way of holding on. It's not fair to your friend. If it were a choice that my family may find out I would know that my family would be disappointed but they would also love and forgive too. Tell her to be strong and end this now if things really get out of hand get the law involved I doubt he wants that sort of attention.
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Calling, Calling, and Calling (HELP ME)
ElektraHere replied to ElektraHere's topic in Relationship Advice
I am in my 30's my babysitting days have been over for about 15 years. As for the volunteering that is a good idea. I am not a very patient person be it phone calls, driving, work, etc. How does one learn to let things roll off their back and just go with the flow? -
Hi There, I have posted here before but I never have much luck in responses or advice. I am going to try it again I have a pet peeve when people say they will call and then they don't. I take it personally, I know I shouldn't because there might be circumstances that makes the person not able to call. Well when I don't get the call I end up calling the person a million times. I get in this panic or tunnel vision of calling and I can't stop. After I have done it and I do get a hold of the person I feel like a complete and utter fool for reacting the way I did. Recently I did this with one friend I really really value and I thought I had screwed up the friendship from my reaction. I didn't and we are still friends. I explained to him my thoughts and apologized. He said I didn't have to but he accepted nonetheless. I feel that I just lose control like if they aren't going to call me then I will call them. It's so wrong to think that way but like I said in the beginning I take it personally. How can I stop this pattern of behavior and not take things so personally? Has anyone else ever done this and how did you overcome it? When they say they will call should I take it with a grain of salt? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
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I Think I Messed Up A Great Friendship Please Help!!!
ElektraHere replied to ElektraHere's topic in Relationship Advice
Thanks! I am a worry wart by natue and he knows this so perhaps he will chalk it up to that. I hope as AllieCat said I may be worrying over nothing. I just really dont want to lose this friendship. -
Hello, ok here is my story. I met this wonderful guy we met through another person online. Anyways we talked occasionally at first you know a hello whenever we saw each other online. Well then it progressed where we were talking to each other on a daily basis and then we started talking on the phone on a daily basis. He even is planning to come out to where I live to see the sights and to meet me (that is if I didn't mess it up too much) He is not my boyfriend although I have told him I like him and when he comes out I hope we connect as well as we do on the phone and computer. Now the trouble.... Yesterday I saw him online briefly but he was going out the door and said he would call me in a few hours. I knew he had things to do and he probably wouldnt call me until the evening. That was fine... I was online emailing someone and I saw his name it said he was now offline. I was shocked I didnt even see him get online. So I called him at his house and it went to voicemail.. I was so stoked that he was home and we could talk that I left I dont know how many voicemails and called tooo many times.. He never did answer my calls that night. I feel just horrible I have emailed my apologies and left a vmail stating how foolish I was and how truly sorry and crappy I feel about panicking.I just wish it wouldnt of happened the rational side said he was probably not in the mood to talk however my panic mode got into gear. I havent heard anything back on my emails and I hope he still plans on coming out next month. What should I do??? Should I stop trying to get a hold of him? I just want to remedy this situation I have gummed up so well? I want him to know that it was a lapse in judgement on my part and that I truly value our friendship and I value him. Can anyone offer any advice on what I should or shouldnt do? Thanks a whole bunch, Elektra
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Jetta did you read what you wrote?? You have your friend and your ex telling you how you should feel and act. FORGET THE BANKER!!! If he has any interest he will seek you out. As for watching your spending habits I am sure he is busy with other things at work then to see where you are shopping and spending your money. As for the whole energy thing. I understand that but if you were getting negative vibes from him then what would possibly make you think he had any interest in you? Move into your new place, fix it up, and just enjoy that feeling of it being yours and not anybody else's. Enjoy this time you have to yourself take up a hobby or take a class. Do something for you and that only YOU make the choice to do not what your friend or ex tell you what you should do.
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Jetta wrote "I have mentioned before on this site that I am intuitive, that is why I tend to see things differently. I sensed an energy around him and I know he was harboring some bad feelings towards me" Im sorry but if you were so "intuitive" then you wouldn't be on here asking if someone was interested but having bad feelings towards you. That doesn't even make sense. In your posts I have read things like getting an apartment and not being sure of it, to lesbians supposedly coming on to you. It seems you are very needy, confused, and seeking approval from everyone. Here on this site and from people in your life. I am not trying to be harsh but come on step out of your "it's all about me" world and utilize some common knowledge. You are a woman in your 30's not a girl in her teens when this is the norm. As Cher said in the movie Moonstruck "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
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Hi there, I thought that this would interest some. This is the life of a relationship. 1. Intiating Stage - Introducing yourself, the basic Hi or Hello. 2. Experimenting Stage - Getting to know this person, disclosure happens at this point. Interests, values, and personal history are discussed. The thought of "Is there a future for this?" I am not talking marriage I am talking about should I invest in this relationship. 3. Intensifying Stage - This is when you get a bit more serious. Testing happens here too. You know "I had a really great time with you?" You ask that just to know where they're at about you. Expressing feelings and touch for the other. 4. Intergrating Stage - The merging of the social circles. This is where you are seen as "a couple" This is when you start to speak alike for example certain slang one uses. Obligation comes into play as well as commitment. 5. Bonding Stage - The public acknowledgement of your commitiment. Marriage, commitment ceremony, etc. 6. Differentiating Stage - Commited to the relationship and common respect for your partner. This also is the time when jealousy can creep in. 7. Circumscribing Stage - Communication decreases and interest in the other person wanes 8. Stagnating Stage - Refuses to admit anything is wrong. This is when you just go through the motions of day to day life with the other person. 9. Avoiding Stage - No explanation needed for this one. 10. Termination Stage - Again no explanation needed. A healthy relationship stays between Stages 5 and 6. If we let the jealousy and the trust in the other go that is when the latter stages start to take action. I just thought that this is a great way at looking at how you can pursue your next relationship.
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I have read some of your posts lately. It seems you are looking at very small things and thinking that either a person is coming on to you or they may like you. Not to sound mean but you seem to be seeking something from others like acceptance or the need to know you are "viable." You need to start using your common sense and not seek so much from others. Independence is a great great feeling. If the banker was interested he would of said so. He knows who you are and he could look up your info if he really wanted to get a hold of you. If he was grumpy don't take it so personal not everything is about you he could of just been tired and needing a break from work.
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Toonsy Why would you need the face to face with him? Wouldn't that just be hurting yourself more? Rejection hurts whether it's over the phone, via email, or face to face. I kinda agree with SuperDave he isnt with you and he is with her. If he wasn't "into her" like you say he wouldn't be with her now. He would be on his own and if he can't be on his own do you really want to be with someone like that? Move on, go out with friends, don't let his problems as you say affect your moving on. Date and be merry
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At the stage where I need help
ElektraHere replied to cynical76's topic in Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships
You can also PM me whenever you need someone to talk to. I have gone through what you have and I can be someone you can vent to. -
At the stage where I need help
ElektraHere replied to cynical76's topic in Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships
Hi, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It is painful and you feel that you will never recover. The thing is YOU WILL. He is tugging at your heart strings and it is time to cut them for good. If he is unwilling to get his things from you then tell him he has 1 week if he doesnt come and get them you will either donate to a charity or throw them out. As for your place yes you should move when February rolls around in the meantime. Paint, move the furniture around, get new curtains or something that will change the environment. That way it is YOUR space and not the space you used to share with him. You need to stop seeing, talking, and worrying about him because he is gone and you have to know you will find someone who will show you all the things he didnt. It will get better I promise you that!!!! -
it's called a breakup because it's broken...
ElektraHere replied to rascal's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
I agree with you Rascal. I know it sucks to be dumped but if you were really meant to be why would you have to go through all this pain and hurt for it? Its hard to let go of the good memories, the comfort of someone who knows you inside and out. I know my heart has been broken a few times. NC is good but reading some of the posts on this forum it seems some are using it as a way of getting their ex back. Its an up and down process but just think in the grand scheme of things are you really so lost and that bad off? I have read that book you mention Rascal and I to recommend it.